What do you think?

[londongirl100]

Hi Folk's.

I have read your forum and see how friendly you guys are, hence being on Lit for a while, i have finally decided to ask a question...i hope this is ok I kind of look at some of you as experts in the BDSM community and i really could do with some advice.

Some background: I have been married to a wonderful man for 3 years, I moved to the USA to be with him from the UK. We are very happy, he is very open to anything i want to do or achieve in my life. I have hinted that i have submissive feelings to him and he has said,he would be happy to learn about this subject for me. (sorry if it sounds clinical, i am not to good at posting). he is naturally very dominant. Now the question!

Sometimes i feel like i could be submissive, sometimes i crave this, as my life seems to much for me sometimes, is this just a "get out of life clause" ?...

Then when the poor guy does what i ask and is dominant, i rebel (even
through this is what i want) as i listen to friends and read information on the internet and think "i can not do this" Is he taking me for granted? (fucked up i know)

In other words, i want to be submissive, but how can i keep being submissive and not fight him on this, even through this is what i want? Goodness that was hard to write.

I probably sound like i am talking nonsense.

Thank you for reading.

 

[daddiespet]

Hi Folk's.

I have read your forum and see how friendly you guys are, hence being on Lit for a while, i have finally decided to ask a question...i hope this is ok I kind of look at some of you as experts in the BDSM community and i really could do with some advice.

Some background: I have been married to a wonderful man for 3 years, I moved to the USA to be with him from the UK. We are very happy, he is very open to anything i want to do or achieve in my life. I have hinted that i have submissive feelings to him and he has said,he would be happy to learn about this subject for me. (sorry if it sounds clinical, i am not to good at posting). he is naturally very dominant. Now the question!

Sometimes i feel like i could be submissive, sometimes i crave this, as my life seems to much for me sometimes, is this just a "get out of life clause" ?...

Then when the poor guy does what i ask and is dominant, i rebel (even
through this is what i want) as i listen to friends and read information on the internet and think "i can not do this" Is he taking me for granted? (fucked up i know)

In other words, i want to be submissive, but how can i keep being submissive and not fight him on this, even through this is what i want? Goodness that was hard to write.

I probably sound like i am talking nonsense.

Thank you for reading.

I think you're a submissive and you are just being bratty. If you are asking him to be more Dom it could be that having to ask him makes you doubt his power / control. Brattiness is easily fixed...with a good hard punishment. Even i am bratty at times....its a part of life as a sub
Good Luck with your Dom
Daddies pet

 

[ecstaticsub]

Hi Folk's.

I have read your forum and see how friendly you guys are, hence being on Lit for a while, i have finally decided to ask a question...i hope this is ok I kind of look at some of you as experts in the BDSM community and i really could do with some advice.

Some background: I have been married to a wonderful man for 3 years, I moved to the USA to be with him from the UK. We are very happy, he is very open to anything i want to do or achieve in my life. I have hinted that i have submissive feelings to him and he has said,he would be happy to learn about this subject for me. (sorry if it sounds clinical, i am not to good at posting). he is naturally very dominant. Now the question!

Sometimes i feel like i could be submissive, sometimes i crave this, as my life seems to much for me sometimes, is this just a "get out of life clause" ?...

Then when the poor guy does what i ask and is dominant, i rebel (even
through this is what i want) as i listen to friends and read information on the internet and think "i can not do this" Is he taking me for granted? (fucked up i know)

In other words, i want to be submissive, but how can i keep being submissive and not fight him on this, even through this is what i want? Goodness that was hard to write.

I probably sound like i am talking nonsense.

Thank you for reading.

My advice would be to be patient, with yourself and your husband. For me I had to learn how to be a submissive. I had the naughty fantasies and inner desire to be owned but yet a very dominant outer self that is still who I am most of the time.

To be very honest....when I first become my PYL's submissive I didn't really realize fully what I was getting myself into. I was in a vanilla marriage with some kinkyness but not naturally submissive for the most part. To make a long story short I thought of my time with him as a break from the responsibilities of "real" life. I could give up control and let someone else make the decisions. What I didn't understand then (about 4 years ago) was that by becoming his submissive I was giving up some responsibilities but taking on a whole lot more. Our first year was quite a learning year for myself (and him also, to a certain extent) I rebelled more than a few times, was in tears more than a few times, but I discovered something about myself that I never really understood. Fortunately, my Dominant has always been firm yet patient in helping me along the way.

