Alice

[McFu]

This is the first story I have ve ever started that I didnt delete the same day. Just lookin for a little feed back on writing. So please be brutal.

Alice rested her chin on he hands and sighed. It was a beautiful day. The sun shining, the sky as blue as a sky could be and the grass beneath her was as soft as the chin silk that Alice’s thigh length stockings were made.Near by a small brook burbled pleasantly. Yet Alice was terribly bored

The man between her legs was thrusting quite vigorously, Alice suppoed that he was doing a fair job. Alice would occasionally make a small sound, or push her hips back into the man’s penis, or say something like “Ohh yes sir right there please more.” Because it would be inconsiderate to make him think he was not doing a fair job at least

The man leaned down then and groped at Alice’s small pert breasts.

“MMM are you enjoying yourself my lovely little darling?” he whispered into Alice’s ear, his breathe warm and wet on Alice’s

“ MMM yes very much so sir mmmm I must say you a fine lover.”

“Excellent turn your self dear I want to look on that pretty face of yours whilst I finish.”

Alice did right away. Throwing her left leg up and turning over with out the man even needing to take himself out of her. She gave him he sweetest smile and arched her back up thrusting her chest outward . He took this as a favorable reaction and bent down to lick along the tips of Alice’s breasts.

“Ohh thank you sir, you do that quite well.” Alice purred squirmed around beneath his weight. She really did enjoy that ,no matter how unskilled the mans she was with was in love making, having her breasts toyed with always brought her pleasure.

“Thank you sweet girl, I do believe I’m going to finish rather soon.”

“Mm delightful you may finish within me if you wish sir.” Alice said hoping that he would. The feeling of a man laying his seed in her always made Alice’s climax’s all the better. The mans mood suddenly changed

“ OH you would like that would you,, the last I need is some trollop showing up on my doorstep a year from now with some bastard in her arms,, I quite think not”

He suddenly pulled his member from Alice’s pussy and began stroking himself. Alice sighed and moved his hand away wrapping her daintily fingers around it. He placed his hand then, on either side of Alice’s shoulder and looked down the pleased look returning to him.

“Oh my dear you quite love the male member don’t you he groaned.”

“Yes sir I do, very much so.” Alice giggled speeding up her hand.

“ MMMM yes darling just like that.” He moaned thrusting his hips in to Alice’s fingers. With her free hand Alice began to toy with her vagina finding it very wet and so close she could feel a great orgasm building between her slim hips.

“OHHHHH YESSSS.” The man groaned just then and came.. Alice looked down excitedly and found not but disappointment. He came in one very small burst and what seemed like small droplets of semen splattered about on her stomach.

“Is that all?” Alice asked before she could stop her self.

“What did you want you little slattern?’ He asked sternly getting up and walk to where his clothes lay.

“Well it took quite a while for you to come sir, I was just thinking….well that there would be more”

He gave Alice a disgusted look and dressed.

“Oh sir please don’t go, I have not even climaxed my self, you can make love to my bottom if you wish.” Alice pleaded with him hopping he would stay

“That, my dear, is not my problem, besides do you take me for some degenerate sodomite?” He said crossly adjusting his tie, he then reached into his pocket and flipped a few coins in Alice’s direction “Here for your trouble.” And with out a word he turned and left.

Alice sighed and lay back caressing her mound.. She gently ran her thumb over her swollen clitoris and down her labia. She sighed softly and pushed her two middle fingers in to herself. Slowly in and out, Alice savored the only pleasure she had had lately. With the men she had met it was fast and seemingly how quickley they could be done and back to their lives.

Alice slowlylfited her hips off the ground using her fingers and dreaming of a capable thick cock inside of her. With her other hand she, for what seemd the hundreth time, vainly attempted to lift her breast to her lips. It was to no avail though her bosom was simply to small. She sighed out of frustration and settle for gently massaging each of her breasts in turn.

She sped up her hips at the same rate with her hand. It was not long before her tummy tightened along with her lips as she came. It started with delicious tingling in her thighs that spread to her body. Quickly her body trembled and she released.

"AHHHHHH yes." she groaned softly he bottom dropped with a whump. She lay there fro a moment running her fingers up and down her sex. She sighed once again and stood thinking that it was getting quite late and her father would be starting to worry.

She walked swiftly to where her basket and her sister lay. Alexandra was two years younger then her and quite a beauty.. She lay nude on front her bottom gently rising and falling as she breathed her arms curled beneath her head. Like Alice she was blonde, but her hair was more a wheat blonde then Alice's own honey colored locks.

