Self Doubt

[intothewoods]

This isn't bdsm related, so into the Cafe it goes...

I'm having some trouble lately with self doubt. I was in a pretty good place for a long time, felt like I had forgiven myself for bad decisions in the past, and felt good about life. I've done a lot of hard work in therapy and felt like, yeah, let's get on with life! And then Mister Man and I took a big step towards a future together, and all of a sudden I'm feeling full of self doubt again.

I feel like I can't trust my own gut and decision making - but I was so past this! Why is it coming back again? Maybe it's just fear of a big step? I mean, seriously, can't I just let myself be happy? I'm so over myself!

Anyway, my question is - have you ever had a big giant case of self doubt and, if so, what did you do to kick yourself in the ass and get over it?

 

[00Syd]

Lately I've been getting involved with some projects (starting student groups) which has really kept me focused and together. I haven't felt self-doubt-y or down for a while. I think just having something productive to keep my mind on has helped.

 

[ShyVixen]

This isn't bdsm related, so into the Cafe it goes...

I'm having some trouble lately with self doubt. I was in a pretty good place for a long time, felt like I had forgiven myself for bad decisions in the past, and felt good about life. I've done a lot of hard work in therapy and felt like, yeah, let's get on with life! And then Mister Man and I took a big step towards a future together, and all of a sudden I'm feeling full of self doubt again.

I feel like I can't trust my own gut and decision making - but I was so past this! Why is it coming back again? Maybe it's just fear of a big step? I mean, seriously, can't I just let myself be happy? I'm so over myself!

Anyway, my question is - have you ever had a big giant case of self doubt and, if so, what did you do to kick yourself in the ass and get over it?

I'm constantly plagued with self doubt. Doesn't matter what I do, how much recognition I get, I still feel I'm never good enough. That everything I do is never perfect enough. It's just the way I am, I'm very self critical and unaccepting of myself.

I'm sure a therapist would have a field day rooting around in my mind.

Writing down my fears, being honest with myself, is how I usually work things out, try and move past things so I can function on a normal level and the self doubt doesn't cripple me as a person. I've been keeping an online journal in the last few weeks to be honest with myself about the self doubt - what triggers it.

I would say it's probably the big step...but I'm not a therapist. Big changes though usually make my self doubt worse.

 

[satindesire]

I used to have some serious self esteem issues because of some abandonment problems I had because of my dad. I knew that if I could repair my relationship with my father, I'd get better.

I did, and I did!

Sometimes doubting yourself stems from problems you've had when you were younger. Perhaps you should go to a few sessions of counseling and talk to someone about it?

 

[intothewoods]

Lately I've been getting involved with some projects (starting student groups) which has really kept me focused and together. I haven't felt self-doubt-y or down for a while. I think just having something productive to keep my mind on has helped.

I was actually just thinking that I need a project that's just for me, not for anyone else, and not because I think I should do it. I've just been having trouble coming up with something. Maybe I'll take a cooking class...

I'm constantly plagued with self doubt. Doesn't matter what I do, how much recognition I get, I still feel I'm never good enough. That everything I do is never perfect enough. It's just the way I am, I'm very self critical and unaccepting of myself.

I'm sure a therapist would have a field day rooting around in my mind.

Writing down my fears, being honest with myself, is how I usually work things out, try and move past things so I can function on a normal level and the self doubt doesn't cripple me as a person. I've been keeping an online journal in the last few weeks to be honest with myself about the self doubt - what triggers it.

I would say it's probably the big step...but I'm not a therapist. Big changes though usually make my self doubt worse.

Journaling is really good. And yeah, I'm sure that's the trigger. It's just sort of annoying.

I used to have some serious self esteem issues because of some abandonment problems I had because of my dad. I knew that if I could repair my relationship with my father, I'd get better.

I did, and I did!

Sometimes doubting yourself stems from problems you've had when you were younger. Perhaps you should go to a few sessions of counseling and talk to someone about it?

I've been in counseling, which is why I find this irritating. It's like it just flared up.

 

[Shankara20]

Anyway, my question is - have you ever had a big giant case of self doubt

all the frackin time - I no longer trust myself at all - I have taken to say "As soon as I KNOW something for sure red flags go off in my head. If I am SURE of something it must be incorrect or wrong."

I've just gotten comfortable with my self doubt - like I have with the constant rattling that goes on in the back of my head.