I personally think that your rebellion is natural for someone who is just starting to understand who she is and what she wants.

 

[Albee]

Wait! You're my wife! Why are you calling yourself "londongirl?"

Seriously, my wife and I go through a similar scenario over and over. I think it's par for the course for some couples.

The vacillation does drive me nuts. But I get the sense that committing to be a sub in the real world can be a lot more difficult than it appears in my head.

Still, if you want to submit, why rebel? If you want to be a rebel, why be a sub? My suggestion is to figure out what gratifies you and then go after it without qualification.

Unless you're young, in your early twenties or younger. Then hesitate before you pigeon hole yourself.

 

[Betticus]

It could just be a bit of mental rebellion or perhaps a patterned response due to something from your past or upbringing.

I'd suggest to set up scenes in which you will go through different aspects of submission. Kneeling or massage, something simple to start. Then when you are comfortable with this type of thing move on to more in depth scenes as with bondage and/or light s&m. It will also let him move into the more dominant role and grow in it with you. It may be important for you to overcome certain stigmas by him actually making or forcing you in some of the scenes. Not so much physically but via giving you orders.

 

[ataxia.girl]

It sounds like you just don't trust him in the Dom role yet and that is OKAY. You may just need to have a very frank discussion with him and let him know you really really want to try this as the desires are very intense but you are basically really scared and conflicted and you need him to take the lead in basically every way.

This worked for me and mine. My husband is not my Daddy but i am submissive to him. It's really hard to insert D/s into an existing vanilla relationship. We struggled for quite awhile as i went through my little sub frenzy wanting this or that. It was when he finally just got fed up and said nope, i'm not going to try and keep up with you any longer we are just gonna do it MY on MY timetable that everything fell into place. We scene very rarely now but when we do its HIS idea and i love it. He has always been a good top but i am the type of sub that just cannot accept him topping me for me so now, even though he sort of is the fact that he controls the whole thing makes it okay. He is dominate enough to just do what i need and basically won't listen to my excuses.

It takes a lot of trust but if you trust him to go slow and feel that he knows you well enough to do what is best for you MY personal experience is its better to just hand control over to them. If you can't do what he says the first few scenes he may have to "encourage" you. i assume he is stronger that you are. Some simple forced sex might help get things going in the right direction as it is a very organic way to establish dominance over someone versus asking them to automatically submit. We experimented with a lot of forced sex in the beginning, it helped a lot... especially forced bj's.

i automatically do anything he asks in the bedroom now almost immediately. It feels very natural. i am also more submissive outside the bedroom as well but still a thinking\questioning\counseling partner.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Or, you could just be like me, and be pushing the boundaries, testing, seeing what you can get away with.

I do that all the time. And mostly, I don't mean to, but part of me makes me want to push and push until I get squashed back into place.

And that squashing makes me realise both my place, and that he cares enough to put me there.

It's a trust thing. It's one thing to trust your partner in their role, and still another to trust yourself.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I agree with ataxia.girl, no matter how well you know your guy, it's a very difficult thing to put trust in a novice dominant. It seems to me that neither of you really know where you're going with this, which will only add to your apprehension. I think that 2 simple little things could help you quite a lot here.

1) Google for a BDSM checklist, the majority are aimed at maledom/femsub couples anyway. It may be embarrassing to sit and fill them out but at least then you both have a list of dos and don'ts to work with. You can identify things you'd really like to try and also things that you feel you'd never be interested in (what we call 'hard limits' here) and even though most of it may not apply to you right now, it's a good starting point. It's also handy for renegotiating boundaries with at a later date because people's desires and tastes can change over time.

2) Agree a safeword. This is a word that is unrelated to sex like 'red' or 'marshmallow' that you can say to halt everything if it gets too much. It allows you to retain enough control to stop things if you really don't like what's happening and it also allows you to 'say yes and mean no' without your guy getting confused about what you're actually consenting to and enjoying.

