What makes an online D/s relationship work?

[bobz808]

I am an inexperienced dom looking to get into a D/s relationship online only and I was wondering how best to make it work from both the sub and dom point of views, any suggestions anyone?

 

[Homburg]

I have limited experience with purely long-distance no contact relationships, but they are still relationships. What makes them work is communication, personal investment, emotional connection, etc just a normal relationship. If anything, LD takes more contact and more time than normal relationships. You can't just hang out on the couch together soaking in each others' presence, so you actually have to work at it.

 

[bobz808]

thanks for the insight, what methods of punishment and reward have worked for you with a sub in the past? bearing in mind that you are physically unable to administer spankings etc

 

[Homburg]

I don't tend to do punishment particularly, and I certainly don't plan it out. Too many relationships have a focus on punishment. Doesn't make sense to me. My displeasure should be sufficient punishment in most cases, and if it is not, we are likely not a good fit. Then again, I can be particularly expressive when I am displeased, and it is not pleasant in the slightest (so am told).

as to reward, much like above, the fact that I am well pleased should be her primary motivation. It may sound hokey, but if you set up the very basis of reward/avoidance on your emotional state, you conquer a lot of the issues present for some in distance D/s.

You cannot lay your hand on your bottom, so you must have the same effect somehow. Emotion is the best way I've found to do this.

There is an entire thread called "Distance Domination Support" that discusses this. Read up on the thread. It's not some nuts and bolts thing on what to do, but it will help you with the psychology.

Nuts and bolts stuff doesn't matter at the end of the day. If she isn't within arm's reach, all that matter is emotion and mindset.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I would think one of the first things you need to decide is what kind of relationship are you looking for. Do you want more of a role-play partner? An emotional relationship? More of a Top/bottom relationship than a D/s ? Do you expect your partner to be submissive 24/7 even when you are not on-line?

None of these are better or worse, or more "true" or "real" but it would help you to know exactly what you are looking for before you go looking.

I have been in a on-line/long distance relationship for almost 4 years now. We do try to meet at least every few months. I have never been punished on-line. My Dominant's displeasure, anger and especially hurt is enough punishment to change/ correct my behaviour.

 

[NALA CAYENNE]

I don't tend to do punishment particularly, and I certainly don't plan it out. Too many relationships have a focus on punishment. Doesn't make sense to me. My displeasure should be sufficient punishment in most cases, and if it is not, we are likely not a good fit. Then again, I can be particularly expressive when I am displeased, and it is not pleasant in the slightest (so am told).

as to reward, much like above, the fact that I am well pleased should be her primary motivation. It may sound hokey, but if you set up the very basis of reward/avoidance on your emotional state, you conquer a lot of the issues present for some in distance D/s.

You cannot lay your hand on your bottom, so you must have the same effect somehow. Emotion is the best way I've found to do this.

There is an entire thread called "Distance Domination Support" that discusses this. Read up on the thread. It's not some nuts and bolts thing on what to do, but it will help you with the psychology.

Nuts and bolts stuff doesn't matter at the end of the day. If she isn't within arm's reach, all that matter is emotion and mindset.

You and Master both

Anyway, to answer bobz808, most of my experience has been in online D/s and to mirror Homburg in what he says, it's all in the emotion. Both the good times and the bad. There is virtually nothing that I wouldn't do for Master and I don't think there are many things that he has asked me that I haven't done because I not only respect his place in my life and mine in his, but also because of the bond between us- being long distance doesn't lessen the fact that I belong to him.

When it comes to punishment, if I even sense a change in Master's mood or voice on the phone, it is usually enough to make me feel like the worst slave in the world simply because I have upset him. Sometimes I don't catch when I am in trouble though (which frustrates him) and sometimes I think I'm in trouble when I'm not and wind up beating myself up for nothing (which frustrates him even more because now he's trying to convince me that I'm not in trouble. To be honest, though, sometimes I feel like I give myself more punishment than he does.

On the rare occasion that Master sees it is a must to punish me though (and yes there have been a few times), he has done orgasm denial and silence. His silence kills me more than anything, including knowing his displeasure because then I am wondering when and if he's going to be bothered with me again or even if he's going to decide to let me go (extreme thoughts, I know, and I know neither is the case in any way, it's just the not knowing what's going on in his head that gets me going).

Backing what ecstaticsub says about figuring out what type of relationship you want, I would also add making sure to build the trust and honesty between the two of you because in an online only or distance relationship, those are the two things that has to happen or the relationship will never get anywhere.

 

[bobz808]

thanks everyone for your opinions and thoughts on this, it is very interesting especially the fact that both dom and sub feel that there is little need for physical punishment.

