What is bdsm?

[ToysCuriousgirl]

I'm trying to figure out what bdsm is and if it is something I would be comfortable adding to my life. I probably would not have become interested in bdsm on my own, but the man I'm dating has been into it for a few years, and I really care about him. He gave me the link to this forum when I asked him to recommend a place where I could talk to some other girls to find out more about it.

Can bdsm encompass several different attitudes and lifestyles? My background includes both being sexually abused as a child and surviving domestic violence as an adult, so some of the situations I've read about that others enjoy sound like they would upset me. Yet, even though I've read about some things that frighten me, I have absolutely loved the things he's done to me (like him pulling my hair while kissing me, making my nipples tender so I'll be reminded of his hands on my body when we are apart, helping me to submit to him and telling me I'm a good girl... oh, I wish I were playing with him right now!), so I'm wondering if there are different attitudes or levels of bdsm, and if this might work for me even though he might be disappointed by my limits.

I guess I'm wondering if this is about outside paraphernalia and actions or if it's an internal attitude, and if it's the latter, what that attitude is.

Also, I've dealt with my past of being abused but am wondering if bdsm would be appropriate for someone with my background. Are there any other women here with similar backgrounds who have found a way to incorporate bdsm into their life while still feeling emotionally safe?

I would also like to hear the perspective of what a D/s relationship is from a girl who is involved in one.

Thank you for any information you can share with me!

 

[unregistered]

 

[lilylicious]

JtohisPB is right. You should review many of the existing threads to find what you are looking for. Check out the Library section.

However, I can tell you that even though I'm still pretty new here, there is one theme I have heard again and again: there are as many flavors of D/s as there are couple engaged in it. My advice is to learn what you can from others and take from them the ideas that excite you.
The second biggest theme is communication but it sounds like you two are doing pretty well at that so far. Just don't be afraid to tell him how you feel about things. He wants to know.

Good luck and have fun!

 

[ShyVixen]

I'm trying to figure out what bdsm is and if it is something I would be comfortable adding to my life. I probably would not have become interested in bdsm on my own, but the man I'm dating has been into it for a few years, and I really care about him. He gave me the link to this forum when I asked him to recommend a place where I could talk to some other girls to find out more about it.

Can bdsm encompass several different attitudes and lifestyles? My background includes both being sexually abused as a child and surviving domestic violence as an adult, so some of the situations I've read about that others enjoy sound like they would upset me. Yet, even though I've read about some things that frighten me, I have absolutely loved the things he's done to me (like him pulling my hair while kissing me, making my nipples tender so I'll be reminded of his hands on my body when we are apart, helping me to submit to him and telling me I'm a good girl... oh, I wish I were playing with him right now!), so I'm wondering if there are different attitudes or levels of bdsm, and if this might work for me even though he might be disappointed by my limits.

I guess I'm wondering if this is about outside paraphernalia and actions or if it's an internal attitude, and if it's the latter, what that attitude is.

Also, I've dealt with my past of being abused but am wondering if bdsm would be appropriate for someone with my background. Are there any other women here with similar backgrounds who have found a way to incorporate bdsm into their life while still feeling emotionally safe?

I would also like to hear the perspective of what a D/s relationship is from a girl who is involved in one.

Thank you for any information you can share with me!

Firstly, welcome to Lit As the other ladies have said, reading the threads here, reading about experiences and attitudes, as well some of the external links recommended can be a good place to start. But even then, BDSM is a learning curve...

From my own personal experience, BDSM doesn't fit a mold, or an attitude. It can be different things to different people, it can encompass a lot of things - the meaning is entirely subjective. You just have to find what level works for you.

He can't be disappointed with you if you have good communication. If you both understand the limits, talk to each other about likes and dislikes, expectations etc, there is no room for disappointment. Again, it's just finding a level that suits you both.

On the last issue of abuse - fortunately, I can't comment personally. But I have a friend who has recently discovered her submissive side, she was sexually abused as a child and at times it's hard for her, but BDSM helps her to confront the bad memories and move forward.

 

[TrueFox]

Are there any other women here with similar backgrounds who have found a way to incorporate bdsm into their life while still feeling emotionally safe?

