1st Non-Consent/Reluctance

[Submissioness]

Looking for some feedback on my first non-consent/reluctance story. I'd like to write more if this one is taken well but I haven't had much feedback. I appreciate anyone that takes a look.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=420517

 

[JMaxwell69]

I enjoyed it.

I enjoyed it.

FYI: - you have a missing word "?around?" in "...her shaking fingers _____his cock..."
- there is an extra word "was" in "...leaving her scalp was a little sore..."
- "people" used in place of "person" in "I'm the only people in this town..."

None of these was distracting from what was a very hot story. I just figured I should 'sing for my supper', so to speak, with respect to the pleasure of reading your story.

 

[MiliktheRed]

I loved it. The balance of fear and excitment that Allie felt was perfect. It wasn't to violent but the threat and dominence was there. As with all of your stories, it was also very hot! I hope you do decide to write another.

 

[ericahope]

I read your story. I suppose it doesn't make sense for me to read "non-consent/reluctance" stories because they very rarely turn me on, but sometimes they do. But this one, like many others, didn't do it for me. I just have a very hard time believing that any woman would enjoy being raped and actually encourage it for the sake of pleasure. I can see a woman giving in to avoid pain or death or give in to await an opportunity to escape or turn the tables on her attacker, but it's very hard to imagine a woman giving in for pure pleasure. Maybe someone can explain it to me.

At the very least, you should delve a little more deeply into her mind to tell the reader why she gives in. Is she that sex starved? Is she really just a nympho at heart? Has she had rape fantasies in the past? Some motivation would help here...


As for grammar and style...You should run this by an editor before submission.

Later that day, she thought she saw him again in an SUV a few rows back.
Rows of what? Are they in a parking lot?

Shaming herself for reacting so silly, she reached for the phone.
In this sentence you need an adverb to modify "reacting" but you use an adjective. Perhaps it should read "Shaming herself for being silly, she reached..."

"I was over reacting. I'm fine."
"Overreacting" is one word.

"They put a whole lot of trust in this guy in these short months that they'd seen him but they swear he's changed their lives. Well, he'd changed hers for sure. She wanted to stay behind but didn't want her only family to be 3 hours away. Her father found a job where he worked less but still got paid well. And her mother got a job that she actually enjoyed. They put some of their savings into opening a flower shop. It's the only one in town so it was doing very well. Needless to say, they were one big happy family again.

This paragraph is awkward. The first sentence contains two difference tenses. "hers" should be "her's". Also, don't use Arabic numerals; spell out "three". As far as I can tell, the family isn't "big"; it's only three people.

She usually slept with her bedroom door closed, but since her parents were gone she felt the need to leave a light on down the hall and leave the door open to let in just a little light.
This is also awkward. Perhaps it should read: "She usually slept with her bedroom door closed, but since her parents were gone she felt the need to leave her door open a crack to let the light in from the hall."

He held a 4 inch piece of duct tape in one hand and held tightly so as not to make any noise, a pair of open hand cuffs in the other.
Again, spell out numbers, and an awkward sentence. Perhaps: "He held a four-inch piece of duct tape in one hand and, in the other, a pair of open handcuffs clasped tightly so as to avoid any noise."

"Only sometimes? So you sucked dick more times that they ate your pussy?"
"That" should be "than"

She stood with one arm crossed in front of her chest in vein.

"And I knew I wasn't making my trip in vein tonight."
In both sentences "vein" should be "vain".

It was enough proof he needed so he parted her lips with his mouth and kissed her more deeply. She was passive at first then began to kiss him back.
This is another awkward sentence. Perhaps: "It was all the proof he needed so he parted her lips with his mouth and kissed her more deeply. She was passive at first, but then begain to kiss him back."

He smoothed his hand over her belly and up to her breasts.
"Smoothed" is either the wrong word here or you should write "He smoothed her belly with his hand." But that still sounds odd unless her belly was wrinkled.

He cupped the breast in his free hand and massaged it as he sucked and teased her hard little pebble and he continued stroking himself slowly with his right hand.
This is a run-on sentence. Too many clauses.

He pushed the hem of he short dress up and found that she was freshly shaven and wore no panties as he'd predicted.
"he short dress"...either you're missing a "t" or an "r".

"You're little cunt's soaking wet."
"you're" sound be "your"

Sorry if this sounds nitpicky, but running a story through an editor before posting would be a good idea.

Erica

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Don't tell anyone else, but I quite like the female non-consent category.

