New writer looking for feedback.

[Lien_Geller]

Howdie! I'm not just a new writer on Literotica but i'm a new writer full stop. I want to try to be doing it for a living in some form or other by the time i'm 40. Anyway one of my main problems with writing anything is that I have a lot of trouble keeping my head in the story i'm writing for very long. I don't think this is because my idea's are bad but rather because I tend to think up another idea and then want to do that instead so I end up with the first couple of pages for about twenty or so different stories.

This is my first attempt at both writing a story and sticking with it and writing for an audience. I'm very pleased with and grateful for the responses i've gotten so far and the encouragement has led me to go on and write more chapters. If you've already commented or given feedback on Aphrodisia and now find yourself coming across this post then thankyou! I really can't overstate how important the comments and feedback to it has been in actually getting me to stick with it. What's more it makes writing the next chapters more enjoyable knowing that other people will enjoy the work i'm putting into it.

The reason i'm posting up this request for feedback is because although the response i've gotten to the story so far has been extremely positive the responses themselves have been quite breif. Now if you read Aphrodisia and just want to say 'Good job!' then that's great and as i've said it'll probably get me writing the next chapter a little faster. Not to mention brighten my day. However one of the main reasons i'm writing this story is to get people's opinions on my style and what they like and dislike about what i'm writing. As I said i'm painfully new at this so constructive criticism is something I really value. So i'm putting out this post in the hope that you lot will help me out.

If you find yourself enjoying Aphrodisia and want to ask me any questions about it then feel free! I'd love to hear from you.

Oh and for those of you thinking 'Ok just shut up and tell me what the story is about' it's a mind control story with a great deal of fantasy and sex interwoven into it. If that sounds like something you'd enjoy then click the link below! Chapter's 2 and 3 are already on Literotica with chapter 4 about a third to halfway finished. Hope to hear from you soon!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=395936

Lien Geller

 

[hotMarie]

going to read it now

I'll let you you

 

[shenellebabe]

Not bad for being a new writer but I noticed several areas of improvement.

First you can improve on paragraph and sentence structure. Some can be reworded differently and I also noticed some grammar and punctuation errors.

I only read the first page due to time restraints, I'll read more later and give more feedback.

 

[Lien_Geller]

Thanks for the reply! I know I suffer from a few mistakes with grammar but so far that's largley been due to over-enthusiasm. I really should take up the services of an editor but I think i'll just get the whole story up on the site first. Then I can get people telling me where /I/ suck rather than dragging anyone else down with me.

Hope to hear more from you!

Lien

 

[JohnBous]

Hi and welcome to the world of writing.

I'd like to say firstly that I loved the idea behind the story, and I was particularly impressed by the pacing and the characters. You've got a lovely turn of phrase and there's no doubt that you can write well.

I have to agree with a few of the other comments and feedback about the grammar and spelling shortcomings, but I won't dwell on that side of things since you're clearly aware of the problem.

However, in the interests of providing constructive criticism I would say that you're suffering from a little over-enthusiasm, and have a tendancy to use too many words to describe your characters' emotions and thoughts. It's a common enough problem with new writers, although interestingly, it only seems to manifest in writers who have genuine talent and potential.

Your handling of dialogue also needs work. Too many times you have one character say something to another and before the reply is made, there is a long section of narrative describing the first character's thoughts. By the time the response comes from the second character, I found, on occasion, that I had more or less forgotten what the character was responding to.

A good editor would be able to help you with these two areas of your writing and there are any number of writing skills books available that you might find both interesting and informative (e.g. Stephen King's On Writing).

Having made those hopefully helpful criticisms, I have to reiterate that you've got a great style and an even better eye for characters and story. I'm off to read the next chapter.

Happy writing,

John

 

[Lien_Geller]

Thanks for the feedback John! I really appreciate it. I'll just discuss out some explinations and a few troubles I have that you've noticed. If you feel like posting back then i'd be happy to hear from you again!