It was brave of you to post here and I'm glad you have. You need equal bravery in discussing things with your partner if you're going to get into BDSM. As a novice dominant he really needs clear signals from you or he'll find it very hard to build a clear picture of what you like and what you can handle. It may be scary for you to submit and yield control but I'll bet it's equally scary for him knowing that he has the power to really hurt you - whether physically or mentally/emotionally - if he misjudges something or makes a mistake.

Keep in mind that furnishing your partner with information is not the same thing as undermining his dominance or seeking to control things through manipulation. Make sure your guy knows exactly how you're responding to things. What he chooses to do with that info is still his prerogative.

Good luck

ETA: Ahem... could be that I meant to write 'say no and mean yes.' Pesky festive drinkies.

 

[londongirl100]

I knew it would be a good idea to post here!! Thank you so much for your extremely valuable advice. I will take this and think long and hard about what i need.

You guys rock!!!

Thank you again.

 

[CutieMouse]

Sometimes i feel like i could be submissive, sometimes i crave this, as my life seems to much for me sometimes, is this just a "get out of life clause" ?...

Then when the poor guy does what i ask and is dominant, i rebel (even
through this is what i want) as i listen to friends and read information on the internet and think "i can not do this" Is he taking me for granted? (fucked up i know)

In other words, i want to be submissive, but how can i keep being submissive and not fight him on this, even through this is what i want? Goodness that was hard to write.

(warning - high question content)


Being a submissive isn't a "get out of life" clause... except maybe in pornography.

*chuckle*

As you have discovered, submitting to another (especially in modern society) can be somewhat challenging. You mention fighting him when he responds to your desire to be submissive...

Are y'all on the same page?

Do you view D/s similarly?

Where are you [each] getting your view of what D/s "is"? (ie: if one of you think it's hot bondage-y sex, and the other thinks it's hot domestic service - grumpiness will ensue. )

Is it safe to presume the "listen to friends" part of "I cannot do this" might be a bit of peer pressure to not submit to your husband?

As for the "reading information on the internet" - it isn't a contest; there is no such thing as One True Way. [echo... echo... echo] The 'net is only as excellent a resource as you let it be. IOW - initially, it might be easier to only bother with things that fit your model of D/s (understanding your model may shift, evolve, and change over the years).

Is he taking you for granted? No clue. Sometimes submission requires a different... definition of being taken for granted. The trick is redefining the term to fit your dynamic without being a doormat.

In summary - you stop fighting him on this when you decide to stop fighting him on this. I'm a research junkie, so I tend to recommend both parties educate themselves - there are a gazillion [non-porn] books on the subject from Dom/Top position, as well as submissive/slave... Talking things out/checklists/starting small are generally good ideas, too.




[Oh, and in case you were lower casing the "i" as some sort of protocol thing, we don't really mess with the whole W/we sorts of things around here. ]

 

[Sir_Winston54]

While just about all the prior responses here hit at least some part of the mark, my suggestion would be to pay most attention to the information/suggestions posted by (in posting order, not necessarily order of importance/relevance): ecstaticsub, Betticus, ataxia.girl, VelvetDarkness, and CutieMouse; and read, read, read threads here and in the BDSM Library; ask questions when you hit spots that may confuse you, or reach "plateaus," and feel like you're not getting anywhere or are "regressing" toward vanilla-ship; and most importantly,

communicate
CoMmUnIcAtE
COMMUNICATE!

with your partner, about everything.

Remember, too, that this is not a race. You "sound" relatively young (to me, at least... but then I'm an *old* fart, both in years and in the BDSM culture), and you have lots of time for you and hubby to figure out what works for you. I would suggest starting "small" - maybe a bare-handed spanking as a prelude to hot and sweaties, or little services from you at his "request," or his setting small tasks for you to accomplish, with rewards and consequences pre-set for either success or failure - and working up to the goal(s) (both of) you want to reach. Don't expect to become a "House Bondage" model couple in a day or two. It's a lifelong journey, learning, growing, and sharing.

All the best to you!

 

[ataxia.girl]

The reading thing is very important but its actually more important for him than for you imo. i spent a long time using reading and learning about BDSM as a placebo for the real thing so when we started actually playing i was WAY ahead of him. i was so excited we were actually going to start doing it i started reading even more and it created a situation where it was difficult for him to catch up.

