Hope its ok to post this here (long sorry)

[candicane_lover]

If not please forgive me as I am new to the forum. I need advice and please do not think badly of me.

I have been with the same guy since I was 15 yrs old. we got married when I was 19. In the beginning the sex was excellent. Several times a day and on a daily basis. it rocked. we were both extremely sexual people and were eachother's first. he is a year and a few months older than I. there would be times where he could not keep his hands off me. Groping/grabbing initiating and then it slowly has gone downhill. Over the past 2 years or so its gotten to the point where if I dont initiate it he would go weeks and it really bothers me.

I am very open and willing to trying new things and nothing hurts me more when it seems like he is no longer interested and honestly I feel like if I didnt initiate he could go without for months at a time. I have tried to talk to him regarding this issue and have asked him to please talk to his doctor because a 31 year old man should have more of a sexual appetite. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy and to keep the sparks flying but lately Im just ready to give up.

For instance a few nights ago we were laying in bed and I reached over and started to rub his cock and started kissing his neck, shoulder area etc. He just lays there like a bump on a log. SO I continue to work my way down and started to suck him off and did this special trick he normally loves where I deep throat him and suck him with my tongue. He just lays there not making a sound or anything. nothing. So he cums in my mouth then rolls over and falls asleep on me. Giving him a blow job is highly erotic to me and turns me on knowing that I can get him off and make him feel good. I send him dirty text messages during the day detailing what Im wearing and what I want him to do to me when he gets home as well as what I would love to do to him. I send him dirty pics of me and nothing. He comes home right after work to a cooked meal and then spends the rest of the night watching tv. I know he works hard and is tired when he gets home. But Im tired to after cleaning house all day, taking care of the grocery shopping, bill paying, children and their many activities, I am the asst. coach our sons ball team, I cook dinner and have his plate fixed and ready for him when he gets home, ill rub his shoulders and do everything I can to make sure when he gets home he doesnt have to do much of anything.

Ive brought this topic up many times to him and tried to talk about it with him and he acts like it irritates him. He wont discuss with me whats going on and why he has changed so much. I know he is not cheating as we talk thru out the day on his breaks at work and Ill cook him lunch and run it up there to him.

I bought a sexy new babydoll nighty with lacy thongs to match and had it on the other night when he came home from work. (kids were at their grandparents) I answered the door wearing it and he tells me I dont know why you bother with buying those Id rather see you naked. Its just gonna come off anyway. I ended up losing all interest and getting dressed and crying. I even jokingly made the comment to him one night that if he didnt start putting out I would find a boyfriend on the side who wants to have sex with me. Just to see what he would say. His response was if thats what you want. But to be honest I would never want to hurt him but Im seriously considering taking up a offer from the other asst coach.

I know something has to be going on medically or something but he refuses to talk to his dr about it. It embarrassed him when I went to the ent dr with him because our appts were the same day within 15 mins of eachothers and the dr had a sign up for sleep apnea and one of the symptoms was losing interest in sexual activity and I told the dr he had all but 2 symptoms on the list the only ones he didnt have was stroke or heartattack and he told me it embarrassed him.

How do I get him to be the man I married? I want our steamy hot sex life back. Do guys just lose interest as they get older? I have heard that guys sexual prime is in the 20's and peaks at 25 yrs old and a womans is in her 30's.

So help me out here guys what can I do?

 

[nmb413]

Well I’m probably the wrong person to take advice from because I’m only twenty-one, and still a virgin. There might be a couple things that is going on in my opinion….

Reason’s Why​

#1- Is there something going on that is putting stress on him? If there is stress that might be killing the mood because he feels like weight of the world is on his shoulders. Is there something going on at work? , changes in personnel, layoffs, that kind of stuff? Or is something stressful on the family front?

#2- He might of already hit his peak, normally I thought guys hit it once they get in there early 30’s because it’s just natural for a guy to go out and try to spread his seed to populate it normally happens in their younger years, where woman start in there mid-thirty’s because their biological clock is ticking and they want to crank the kids out.

#3 It could be sleep apnea as well like the dr. said, but I think it might be the first thing.

Things to Try​

#1 Try spicing it up a little more, I know you did the lingerie which is great, but maybe bring a toy in for you, and have him use it on you, it is worth a shot, see if it sparks something.

