Entering a poly relationship

[caged_doll]

Hello,

This isn't my usual haunt, but I'd like to pose a question to you all.

I'm active on fetlife and in my local BDSM community. When I was just getting back into the lifestyle after a pretty long hiatus I had put up something on collarme, just looking for friends, potentially a mentor. I had a Dominant respond to me who is involved in a relationship and found out they both had written me on fetlife earlier on I just hadn't noticed I had any mail...I'm better about that now. This wasn't like a "Join our family!" kind of thing, especially when I had listed polyamory as one of my hard limits on collarme. It's not so much a hard limit, but I think many people have a different concept of it and at the very least listing it there brings it up for discussion.

Anywho, we met up at a munch. Last week I went over to their home and had a nice dinner. They are truly wonderful people and I enjoy their company regardless of anything else that may come about. But I find myself developing feelings toward the Dominant. I want to submit to him. I've known him since mid-November so it's not like this is all very new. It's just coordinating the real life meets was difficult around the holidays.

Last night I saw him again at a munch and play party. I had my hands tied by another Dominant there who used me as a demo to teach my friend how to tie my hands together. The rope was beautiful and I was in a very nice little place. In fact I spent most of my evening in the rope but I am getting off track. He came down and sat by me and I whispered that I liked him. I didn't know how to say it and I'm sure that is very second grade like, but that is what I did.

I need to know how to address this with them. I want this to be completely on the up and up, no secrets, completely open and honest. That is how they want their poly relationship to be (when they talk in abstract) and that is how I would want it to be too because I respect and care for both of them very deeply. So I guess I'm curious what I do now. Do I speak to just her? Do we discuss it all together? I don't want anyone to get hurt, and that is why I am very paranoid about this. Any thoughts and comments are most welcome.

-doll

 

[myinnerslut]

not wanting to get hurt in a relationship is normal. not knowing you or the other two i am reluctant to give you direct advice as it may or may not be the right thing for your situation, but i can tell you how i ended up in my poly relationship. maybe it will help.

like you, i am the person entering the established relationship. i began talking to master online over a year ago. even though neither of us were looking for a relationship, i was actually in another relationship at the time, we both fell for each other hard. as we didnt have the benifit of knowing each other in real life, we used the internet to get as much communication as possible. there was a very brief stint of online relationship, with the full knowledge of my ex.

by this point i was talking to viv (Master's wife and other slave) online as well. the focus of the relationship was very clearly on him, but that doesnt mean i ignored viv. we developed a tentative friendship. i assured her that i was not trying to take her place.

the online stint ended after major problems with my ex. Master took the lead here and drove nine hours to see me, as i was at a point in my life where i had to choose between him or my ex. we spent a few days together without any sex or kissing. he said goodbye, and turned to leave. i realized i couldnt be without him, and broke things with my ex. he turned around and came back to new york becuase i was upset by the breakup. he didnt come looking for anything to happen that weekend, but like the very beginning of our relationship, we got what we neeeded, not what we were looking for. that was over nine months ago.

the reason im saying this is threefold. the first is so you see that this was a built up decision, not a sudden one. viv knew about it every step of the way. also so you see that in my case, the reason for entering the poly relationship was the relationship with Master. at the least he wanted viv and i to become friends. we have done that and become lovers as well, but he does not expect her an i to have the same relationship as me and him or her and him.

we did start a thread about he time we started our relationship.. lemme see if i can find it, it might be useful to you.....

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=587029&highlight=poly+crazy+whirlwind

there is also a polyamory thread that was active a while back. here you are...

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=561580&highlight=polyamory

 

[Etoile]

My usual advice about poly is that it's the hardest thing you'll do in your life, and it's the most rewarding thing you'll do in your life.

 

[Homburg]

The two above posts cover it pretty well. The big suggestion I will add is to look specifically for posts made by unpredictablebijou in the Polyamory thread. She made one in particular that should be on or near the last page that is just pure gold. There are a good number of poly folks on these boards, and you can pick up some remarkable insights from reading their posts.

 

[Netzach]

You like him.

You want to submit to him

I don't really hear much about her. This isn't a poly set up it's an open set up. There's nothing wrong with that if it's how they usually both roll.
That's how M and I are. I don't need to be there every time he's with his bf nor he when I'm with mine. And that's copacetic. I like when he's not here because I love when he comes back.

If it's not something they're steeped in or used to, I would expect a LOT of drama.

You need to be talking to her more, IMO. Finding out if she's really into it, ok with it, just saying so to keep him or what. For the purely selfish reason of do you want a freaking twelve ton helping of drama or not?

 

[catalina_francisco]

Have to say I'm with Netzach...find out the facts first and be sure of what you are getting into. Poly can be wonderful. but it is also true a lot of people who are living it and who promote it are not always telling the full story from all points of view, and also many do not have the longevity of a relationship such as Netzachs to speak with long term experience and surity of what is and isn't going to possibly go well and not so well. Moving beyond fantasy and desire can be a very different reality.

Catalina

 

[Etoile]

he big suggestion I will add is to look specifically for posts made by unpredictablebijou in the Polyamory thread. She made one in particular that should be on or near the last page that is just pure gold.

I'd love it if you posted that to the latest BDSM Calendar, if we have one for 2009 yet...

 

[Homburg]

I'd love it if you posted that to the latest BDSM Calendar, if we have one for 2009 yet...

I don't think there is one just yet.

 

[Marquis]

Is this going to be one of those threads where we never hear from the OP again?

 

[caged_doll]

No, I'm here.

Much has changed since my initial post. I'm still trying to process it all.

I told them both how I felt. Him in an embarrassingly open email. Her in a few lengthy IM sessions. I am going over to dinner at their house on Friday to get into this more. It's out there. At least in a "Hey I want to play with you" kind of way.

I am into him, yes. I am good friends with her. I can't say I have fantasized about being with her whereas I have for him. She is going to be part of everything, though, I think, and that is fine. I want her to be. She's a beautiful person and I can learn much from her. She is really into it, having been a part of a poly relationship before and appreciating and desiring the way she was loved in that relationship, and the way she could love. He is the one that is new to being in this, as am I, and so that is why I think she is going to take the lead in this.

It's still very different and strange to me. It is forcing me to be unselfish. On the other hand this kind of relationship has the potential to be so beautiful and fulfilling if we all work together. Adding to that too I have never been intimate with a woman so that is another thing I'm working through.

Thank you everyone for your comments. They were very helpful. I appreciate them very much.