Looking for feedback on unique story idea

[Submissioness]

Hi! I'm looking for feedback on a unique story idea that I have. I like it but I'd just like to know that there is an audience that would appreciate it.

Here is my brief description:

This is a story told BY a psychiatrist. He is telling the story from his perspective based on the sessions with a 19 year old female patient named Beth.

The psychiatrist will be narrating the story but there will be several large sections that have quotes from the taped sessions. My story is meant to reflect the story in the Bible about David and Bathsheba where David is married but sees Bathsheba bathing naked and sleeps with her. It turns out ugly and so will mine.

Beth is a plain girl. Nothing special about her. She's had a rough past filled with neglectful parents, bad relationships, molestation, other misc. abuse, etc. A life guard named David, perhaps 28 yrs old meets her at the pool and asks her out. Beth falls head over heals and obsesses over him. After a few dates and David taking advantage of her and taking her virginity, David starts to brush her off. Beth doesn't understand why he's not answering her calls or calling her back or anything so she begins to stalk him. She spies on him at his house through the window having sex with another girl who turned out to be his wife.

Beth, of course, looses her mind about it. She calls and says that she has something very very important to tell him. She led him to believe that she might be pregnant. (she's not, she's just trying to get him to meet her.) When he meets her (somewhere where there isn't anyone around) He comes up behind her while she's crying. He wraps his arms around her from behind. She pulls a gun out and shoots herself in the chest. The bullet lodges in his chest and he bled to death before anyone found them.

The sex scenes will be between Beth and David (probably twice) and between David and his wife.

Tell me what you think.

 

[sinfullypink]

I like it! But will you be breaking away from the psychiatrist's view point for the ending death scene? Or perhaps it is witnessed by the psychiatrist because he has a feeling something is going to happen and goes to see if he can stop it? Or maybe the patient invites him to see since he knows the whole story?

I think its very interesting. Good idea!

 

[Submissioness]

Final scene will be explained by the psychiatrist using only information she provided in her last session. But she never said she'd do it. She just danced around the idea. Also, the police investigation will tell everyone the details.

 

[damppanties]

Interesting idea. The 'shoots herself and bullet lodges in his chest' part is a little unbelievable for me, but I guess that depends on your skill as a writer. Good luck!

 

[1DiscoMcDisco1]

i think it could work, but you'd have to be very clear about how you explain it... the last session, talking of how she is thinking she'd kill him could be excellent, as long as the follow up report covers the actual happening - maybe with a slight deviation from the plan...

I say go for it and see how it pans out... i can see a lot of growth for this as an idea, 'a mix of present moment and retrospective story led drama'...

I'll keep my eyes open for it

 

[CWatson]

Interesting idea. The 'shoots herself and bullet lodges in his chest' part is a little unbelievable for me, but I guess that depends on your skill as a writer. Good luck!

Well, that depends also on the bullet. They make rounds that are specifically designed to not exit the body, for situations where assailants and hostages are in close proximity. In other words, there must be others that do.

Submissioness, what is the framing device? Is the psychiatrist unburdening himself to his own shrink? And how do you intend to make it sexually appealing? What if you drop hints throughout the story that the psychiatrist is stalking Beth for his own romantic reasons?

Finally, just FYI, there's already a Beth and David Hughes who have been main characters of stories written by Nick Scipio. Anyone who reads both him and you may have trouble keeping the characters separate. (I once read a story where the two lovers, by coincidence, had the names of myself and my sister. It was extremely squicky. >_<)

 

[Submissioness]

The Story is a GO

Well, that depends also on the bullet. They make rounds that are specifically designed to not exit the body, for situations where assailants and hostages are in close proximity. In other words, there must be others that do.

Submissioness, what is the framing device? Is the psychiatrist unburdening himself to his own shrink? And how do you intend to make it sexually appealing? What if you drop hints throughout the story that the psychiatrist is stalking Beth for his own romantic reasons?
>_<)

Someone told me that certain guns carried by policemen will go through a person at point blank range and enter a second person. BTW, Beth's father is a police officer. That's where she gets the gun.

The sex, as I mentioned will come in when she describes the encounters to the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist is a woman and Beth sees her as a mother figure since her mother was killed when she was young. Beth opens up to her shrink about all the experiences that she has with the new man in her life.

The reason for the psychiatrist is telling the story is because she wants to warn people about the consequences of David's sin.

I've been working on it the last few days and things are falling into place. Thanks to everyone who gave me feedback on this idea. It's all helping me. Oh, and brace yourself for some interesting twists!

 

[Samuel667]

Hi! I'm looking for feedback on a unique story idea that I have. I like it but I'd just like to know that there is an audience that would appreciate it.

