Any advice for a new cyberdom ?

[darkenhorse]

Hello there.

I've recently began an online dom/sub relationship. For the moment the tools my sub and I use are imagination and description. We are both enjoying it very much but we are both inexperienced - I am her first dom and she is my first sub.

We are taking it slowly at first, enjoying the journey. We did not know how are this is going to go (photos, webcam work, meet in person, etc) but for now it's a PM and email relationship and it's wonderful.

Now I'm a firm believer in the idea that ignorance is not bliss and asking those with experience is no sin.

So I throw this question open to this forum :

Do you have any advice for me ?

I would say this to my sub if she see's this : Do not read any further but talk to me about this thread if you want to. You must not spoil any surprises !

 

[Sir_Winston54]

This advice is for both of you.

Research, research, research. Start in The BDSM Library here, read lots and lots of the threads here in the Talk forum. If there's a 'reachable' munch and/or educational group in your area, attend and talk to more experienced PYLs.

Read some of the BDSM stories in the story section, but discount precisely 93.487% of the "action" in them, because r/l BDSM doesn't really work that way Read them for concepts that arouse interest in you, then discuss those concepts with each other.

Ask some questions here in the Talk forum, if (after some thread-cruising), you haven't found ideas or answers to your questions.

Above all, the key to a successful relationship, whether long-distance, cyber only, or 24/7 R/L, is to

communicate, CoMmUnIcAtE, COMMUNI-FREAKIN'-CATE!

 

[Adakgirl]

Right..that is what on-line relationships are communication thru man made devices. I suggest you both download the new Skype for Windows program. It's free, skype.com and you can call each others computer and have full screen view of each other in cam calls.
(no charge free calls anywhere in the world)

That means you can talk with each other thru your headset/microphone or the speakers on your computer, live real time and see each other face to face.. with your cams, at the same time.
Or you can also type to each other and see each other on cam at the same time.


It enhances long distance communications to the max. You will love it.

 

[sister76]

Hi there.

I had a long term relationship with someone online which worked very well in some ways, but in others, not. Since you sound like you, as a Dom, really care about the relationship, it sounds like you have conquered a major hurdle. That is the most important thing.

I would love to give you more advice but I really don't want to post it on here.

Contact me if you want more info. Otherwise, I hope you have fun.

 

[twiggy_the_spider]

As Adakgirl said, get skype, I just started seeing someone who lives far away and skype makes the time between seeing each other much more bearable. (not just for the obvious reasons but becasue you can see the persons face as you chat, it just feels much more human.)

 

[ecstaticsub]

Hi and welcome. I have been in a long-distance D/s relationship for almost 4 years now. We see each other 3-4 x a year (though the past year has been less due to situations out of our coontrol) I will be flying to visit him tomorrow.

The advice Sir_Winston gave you about the importance of communication I totally agree with. However, it is easier said then done with a LTR. Emotions and body language are more difficult to tell even over a cam and voice line.

From the submissive side trying to communicate how I am feeling when I am feeling things are not perfect while keeping the level of respect necessary has probably been the most difficult part of this relationship for me.

So my advice would be to once a week, month or every once in a while depending on how often you two talk you give her the freedom to speak freely and get her view of the state of the relationship. Most of the time I am guessing everything will be fine. But if she knows that at regular intervals she can and will be really listened to without any repercussions it may help.

(can you tell we are having communication issues at this time? )

Best of luck to you and if you have any questions please feel free to pm me. (or have your submissive pm me)

 

[JMohegan]

Do you have any advice for me ?!

Be your own man. That's my advice.

Instead of spending time reading about what gets other people off, spend time getting to know yourself and your partner, as well as thinking about what needs you're hoping to address with the relationship, what needs she's hoping to address, and the possibilities for intersection between the two.

Self-awareness, partner-awareness, and creativity. Those are your most important tools.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Be your own man. That's my advice.

Instead of spending time reading about what gets other people off, spend time getting to know yourself and your partner, as well as thinking about what needs you're hoping to address with the relationship, what needs she's hoping to address, and the possibilities for intersection between the two.

Self-awareness, partner-awareness, and creativity. Those are your most important tools.

A proponent of heterodoxy, eh?

OP, you'd be well advised not to be seen in the company of thought criminals. Word to the wise. Now move along.

 

[JMohegan]

A proponent of heterodoxy, eh?

OP, you'd be well advised not to be seen in the company of thought criminals. Word to the wise. Now move along.

It's sacrilege, I know.

 

[darkenhorse]

Thanks for the replies. I find I'm caring alot about my sub even though the relationship is just starting.

At the moment is just email, and we've only had a couple sessions together. I want to present voice chat as to her as a goal to reach for next. Cam will come after that.

For now I have been "typing" to her, trying to paint pictures in her mind, evoke sensations and her imagination. For me this must be less about, "pinch this", "poke that", "wiggle that around and dance three steps sideways" and more about emotion.

Since I was unsure how intense or tame to make my sessions with her I gave her control over their scheduling. I will be as intense or tame in each session as I like and she will only ask for the next one when she feels ready. That way I will not rush or scare her .

 

[darkenhorse]

Be your own man. That's my advice.

Instead of spending time reading about what gets other people off, spend time getting to know yourself and your partner, as well as thinking about what needs you're hoping to address with the relationship, what needs she's hoping to address, and the possibilities for intersection between the two.

Self-awareness, partner-awareness, and creativity. Those are your most important tools.

I totally agree with that and that is what I am trying to do. But I also believe that theres no shame in asking for advice. When you're new to something it's always better to ask those more with more experience than risk mistakes.

Seems I care enough about her to do that. How about that , eh ?

 

[ecstaticsub]

one other thing I would add...work at the relationship as it is between two people as much as the relationship between a Dominant and a submissive. Daddy and I emailed/IM'd/phoned for about 5 months before I became his submissive or really any mention of BDSM outside of fantasy. We became friends and phone sex buddies and that developed into what the relationship is now. Now I would say 80 % of our communication is friendly chitchat and 20 % is "sessions" or phonesex. I still see it as a 24/7 relationship because even if I am not on the computer or phone with him I am still his and following his guidelines.

 

[Netzach]

one other thing I would add...work at the relationship as it is between two people as much as the relationship between a DOminant and a submissive. Daddy and I emailed/IM'd/phoned for about 5 months before I because his submissive or really any mention of BDSM outside of fantasy. We became friends and phone sex buddies and that developed into what the relationship is now. Now I would say 80 % of our communication is friendly chitchat and 20 % is "sessions" or phonesex. I still see it as a 24/7 relationship because even if I am not on the computer or phone with him I am still his and following his guidelines.

I can't stress this enough. We've been doing this for a while now, but the interaction was very front-loaded sexually. Now I can push any button I want when I want, but as often as not, H is a friend and confidant and emails me cartoons where photos of self-torment used to be the thing. It's not a wah where's the magic gone thing I'm pointing out, but a deepening and rewarding relationship.

 

[darkenhorse]

....a deepening and rewarding relationship.

Which is what I'm looking for really. At the moment am enjoying the novelty and newness of it all - savouring the journey no matter how short it long it turns out to be.

Learning how dominating I must be is what I'm finding tricky. Being her dom doesn't mean ( I hope ) that I don't ask her how she feels about what I am saying or doing . In fact, her reaction to my domination is something I'm really enjoying.