what do you do??

[Anne_Prospere]

They say that jealousy is not just one emotion, but a bundle of emotions that possibly has multiple roots. Understandably then, jealousy tends to be a complicated creature which is a struggle to deconstruct. Hard to untangle the ball that jealousy is, and tend to its root causes.

As a younger thing, I was very comfortable saying I was not a jealous person. Even in my previous marriage, I tried to initiate a nice little menage a trois every now and again to no avail. I was never plagued with this internal anguish that I am so frequently now. Wow, Jealousy HURTS. like, it hurts bad. Honestly, its been fucking up my whole day! I'm depressed, I want to cry, I want to leave, I want to move out of my home that I share with my mate, anything to stop the pain! I have no other course of action, I gotta write about it.

So, I've noticed that when I feel the punch in the solar-plexus that is jealousy, there is a process that occurs. Kind of like when there is a death in the family and you go through denial, anger etc. First I look for a target, someone to blame for this horrible pain that has taken over my entire body, someone to blame for lighting my brain on fire and causing my chest to collapse in on itself. You get the picture. Who catches this fury? My wonderfully patient, sometimes insensitive, man. Poor guy. Sometimes, the buck can stop right there, he deserves my fury because hey, he was thoughtless and his actions hurt me. A conversation, some good make-up sex and we can usually wash our hands of it. Sometimes, the buck does not stop here.

It gets more complicated. Sometimes, he has not been thoughtless. I'm getting plenty of attention, plenty of love, plenty of that real good bedroom stuff, so what is it? Is it me? AM I NOT ENOUGH??! oh man, I must be boring in bed. Maybe he's just tired of me, too comfortable. He needs to feel that fresh new young infatuation and I cannot provide that for him. Fear takes over, and starts playing ping pong with your rationality. It is hard not to be afraid. We all struggle with insecurity, well fear and insecurity snowball into something a lot like a phobia. Fear of abandonment, that you will lose some piece of your partner or yourself, all kinds of scary shit.

Then there is the plain ol' being disrespected by the extra-curricular pussy. She just does not recognize your place in the food chain. You are not on her radar and man, let me tell you this is the WORST face that jealousy has because you are left powerless. Someone needs to tell this bitch what is up! Who is going to do that? How do you cope with being left powerless while some extra pussy walks right past you, steps on your toe and into the arms of the man that you've devoted yourself to? I dont have the answer. I do not know how to handle this. I offer no advice.

I'll tell you what I have learned. You cannot swallow this shit. It just does not go down, you can't ignore it. You have got to talk about it, investigate and realize that you wont die from jealousy, you just have to learn what it is that you need that you're either not giving yourself or not getting from your mate.

I can tell you that it's ok to admit that you're jealous, i spent a lot of time embarrassed of my feelings, like jealousy was a sign of my weakness. Trust me when I say that it takes way bigger balls and a healthier sense of self to admit when you feel green.

Hopefully, one day my logic and my emotions will reconnect. I believe that love is plentiful sex should be too. I want to live, love, and play freely, and I hope that starting a dialogue with people maybe more familiar than others with the open relationship dynamic will feel me on this, and chime in.

 

[satindesire]

Perhaps you feel jealousy because you have not been asked if having sex with other women is okay with you? Perhaps you have changed over the course of several weeks/months/years and find that your boundaries have as well, and you're not comfortable with him sleeping with other women anymore?

Personally, I would be okay with Mister occasionally having sex with another woman (I'd love to myself, but that's not gonna happen.) as long as he told me first, and used protection. If it became an all-the-time thing, I'd be as mad as a cat trying to bury a turd on a marble floor. Right now, the relationship is monogamous and both of us would be severely disappointed in the other if either one of us cheated. Since he does not want to sleep with other women and does not want me to, either, there are boundaries in the relationship we both must respect.

Perhaps it's not so much jealousy you feel, as it is a blatant disregard of your feelings about this matter?