First, JM and erica are right - you need an editor (or do it yourself) to pick up the little problems.

I really like your writing, but here I found you didn't develop the narrative very well from shock, horror to 'superstud'.

In summary, I would get rid of the parents on their cruise more quickly and have a more abbreviated call with Dad to set the scene. The story really begins with the nude sunbathing and the fear/excitement of a voyeur could be expanded to predict the night. Lots of mixed emotions.

For me, speaking personally, I would have preferred she recognized the intruder as her parents' counsellor immediately. That brings immediacy and allows a relationshiop to be developed instantly.

There is confusing emotional progress as she keeps oscillating between passion and abuse. I suggest you could build up the fear upfront and let it morph into passion - maybe love - as the story unfolds.

I never thought I'd say this, but I think you overuse dialogue at the expense of explaining your heroine's journey. Don't cut the dialogue, but give us more thoughts. In a non-consent story, the progress from hate to love is quite crucial.

Just an aside, but real rape and rapists don't get the juices flowing generally on lit - for obvious reasons. Whatever you think of the place, it seems a bit soft to me. Your title is a bit of a turn-off for many.

 

[ericahope]

There is confusing emotional progress as she keeps oscillating between passion and abuse. I suggest you could build up the fear upfront and let it morph into passion - maybe love - as the story unfolds.

Elfin - I think you've identified what caused the problems for me. Does she enjoy this or doesn't she? If at first she didn't enjoy it but then started to enjoy it, but then realized it was all wrong I just don't think she'd go back to enjoying it again. At that point I think she'd come to her senses and fight back or look for an escape or something.

And when she does come to realize she enjoys it it should be a distinct realization, not some fuzzy back and forth. And the reader should know why she came to that realization. Knowing "why" would satisfy a lot of my frustration with the story (that, and an editor!)

Erica

 

[Submissioness]

Clarification

Thanks to all who have taken the time read my story and offer feedback. I will try to follow the suggestions given to me and improve the story.

Also...
Apparently I need to do some serious clarification about Alli's emotional roller coaster.

Does she enjoy this or doesn't she? If at first she didn't enjoy it but then started to enjoy it, but then realized it was all wrong I just don't think she'd go back to enjoying it again. At that point I think she'd come to her senses and fight back or look for an escape or something.
And when she does come to realize she enjoys it it should be a distinct realization, not some fuzzy back and forth. And the reader should know why she came to that realization. Knowing "why" would satisfy a lot of my frustration with the story (that, and an editor!)

*I have an editor. This piece was submitted just before he took a look at it though. It has since been edited but not resubmitted yet. I wanted technical and creative feedback before I sent it back in.

*There is a constant struggle within the mind of Alli. She knows that it is wrong the entire time. She knows that she should consider herself a victim, not his student. She knows that she should not give in to the desire that he seems to be stirring up in her. However, he makes a point, in her mind, that she hasn't truly experienced the pleasure that an experienced and "unselfish lover" can give her. He IS giving her pleasure, which is already difficult to resist. He is only being forceful with her when she disobeys him, so it isn't like he is causing her a lot of pain. Now, as for her not locking the door in the end and the sexy negligee, etc., it is the same struggle in her mind. She wants more of what she got the night before, but is reluctant to admit that she's given in to him completely. She is reluctant, even though she never called the police, because she is afraid to let go of the last chance she has of changing her mind about the decision she had made.

There is confusing emotional progress as she keeps oscillating between passion and abuse. I suggest you could build up the fear upfront and let it morph into passion - maybe love - as the story unfolds.

I never thought I'd say this, but I think you overuse dialogue at the expense of explaining your heroine's journey. Don't cut the dialogue, but give us more thoughts. In a non-consent story, the progress from hate to love is quite crucial.

Your title is a bit of a turn-off for many.

*Why isn't anyone getting that TheRapist is just Therapist with a capital R?

*The transition from "hate to love" is a very rocky one for Alli and isn't meant to be like all the others. The moment that she finally submits completely is almost at the very end of the story! It's a story about internal conflict. Does anyone understand what I'm saying here?

 

[starscape]

"hers" should be "her's".

I'm pretty sure "hers" is the proper form:

What's the difference between hers and her's?


Hers

Hers is the third person singular feminine possessive pronoun - it replaces "her" + noun.

Is this his or hers?

I found a book - is it hers?

I can't find my keys, but hers are on the table.

Hers is a better idea.