Firstly thanks for saying what you liked about the story. I like to build on my strengths and I'm happy to hear that pacing and characterisation are some of my strong points. When reading books myself characterisation is something I find extremely important so it's great to know I haven't botched it myself. Likewise good pacing is always important really isn't it? I mean without it stories tend to be quite dissilusioning. It's also something that I hear many budding writers get wrong so i'm glad to hear i'm getting it right!

Now that the praise is done with onto the criticism...

FUCK YOU!

I'm kidding, i'm kidding! The points you've flared up are mostly ones i'm aware of. Personally I don't think I would normally publish a story that anyone might pay for without editing it and proofreading it for at least a month /before/ sending it to an editor. Yet in my excitment to show off what I can do i've laxed somewhat in that area. As i've said when i've finished the opening part of Aphrodisia then i'll certainly go back through it and make improvements. For right now though as i've said I do have difficulty concentrating for very long on actually sticking with a story and spending hours re-editing and re-checking the things i've already wrote is, well, painful. So i'm just churning out what you might call secondary to tertiary drafts at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I don't post something if I don't think it's good stuff but I know it's not to the standard that I would hold it to if I was actually going to buy it and not read it for free online. Even if I was buying it for a pound.

I do admit though that I am having certain problems with dialogue. I find it a little difficult to keep up a good conversation without plastering 'He said' or 'She said' after every line. Then if I ignore that completely the reader has no idea what kind of tone i'm trying to get across in the characters speech. Plus i'm trying to introduce the characters here too so i'm trying to get the reader used to the way they speak before 'letting them off the leash' if you know what I mean. I want the reader to know about Sonya's wicked sense of humour in bed and not just to type it up with the he said she said stamp since it comes out more like straight up porno dialogue. Still thanks for letting me know i'm going overboard and any suggestions for improvement in this area would be appreciated!

Finally I actually have Stephen King's 'On Writing'. Bought it ages ago but only got halfway through it. Actually I forgot I had it so thanks for reminding me! I love King's stuff so hopefully reading the book will give me some help from the master himself

Anyway thanks very much for the feedback even if you don't feel any further posts on here are necessary. Loved hearing from you and hope you'll let me know what you think about chapters 2 and 3.

Lien Geller

 

[_Lynn_]

Thanks for the reply! I know I suffer from a few mistakes with grammar but so far that's largley been due to over-enthusiasm. I really should take up the services of an editor but I think i'll just get the whole story up on the site first. Then I can get people telling me where /I/ suck rather than dragging anyone else down with me.

Hope to hear more from you!

Lien

Consider using an editor before you post all the chapters. Instead of getting the 'you suck' comments as you mention here, their suggestions and corrections could turn that into 'you're good'. You don't really want to fight your way back from a reputation as a 'bad' writer later.



Just my opinion. I didn't have time to read your work, so it's just a thought based on your post.

 

[Lien_Geller]

Well all the comments and feedback i've gotten so far have been really complimentary. The chapters of Aphrodisia i've posted are all currently rated at 4.50 or more with chapter 2 being the 4th highest on the top list of Mind Control stories when I last checked.

When I said that i'd rather not drag anyone down with me I meant that because i'm new at this i'd like people to see my writing without editing at least for a while to get their honest opinions on my raw style. If people continue to enjoy Aphrodisia and whatever else I might put online then i'll get an editor to look it over properly.

Also the reason i'm posting this thread up is because I'm interested in seeing what other writers think and what advice they might give me. I mean i'm not particularly bothered about negative feedback at the moment because I haven't actually gotten any. Not that i'm baiting the flamers of course.

.

..

...

Flamers suck!

Oops! Well anyway thanks for posting Lynn. I hope you'll read the story if you get the time and tell me what you think in more detail.

Lien Geller.

 

[_Lynn_]

Well all the comments and feedback i've gotten so far have been really complimentary. The chapters of Aphrodisia i've posted are all currently rated at 4.50 or more with chapter 2 being the 4th highest on the top list of Mind Control stories when I last checked.