I would say i am looking for role play online with the sub carrying out tasks etc while we are not online, starting off with IM and then phone calls and cam if possible

I will look into the distance domination thread also

 

[Adakgirl]

The need for physical punishment depends upon the relationship and the people within it. For me punishment works. Emotional punishment is much worse because I do beat myself up emotionally over it as well. A stern lecture also works very well. But being cut-off from communication (silence) only causes me to build up resentment and frustration. My 1st husband used the silent treatment for days and weeks on me and it's just something that I can not tolerate at all.
Once the communication is allowed again, the PLY now has a very distant, rebellious, pissed off submissive on his hands. I lose all sight of why I am being punished in the 1st place.

Sometimes with my personality, it is far better to give me a punishment, be it a physically painful one (ex: extended time kneeling in corner, swats or both) or a physically exhausting one (ex: clean every room in my house top to bottom including washing walls and cleaning carpets) or a difficult complicated writing assignment, and get it over with. Once it is completed I feel no resentment from being temporarily abandoned. I have learned my lesson well, I am humbled and am not likely to repeat the offense.

 

[FurryFury]

IMO, it takes two loyal, emotionally mature, people with long attention spans who WANT to make it work.

 

[myinnerslut]

a webcam

 

[FurryFury]

a webcam

Seriously?

 

[CutieMouse]

Friendship and chemistry.

 

[myinnerslut]

Seriously?

seriously.

i would go nuts not being able to see Master on camera. we do video and voice chat with them. it is on when i am working on my computer or in my room. i sleep on camera.

the webcam is a very good thing.

 

[midwestyankee]

I would start with a relationship and work up from there. Anything that starts with the premise that the LD bdsm comes first and the relationship comes second will fail. Unconditionally, without exception: it will fail.

If you don't already have a relationship that you want to carry out in this manner, you may want to rethink your plans.

 

[myinnerslut]

I would start with a relationship and work up from there. Anything that starts with the premise that the LD bdsm comes first and the relationship comes second will fail. Unconditionally, without exception: it will fail.

If you don't already have a relationship that you want to carry out in this manner, you may want to rethink your plans.

i was assuming a relationship in my answer. i was also assuming D/s. i was focusing mainly on the online bit.

 

[midwestyankee]

i was assuming a relationship in my answer. i was also assuming D/s. i was focusing mainly on the online bit.

And from those assumptions, your answer was marvelous. I just don't think that the OP has either in place yet and so is destined to have a tough time getting what he wants.

 

[Adakgirl]

I agree a webcam is a very important part of maintaining communication. But consistent dedication and any kind of communication are formost. As well as keeping things interesting, playing on-line games together, reading things together, discovering new things together...you can do that on-line too.

 

[FurryFury]

seriously.

i would go nuts not being able to see Master on camera. we do video and voice chat with them. it is on when i am working on my computer or in my room. i sleep on camera.

the webcam is a very good thing.

I'm glad it helps you two.

 

[bobz808]

I would start with a relationship and work up from there. Anything that starts with the premise that the LD bdsm comes first and the relationship comes second will fail. Unconditionally, without exception: it will fail.

If you don't already have a relationship that you want to carry out in this manner, you may want to rethink your plans.

thanks for all the tips

i do not have anything in place yet and realise that friendship and communication are vital to make it work

 

[bobz808]

I agree a webcam is a very important part of maintaining communication. But consistent dedication and any kind of communication are formost. As well as keeping things interesting, playing on-line games together, reading things together, discovering new things together...you can do that on-line too.

this is interesting adakgirl, any specifics that have worked well in the past

 

[bobz808]

i really want this to work for both parties which is why i am trying to get as much information from experienced doms and subs as possible, thanks all for your contributions

 

[Adakgirl]

this is interesting adakgirl, any specifics that have worked well in the past

LoL actually no, these suggestions I have mentioned here are gleaned from my on-line relationships that did not work , not from what has worked well in the past. Things that I believe are important to make them work. Sorry I should have specified.

 

[ecstaticsub]

As a way of him learning more about my interests in the beginning I was required to write any fantasy I had while I masturbated. He (thankfully) has never been into orgasm denial and has encouraged me to masturbate as much as I want...so there were many fantasy short stories that he received. He also has had me write little stories for him. Sometimes he would give me a beginning scene and then I would have to complete it.

This was much more fun than doing a check list of interests and dislikes. (I did do a checklist of limits and interest, also)

 

[NALA CAYENNE]

this is interesting adakgirl, any specifics that have worked well in the past

Not taking away from you asking adakgirl:

Master and I actually have a movie night which I love and he put in place. We watch the same movie at the same time and chat while watching it.

We also eat at the same time, lunch and dinner, when he goes to his part time job I wait up for him, on the weekends we nap together, we shower together every day. He even wants us to start reading together since we both love to read.

It is truly amazing what Master's imagination does to help make our distance not so bad and I love him so much more for coming up with these things to lessen the distance.

 

[FurryFury]

I know several people have said how great a web cam is. That's wonderful for them if they both agree, but you may find quite a few people are not willing to use one. I'm on that side of things. I have a family. I must be discrete due to my work. Cams are a no no for me.