Odd little expermiment

[Darkniciad]

I had this idea in my head a while back, and dropped everything to write it because it wouldn't leave me alone.

There's not much plot here, the story is mainly a vehicle for the story device. It's essentially stroke with a lead-up, but I've tried to hide a bit of subtle emotion in the background.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=401973

Seen this device used before in a story? Anywhere else? Something tells me that I've seen it before, but I can't place it. It seemed so obvious to me that I'm rather surprised I can't find another example.

I had high hopes for some unique feedback from this one, but it just didn't happen. What do you think?

 

[Guest]

I had this idea in my head a while back, and dropped everything to write it because it wouldn't leave me alone.

There's not much plot here, the story is mainly a vehicle for the story device. It's essentially stroke with a lead-up, but I've tried to hide a bit of subtle emotion in the background.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=401973

Seen this device used before in a story? Anywhere else? Something tells me that I've seen it before, but I can't place it. It seemed so obvious to me that I'm rather surprised I can't find another example.

I had high hopes for some unique feedback from this one, but it just didn't happen. What do you think?

I've seen a similar device used before (a very long time ago, so I can't give a specific example), but not in erotica; interesting application.

The characterization and build-up work well; as always, the writing is excellent. But, as you've pointed out, it's essentially a stroke story; I'm impressed that the comments you've gotten so far have focused on the tone, flow and device. A tribute to your skill.

An aside--I think I'm developing a pet peeve, so take this with a grain of salt, but I found the shift from single POV to double POV jarring. There's not a structural element in the story that lets the reader know when this will happen; it comes out of the blue with She licked him with a broad stroke of her tongue from root to tip, a long journey that summoned up a fresh ache of need deep inside her.

One thing I wonder--is Marie's character tied in strongly enough to the predatory nature of the cougar? It's implicit throughout the story, but since you're using Dave's POV for the first half or so, it might help to reinforce the tie a bit more obviously for the reader. Perhaps something at the end--a glint in the eyes, a feral smile as she looks down at the conquered, sleeping Dave--that would put a firmer coda to the story. As it is, she's looking with something approaching affection; not what a cougar would do with a victim. Just a thought.

 

[gauchecritic]

I think it would have worked better if the guy had been depicted as the prey too because the way it's set means POV jumping. No, I don't mean POV jumping I mean something else entirely that I have no word for.

It does get used, but not often and not to that extent. More often as a simile or metaphor.

I can only remember using it once and getting a feedback that they didn't understand.

Actually I may have used it more than once but only as a one shot thing, not running throughout.

I'm not sure whether yours enhances the story though it's interesting enough as an experiment.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I had this idea in my head a while back, and dropped everything to write it because it wouldn't leave me alone.

There's not much plot here, the story is mainly a vehicle for the story device. It's essentially stroke with a lead-up, but I've tried to hide a bit of subtle emotion in the background.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=401973

Seen this device used before in a story? Anywhere else? Something tells me that I've seen it before, but I can't place it. It seemed so obvious to me that I'm rather surprised I can't find another example.

I had high hopes for some unique feedback from this one, but it just didn't happen. What do you think?

There is something so familiar here but, like Gnome, I can't place it. Thought of Candide (see I compare you with Voltaire) but that's not it. The cougar hunt is pure Disney wild life and the bar seduction is cheapo stroke erotica. For me, the contrast works superbly seeing Dave as the isolated wildebeeste.

I also think, in general, that POV needs careful handling in third person, but here - with the balance between the cougar POV to start then the prey POV in the story - that the switch to Marie's POV took away a bit of tension in the contrast. Isn't your real leitmotif the psychology between the hunter and the prey.

However ggood Lit is, in the end it is an erotic story site. Like in the NYT bestseller list (dream on Elle) you play to the audience. Not meaning to be rude, but I would guess a lot of readers don't fully appreciate the nuances of the story device. It is a magician's cape that turns an otherwise mundane stroke story into an erotic delight.

 

[Darkniciad]

I was hoping that the Discovery Channel bits might carry through as a warped prism of her POV to keep the deeper look directly into her head at the end from jarring too much. Didn't quite pull it off, I guess

I couldn't find a way to get everything I needed from in her head at the end within the documentary commentary, or I would have certainly went that way.

Now that I've taken a bit to look at it, I think I should have given the cougar an injury that made her hunting more difficult. That's the whole reason for getting deeper into her head at the end. I wanted to show that she's damaged. I probably could have eliminated the direct POV shift if I'd put that injury in there.