When I said that i'd rather not drag anyone down with me I meant that because i'm new at this i'd like people to see my writing without editing at least for a while to get their honest opinions on my raw style. If people continue to enjoy Aphrodisia and whatever else I might put online then i'll get an editor to look it over properly.

Also the reason i'm posting this thread up is because I'm interested in seeing what other writers think and what advice they might give me. I mean i'm not particularly bothered about negative feedback at the moment because I haven't actually gotten any. Not that i'm baiting the flamers of course.

.

..

...

Flamers suck!

Oops! Well anyway thanks for posting Lynn. I hope you'll read the story if you get the time and tell me what you think in more detail.

Lien Geller.

Put a link in your sig to it. I know it's in the top post, but some of us are lazy here.

 

[Lien_Geller]

LOL Going to the trouble of posting a reply about how difficult it is to scroll up?

You are my kind of lazy!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=395936 < There it is again since I don't really know how to do what you said

 

[_Lynn_]

LOL Going to the trouble of posting a reply about how difficult it is to scroll up?

You are my kind of lazy!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=395936 < There it is again since I don't really know how to do what you said

It's obvious you don't know me if you equate me with lazy.

I was already on your story page when I posted that, by the way.

 

[JohnBous]

I do admit though that I am having certain problems with dialogue. I find it a little difficult to keep up a good conversation without plastering 'He said' or 'She said' after every line. Then if I ignore that completely the reader has no idea what kind of tone i'm trying to get across in the characters speech. Plus i'm trying to introduce the characters here too so i'm trying to get the reader used to the way they speak before 'letting them off the leash' if you know what I mean. I want the reader to know about Sonya's wicked sense of humour in bed and not just to type it up with the he said she said stamp since it comes out more like straight up porno dialogue. Still thanks for letting me know i'm going overboard and any suggestions for improvement in this area would be appreciated!

Well now....

Dialogue is the most difficult part of a story for a lot of writers, and the problem is amplified in the 'short' genre. In a longer work we have more time to develop the characters in the reader's mind and we do not need to be too descriptive of their dialogue after a while, but in a short we don't have that luxury. However, there are some useful ways of conveying the characters' states of mind when speaking that do not amount to a short session in the psychiatrist's chair after each comment.

In normal, everyday, face-to-face situations, up to 80% of communication is non-verbal, and it is worth bearing that in mind when approaching dialogue.

"Is that so?" Stephie raised an eyebrow, a smile playing around her lips.

In the above example I might be trying to convey that my character doesn't quite believe whatever it is that I've told her, or she might be teasing me in some way. Just as in a real life situation, I'm unsure - particularly because I don't 'know' the character yet. This would be fine in a longer piece, but could detract from the flow in a short. However, if the 'other' character responds:

"Yes it is, as well you know," I sighed.

... then the question in the reader's mind is answered - plus there's a big hint as to the nature of the relationship between the characters.

Another tactic is to ensure that the reader can readily identify a character by some sort of conversational tic. Perhaps a short phrase that they bring in to most of their comments, or a particular pronunciation.

"Oh, he's a total cutie. And those eyes are like to die for..." (The 'oh' and 'like' as identifiers)

or

"I never 'ad me a girl like 'er before..." (pronunciation - although this should be implicit after a while or the reader will get tired of the translation exercise).


Anyway - I 'ope... I mean hope this helps. Dialogue can be fun but it can be a real bitch as well - the topic is a monster and I could write for hours about it. Let me know if you want some more detailed guidance - although I have a feeling from the latter chapters that you'll get there on your own.

Have fun with the writing - you've got real style and a lovely way with words.

John

 

[Lien_Geller]

Thanks for the responses Lynn and John! I'm picking up the pace with the fourth chapter now and will hopefully have it published sometime next week. Hopefully you'll see some of your tips being implemented and smile knowing that you taught someone a thing or two!

Lien Geller