Wish I could help - but I will keep reading this thread to see if someone else has figured it out.

 

[Netzach]

I'm like Shanks with this, only it's not constant. I tend to move from periods of strong self doubt into periods of strong self confidence. I've made really good art under both conditions, interestingly enough. And no, I've been tested for every personality disorder that people associate with this, the extremes aren't that extreme.

I've come to think this is just how I personally, maintain balance. Some people do it by being really even keeled and moderate and some people do it by pinging back and forth along a continuum.

 

[eastern sun]

I have been haunted by self-doubt for years.

Unfortunately much of it was based on the fact that I did make bad decisions in the past. It wasn't until I made a series of better decisions and was able to see the positive impact of those decisions in my life that I began to trust my decision-making process.

If you've made bad decisions in the past, it makes sense you'd be concerned. But you've probably also learned a lot in the process. Apply what you've learned and keep your eyes open.

Life is a process of trial and error.

 

[mylaceratedheart]

I have made great improvements in this area which has also helped me to accept my submissive side. This book is a wonder and a revelation, I can't recommend it enough.

 

[the_pet]

Anyway, my question is - have you ever had a big giant case of self doubt and, if so, what did you do to kick yourself in the ass and get over it?

chill, then i think what's the worst that can happen, realize that i'm "what if'ing" the situation and chill some more

pet

 

[peterbrazen]

When Do We Not have self doubts about anything in life whether its career, family, personal . . we always have doubt.


It is doubt that haunts our successes and makes them less successful.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I really struggle with self-doubt. I have times when I feel like I can conquer the world and other times when I feel like I will never be good enough. I'm really working on being less afraid and just living though.

 

[YourCaptor]

Well, I get two types of self doubt.

The normal one, for example, that paper is not good enough, I'm gonna look like an idiot if I go their.

What gets me over that is my confidence in my ability to land on my feet. No matter what happens, I can always recover, and so I just amp it up blow everything away.

The second type is the, are the words coming out of my mouth saying what I want, or something else that will betray me. A sort of hyper-consciousness. Wondering if I just showed them a picture or that porno I was looking at.

My naturally reaction to that is to mitigate it, nullify, dance around it. But once I realize it I take a breath and just stay calm, and look like I'm doing what I mean to be doing. It works.

 

[intothewoods]

all the frackin time - I no longer trust myself at all - I have taken to say "As soon as I KNOW something for sure red flags go off in my head. If I am SURE of something it must be incorrect or wrong."

I've just gotten comfortable with my self doubt - like I have with the constant rattling that goes on in the back of my head.

Wish I could help - but I will keep reading this thread to see if someone else has figured it out.

Wha? You are supposed to be wise and all-knowing! Well, it makes me feel better to know that others live with it too. Thank you.

I have been haunted by self-doubt for years.

Unfortunately much of it was based on the fact that I did make bad decisions in the past. It wasn't until I made a series of better decisions and was able to see the positive impact of those decisions in my life that I began to trust my decision-making process.
If you've made bad decisions in the past, it makes sense you'd be concerned. But you've probably also learned a lot in the process. Apply what you've learned and keep your eyes open.

Life is a process of trial and error.

I like this. Your post also reminds me that I haven't made that many bad decisions! Just a couple of major doozies.

Self-doubt may not even be entirely accurate. It's not like nerves before a presentation or something. I'm pretty good with psyching myself up for stuff like that. But I have sabotaged myself before in life a few times when the going got tough and I did not want to deal with it. That's really core for me. I can't do that again. Or perhaps I would do better to say: I need to remember that as I have sometimes done this to myself, I will be on the lookout for it and build in a plan. It's not like I don't have a partner who is there to meet me halfway. It's not like the past where I felt like I was struggling alone.

I'm like Shanks with this, only it's not constant. I tend to move from periods of strong self doubt into periods of strong self confidence. I've made really good art under both conditions, interestingly enough. And no, I've been tested for every personality disorder that people associate with this, the extremes aren't that extreme.

I've come to think this is just how I personally, maintain balance. Some people do it by being really even keeled and moderate and some people do it by pinging back and forth along a continuum.

Interesting. As to the art, sometimes I find myself paralyzed with anxiety, and then I can't do anything. It's not as bad as it used to be, since now I think, ah, hello, anxiety, and then "treat" it by one of the various methods I've acquired over the years - yoga, meditation, etc. I think my sister is like you, she needs to ping. That's her nature. I feel drained by extremes.