 

[Netzach]

I usually go off and get myself some additional dicking or something. But if that option wasn't on the table, I'd probably just kill people.

 

[Netzach]

If multiple partner-ism of some kind is hardwired into you, and I think these things are, a partner's changing comfort levels is a sad thing, but I don't think it can be your problem.

If M was all "and now I want to be monogamous" it would be a dealbreaking feeling of bait-and-switch. Our desires for same sex, other sex, new stuff, and some strange are foundational what-we-have-in-common parts of the whole structure the relationship is predicated on.

If poly was something I was doing just to keep him or him just to keep me with no tangible benefit to him (he also has a bf) I can't imagine lack of resentment.

How would you want a secondary partner to act in order to respect your primacy? I understand the impulse sometimes, but it's one I chew on and spit out quickly - that person is experiencing something different with my partner than I am, that's all. It doesn't give me the right to expect them to grovel before me. If I don't think time and attention are being managed well, that's my issue with T or M, or H, not "the bitch." I'm lucky though, in that B (M's secondary) gets and respects the dynamic and he's easy to talk to.

I'm weird though. Everyone thinks I should be feeling sorry for myself on the night I'm left all alone by myself, but honestly, it's often the best night of the week. The next AM always rocks, there's nothing like getting them back again all relaxed.

 

[Anne_Prospere]

Im totally into having sex with women. (i've been thinking about getting some side dick too, seing if that changes how I feel) and I like having threesomes. It just seems like it's been getting uncomfortable for me these days, I want to return to getting our freak on, stress free! This whole thing has come to a head for me today because of a text message. Girl gives me her number, I text her she ignores me, I give M girls number, she texts him repeatedly.

Shouldnt be that big a deal, but I've been torn up all day over that shit. I want to be free from this nonsense so badly.

 

[satindesire]

If multiple partner-ism of some kind is hardwired into you, and I think these things are, a partner's changing comfort levels is a sad thing, but I don't think it can be your problem.

That's my thinking. Everyone has a right to happiness, sometimes we just find ourselves in a position where the person we're with no longer makes us happy. It doesn't mean the other person is a BAD person, or a BAD boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife...it just means they're fundamentally incompatible with you.

A comfortable sex life with respect and trust is REALLY important in a healthy relationship, IMO. I'm a very sexual person, so I've always gone to great lengths to make sure my sex life was satisfactory to me. Not everyone gives their sexuality the same thought, and I really think they should.

Im totally into having sex with women. (i've been thinking about getting some side dick too, seing if that changes how I feel) and I like having threesomes. It just seems like it's been getting uncomfortable for me these days, I want to return to getting our freak on, stress free!

It sounded to me like the other-women problem was down to a very specific issue. He wasn't bringing them home to have sex with BOTH of you, he was having sex with them not only without your permission, but without you period.

That to be would be a deal breaker. I can't imagine not being jealous in this situation, so I sympathize with your emotions.

 

[Netzach]

Im totally into having sex with women. (i've been thinking about getting some side dick too, seing if that changes how I feel) and I like having threesomes. It just seems like it's been getting uncomfortable for me these days, I want to return to getting our freak on, stress free!

Well, if you're stressed outside the bedroom, it's really hard to banish stress in it.

When someone figures that one out, please inform me.

 

[satindesire]

Well, if you're stressed outside the bedroom, it's really hard to banish stress in it.

When someone figures that one out, please inform me.

I think only men can do this.

"God gave us a penis and a brain and only enough blood to run one at a time."- Robin Williams

 

[Netzach]

I think only men can do this.

"God gave us a penis and a brain and only enough blood to run one at a time."- Robin Williams

I don't think they always can, actually. There's de-stress fucking, but eventually when it's really bad the dick doesn't want to play.

 

[Anne_Prospere]

If multiple partner-ism of some kind is hardwired into you, and I think these things are, a partner's changing comfort levels is a sad thing, but I don't think it can be your problem.