Simple scenes that aren't really even scenes but more just rough sex are a really good way to begin. Being forced to your knees and him controlling your head with his hand in your hair to pleasure himself with your mouth. That kind of thing really helps. Simple bondage that is meant to enhance the experience rather than be the experience. Hubby will often use just a single rope and his belt. We've done scenes with a lot of props and still do from time to time but they honestly aren't the ones that are most memorable for me.

There are a lot of kinks out there and its easy to get into a sort of race to try them all as quickly as possible. The kink becomes the end itself rather than a means to strengthening the bond between you. This is where all the reading can almost become detrimental but as long as you go slowly and savor the journey you'll be fine.

 

[londongirl100]

Hi Guys,

Thank you again for your advice!

I will try and answer CutieMouse's questions (good question's by the way).

I think we could be more on the same page with each other, to be honest, i don't think he knows how much i want to do this, we have talked about it until the cow's come home, and we come to a decision about doing it and then i freak out, maybe its that i have been controlled in the past by boyfriends (DUH me, i just figured that is why i maybe have a problem with him being how i want him to be). i just can not get it out of my head that "if i want this why can i not stop being a bratty bitch and just let it be?"

I think we could be more on the same page and i am going to do some reading as suggested by Sir_Winston54, Thank you!

On to the question about viewing D/s in the same light. I think we do actually, when i let him be dominant, he is exactly that. Maybe i will ask him what HE thinks being dominant is? See where we go from there.

Sir_Winston54, i sound young? That is fantastic, thank you! I am actually 32, made me feel good anyways I suppose that is young

There are so many things for me to think about, i think you are all amazing people and thank you for the time you took to write your thoughts, i will keep you updated!!

 

[catalina_francisco]

LOL, I take it you think 32 is not young!! For some of us it is just a distant memory.

Submission is far from a get out of life card...at least for me and many others. It is a common misconception though. Submission is hard work if you are in it with someone who is really interested in demanding and extracting it from you, and that work never ends as people change, life changes, your body and thoughts change, and yet it continues to flow and be expected.

As to your difficulty in submitting at times, it is also common...I would even go as far as to say that for even the most devoted, if they are honest and in a situation which is not about keeping them happy as opposed to submitting to the desires and needs of their Dominant, they will acknowledge there are moments when submission and submitting can be the most difficult thing you have ever done, and sometimes just does not happen because someone suggests if you were a good submissive you would just submit. Unfortunately, there are many wh as with many things in life where it means appearing as something less than perfect, cannot admit to these moments and paint a picture of perfect submission. Personally I have never met or known a submissive who is perfect 100% of the time no matter how much they may wish they were.

The difficulty you are experiencing could be from a number of factors, or just one. I would think they it has been difficult to jump from mentioning it, to your partner embracing it with you....almost a too good to be true scenario. There may also be an element of guilt or belief they are doing it because you want it which can also hamper submission. It will take time for you to reach a place where you can trust their actions and motivation, where you do not feel maybe self conscious for submitting, and where you can both communicate in a symbiotic way which works for both of you. It is natural, all relationships take time to reach that magic plateau, and need continual work to keep them there as we progress through a relationship.

Best advice I can give is to talk, and then talk some more. You need to be open about how you feel, what you are thinking, as does your partner. With that openness, trust can grow and things can move to a more natural and accepted level where the rebelliousness and questions do not dominate the over desire to submit quite so often or easily. It is a journey, and there are no medls for getting there quicker than the next person, nor do I think there is a point at which you can say you have arrived and will remain static in. Enjoy it for all the ups and downs.


Catalina

 

[Sir_Winston54]

.... I think we could be more on the same page and i am going to do some reading as suggested by Sir_Winston54, Thank you! ....
Sir_Winston54, i sound young? That is fantastic, thank you! I am actually 32, made me feel good anyways I suppose that is young ....

Learning is always a good thing, even though we sometimes don't learn good things...

As far as young... five years ago, I was twice your age. So yeah, you're young, at least relatively speaking.

 

[graceanne]

communicate
CoMmUnIcAtE
COMMUNICATE!

Huh? I don't get it? Do what?

 

[Betticus]

Huh? I don't get it? Do what?

Communicate is an ancient latin word that translates to "Give Gracie Cookies".

Honest...

 

[graceanne]

Communicate is an ancient latin word that translates to "Give Gracie Cookies".