Yes. I'm fairly new to bdsm, but reading your post I felt like I had to respond anyway. I was abused by a boyfriend who I dated for a long time.

I am not in a D/s relationship at the moment, but am leaning more and more that way as I incorporate more aspects of bdsm into my sex life. I get so much out of the feelings of trust and protection, and most of all from knowing how to please someone (my abusive partner was quite erratic and I felt so lost not knowing what to do for him, even though he was making me feel this way on purpose). I think that some of the more heavy pain situations would scare me as well, but, as others have said, it is quite subjective.

I still worry sometimes that someone will take advantage of me, but I see my submission as a gift and I continually choose its recipient.

 

[ToysCuriousgirl]

Thanks for your replies.

I don't think the childhood abuse would pose any problems since that was dealt with long ago, but there are some things that I would not feel safe or comfortable doing because of the domestic violence. It's good to know that there's a spectrum and it's fine to just participate in the activities that I'd be comfortable with.

I am still interested in hearing about a D/s relationship from another girl. How do you feel about it? What is the attitude of your partner toward you?

 

[CutieMouse]

I am still interested in hearing about a D/s relationship from another girl. How do you feel about it?

When you ask "how you feel about it" are you asking how one feels about their submission [in general]? How one feels about their position in the relationship? Society? What's the "it" of the question?

What is the attitude of your partner toward you?

When I'm in a relationship [which is rare - long story]... deep abiding Love.

 

[ToysCuriousgirl]

What's the "it" of the question?

I was trying to ask how you feel about your position and treatment when in a D/s relationship but I'm beginning to see that it's probably different depending on the people involved and what they enjoy.

 

[CutieMouse]

I was trying to ask how you feel about your position and treatment when in a D/s relationship but I'm beginning to see that it's probably different depending on the people involved and what they enjoy.

Okay... let me turn the question on you - how does one feel about their position/treatment in any relationship? Because [generally speaking] it feels like that, but "kinky".

 

[RJMasters]

BDSM is a 4 letter acronym that is representative of a broad spectrum of human behaviors, attitudes, desires, and motivations. It can be both representative of the deepest loving relationships and the most casual of aquaintences.

Many are drawn to BDSM because of an experience they have which awakens a self-awareness to a part of themselves which tends to be both frightening and exciting to them. When this happens there is a need for many to understand the "why", for others the why is not so important as the desire to enjoy experiencing more.

I think one of the biggest tragedies that can happen is for new people to come seeking answers as to what BDSM is, and then allow other people to define it for them. What often follows is a person who mistakenly tries to live up to some definition that others have made and then end up very unsatisfied and unfulfilled.

From my perspective, BDSM is about the following things:

Sexuality - Human sexuality is one of the most powerful forces which is capable of shredding the pretense of normality. Beyound the obvious pleasure which sex can bring, it is often only in the throws of unbridal passion that parts of our inner being can be touched and find expression.

Pain - Pain is another powerful force by which many have these inner parts of their being touched. Like sex with its pleasure and unbridal passions, pain often unlocks doors for some and allow deeper needs of their being to be nurished. Sometimes it is a vehicle that ignites and fuels a person's passions. You mentioned pulling of hair and tender nipples and while these are relatively simple examples, inherient to them is a key which unlocks certain parts of your passion. This begs the question, what other keys might this "experiencing of pain" unlock within you? Everyone is different, and discoverying these things and exploring these things is really what defining what BDSM is about.

Power and Submission - are two powerful forces which are often part of BDSM. When this is personalized, we refer to these as being a Dominant or being a Submissive. Like with most relationship, people tend to be only happy when both people can be who they are and the relationship itself provide an atmosphere which allows for the expression of each person. By comparison, vanilla/regular relationship are typically based upon both people sharing equally the power, where as in a D/s or M/s relationship, one consentually yeilds control and power to the other.