His and hers towels


Her's

Though you may see her's written even by native speakers, it is incorrect. Hers should never have an apostrophe.


The Bottom Line

The idea that hers needs an apostrophe comes out of the fact that on virtually every other word, 's indicates possession, so English speakers sometimes think hers should be spelled her's. However, this is always incorrect - hers is the only correct spelling.

Source: http://www.elearnenglishlanguage.com/difficulties/hers.html

I do agree with the poster's other suggestions regarding the story's mechanics.

Sorry for hijacking your thread.

 

[Submissioness]

I'm pretty sure "hers" is the proper form:

Seriously... Why does this clarifying?
Hers and his. Easy as pie.

 

[MiliktheRed]

First, let me say that mistakes in grammar and punctuation just don' bother me. Perhaps that's because I'm not very good at it, but there it is. I have found that if I don't correct these errors in my own writing, then the part that is important to me, the content and feeling of the story often gets overlooked.
Another point, when I read a story, I cut and paste it to a word doc that points out many of the common mistakes we writers make. I do this soley so that I can increase the font size, but that is another issue... The point is that there are many stories on the site that have very good ratings but are still filled with misspellings and incorrectpuntuation.
Don't get me wrong, the beatings I've taken on this issue have greatly increased my respect for the sites readership and have made me a better writer.
That said, I believe that Submissioness is looking for critique on her story that pertains to it's style and content. With that in mind, these are my observations.
We are told that Alli sunbaths in the nude. From this I infer that she is comfortable with her body and sexuality. Shy and repressed nineteen year olds do not get naked outside. Also she is alone in a new environment away from her friends and any boys she was seeing.
The antogonist is a therapist (by the way, morphing that word into the title was a brilliant touch that I cannot believe got by me) who had studied his victim. There was more than enough suspension of disbelief for the reader to understand that he would know that she might be receptive to his assault. I particularly liked how he manipulated her by asking if she was going to be a selfish lover after getting her to view the boys she had been with in the very same light. Very nicely done!
She put up some form of resistance to him through most of the first attack even though what he was doing made her orgasm with a guy for the first time in her life. I loved how she fought her desires and did her best to not let him get to her. She only fully accepted her needs once he pointed out that she had not called the police or locked the door. She was caught with no panties and wearing perfume on a night that she knew he would return for her. At that point even Alli had to accept that she wanted to be taken.
The only thing I would have done differantly would have been to have Alli rationalize that calling the police and having their trusted therapist jailed for rapong their daughter would have doomed their marriage, but heck that's just me.

 

[starscape]

Seriously... Why does this clarifying?
Hers and his. Easy as pie.

I pointed it out more for people who might be reading this thread since it's a common error, and because I hate to see someone "corrected" incorrectly. A lot of people, myself included, read the suggestions in threads like these to help us improve our own writing. Sorry for not making that clearer. Good luck with your story.

 

[ericahope]

I'm pretty sure "hers" is the proper form:

Source: http://www.elearnenglishlanguage.com/difficulties/hers.html

I do agree with the poster's other suggestions regarding the story's mechanics.

Sorry for hijacking your thread.

Thanks! I was pm'd by someone else telling me I had it wrong as well. I stand corrected.

Erica

 

[ericahope]

The transition from "hate to love" is a very rocky one for Alli and isn't meant to be like all the others. The moment that she finally submits completely is almost at the very end of the story! It's a story about internal conflict. Does anyone understand what I'm saying here?

This helps to clarify it a little, I guess. But I still just have a very hard time believing that any woman who is raped or sexually assaulted, regardless of how much pleasure they could potentially obtain, would decide that they enjoyed it and go along with it purely because of that. So perhaps my problem really isn't with your story in particular, but much of this category as a whole. In most of the stories I've read that involve non-consent the woman, the victim, ends up enjoying it.

Erica

 

[MiliktheRed]

Actually, the site all but demands that the victem enjoy it, otherwise it is all but impossible to get it accepted.I do agree that it is unlikely that a woman would feel that way but those are the rules.

 

[ericahope]

Actually, the site all but demands that the victem enjoy it, otherwise it is all but impossible to get it accepted.I do agree that it is unlikely that a woman would feel that way but those are the rules.

I wasn't aware of this, but if that's the case, then they should just do away with the label "non-consent" and call it "reluctance". After all, non-consensual sex is just another, nicer word for rape.

But I also don't understand why the site wouldn't allow such a story. The cruel, evil, dehumanizing motive is still there whether or not the victim ends up enjoying it or not. But I guess this is a topic for another thread.