#2 Take a weekend off if possible, or even a night and go for something romantic, see if there is any promise doing it that way.

Also cheating really isn’t a great option, specially if kids are involved. Really it will end up making things a lot more complicated. If you do it in hiding without his knowledge and it comes out in the open, it could very well ruin the marriage. So you have to weigh that out.

Hopefully it helps you a little, let know if anything works

 

[RawHumor]

If you can get him off via a blow job like you mentioned, then the problem may not be medical (he can get it up and get off, but doesn't seem interested).

It could be psychological or emotional. He could be suffering from depression - that's almost what it sounds like to me. Are other parts of his life okay, or does he seem apathetic all around?

Or, sadly, he could just be hidding a boredom patch... the fabled seven year itch, so to speak (though I know you've been together longer than that). That's tougher to 'fix', I think.

 

[needmybbgirl]

I'd go with apnea.
Healthy men dont lose their sex drive at any age
He might have a guilty conscience and you coddling exacerbates his guilt. You might try not being so nice and give him some space
I sense a lot of insecurity - you monitor him for lunch and talk to him on breaks, he is embarrassed about a doctor examining his "manhood"
A lot of times a minor medical problem is the seed then feelings of inadequacy make a snowball get bigger as it rolls down the hill so the problem may be multidimensional now
Sex is bio-psycho-social and even spiritual for some people and anything out of kilter can blow the whole mess
Don't blame yourself and don't pay too much attention to it, it might make him more self conscious
He probably needs medical attention and therapy to address the collateral self efficacy and esteem issues
Marriage/sex counseling may be in order
He might be gay

 

[candicane_lover]

you all brought up some valid points. Thank you. I dont think I monitor him at work by talking to him on breaks as usually he is the one calling me. He calls just to say hi and to tell me he loves me, ask me about my day or what my plans are for the day usual conversation. And if there is something he thinks of during the day that may need to be handled before he gets home such as calling to find out about a part for the lawn mower, or something else that he needs me to take care of. I dont make him do it. Although it is nice to hear from him especially when Im having a bad day. He isnt controlling by any means. And I didnt realize that by bringing him lunch at work once a week may make him feel as though Im "checking" up on him. I was just doing it to be nice, as sometimes I will run out and pick up something for lunch while cleaning the house or in between errands and such so I figure if Im eating out I should bring him something as well. he has always been very open about his job, and the people he works with. We often will get together with some of his coworkers during off days and I am friends with several of their wives. As most of the wives have party type businesses such as I did passion parties, one does mary kay, premier jewelry etc. When we all get together at our home it is usually his idea and he will ask me if I feel up to having a bbq or would we like to go to his buddies house for one on X day with XYZ

Being a Passion Party Consultant we have a wide selection of items that we have purchased together for our use only. I never really considered the depression or stress as an issue but honestly that may be what it could be because they have done some lay offs at work but I believe he is pretty safe because he has been there for 6 years and rarely ever takes a day off. he usually has a week and a half if not more of paid time off at the end of the year.

 

[Donkeepuncher]

I have the cure for this, it called getting some "strange." A man's brain is wired to be with different woman so we can spread our seed. when a guy is with the same woman too long our brains tell us too move to the next girl and we lose interest in the one we have. Getting some strange pussy he's not used to, will get his blood flowing again. I bet he still watches porn and beats off when your not around.

Sorry if that sounded vulgur or mean but women shouldn't feel that its them. Sometimes men need action from several women. Expecially since you got married so young, has he even been with another woman?

 

[rocketeer50]

CL,
Try reading here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/sex_quiz.htm This woman has a book about dealing with differences in sex drives within a couple. Trust me it can be very destructive of a marriage, whether the high-drive person is the woman or the man. Usually the lower drive person doesn't take the problem seriously and doesn't understand how emotionally upsetting the continual rejections are. Don't wait until your resentment grows so much that your marriage can't be fixed. ON the other hand, if his drive is gone and he refuses to work with you to reach a compromise, you may have to face the decision of leaving him and/or finding someone else. No one deserves to have a lousy sex life.

 

[Mistressmauve]

Oh that's sad

If not please forgive me as I am new to the forum. I need advice and please do not think badly of me.

