One more for the fire

[Darkniciad]

One more try to steer this forum back toward having a nice mix of informal, constructive criticism -- a poor man's, less intimidating version of the story discussion circle.

I wrote this several years ago for a contest, and feel it's about my only successful attempt to write a truly short story -- less than one Lit page. It has one of the lowest scores of anything in all of my three lists, but part of that has to do with it having no sex beyond light suggestion and a single touch.

So, is the lack of sex most of the reason why it didn't take off, or is there more?

Lemme have it!

Grandfather Yule

 

[_Lynn_]

I just finished reading it. For me, not having sex in it doesn't make any difference, but I know that I'm in the minority.

There's a lot going on in that one page. It's really late, but I found it a bit confusing. Switching from one couple to the other made it harder to follow and left more open.

The category it's in might have been part of it. It's not what I consider Sci-Fi & Fantasy to be, so you might have lost readers there.

Other than that, I'm not sure. The readers here are fickle and who can ever figure them out.

 

[hypnopup]

Sounds like MistressLynn was thinking along the same lines as I was. It's really late and I'm about to hit the sack... so I'm not thinking at my best.

Anyway, even though it had magic, I think it was a bit of an awkward fit for Sci-Fi/Fantasy as well.

It was well-written in a lot of ways. I think I got a good feeling for the ambiance of the environments and how the characters were acting.

Also, I see why you chose the names you did (all representing different elements of xmas legends), but the characters seemed so similar to one another that it was difficult to tell them apart from one another (of course that could just be my sleep deprived brain).

The lack of sex didn't bother me, but then again, I wasn't looking for stroke material. That might have hurt you in a contest here and in future ratings by horny readers.

I did think it was better written than a lot of other stories I've seen on here.

 

[Darkniciad]

*sigh* So much for my one "success"

There wasn't really another category for it. It's part of my fantasy world mythos, so it about has to share the category with them. I can't see Romance or Non-Erotic readers accepting it with the magic, and pretty much every other category is eliminated by the lack of sex.

I thought the "crotchetyness" of Marta and Nick came through well enough to contrast with Kris and Tanta, and that the transition once they assumed the mantle helped demonstrate the return of their vitality, but I guess not.

Between the characters not coming across and the scene transitions being confusing, that's a real stinger. Those are two of the only things that I think I do fairly well.

 

[_Lynn_]

*sigh* So much for my one "success"

There wasn't really another category for it. It's part of my fantasy world mythos, so it about has to share the category with them. I can't see Romance or Non-Erotic readers accepting it with the magic, and pretty much every other category is eliminated by the lack of sex.

I thought the "crotchetyness" of Marta and Nick came through well enough to contrast with Kris and Tanta, and that the transition once they assumed the mantle helped demonstrate the return of their vitality, but I guess not.

Between the characters not coming across and the scene transitions being confusing, that's a real stinger. Those are two of the only things that I think I do fairly well.

You do, but it was a short piece. There was never time to develop a sense of what was happening before it switched over. It might just be too short. *snerk*

 

[Darkniciad]

Ah well. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment One of these days, I might manage a short story

If anyone else wants to gimme 2 cents worth, feel free.

 

[driphoney]

I'm the last person to be giving anyone a critique, but in the spirit of the thing, and knowing that evaluating it will probably help me more than you, I'll grudgingly give it a go. And remember, with me, you get what you pay for!

I think because I had in my head that I was supposed to give an opinion, I popped into 'editor' mode (not that I am one!) and that made me scrutinize the dialog too closely. The characters speak fairly formally with each other, this worked for me until once or twice casualness dropped in.

"That don't mean you've got to go and get yourself killed over bullheadedness," she scolded.

Also, for such a short piece, it felt a bit draggy to me and I'm not sure why, and again, it might be because I was 'working' too hard to notice things. I loved the concept even though I'm not a fantasy fan. I love little ol' ladies and gents, being a die hard romantic I loved the love the older couples showed towards their spouses. I felt like I was constantly shifting, maybe the last two scenes could somehow blend together. You need him to make his snow, but maybe the fact of moving could not be brought up.

 

[Darkniciad]

I think because I had in my head that I was supposed to give an opinion, I popped into 'editor' mode (not that I am one!) and that made me scrutinize the dialog too closely. The characters speak fairly formally with each other, this worked for me until once or twice casualness dropped in.

"That don't mean you've got to go and get yourself killed over bullheadedness," she scolded.

That was on purpose, too *sigh* I dropped out of the formality in an effort to convey a verbal frying pan upside his head. It was part of how I saw Marta's character -- using that as shock value to get something through to him.

All I need is a couple more checkmarks, and I'll know that absolutely everything I tried with this one was a complete failure

The sad thing is that I thought this one was really good.