What's a Mother to Do?

[SlickTony]

You all have read posts regarding my son, over the last several years--some of y'all have even met him. He's a sweet, somewhat geeky, Asperger kid of 20. Socially he's kind of a late bloomer--he has an on-line GF, but he hasn't dated any girls in meat space

Ok, he's got this friend whom he's known since we moved into our house--well, not that long; when we first moved in, his friend was too young to be let out into the cul-de-sac. But once they actually met each other, they got along great and they've hung out ever since. They've slept over at each other's houses a zillion times. I know his parents; I got to hear all about it when they split up a few years ago and the boy's mom took him to Statesboro, GA to live with her people, and then she ended up coming back, and then I heard about it when they split up for good. They've always managed to stay in touch no matter where he was.

It seems to be a problem with some people that there is a 5 year difference in their ages. My son's friend is 15, but a kind of mature-looking 15--at least he sports a credible moustache. He's going with this girl who lives in the next county. This weekend my son was going to go with his friend and hang out with him and his girlfriend. But the girl's parents seem to have a problem with my son being there, because of his age. IOW, my so is expected to carry his friend down to Green Cove Springs, drop him off there and come back for him later. I cannot fucking believe this. My sweet, innocent son being viewed as a potential predator. Yeah, I know--some people view 15 and 20 as too big an age difference to hang out together, but really, my son tends to present as younger than he is. Anyway, not all his friends are younger--some of them are older, some are his age.

I feel a desire to try and run some interference--I'd like to contact this girl's parents and, um, try to persuade them not to pass judgment on someone that they don't know anything about. On the other hand, I'm not sure he'd thank me nor that it would do any good. He is very well known and well-liked in our community and has never really been in any serious trouble outside of a couple of traffic tickets.

Should I Do Something? Or should I just MYOB?

 

[KarennaC]

I have a ten-year-old daughter with Asperger's, so I know exactly what you mean by presenting younger than their age.

I wouldn't contact the girl's parents. If your son is 20, even though as his mother your first instinct is to make things easier for him and even if he does appear younger than his age, he's an adult. In my opinion, it isn't up to you, nor is it really your place (sorry if that sounds harsh) to run interference for him.

If he were my son, I would recommend to him that he not be his friend's transportation given the change in plans. If the friend still expects it, he's taking advantage of your son, and one thing I think the parents of anyone with Asperger's needs to teach their child is how to avoid being taken advantage of. They don't always have the skills to recognize it for themselves.

I would also suggest to him and the friend that they find a way for your son to meet the girl's parents (if he hasn't already) so they can see that he's harmless and see how he acts. He certainly shouldn't have to take his friend there, come back, then make the same round trip again to pick the friend up, but it is the girl's parents' choice as to who is in their house. You can help your son figure out what to do about his part in the situation, but you can't, nor should you necessarily try, to affect what other people do or think.

 

[SlickTony]

I have a ten-year-old daughter with Asperger's, so I know exactly what you mean by presenting younger than their age.

I wouldn't contact the girl's parents. If your son is 20, even though as his mother your first instinct is to make things easier for him and even if he does appear younger than his age, he's an adult. In my opinion, it isn't up to you, nor is it really your place (sorry if that sounds harsh) to run interference for him.

If he were my son, I would recommend to him that he not be his friend's transportation given the change in plans. If the friend still expects it, he's taking advantage of your son, and one thing I think the parents of anyone with Asperger's needs to teach their child is how to avoid being taken advantage of. They don't always have the skills to recognize it for themselves.

I would also suggest to him and the friend that they find a way for your son to meet the girl's parents (if he hasn't already) so they can see that he's harmless and see how he acts. He certainly shouldn't have to take his friend there, come back, then make the same round trip again to pick the friend up, but it is the girl's parents' choice as to who is in their house. You can help your son figure out what to do about his part in the situation, but you can't, nor should you necessarily try, to affect what other people do or think.

This sounds like sound advice, and my son has already told his friend that if all he's going to be is transportation, forget it. As far as arranging it so that he meets his friend's girlfriend's parents, that ball is in the friend's court, in my opinion.

 

[TheeGoatPig]

I was 20 when I became best friends with a 15 year old. I got along with all of his younger friends, and their parents.

The problem here seems to be that the parents involved heard about the meeting before it ever happened. I am sure that if they met your son in person they would like him immediately.

 

[SlickTony]

I was 20 when I became best friends with a 15 year old. I got along with all of his younger friends, and their parents.

The problem here seems to be that the parents involved heard about the meeting before it ever happened. I am sure that if they met your son in person they would like him immediately.

It figures. This is why kids want to set things up first and inform their parents afterwards. As for your last statement, I am sure you're right. It's up to my son's friend to orchestrate that.