 

[Shankara20]

Wha? You are supposed to be wise and all-knowing!

hee hee - it looks like you bought into my marketing campaign...

 

[00Syd]

I think most everyone has a little self doubt, otherwise we'd all be cocky jerks. It's only when it starts preventing you from being happy or doing other things that it becomes a problem.

 

[the captians wench]

I'm like Shanks with this, only it's not constant. I tend to move from periods of strong self doubt into periods of strong self confidence. I've made really good art under both conditions, interestingly enough. And no, I've been tested for every personality disorder that people associate with this, the extremes aren't that extreme.

I've come to think this is just how I personally, maintain balance. Some people do it by being really even keeled and moderate and some people do it by pinging back and forth along a continuum.

This tends to be me too. When I'm up, I'm really up, and when I'm down I'm really down. But I've kind of learned the signs. I know when the down time is coming, I know when I'll start questioning everything I do, and I also know it will pass. So I've learned to just ride it out. I know sooner or later that the up time will come back and I'll have all the confidence in the world. Some how this has made the down time shorter in length. It's like my mind says "ah, this is just a phaze, you'll grow out of it" and it's almost ignored.

Then again it might be my freakly hightened sence of self awareness that pulls me out of it too. It's like I know I'm being silly when I'm going through these bouts of self doubt and shattered confidence, so I don't let it get to me as much. I just tell myself "wenchie, you're being silly, you know better" and do what I had intended to even if it feels all wrong.

 

[SubKekiLee]

I am so glad that I am not the only person to suffer bad enough from Self Doubt and acceptance... I know Ive had the worse mental break downs when i am doubting if I am a good enough pet, or if I did all the right things.. It makes Sir disappointed, when I doubt myself, and when I feel this feelings I push everyone out of the way and I clam up.. When I clam up I make him stressed out.. I always tell him I don't want to stress him out I think by keeping things from him I am helping but it turns out I only make it worse cause he worries about me. it only happens once in a while but when it does sometimes it is a doozy... I am so glad you made this thread..

Thank you makes me feel so much more real.... and knowing I am not the only one to suffer from this.

 

[intothewoods]

I've actually had the oh my god I can't do this self doubt about discrete tasks since I went to college. I got some good advice early on about outlining and breaking things into steps and that's always helped me.

Maybe I should cluster outline my feelings of fear. Can't hurt! I feel less paralyzed than I did when I wrote this, but I still wake up and think, can I do this? What if I screw it up?

 

[JMohegan]

I've actually had the oh my god I can't do this self doubt about discrete tasks since I went to college. I got some good advice early on about outlining and breaking things into steps and that's always helped me.

Maybe I should cluster outline my feelings of fear. Can't hurt! I feel less paralyzed than I did when I wrote this, but I still wake up and think, can I do this? What if I screw it up?

It's difficult to respond effectively without knowing what "this" is. I'm not asking, just sayin'!

If you "screw it up," what's the worst thing that can happen? To you, the kidlet, Mister Man, or anyone else?

Is your fear proportionate to the risk involved? Or is your fear amplified by the inadvertent placement of "this" (whatever "this" is) in the context of a prior fault?

 

[Homburg]

I've been reading this thread, and reading it, and reading it, and trying to figure out how to reply. I can't. I can't even pin down my self doubt. I know it's there, but it is hidden deep in various extremely reasonable sounding rationalisations. It lurks and hides until it pops out and wrecks me for a bit. Then it goes back to silent running.

So how do I deal with it? Ummmm, I think I just weather it, and hope it will go away. It eventually does. A big help to me is having an external motivator. I realise that I have responsibilities to which I MUST attend, and thus I can't sit around and doubt myself.

So I guess I really don't deal with it...

 

[satindesire]

Doubt is so random, isn't it?

Comes outta nowhere, leaves for no reason. Hangs out on your couch all day eating chips and getting crumbs in your remote control....

 

[Homburg]

The worst is when doubt and insomnia hit at the same time. Wow, sucksucksuck.

 

[intothewoods]

I've been reading this thread, and reading it, and reading it, and trying to figure out how to reply. I can't. I can't even pin down my self doubt. I know it's there, but it is hidden deep in various extremely reasonable sounding rationalisations. It lurks and hides until it pops out and wrecks me for a bit. Then it goes back to silent running.