Sex, pain, control, submission - these are terms which hold negative conotation in mainstream society, and would not be terms of choice to describe relationships and expression of inner being. Hence BDSM for those who do not understand it, see it with apprehension, fear, and perhaps even disgust. People are afraid of what they don't know or don't understand. It probably would do no good to point out that much of their fear and disgust is really them trying hard not to accept certain things about themselves which they keep hidden and locked away. But for those who are willing to seek out and explore answers to those questions about why they get turned on when they feel dominated or pain, chances are in time, they will come to their own definition of what BDSM is, and for them it will likely be the only definition they will ever need.

It is great to be part of a community that you can identify with and know that you are not alone in the feelings and desires you may have when it comes to sex, pain, control, or submission.

My only two peices of advice are:

- Develop your own definition of BDSM for yourself over time by your own expereinces
- The only measure of success in doing BDSM right, is your own personal happiness and those whom you share it with.

 

[mylaceratedheart]

I'm trying to figure out what bdsm is and if it is something I would be comfortable adding to my life. I probably would not have become interested in bdsm on my own, but the man I'm dating has been into it for a few years, and I really care about him. He gave me the link to this forum when I asked him to recommend a place where I could talk to some other girls to find out more about it.

Can bdsm encompass several different attitudes and lifestyles? My background includes both being sexually abused as a child and surviving domestic violence as an adult, so some of the situations I've read about that others enjoy sound like they would upset me. Yet, even though I've read about some things that frighten me, I have absolutely loved the things he's done to me (like him pulling my hair while kissing me, making my nipples tender so I'll be reminded of his hands on my body when we are apart, helping me to submit to him and telling me I'm a good girl... oh, I wish I were playing with him right now!), so I'm wondering if there are different attitudes or levels of bdsm, and if this might work for me even though he might be disappointed by my limits.

I guess I'm wondering if this is about outside paraphernalia and actions or if it's an internal attitude, and if it's the latter, what that attitude is.

Also, I've dealt with my past of being abused but am wondering if bdsm would be appropriate for someone with my background. Are there any other women here with similar backgrounds who have found a way to incorporate bdsm into their life while still feeling emotionally safe?

I would also like to hear the perspective of what a D/s relationship is from a girl who is involved in one.

Thank you for any information you can share with me!

Hi ToysCuriousGirl

I'm new to the site and haven't even got into any BDSM play yet but I also have serious childhood issues like yours and I have asked myself many times if I'm following some cliched psychological pattern by wanting a dominant man as an adult partner. I have sought and found emotionally damaging, destructive relationships and although it took me a while to figure out what I was doing and why I was doing it, I believe I have broken that cycle now. I have been abused and I have had 2 adult partners who became violent. I also had a wonderful relationship with a lovely vanilla guy that was just not fulfilling on many levels. Most would have called him a perfect gentleman and I don't think even he really understands why we split up. I have come to a few conclusions over the past few months for which I've been resolutely single.

1) I need BDSM in my sex life, to what degree I don't know but it is not something I can live wholly without.

2) I want a dominant guy because I find it really hard to respect passive guys. That's without question a direct throwback too my past but I believe I'm mature and enlightened enough to be able to seek this on my own terms and without inviting or being prepared to endure abusive and damaging behaviour from a partner.

3) Having made bad choices in the past should not mean that I will inevitably make them in the future. It's no good getting older without getting wiser and the fact you're here and asking these questions suggests to me that you have. Sometimes you have to go out and make these crap decisions in order to have the perspective and self awareness never to do it again. It's not enough to be told what you should be doing, a part of you just has to find out the hard way.

And you have, so I think you're speaking now from a position of knowledge, strength and understanding. As places to start from go, those are really good ones. I can't tell you you'll never have another bad experience but if you and your guy are in love and enjoying what you do, that's the battle won. You know you'd never take the shit you did in the past and I'll bet so does he. BDSM is not an unhealthy sexual impulse, it just requires a degree of trust and respect that are often hard to find. If you have that, more power to you.

Try not to overthink things too much, I am so guilty of this myself I don't know how I dare to give this advice.

If you'd like to chat further in PM then please do. I've also spotted a very good thread called How do you help someone get over being abused?

 

[ToysCuriousgirl]

Thanks

Thank you all for your replies. Thinking about them has helped me decide how I feel, and what I have decided is that this is something I want to try with the man I've been dating.

Thanks,
Toy's curious girl