Honest...

Ooh, I like that word.

 

[BiBunny]

Submission is hard. Anyone who tells you otherwise is--to butcher a quote from The Princess Bride--selling something.

I struggle with it every day. Now, some people might say that if it's constant internal struggle that it's not what I really need, but they would be wrong. The problem, in my case, is that my heart knows this is what I need, but my brain hasn't quite caught up yet.

I'll go ahead and say that this is probably going to sound crazy or nonsensical, but it's something that's been on my mind a lot lately. Maybe it'll help someone else if I say it out loud. I am also crazy sick with sinus problems, so, for some reason, delivering a big load of TMI sounds like a great idea.

I have taken the picture in my brain of what I believed I should be, based on others' expectations, and internalized it to the point that I have a hard time telling the difference between what I think I want to be and what I truly need to be. I have gone to such lengths as to create an entire mythos in my head about myself. (No, that's not as nutty as it sounds. Deep in my heart, I accept that the face I present to the world isn't who I really am, but the defensive part of me is determined to buy my own bullshit.) Present circumstances have forced me to really look at myself and examine my desires in ways I've always tried to avoid.

I always believed I wanted to be some rich, powerful, successful career woman. I thought I wanted to escape the rural existence I came from, rebel against the small-town way of life where you're supposed to get married and have kids by the time you're 22, and live alone in some big city where I wrote compelling stories of my exploits and had scads of lovers. Everyone I know is always like, "Oh, you're so smart. You can do anything you want to do." Of course, the implication there is "You should do something big and great with your life." I've lived my whole life pointing myself toward this goal and have gone to great lengths to get it. I've always postured as this cold-hearted, bad-ass, untouchable bitch. I can count on one hand the number of people who know the real me.

It's all a stupid fucking defense mechanism because I'm afraid of what I really am. I've masqueraded as a Top-leaning switch because, let's be honest, decent dominant men are damn near impossible to find. I figured, hey, most men are intimidated by me, anyway, so I may as well use it to my advantage. I've never been comfortable in that role, though. That's not to say I'm not good at it, because I am. I'm just never entirely at ease with it. I like tying people up and hurting them because that's fun (and they get off on it), but the being in control part has always made me uncomfortable.

If I'm entirely honest with myself, deep down, I'm a sentimental, romantic, submissive little girl. And I still hate myself for it. This is NOT who I want to be. I want to be the person I pretend to be in order to keep people from taking advantage of my better nature, but that's not me at all.

I am quiet, meek, and unassuming until I get to know someone, then I talk. A lot. I'm a people-pleaser. I'd rather pretend that I don't like people and don't want to be around them than to admit that I'm terrified of being disliked. It's easier to hate someone before they can hate you, I guess. In my mind, it was better for people to dislike the person I pretended to be than the person I really am, so I often go out of my way to ignore and/or alienate people and then pretend disdain for them. I let people walk all over me once they do get close. I can't say "no," unless I get pushed to the very edge of my temper. I'll gladly sacrifice myself for others. I'd rather me be hurt because I'm strong enough to handle it than someone who isn't that strong. I've always been naturally shy, but in the past 6 or 8 years, that's blossomed into a terrible case of Social Anxiety Disorder. Part of me believes that's because I've denied who I am for so long. It's easier to hide from people than to admit to the ones you love that it makes you miserable to try to live up to their expectations.

I'm not meant to be that rich, powerful, successful career woman. I'm not meant to live in some big city with parties and friends and tons of lovers. It's only been in the last two months or so that I'm slowly coming to the realization that I'm meant to be something totally different. This isn't some manipulative psychobabble I've absorbed from my Master, either. He's been remarkably quiet on the issue. He's only listened when I needed to talk.

I'm meant to live simply and quietly, in the comfort of the country. I'm meant to tend to my horses (and perhaps other animals, who knows?) and sit at my computer and write stories about this simple country life. I'm meant to care for my Master and be his friend, his lover, his confidante, and his slave. This is not some feminist backlash housewife fantasy. I'd be much more than a housewife, and I honestly don't give a red rat's ass if I never get married. (And I STILL don't want to have kids, LOL.) This is the existence that I was born for, the one I've been hiding from my entire life.

