Just Started A Story

[PenforPrez]

I just started a story, and I wanted to post what I had in this thread to see if I was on the right track. Would that be alright? Thought I'd ask first. Thanks!

 

[ellabee]

You could try this or story discussion, though that's usually reserved for complete tales and regular posters.

 

[PenforPrez]

You could try this or story discussion, though that's usually reserved for complete tales and regular posters.

Thanks! I've never actually written a story for this board, so I wanted to get it right the first time.

 

[PenforPrez]

Here's the story I've started. Just wanted to see how this sounds. Thanks!

The rain fell lightly on the sidewalk as Jack and Susan walked hand-in-hand towards Susan's apartment late in the evening. Susan was excited; this was their fourth official date, and Jack so excited her that she secretly wanted to fuck the daylights out of him. The sexual chemistry sparkled like a firecracker between them, and Susan knew tonight was the night. As long as Jack was willing.

She knew Jack wanted to consummate their blossoming relationship. He'd made that clear two nights earlier at the end of their third date, when he'd pushed her into a dark alley in barely contained animal lust. They looked at each other with powerful carnal need in each others eyes and lunged at each other for a passionate, nearly violent liplock. His hands ran rapidly up her shirt to caress her firm breasts through her silky lace bra while their tongues danced in their mouths communicating their mutual need.

Susan's hands gently glided down his belly and teased his crotch. Jack's penis hardened rapidly as Susan's teasing hands gently stroked it through his tight Levi's. Jack slid the sides of her dress down, lifting her left breast free from its captivity, and devoured the nipple with his teeth and tongue. Susan gasped and moaned as a tingling surge of passion spewed from her pussy to the rest of her body. She grasped his penis with a sudden jerk, making him grunt in pain and pleasure. Jack's expert hand had just reached her throbbing clit when Susan broke away from their sensual embrace.

“I can't! I can't!!” Susan gasped, trying to catch her breath.

Jack caught his own breath before he spoke. “What's the matter, hun?”

Susan's words came in a rush from her mind to her mouth, and she spoke with haste. “Oh Jack, you're the sexiest man in the world. I want all this so much, but I'm not ready to have sex just yet. Please try to understand, Jack. I want to fuck you so bad, but I can't tonight.”

Jack tried to get past his sudden sexual frustration to try to figure out why she would suddenly break away like that. Maybe she was on her period. Maybe she forgot her pill that day. It could have been anything.

 

[Samuel667]

Here's the story I've started. Just wanted to see how this sounds. Thanks!

There's really not too much there story-wise to critique at this point. Grammar, spelling and sentence structure look good, but other than that there's not enough yet to discuss plot, characters, etc. Although, it seems strange that in the first paragraph Susan "knows tonight is the night as long as Jack was willing" but then decides tonight is not the night a couple paragraphs later. But I guess we'll have to wait to see why Susan broke away...

Sam

 

[PenforPrez]

Although, it seems strange that in the first paragraph Susan "knows tonight is the night as long as Jack was willing" but then decides tonight is not the night a couple paragraphs later. But I guess we'll have to wait to see why Susan broke away...

Sam

That was the part I was worried about. That was supposed to be a flashback to the previous date, which was supposed to help build anticipation for the story to follow. Obviously, there's not enough transition to the flashback. At least, that's how it sounds to me.

 

[davion2308]

Keep working it

It's not a bad start but as the poster above me said, "There's nothing there yet."

Write the whole thing. Write it start to finish and ask for help after. You write well enough from a technical point of view and you have solid grammar and spelling.

As for the plot line, give us more and we can help!

 

[PenforPrez]

Write the whole thing. Write it start to finish and ask for help after. You write well enough from a technical point of view and you have solid grammar and spelling.

I'm sorry if I went about it incorrectly. I was afraid to finish it before feeling it out. Thanks for the compliment on grammar.

As for the plot line, give us more and we can help!

Simply enough, it's just a couple who haven't gone out very long having sex for the first time, and I'm trying to build the anticipation from the female's point of view as she experiences sex with this man who just turns her on like no other.

 

[PenforPrez]

I had to put this story away for a bit; life got in the way. But I'm back at it now.

I'm still having trouble with the flashback part. Here's the transition I have from the story to the flashback.

Susan kept reliving the end of the previous date in her mind. After they had left Susan's favorite restaurant, Jack pushed her into a dark alley in barely contained animal lust. They looked at each other with powerful carnal need in each others eyes and lunged at each other for a passionate, nearly violent liplock. His hands ran rapidly up her shirt to caress her firm breasts through her silky lace bra while their tongues danced in their mouths communicating their mutual need.

It doesn't seem strong enough somehow. What do you guys think?

 

[emap]

I had to put this story away for a bit; life got in the way. But I'm back at it now.

I'm still having trouble with the flashback part. Here's the transition I have from the story to the flashback.

Susan kept reliving the end of the previous date in her mind. After they had left Susan's favorite restaurant, Jack pushed her into a dark alley in barely contained animal lust. They looked at each other with powerful carnal need in each others eyes and lunged at each other for a passionate, nearly violent liplock. His hands ran rapidly up her shirt to caress her firm breasts through her silky lace bra while their tongues danced in their mouths communicating their mutual need.

It doesn't seem strong enough somehow. What do you guys think?

Normally it's better to simply show not tell, so like the above would work better if you simply did this.

Susan kept reliving the end of the previous date in her mind. After dinner he escorted her out of the restaurant before he had grabbed her up propelling her into a nearby alley where their clothes were sent flying before his hands were all over her, their lips locked in a crushing kiss. A deep carnal moan emantating from her as his lips are pulled back to suck at her neck with a growl, her hips thrusting at him to get more of the animal fire quenched.

Just how I would do it of course.