Erica

 

[MiliktheRed]

I agree, not that I am against the catagory,I have such a story posted myself. Of course I understand that there is a very big differance between fantasy and the reality of rape. The fact is that if I ever had done such a thing I'd probably eat a bullet.

 

[Submissioness]

Catching up

I pointed it out more for people who might be reading this thread since it's a common error, and because I hate to see someone "corrected" incorrectly. A lot of people, myself included, read the suggestions in threads like these to help us improve our own writing. Sorry for not making that clearer. Good luck with your story.

I wasn't directing that to you, dear.

That said, I believe that Submissioness is looking for critique on her story that pertains to it's style and content. With that in mind, these are my observations.

The antogonist is a therapist (by the way, morphing that word into the title was a brilliant touch that I cannot believe got by me) who had studied his victim. There was more than enough suspension of disbelief for the reader to understand that he would know that she might be receptive to his assault. I particularly liked how he manipulated her by asking if she was going to be a selfish lover after getting her to view the boys she had been with in the very same light. Very nicely done!
She put up some form of resistance to him through most of the first attack even though what he was doing made her orgasm with a guy for the first time in her life. I loved how she fought her desires and did her best to not let him get to her. She only fully accepted her needs once he pointed out that she had not called the police or locked the door. She was caught with no panties and wearing perfume on a night that she knew he would return for her. At that point even Alli had to accept that she wanted to be taken.

EXACTLY!

The only thing I would have done differently would have been to have Alli rationalize that calling the police and having their trusted therapist jailed for raping their daughter would have doomed their marriage, but heck that's just me.

That is a HELL of an idea! Thanks, Milik! I hope you don't mind if I use that.

This helps to clarify it a little, I guess. But I still just have a very hard time believing that any woman who is raped or sexually assaulted, regardless of how much pleasure they could potentially obtain, would decide that they enjoyed it and go along with it purely because of that. So perhaps my problem really isn't with your story in particular, but much of this category as a whole. In most of the stories I've read that involve non-consent the woman, the victim, ends up enjoying it.

Erica

I actually prefer that only those who do understand what is particularly erotic about reluctance read the story so that they actually do understand those things. But I didn't clarify that in the beginning so I got feedback from all points of view. Can't complain too much.

Actually, the site all but demands that the victim enjoy it, otherwise it is all but impossible to get it accepted.I do agree that it is unlikely that a woman would feel that way but those are the rules.

This is correct.

I wasn't aware of this, but if that's the case, then they should just do away with the label "non-consent" and call it "reluctance". After all, non-consensual sex is just another, nicer word for rape.

But I also don't understand why the site wouldn't allow such a story. The cruel, evil, dehumanizing motive is still there whether or not the victim ends up enjoying it or not. But I guess this is a topic for another thread.

Erica

I agree with this completely. If it ends up being consensual, why not just call it reluctance?

 

[MiliktheRed]

using the idea

EXACTLY!



That is a HELL of an idea! Thanks, Milik! I hope you don't mind if I use that.





I would be honored if you would like to. I really thought that you infered it when she said that she couldn't call the police.

 

[MiliktheRed]

Haven't any of you engaged in rough sex play with your significant other? I've had experiences where the woman I was with enjoyed bringing the animal out in me and letting me have my way. Of course, we were already in a relationship, had each other’s trust and respected each other’s limits, but I found that letting myself go so completely was an incredible turn on, and she loved feeling my dominance and, for lack of a better term, aggression during sex. The only complaint I ever got was that I ripped her blouse open and that trying to rip her panties off was painful to her. It isn't as easy as they show in the movies.
While that isn't non consent, because where both into it, it did have the male dominance/ female submission aspect to it that is the hallmark of non/consent.
It is an animal passion that has ancient roots in the human mind. Certainly it isn't for everyone, but I think thats why so many people of both sexes enjoy such stories.

 

[Submissioness]

I would be honored if you would like to. I really thought that you infered it when she said that she couldn't call the police.

Judging from the way this thread has being going, perhaps I needn't "infer" <I>anything</I>. I am going to go back through the entire story and work on connecting the audience with Alli's internal conflict.

Btw, I'm currently reading Kelly's Passion Ch 4. I hadn't read it yet.
Love ya.

 

[MiliktheRed]

I hope you like it. Your opinion is always of vaue to me. I am eagerly awaiting your next work, whatever the catagory!