There are varying "levels" of submission, though none are inherently better or worse than others. Many, many people are very happy with the currently popular mainstream BDSM image of the submissive partner being the kind of career woman I believed I wanted to be, Super-Mom, and kneeling to her dominant partner once everything else is taken care of. And, don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I'm just one of those people who has to go whole hog, or not go at all.

I was made to serve, made to put his needs before mine, and I still have a lot of self-hatred over that little fact. I'm trying to convince myself that my need to submit is somehow healthy and inborn, not a terrible coping strategy because I need to be loved and will go to stupid lengths in order to retain my partner's attention and affection. I'm still trying to make myself believe that that desire doesn't make me pathetic or weak or somehow lesser than the subs who don't let their partners' desires overwhelm them in every way like I do. There's no worry of "subbier-than-thou" here. This isn't what I want, or who I want to be at all, but it's what I need. That creates all kinds of internal drama and struggles for me.

Now, I know that's way more than you wanted to know about me, LOL. But I told you all this to show you that you're not the only one who struggles. I think about these things every DAY. And Master and I don't even live together! I push back against him and rebel, but he knows when to push harder and when not to.

Sometimes, I need him to back off and let me process my thoughts and feelings on my own. Sometimes, I need him to just take control of me and push me past where I believe I want to go. For a long time, it was almost always the former that I needed. As I continue to progress, I find I'm needing the latter more and more.

He finally took off the kid gloves a couple of weeks ago and made me see who I really am. I cried and despaired over it for awhile. But I'm not one to dwell on drama, so I decided that I ought to at least jump on the wagon and see where it takes me. I begged him to take more control of me, to push me past this happy little "I submit only when I want to" existence.

And he did. It wasn't a matter of him doing what he thought I wanted. He's always known this is what I needed, but he also knew that to push too much too quickly would make me shut him out completely. So he bided his time until I saw it for myself and came to him with my request. Then, he did what he's been wanting to do all along.

Is it easy? Of course not. It's the hardest thing in the whole world. I still experience lots of self-loathing and uncertainty. But I'm confident in his strength and my place with him. This is where I belong, no doubt about it. If you'd told me a month ago I'd be going to bed when he told me to and emailing him reports about my day and stuff, I'd have laughed at you and told you that you didn't know a damned thing about me if you thought that was what kind of sub I was. I hated subs like that. Why? Because I saw myself in them, and it was a reality I didn't want to face.

No, you're far from being the only one to feel this way, and I'm certainly not suggesting that you feel the way I do. I'd wager that not too many people want to have the levels of insane devotion and commitment to another that I do, and there's not anything wrong with that, either. But there's obviously some kind of conflict in your own head, and you're going to have to confront that somehow. He can help you along, of course. As others have suggested, the more you communicate, the better off you'll be. He can alternatively back off or press you harder as my own Master has done, depending on what he believes is the best course of action. But in order for him to be able to guess accurately, you'll have to let him know what's going on in your head. Part of the reason Master and I had so many fits and starts is that I was very reluctant to tell him how I was feeling, for fear of looking pathetic.

It can be worked through, but the operative word there is work.

Ok, now that I have revealed way, way, way too much about myself and my life in a thread that didn't really call for it, I'm going to go restock my Kleenex and peppermint candy for this stupid sinus problem. I apologize for being so long-winded, but I hope it was at least somewhat helpful. I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

 

[londongirl100]

These two quotes from Catalina and BiBunny hit the nail on the head about how i feel.


BiBunny "I have taken the picture in my brain of what I believed I should be, based on others' expectations, and internalized it to the point that I have a hard time telling the difference between what I think I want to be and what I truly need to be. I have gone to such lengths as to create an entire mythos in my head about myself." ---

That is me to the exact, I have known for many years i want to be submissive to the right man but i let friends and outside influence tell me that he is controlling me, for example, when having a night out with the girls, i was told to be home by 12:30, i told my friends this and hence they said "wow your husband is a control freak" i suppose i did not have the guts to tell them this is how i want our marriage to be like.

This is interesting also, i feel i can be more submissive when i have had a drink

Thank you also for all the other points.

Catalina, thank you for letting me see that what i am feeling is normal!