If M was all "and now I want to be monogamous" it would be a dealbreaking feeling of bait-and-switch. Our desires for same sex, other sex, new stuff, and some strange are foundational what-we-have-in-common parts of the whole structure the relationship is predicated on.

If poly was something I was doing just to keep him or him just to keep me with no tangible benefit to him (he also has a bf) I can't imagine lack of resentment.

How would you want a secondary partner to act in order to respect your primacy? I understand the impulse sometimes, but it's one I chew on and spit out quickly - that person is experiencing something different with my partner than I am, that's all. It doesn't give me the right to expect them to grovel before me. If I don't think time and attention are being managed well, that's my issue with T or M, or H, not "the bitch." I'm lucky though, in that B (M's secondary) gets and respects the dynamic and he's easy to talk to.

I hear you on this. I call all women bitches. desensitization due to over exposure to hip hop

I also do not want this to be a bait and switch scenario! I dont want monogamy, and I definately do not want M to feel duped by this.
Im willing to do what it takes to get over it. I came to him out of a desire for the new and strange debauchery, and my jealousy does not change that.

 

[satindesire]

I don't think they always can, actually. There's de-stress fucking, but eventually when it's really bad the dick doesn't want to play.

I was just making a joke. I know that ^^^ from plenty of experience.

 

[Netzach]

I was just making a joke. I know that ^^^ from plenty of experience.

Oh I know, I even laughed sitting here.

I just think the degree to which they're sensitive critters subject to weird reactions deserves its due.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Im totally into having sex with women. (i've been thinking about getting some side dick too, seing if that changes how I feel) and I like having threesomes. It just seems like it's been getting uncomfortable for me these days, I want to return to getting our freak on, stress free! This whole thing has come to a head for me today because of a text message. Girl gives me her number, I text her she ignores me, I give M girls number, she texts him repeatedly.

Shouldnt be that big a deal, but I've been torn up all day over that shit. I want to be free from this nonsense so badly.

I go back to my (and EG's, and other folks') mantra: "Communicate!" Talk to M about how you're feeling, and maybe discuss the possibility of going into monogamy for a limited time to try to "return to getting our freak on, stress free." Perhaps that would be a way to "refresh" yourselves and your (central to everything else) relationship?

 

[Netzach]

I hear you on this. I call all women bitches. desensitization due to over exposure to hip hop

I also do not want this to be a bait and switch scenario! I dont want monogamy, and I definately do not want M to feel duped by this.
Im willing to do what it takes to get over it. I came to him out of a desire for the new and strange debauchery, and my jealousy does not change that.

I guess the degree to which competition seems to be part of the issue struck me, is all.

Again, I know the feeling. I can't compete with big functional cock AND perfect tits, and sometimes that really makes me mad. So I do what mad people are told to do by mental heatlh pros starting in kindergarten and I write about it, or hit a pillow or do yoga or tell the person I'm mad at them and see what they say. I have a lot of letters I don't send. I have paintings filled with an obscure symbolic code in them, pertinent to my own relationships and my own internal story, Frida-like, which are socially acceptable containers for socially unacceptable dialogue.

To be honest, I'd rather have the paintings than a romantic life free from considerable wrenching drama and pain.

Usually.

It's amazing to me, and this only has occurred to me maybe in the last 2 years, how many relationship problems are really just problems with generic and dull solutions to them.

 

[Netzach]

I go back to my (and EG's, and other folks') mantra: "Communicate!" Talk to M about how you're feeling, and maybe discuss the possibility of going into monogamy for a limited time to try to "return to getting our freak on, stress free." Perhaps that would be a way to "refresh" yourselves and your (central to everything else) relationship?

Normally yes.

But there can reach a point where processing every small chunk in tandem can sap the vitality from the relationship itself.

There's a lot of shit I stopped looking for my partner to help me with and it's sometimes good.

However, asking for some serious *focus* on oneself, even without making it about monogamy, may be warranted.