A lesson in giving things time to simmer, no matter how much they are nagging at you *laugh*

I'm a little opposite of a lot of people, it seems. To me, a scene separator between quick POV shifts is more jarring than just making the switch and locking down the new POV hard in the first few words after the switch.

The overall goal was to take a pure stroke story, one small step up from "Is there any other way I can pay for this pizza?", and carefully layer in just enough depth to make it interesting for someone who had both hands available while reading -- without pulling those who were pulling out of the action.

That, and to write something short -- always a difficult task for me. I think that the only time I really succeeded in that was with Grandfather Yule, and it doesn't have more than a tiny bit of sexual suggestion in it.

Thanks for the thoughts, everyone, and feel free to keep them coming

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Sorry, Dark, I think you're beating yourself up to much. The cougar prowls, scents her prey and moves in for the kill - it's a one-off (the poor beast will be dead after all). The thing you don't give is how Dave is 'killed'. Does his wife phone him?

To be a bit rude, excuse me, you get the whole story device perfectly balanced and then lose a bit of hunter/prey in the ending. Surely, if the cougar is consuming her prey, Dave's marrige must be crumbling. Where's the last call from her to mirror the opening and bring an end to the hunt?

 

[Darkniciad]

Sorry, Dark, I think you're beating yourself up to much. The cougar prowls, scents her prey and moves in for the kill - it's a one-off (the poor beast will be dead after all). The thing you don't give is how Dave is 'killed'. Does his wife phone him?

To be a bit rude, excuse me, you get the whole story device perfectly balanced and then lose a bit of hunter/prey in the ending. Surely, if the cougar is consuming her prey, Dave's marrige must be crumbling. Where's the last call from her to mirror the opening and bring an end to the hunt?

Ach... damn -- very good point. I was concentrating so much on getting across how she's damaged and keeping the story short that I didn't show the lawyer vultures descending on what's left of his corpse.

All I needed was a look at his cell when it woke him up, showing his home number and a time like 5 a.m. that simply cannot be explained away.

 

[serpentmoon]

I don't know if this will make sense, but I felt there should be less 'emotion' in the cougar narrative, so it is just described becaue the reporter is not in the cougar's head and more shown from through the woman, like with the lipstick sort of thing.

Ignore if this sounds daft

 

[Darkniciad]

I don't know if this will make sense, but I felt there should be less 'emotion' in the cougar narrative, so it is just described becaue the reporter is not in the cougar's head and more shown from through the woman, like with the lipstick sort of thing.

Ignore if this sounds daft

Nah, I get where you're coming from

I was aiming for a specific type of documentary commentary where the presenter is projecting emotions onto the animals. It's become fairly common of late, as opposed to the old Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom style. Things like "Planet Earth" and "March of the Penguins" use this sort of commentary.

I grew up on Wild Kingdom and Couesteu, so the new rage is a little odd to me, too. It's always been around, I suppose, but it seems like this influence is a lot stronger in recent years.

I felt it was a better approach for this story, though. It should have let me stick to a single POV, except ( as noted above ) I screwed up in a couple of places and had to switch at the end to get across what I wanted to say.

 

[gauchecritic]

I have no idea if it'll be any help but in my story Hunting Dawn I went the whole hog and described two naked women as animals, hunter and prey (hence the title) and from the feedback it was roundly applauded as a whole and of that particular part. (despite a score of 3.47 and my favourite PC ever; "it suck"

Just thought I'd mention it as your last post about documentary brought it to mind.

 

[Darkniciad]

I have no idea if it'll be any help but in my story Hunting Dawn I went the whole hog and described two naked women as animals, hunter and prey (hence the title) and from the feedback it was roundly applauded as a whole and of that particular part. (despite a score of 3.47 and my favourite PC ever; "it suck"

Just thought I'd mention it as your last post about documentary brought it to mind.

*laugh* The very first vote on this ( it went up earlier at another site ) was 1 of 10, followed by an anonymous email of "dum stori" That was the entire text of the email.

Five minutes later, one of the reviewers wrote a glowing review about it, so it sort of balanced out.

I'm half tempted to re-write this one. I've never done that before, but there are a couple of little tweaks suggested in the thread that would really tie the story up and correct the flaws. I've edited, but this would be as close to changing the content of the story as I've ever done. It would have an entirely different ending.

I'll give yours a read when I get done catching up with some neglected responses to comments.