 

[rida]

The reading thing is very important but its actually more important for him than for you imo. i spent a long time using reading and learning about BDSM as a placebo for the real thing so when we started actually playing i was WAY ahead of him. i was so excited we were actually going to start doing it i started reading even more and it created a situation where it was difficult for him to catch up.

*snip*

The above is what happened also in my relationship with Hubby.
Although in my case it was him that recognized my submissive nature and suggested we experiment with D/s, after I finally accepted it and overcame my personal misgivings, I ended up embracing it further than he did and getting into an overload of information and desires and questions.

The good that came from that is that I learned more about myself, but it also put strain on Hubby being Dominant as I had all those images of how a Dominant should be or what Dominant I thought I wanted. Talking things out helped immensely and admitting to him that I was not able to trust him enough to properly submit was a very tough conversation. But it helped define what I wanted and what he wanted. And since what I wanted was for him to take his own pleasure above mine, however he wished to, I had to learn to accept that he does what he wants and my place is to take it, whether it hurts, it is annoying or it is pleasant. His expression of Domination does not have to fit my image, it is what he wants. Simple and yet hard to accept.

As for external peer pressure, it can be indeed hard not to doubt yourself when all you hear around is how a relationship should be, and how it should be is getting further and further from how you want your relationship to be.

Good luck! and enjoy the journey

 

[rida]

Submission is hard. Anyone who tells you otherwise is--to butcher a quote from The Princess Bride--selling something.

*snip*

It can be worked through, but the operative word there is work.

*snip

Thank you for sharing your journey. I'm sure this post will give many people food for thoughts.



ETA: sorry for snipping. I just wanted to stress the above message.

 

[MajorMalfunction]

I have known for many years i want to be submissive to the right man but i let friends and outside influence tell me that he is controlling me, for example, when having a night out with the girls, i was told to be home by 12:30, i told my friends this and hence they said "wow your husband is a control freak" i suppose i did not have the guts to tell them this is how i want our marriage to be like.

This is interesting also, i feel i can be more submissive when i have had a drink

See, this is your prerogative as a couple but personally, I avoid giving orders that make me look like an asshole to a casual observer. To use your example, if V is out for the evening, I want her to have fun and to be able to do that without clockwatching. Also, I trust her completely so it really doesn't matter when she rolls in the door. Giving a curfew is something that other, vanilla adults will not understand. It's not possible to paint that in a good light unless you go into how and why our dynamic works and I'm not going to put V in an awkward position like that.

I think you could maybe chat to your guy about this and consider how these things look to others. If you're given orders that don't conflict with your 'normal' public facade, you'll feel better about obeying them and trust will grow as a result.

V is always extremely submissive and horny when she's pissed but it's by no means the best time to play. If I've been drinking too, I shouldn't place her life literally in my clumsy hands and if I'm the sober one, she can get teary and emotional if I misjudge things and push too hard. I won't say it never happens or that it always backfires but drunken kinkplay is highly dangerous on a number of levels. You wouldn't drive a car so don't try flogging or choking the missus.

 

[satindesire]

(deleted)

 

[JMohegan]

See, this is your prerogative as a couple but personally, I avoid giving orders that make me look like an asshole to a casual observer. To use your example, if V is out for the evening, I want her to have fun and to be able to do that without clockwatching. Also, I trust her completely so it really doesn't matter when she rolls in the door. Giving a curfew is something that other, vanilla adults will not understand. It's not possible to paint that in a good light unless you go into how and why our dynamic works and I'm not going to put V in an awkward position like that.

As long as Londongirl is comfortable & happy with the control, of course it's possible to paint that in a good light.

Londongirl says: "Gotta go, my husband wants me home by 12:30."

Friend says: "He can't tell you what to do! What is he, some sort of control freak?"

Londongirl says (grinning broadly, clearly at ease and happy): "Actually, he's a guy with spectacular plans for what happens when I get there. If you were me, you wouldn't want to be late either! It was great seeing you guys - bye!" or "You know, he worries a lot about me when it's so late. Can't sleep without me tucked in safely beside him. I think that's so sweet! Talk to you guys later!"

Elaborate dissertations on kink are totally unnecessary, but lying and hamstringing the D are hardly healthy for a relationship. So the idea is: tell just enough of the truth to explain why you're leaving, show your happiness with & acceptance of the situation, and carry on as if this sort of thing is perfectly normal.