 

[satindesire]

Perhaps you two should try a little mini dose of monogamy so you can really focus on strengthening the relationship and getting some romantic snuggle-bunny feelings back before going back into the threesome/other partner thing?

Perhaps you two have been doing so many other things (people) for so long you two have both forgotten how to just be a singular couple?

Food for thought.

 

[Netzach]

Meh.

I dunno. I think saying "let's be mono for a while" delays rather than confronts the issues. I think that's kind of like trying to solve problems in an M/s relationship by "putting aside the dynamic" when sometimes the only solutions come from the dynamic itself.

When I'm suffering like this, what I need is the reassurance that I'm being come home to, or that I'm not going to be left aside, or that I'm still wonderful, hot, worthy. All that stuff.

If the lesson I take is that when I'm suffering I can change the rules of the game with said suffering, there's a world of trouble latent in that.

However - do you guys have an unbreakable once a week date night for JUST you and nothing but? See if you can't make some agreements and time.

 

[satindesire]

Meh.

I dunno. I think saying "let's be mono for a while" delays rather than confronts the issues. I think that's kind of like trying to solve problems in an M/s relationship by "putting aside the dynamic" when sometimes the only solutions come from the dynamic itself.

When I'm suffering like this, what I need is the reassurance that I'm being come home to, or that I'm not going to be left aside, or that I'm still wonderful, hot, worthy. All that stuff.

If the lesson I take is that when I'm suffering I can change the rules of the game with said suffering, there's a world of trouble latent in that.

We don't really know -what- the issue truly is, though. Sometimes, if you remove the thing that's causing the jealousy, you can stop the stress long enough to get to the healing part, and when the threesomes start up again she'll be able to better cope with any negativity that might spring from it.

That and the fact that every woman deserves a little unabashed spoiling and one-on-one attention from her man every once in a while.

The only reason I say "be mono for a bit" is because in my eyes, it's like treating a sprained ankle. Sometimes you have to stay off the affected body part so it can heal before gradually trying to put some weight on it.

 

[Netzach]

Im totally into having sex with women. (i've been thinking about getting some side dick too, seing if that changes how I feel) and I like having threesomes. It just seems like it's been getting uncomfortable for me these days, I want to return to getting our freak on, stress free! This whole thing has come to a head for me today because of a text message. Girl gives me her number, I text her she ignores me, I give M girls number, she texts him repeatedly.

Shouldnt be that big a deal, but I've been torn up all day over that shit. I want to be free from this nonsense so badly.

I just caught the rest of this.

This is the reason I think, that though I like girls, I don't seem to go there. There's always some kind of subterfuge and lurking drama, especially when there's a penis among you.

Well, you know where you stand. Although is this something with a D/s flavor? I'd talk to the Dominant party if that's the case, though that may be giving her more credit.

You're feeling a normal case of the left outs. Find a girl who's more excited about your pussy.

 

[satindesire]

I just caught the rest of this.

This is the reason I think, that though I like girls, I don't seem to go there.

You don't have sex with women, or you don't have relationships with women?

Feel free to tell me to mind my own business, I'm just curious.

 

[Netzach]

We don't really know -what- the issue truly is, though. Sometimes, if you remove the thing that's causing the jealousy, you can stop the stress long enough to get to the healing part, and when the threesomes start up again she'll be able to better cope with any negativity that might spring from it.

That and the fact that every woman deserves a little unabashed spoiling and one-on-one attention from her man every once in a while.

The only reason I say "be mono for a bit" is because in my eyes, it's like treating a sprained ankle. Sometimes you have to stay off the affected body part so it can heal before gradually trying to put some weight on it.

I understand the logic, I just don't agree with it. I'm saying if you're trying to solve an orange problem an apple solution isn't necessarily going to apply.

 

[Netzach]

You don't have sex with women, or you don't have relationships with women?

Feel free to tell me to mind my own business, I'm just curious.

I have sex with women when the interest overrides the likely chaos.