I like the idea and would look forward to reading the story.

 

[sr71plt]

Hmmm. I've also been kicking around a parallel David and Bathsheba story. Very different from that, though.

 

[Submissioness]

Hmmm. I've also been kicking around a parallel David and Bathsheba story. Very different from that, though.

Well, I hope you go ahead and write it. I'd like to read someone else's reinterpretation.


Anyone help me with getting my avitar to show? I've uploaded my picture and it accepted it but it won't show when I post.

 

[damppanties]

Anyone help me with getting my avitar to show? I've uploaded my picture and it accepted it but it won't show when I post.

You need to have 100 posts before you can have an avatar. The photo you uploaded shows on you public profile, which you can see by clicking on your username.

 

[Submissioness]

Thanks so much!!! Guess I need to get busy then.

 

[Dragonlipz]

Hi! I'm looking for feedback on a unique story idea that I have. I like it but I'd just like to know that there is an audience that would appreciate it.

Here is my brief description:

This is a story told BY a psychiatrist. He is telling the story from his perspective based on the sessions with a 19 year old female patient named Beth.

The psychiatrist will be narrating the story but there will be several large sections that have quotes from the taped sessions. My story is meant to reflect the story in the Bible about David and Bathsheba where David is married but sees Bathsheba bathing naked and sleeps with her. It turns out ugly and so will mine.

Beth is a plain girl. Nothing special about her. She's had a rough past filled with neglectful parents, bad relationships, molestation, other misc. abuse, etc. A life guard named David, perhaps 28 yrs old meets her at the pool and asks her out. Beth falls head over heals and obsesses over him. After a few dates and David taking advantage of her and taking her virginity, David starts to brush her off. Beth doesn't understand why he's not answering her calls or calling her back or anything so she begins to stalk him. She spies on him at his house through the window having sex with another girl who turned out to be his wife.

Beth, of course, looses her mind about it. She calls and says that she has something very very important to tell him. She led him to believe that she might be pregnant. (she's not, she's just trying to get him to meet her.) When he meets her (somewhere where there isn't anyone around) He comes up behind her while she's crying. He wraps his arms around her from behind. She pulls a gun out and shoots herself in the chest. The bullet lodges in his chest and he bled to death before anyone found them.

The sex scenes will be between Beth and David (probably twice) and between David and his wife.

Tell me what you think.

I like it. There's plenty of opportunity to build suspense before she kills herself and him. Go for it.

 

[twiggystig]

Someone told me that certain guns carried by policemen will go through a person at point blank range and enter a second person. BTW, Beth's father is a police officer. That's where she gets the gun.

Police-issue handguns are usually 9mm. At normal range, a 9mm round can easily fail to penetrate the body if the round hits a bone which is quite likely to happen if she's taking one to the chest.

I haven't spent enough time shooting people at point-blank range to tell you whether or not your scenario is plausible; at that range perhaps it would go cleanly through. I'm pretty sure I've seen a movie situation like this pulled off before where the person jammed a sword through their gut to impale a person behind them.

By the way, your story psychiatrist would not be wholly ethical in telling this story. It would violate physician-patient privilege

 

[Submissioness]

By the way, your story psychiatrist would not be wholly ethical in telling this story. It would violate physician-patient privilege

I'm already prepared for that. I've got the beginning written. The psychiatrists says that she had to change the names in order to respect patient confidentiality.

 

[sami22]

I like it. There's plenty of opportunity to build suspense before she kills herself and him. Go for it.

Anybody can tell a story.. . actually we all tell stories whither imaginative or real... we tell our friends what happened to us... we tell our kids fairy tails... you can speak out a story ..

However,

Telling a story is not so easy: there are strict rules to follow, there is the plot which is the easiest, the sequence of events, the style, the tension... etc

it is not easy dear

all the best.

 

[Submissioness]

Anybody can tell a story.. . actually we all tell stories whither imaginative or real... we tell our friends what happened to us... we tell our kids fairy tails... you can speak out a story ..

However,

Telling a story is not so easy: there are strict rules to follow, there is the plot which is the easiest, the sequence of events, the style, the tension... etc

it is not easy dear

all the best.

Well, go ahead and tell every other author in the world. No one said it would be easy and no one said I was a five year old writing it.

Give me the benefit of the doubt here on the middle school literature class advice. I know what makes a story a story. Also, the rules aren't strict. It's an amateur erotica site for cripes sake. And it's called creative writing. Try telling Michaelangelo he can't paint on the ceiling...

Thanks for the good luck gesture though. Didn't mean to be a downer.