I have been with the same guy since I was 15 yrs old. we got married when I was 19. In the beginning the sex was excellent. Several times a day and on a daily basis. it rocked. we were both extremely sexual people and were eachother's first. he is a year and a few months older than I. there would be times where he could not keep his hands off me. Groping/grabbing initiating and then it slowly has gone downhill. Over the past 2 years or so its gotten to the point where if I dont initiate it he would go weeks and it really bothers me.

I am very open and willing to trying new things and nothing hurts me more when it seems like he is no longer interested and honestly I feel like if I didnt initiate he could go without for months at a time. I have tried to talk to him regarding this issue and have asked him to please talk to his doctor because a 31 year old man should have more of a sexual appetite. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy and to keep the sparks flying but lately Im just ready to give up.

For instance a few nights ago we were laying in bed and I reached over and started to rub his cock and started kissing his neck, shoulder area etc. He just lays there like a bump on a log. SO I continue to work my way down and started to suck him off and did this special trick he normally loves where I deep throat him and suck him with my tongue. He just lays there not making a sound or anything. nothing. So he cums in my mouth then rolls over and falls asleep on me. Giving him a blow job is highly erotic to me and turns me on knowing that I can get him off and make him feel good. I send him dirty text messages during the day detailing what Im wearing and what I want him to do to me when he gets home as well as what I would love to do to him. I send him dirty pics of me and nothing. He comes home right after work to a cooked meal and then spends the rest of the night watching tv. I know he works hard and is tired when he gets home. But Im tired to after cleaning house all day, taking care of the grocery shopping, bill paying, children and their many activities, I am the asst. coach our sons ball team, I cook dinner and have his plate fixed and ready for him when he gets home, ill rub his shoulders and do everything I can to make sure when he gets home he doesnt have to do much of anything.

Ive brought this topic up many times to him and tried to talk about it with him and he acts like it irritates him. He wont discuss with me whats going on and why he has changed so much. I know he is not cheating as we talk thru out the day on his breaks at work and Ill cook him lunch and run it up there to him.

I bought a sexy new babydoll nighty with lacy thongs to match and had it on the other night when he came home from work. (kids were at their grandparents) I answered the door wearing it and he tells me I dont know why you bother with buying those Id rather see you naked. Its just gonna come off anyway. I ended up losing all interest and getting dressed and crying. I even jokingly made the comment to him one night that if he didnt start putting out I would find a boyfriend on the side who wants to have sex with me. Just to see what he would say. His response was if thats what you want. But to be honest I would never want to hurt him but Im seriously considering taking up a offer from the other asst coach.

I know something has to be going on medically or something but he refuses to talk to his dr about it. It embarrassed him when I went to the ent dr with him because our appts were the same day within 15 mins of eachothers and the dr had a sign up for sleep apnea and one of the symptoms was losing interest in sexual activity and I told the dr he had all but 2 symptoms on the list the only ones he didnt have was stroke or heartattack and he told me it embarrassed him.

How do I get him to be the man I married? I want our steamy hot sex life back. Do guys just lose interest as they get older? I have heard that guys sexual prime is in the 20's and peaks at 25 yrs old and a womans is in her 30's.

So help me out here guys what can I do?

I'm sorry. It's pretty fucking bad isn't it? I was married to a man for twenty
years. We started out same as you and gradually over the years his
interest in sex waned until he had no drive at all. Fact is, the last five
years we were married we hardly did it more than twice.
He smoked marijuana too and I guess that didn't help. But honestly,some
men are just lazy bastards. If I was you I would leave him.
I'm not being a bitch, but don't waste your life. If he really loves you he
should make some effort and if he loves you but doesn't like sex well
he's a bore. I'm sorry to say this, but I have no patience for lazy men......... but hey good luck sweetie.......

 

[Hammeryougood]

Sorry to hear your sex life is bad. I'm 40 and my wife is 30 I kind off lost interest in sex for a while. Most of it was stress and job related the wife thought I was cheating. That was't the case at all I like to look at porn. It gets me fired up and I want to have sex with her. I don't know if you mind porn but maybe get a movie and watch it. Take him to a strip club and buy him a lap dance or two. Nothing wrong with that as long as he goes home with you. My ex did it for me and loved it kind of strange at first but she couldn't stay faithful. I have a strong sex drive and a little change really get me going. Good Luck

 

[Pinkneonsocks]

I'm sorry, dear.