I've had one serious relationship with a woman. It was charged, romantic, passionate, crazy, all that.

I'd like to have more casual sex with women than I have been not-having.

Fundamentally I'm lazy and boys land in my lap easier.

 

[satindesire]

I have sex with women when the interest overrides the likely chaos.

I'd like to have more casual sex with women than I have been not-having.

The last girl I dated completely spoiled me on women, probably forever. I miss being with girls, but I don't think I could do it again...she caused so much stress that every time I think about trying it again I can feel my ovary shrink up in terror.

I understand the logic, I just don't agree with it. I'm saying if you're trying to solve an orange problem an apple solution isn't necessarily going to apply.

Damn you.

*loots around in her refrigerator for some fruit*

 

[VelvetDarkness]

They say that jealousy is not just one emotion, but a bundle of emotions that possibly has multiple roots. Understandably then, jealousy tends to be a complicated creature which is a struggle to deconstruct. Hard to untangle the ball that jealousy is, and tend to its root causes.

As a younger thing, I was very comfortable saying I was not a jealous person. Even in my previous marriage, I tried to initiate a nice little menage a trois every now and again to no avail. I was never plagued with this internal anguish that I am so frequently now. Wow, Jealousy HURTS. like, it hurts bad. Honestly, its been fucking up my whole day! I'm depressed, I want to cry, I want to leave, I want to move out of my home that I share with my mate, anything to stop the pain! I have no other course of action, I gotta write about it.

Is it possible that this is about how you feel about yourself now you're older? Personally, I'm a pasty, flat chested little thing who's about to turn 30 and despite my attempts not to be shallow, if Master suggests hooking up with a blonde, tanned, big breasted 20something strumpet, I'm a lot less enthusiastic than if he spots the profile of a woman with a more similar body type to me. I was never hung up on this kind of stuff but I know I'm not as put together or attractive as I was 10 years ago. It dents my self confidence to think of Master fucking a busty little barbie doll and I'm stellar at projecting all that angst onto the extra curricular booty in question.

I'm not saying this is the whole issue here, just that it may be a significant factor. Guys (damn their eyes) age so gracefully that it can be hard being the woman they're growing older with.

 

[Anne_Prospere]

Perhaps you two should try a little mini dose of monogamy so you can really focus on strengthening the relationship and getting some romantic snuggle-bunny feelings back before going back into the threesome/other partner thing?

Perhaps you two have been doing so many other things (people) for so long you two have both forgotten how to just be a singular couple?

Food for thought.

nah. we spend a lot of time together just the 2 of us. we have a really intimate relationship that i wouldnt change for the world. He's good to me.

Meh.

I dunno. I think saying "let's be mono for a while" delays rather than confronts the issues. I think that's kind of like trying to solve problems in an M/s relationship by "putting aside the dynamic" when sometimes the only solutions come from the dynamic itself.

When I'm suffering like this, what I need is the reassurance that I'm being come home to, or that I'm not going to be left aside, or that I'm still wonderful, hot, worthy. All that stuff.

If the lesson I take is that when I'm suffering I can change the rules of the game with said suffering, there's a world of trouble latent in that.

However - do you guys have an unbreakable once a week date night for JUST you and nothing but? See if you can't make some agreements and time.

I dont think trying to be monogamous is the answer, that is not what either of us wants, really. I can understand the logic of taking a break, but he and I spend a lot of time together, just us.

I just caught the rest of this.

This is the reason I think, that though I like girls, I don't seem to go there. There's always some kind of subterfuge and lurking drama, especially when there's a penis among you.

Well, you know where you stand. Although is this something with a D/s flavor? I'd talk to the Dominant party if that's the case, though that may be giving her more credit.

You're feeling a normal case of the left outs. Find a girl who's more excited about your pussy.

I think you might be onto something. M and are are 24/7 so yeah, for us there is a D/s element. but yes, it does feel like clear cut rejection blues, doesn't it?
I feel better just spilling the beans. thanks guys.