“Alexandra dear.” Alice said softly and smiled when Alexandra stirred and murmured in her sleep.

“It’s time to wake up.” Alice lean down then and kissed her sisters rosy cheek. Aside from their hair Alice and Alexandra were very different. Yes they were both tallish for women of their age but where Alice was slim and slender Alexandra was curvy and buxom like their mother had been Also Alice’s skin was as pale as fresh milk Alexandra was a peachy kind of pink from head to toe.

Alexandra sat up yawned and stretched, her bosom pushing out. Alice had always envied her sisters breasts. They were not so large as she had seen but were full and round tipped dark pink.. Alice had notice that when ever they walked into room men’s eyes seemed to find Alexandra first.

 

[CWatson]

So please be brutal.

Be careful what you wish for. You may get it.

Alice rested her chin on he hands and sighed. It was a beautiful day. The sun shining, the sky as blue as a sky could be and the grass beneath her was as soft as the chin silk that Alice’s thigh length stockings were made.Near by a small brook burbled pleasantly. Yet Alice was terribly bored

First off, your writing quality is poor--not because you're a bad writer, but because you're a sloppy one. There are certain standards that writers adhere to. One of them is that sentences at the end of paragraphs should end with punctuation marks of some sort. (Another is that sentences in any location should end with a punctuation mark, but you have that under control.) Another is that there should be a spacebar input in between a punctuation mark and the next word. A third is that you should complete your words: "Alice rested her chin on he hands"? A fourth is that you should complete your sentences:

The sun shining, the sky as blue as a sky could be and the grass beneath her was as soft as the chin silk that Alice’s thigh length stockings were made.

Two incompletes in one. A new record.

“MMM are you enjoying yourself my lovely little darling?” he whispered into Alice’s ear, his breathe warm and wet on Alice’s

"Alice's what? Alice's what?"

A fifth is that you should employ a spell-checker.

“Ohh thank you sir, you do that quite well.” Alice purred squirmed around beneath his weight. She really did enjoy that ,no matter how unskilled the mans she was with was in love making, having her breasts toyed with always brought her pleasure.

"Mans"? The correct plural is "men". Now, "mans" is a real word--Le Mans Raceway, for instance--so you get partial credit for that one. But other things, like the comma attached to the front of the next word instead of the end of the first one...

The sixth is that you should finish the story. The tale you have at the moment has no ending. You've set up two characters, Alice and Alexandra, and done no more. There's been no character growth and no meaningful climax (be it narrative or orgasmic).

Spot checks as follows:

Alice sighed and moved his hand away wrapping her daintily fingers around it.

"Daintily" is an adverb. An adverb is used to describe a verb or an adjective. To modify a noun, such as "fingers", you need the adjective itself: in this case, "dainty".

“Oh my dear you quite love the male member don’t you he groaned.”

The clause "he groaned" should be outside of the quotation marks, unless he's one of those spectacularly self-absorbed gentlemen who narrates his own actions.

“Oh sir please don’t go, I have not even climaxed my self, you can make love to my bottom if you wish.” Alice pleaded with him hopping he would stay

The punctuation mark after "you wish" should probably be a comma, but it works as a period. The main problem is "hopping". I don't know what hopping has to do with "hope", which is the anticipation of a wish, and which has only one P in it.


You are probably wondering, "Why is this condescending asshole spending time on Stupid Little Details, instead of the grander vision of the story?" There's two reasons. The first is that, as I suggested earlier, there is no story. A story is a journey between two points. You've established where the first point is, but not the second, and haven't started moving there either. There's nothing for me to evaluate.

The second is the issue of trust. Reading a story is like getting into the passenger seat of a car. You strap yourself in and hope that the driver--or rather, the writer--knows what he's doing, and isn't going to get you arrested or flung off a cliff or otherwise misused. Stupid Little Details are a large part of how you build that trust. If I see you ignoring traffic (punctuation) laws, or not using your turn signal (spellchecker) out of laziness, or basically just doing whatever you want as if you own the goddamn road (the English language), I am not going to trust your skill as a driver (writer). I am not going to trust your ability to get me to your destination in one piece. And I am right.

Long story short, Stupid Little Details matter.

So get those in order. Then we'll talk about your actual storytelling technique.

 

[McFu]

Thanks.. really.