So how do I deal with it? Ummmm, I think I just weather it, and hope it will go away. It eventually does. A big help to me is having an external motivator. I realise that I have responsibilities to which I MUST attend, and thus I can't sit around and doubt myself.

So I guess I really don't deal with it...

External motivators are helpful.

I have this weird feeling that I have not done enough for me. The worst thing my ex said to me was that I was selfish, and I think I've been overcompensating since then. I've done some post divorce woo woo stella got her groove back bullshit because I figured I should and what the hell why not, but I don't think that was really for me. I don't know.

Maybe I am worried I will disappear. I've always had difficulty blending just me with mom-me.

It's difficult to respond effectively without knowing what "this" is. I'm not asking, just sayin'!

If you "screw it up," what's the worst thing that can happen? To you, the kidlet, Mister Man, or anyone else?

Is your fear proportionate to the risk involved? Or is your fear amplified by the inadvertent placement of "this" (whatever "this" is) in the context of a prior fault?

I think I'm still struggling with letting the prior marriage be in the past.

I was going to say the worst thing that could happen would be that I have another child, get divorced, and then my kids have to visit three fucking houses. But I actually do not think that will happen at all. We've already looked at each other and said, oh, over my fucking dead body we are getting divorced. I'm sure that sounds insane to some people, like we'd hang on to something terrible. But no, we've just committed to keeping this thing on track.

I'm not one to make announcements on Lit, especially as I cling to the ridiculous hope of maintaining some anonymity, but you know what they say, first comes love...and I would never do something out of order.

Doubt is so random, isn't it?

Comes outta nowhere, leaves for no reason. Hangs out on your couch all day eating chips and getting crumbs in your remote control....

Ha ha ha ha!

 

[the captians wench]

External motivators are helpful.

I have this weird feeling that I have not done enough for me. The worst thing my ex said to me was that I was selfish, and I think I've been overcompensating since then. I've done some post divorce woo woo stella got her groove back bullshit because I figured I should and what the hell why not, but I don't think that was really for me. I don't know.

Maybe I am worried I will disappear. I've always had difficulty blending just me with mom-me.



I think I'm still struggling with letting the prior marriage be in the past.

I was going to say the worst thing that could happen would be that I have another child, get divorced, and then my kids have to visit three fucking houses. But I actually do not think that will happen at all. We've already looked at each other and said, oh, over my fucking dead body we are getting divorced. I'm sure that sounds insane to some people, like we'd hang on to something terrible. But no, we've just committed to keeping this thing on track.

I'm not one to make announcements on Lit, especially as I cling to the ridiculous hope of maintaining some anonymity, but you know what they say, first comes love...and I would never do something out of order.




Ha ha ha ha!

I remember that panic attack....and I'm no where near the "dum dum-de dum" stage. *giggles* Infact, I'm pretty sure that was one of my random ramblings for a few days.

Getting devorced went against every grain of my existance. He knew how I felt about it from the begining, I was very clear in the matter. I would die before I got devoced...well I didn't, and I'm very happy for that (though don't think for one minute I didn't sit down and really debate the pros and cons of doing such an act). Part of me feels like I failed some how. Like if I could have done this or that differently then he wouldn't have wanted to leave. I have moments when I think that he must have gotten bored with me, or maybe I smothered him too much and so on. But eventually sense clears the storm and those thoughts go away. Then I think about what must acure for me to beable to spend significant time with Jounar and the fear comes flooding back.

Will I make the same mistakes? Will I be prepared this time? How will I know for sure that it is time? How will I know that he's truely ready? I thought I knew last time, could Jounar fool me as easily? Was it my own hope for the future that blinded me to the signs? Will I go in blind again?......you get the idea.

It sounds funny, but what really reasures me in that moment is this: There is no certianty. It's not even certain that you'll wake up the next morning, nothing in this life is certain, so why stress over it. I think that's him rubbing off on me. It's very unlike me to not worry about everything, and he doesn't seem to worry about anything *giggles*. One of the many things I love about him, how much he balances me that way.

I'll never fully get rid of that fear. I see me old and gray and still wondering if I'm good enough to keep his attention. Deep wounds are hard to heal, but when it itches, I don't always need to pick at the scab.