It sounds to me like it's more psycological or mental than medical. The only way I'd associate it with medical is maybe a new medication.

How is he otherwise? Is he happy?


You'll figure things out. Try not to blame yourself. If it is any of the above he needs your support and your no good to him by placing yourself at fault.

 

[candicane_lover]

I did convince him to talk to his dr. He has a cardiologist for his high blood pressure and then he sees the ent dr. He felt more comfortable with his ent dr and the ent sent him for a sleep study. From what he and I both explained about his sleep habits and the dr thinks it may be sleep apnea and its very possible that he really is tired and not getting enough sleep which could be one of the reasons. He checked my husbands medications and that is not a side effect of the med he takes for his HBP so if its sleep apnea they will discuss it further and then we will proceed further with whichever procedure may help as he said there was several ways to treat it. So hopefully we can get to the root of the issue now that he is accepting there is an issue.

 

[Rick345]

Well the fact, he is going to talk to his doctor about his "problem" is a good thing but, I wouldn't put all my eggs in that basket and even though you have checked your husband's medications for HBP and found that lack of interest in sex or ability to have and maintain an erection is not one of the side effects one of the side effects of HBP itself is the restricted ability to have an erection. You can still have them but, they are not as easy to achieve nor as strong as they were... Its not like a light switch its either on or off its more like a partly clogged drain the water still flows out of the sink it just doesn't do it as effortlessly as it once did.

Also the fact the man works long hard hours he's probably just tired. And yall are probably right about the depression. When a man hits 30 to 40 and you start reading statements like if you are over 30 please consult our doctor before engaging in this activity... That alone is depressing not to mention like almost everyone, he realizes he hasn't met some of the goals he had as a young man, and time is running out, the younger people are getting the promotions, good assignments.... At work when you hit 30 you simply can't physically do what you could at 20 you no longer have the strength or endurance but, you have to keep your job so when you get home you are just bone dead tied. And while he maybe diagnosed with sleep apnea my guess he's just working harder than his body is equipped to handle.

My first question to you is when did his lack of interest in sex first occur? And what changed in his life during that same time frame; say six months before up to six months after his change toward you? And that's where I'd be looking for answers. I wouldn't put too much stock in the fact that he doesn't talk to you about his problem simply because he probably doesn't know why its happening either, in a sense you are asking him for answers he just doesn't have and I'm sure its very frustrating to him not to have the answers not to mention the frustration he must feel being any half the man he once was metaphorically speaking.

 

[Theo5050]

Congratulations! You are a really loving wife (one of a disappearing breed!) and I understand your feelings. Don't seek solace in the other coach or anyone else. Your problem is not an easy one to solve. Work stress, the reality of vanished youthful exhuberance and worrying (mostly needlessly) over the future seem to gang up on men and rob them of their Joy de vivre! A physical check, ruling out deficiencies in essential minerals or vitamins is the first step. If everything is O.K. then a talk with a well-qualified counsellor or psychologist would probably do the trick. However, your husband, being male, will kick and scream against doing these things because , deep down, he feels it is an affront to his manhood (whatever that is!). Hang in there, after 62 years wonderful marriage I can assure you it's worth the effort!

 

[monique1971]

I honestly don't think you have done anything wrong. On the other hand, I don't think there is much you can do to change the situation. That sounds bleak, and I wish I could be more encouraging, but I have been in the same situation myself for years. (Only you sound nicer than I am and a much better wife.) One time we went for over a year without having sex! You definitely should know that this problem is WAY more common than you would realize. Despite all the folklore out there about how men want it all the time, blah blah blah...some men simply don't. And there is nothing you can do fix it unless he himself decides it's a problem and decides himself to deal with it, directly and responsibly.

My advice: get a therapist to help you deal with the grief, loneliness and rejection., Concentrate on your own interests. Focus on your kids. Buy some great sex toys, masturbate, take yourself out for pedicures, work out...appreciate your body on your own terms and learn to feel sexy no matter what he says or does. Accept that this is the way he is, and you can either live this way or leave. Don't be like me and spent 15 years bashing your head against a brick wall that never shifts, trying every scheme and strategy under the sun.

Big hugs to you. You sound like a loving person and I know how heartbreaking this situation is.