The More than a blurt thread, prose, poetry and manic tirades

I feel totally worthless,
I am a lost child.
Only hurt fills my heart
Numb, I face the night
filled with tears until
first light
 
Strange how life fluctuates, my relationship with my girlfriend deteriorates,
and another relationship starts to grow.
My life has progressed to be so strange, I met a soldier in a chatroom, all the people in there thought him to be an impostor, they thought his internet address as it showed could not be Iraq so they harassed him and abused him.
He was stalwart and calm never giving in to their haranguing. He and I exchanged our yahoos and emails and sure enough his email addy was military. I did not hear from him for a day or two and tonight he signed on.
Bizarre is that, formerly a soldier would not have drawn my interest. It was his calmness that drew me I guess and the courtesy, respect and warmth he showed me. We were glad of each others company. He talked me into turning on my webcam, I hate doing this because I hate my appearance. My misgivings were laid to rest as he told me how beautiful my smile was. :D Of course I melted. He never smiles, He told me he does not like it, besides being a commander he has to intimidate. But still once in a while the faint hint of smile would pass over on his face. Mostly he smiled in his words. Time passed as we danced our dance of infatuation with each other. A tease, an implied innuendo, My face hurt from smiling so much. What a contrast to the sorrow of my heart last night. Especially I liked that he felt the warmth of my intent, in that faraway place, a less lonely place for him. He does not like what he has to do with his job, but likes that he is making a difference for the people that live there. Finally we had to end it, he had patrol in the morning. I hope he is safe. What a lovely man.:heart::rose: He will have an email waiting when he comes off patrol.:)
 
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I am alone again. That is the norm for one such as I.
Night terrors leaving me gasping in fear.
My own limitations my nightmare and angst.
Short of the torturers rack, we all are responsible
for our own well being. Through our thought
we create, nurture or destroy our state of mind.
My therapist says, that I have the intellect to do anything
not only what I am predisposed towards.
If we have created a persona to begin with.
What is real within us? Our thoughts?
Who are we? I know I am female.
For me it is innate. Male things are not true
to me despite having tried to live as one.
Still what is real? One thing that transcends all
is my sense of wonder of the world
and the beauty that strikes my eyes and heart.
This more real than my sense of self.
Why should I not reject all that is within myself that hurts?
Is it me? Am I to cry as a part of my existence?
a mourner for the world, sorrowful observer.
one that wishes all bounty.
My well of sadness knows no end.
tainted I have no life water.
Only the bitter poison of my end.
 
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removed decided the image worked better on something else
 
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I know how I am to die, it will be at my own hand. The lack of understanding of the world to my fear belittles me and judges me. I feel the pulse of life, I know where to cut. Why would I say such things to the world?
Because soon it will be over for me. Hopelessness has consumed me and my fear has won. Today I go to be assessed to find out if I am in the autistic spectrum. It is hard to describe how alienated and lonely I have been through out my life. It is only recently I have acquired social skills to have some what of a connection with the people around me, it has been me and my fear all of my life. I sense the potential within me and yet I cannot express it, always the fear, always the fear. My transsexuality shifts me to an even lonelier place, who wants me? I am ugly to myself how can I be attractive to someone else? My words today are my fear I am tired, I want peace, I want to die. I do not want to be alone.
 
Caught in the madness of futility
Defeated in my attempts at wresting
With my demon of fear.
Relief, I want a life where I can smile
The ever present taint of unfinished
Nightmares, never goes away.
Peace, I want peace,
I want to snuggle in someone’s arms
I want to dream, to be the composition
Of what I am meant to be.
Give me the quiet of a peaceful soul
Like the kiss of morning
Give me the light of hope
The solutions tease me, a knife blade,
A hangman’s noose, poignant they taunt me
I am lost, I hurt, I cannot be. Only the long sleep
Of death gives me hope to have the quiet I crave.
Hold me, tell me colorful things, caress the wrinkles on my brow
And soothe my despair, tell me morning is near.
Tell me I have nothing to fear.
 
Dialogue with a lovely friend

Yup my inner instincts tell me to trust your judgment and the
knowledge of previous conversations. *grin* Your motivations are
quite different than those around me. Your curiosity of the world is
a lovely thing. It is one of the reasons why I love you. I see the
same force in my child as he grows in complexity and depth. Lol there
is one who has a quick intelligence. But it is a similarity between
us. My earliest memories are that of the wonder of nature and the
world. I see this force at work within you. My own journeys of late
have been the inward one of self. But learning who and what I am is
so important to me. Shocking that it can be as complicated as the
world around me. Nature is so much cleaner and purer in
design. You are right about the deep feeling of my knowledge that I am
a woman. Lately I have been experiencing something that screams in my
mind, it is a feeling that I have had in the past which when ignored
was the harbinger of disaster. Only this time it is not specific to
anything. It is waking in the middle of the night in pure panic. Oh
how I hope it is nothing but some wayward feeling of malfeasance.
What is interesting about this feeling is that it can occur when I am
in a waking state as well. Perhaps it is nothing but a random misfire
of my adrenal system and subconscious. *sigh*

Now I had an interesting experience tonight, my brother in law is a
Physical Chemist, he has a Phd. in it. I know I am getting better
in some things such as the that of ego and its demands complicating my
life *grin* do you think we are ever free of it? He has a very
accusative nature
and used to be my friend before transitioning. He is the one who
"outed" me to my family about my transsexualism. Of course at the
time I thought it outrageous, but in retrospect he did me a favor. I
had the illusion of transitioning quietly in private. It has forced
me to deal with the world more directly which mostly is abhorrent to
me. Am I wandering? Where will this branch go or that one?
Thoughts! They are an unending matrix of confounding diversity.
Anyhow, he was very critical and accusative tonight as well.
However, I was able to see the truth in his words despite his
delivery. Instead of shutting down and being dismissive I was able to
look at him and say. You are right. One thing I have learned is
that truths are relative. The only true ones are that the sun comes
and goes. Still is the sun there without the observer? Each
observer will see something different. Oh look the declination is
far to the south this time of year, or are not the clouds a
beautiful color around it. Or the sensation of warmth on the face.
Our cognitive ability to discern the world around us is the effect of
the attention we focus on it. So our experience is where our mind
takes us. The fun part is as we learn to control our focus we see
more and more of the things around us. We are all rich when you think
about it.
I can say that quite likely the difference between you and I is that
you have studied and been more focused than I for longer. Lol well
perhaps I am still studying the flavor of the dirt in my friends sand
box from my early childhood through my memories. It was pretty
gritty.
Now there is something. Memories, how do they all store themselves?
Why is it a memory can lie buried and unused and suddenly emerge from
the depths of the brain. Think of all of the memories and thoughts
all stacked up there. Now that is an amazing thing.
eep! I need to go back to bed, I have work to do in the morning. *hugs*
Love always,
Gianna
 
Spending time on the Indian River Lagoon is always a wonder to me,
I went down on the dock to cast a few lines with the hope of catching some fresh fish for dinner. One young Atlantic bottle-nosed dolphin decided he liked me and kept me company for a while, every time I brought in a fish on my fishing pole and tossed it back he would race in to the dock roll on his side and look at me. He did not want the fish but he certainly did seem to like the sound of the fish being released. We played this game for about 40 minutes. Sometimes he would sit there rolling around in the water as if he was listening to my welcoming words. When another young dolphin came by he went off to play but came by one last time as if to say goodbye.
I had two manatees go by as I fished. One enthusiastic Royal Tern grabbed my fishing lure off of the surface of the water when I was being inattentive distracted by my fine company no doubt, fortunately the tern did not get hooked so there was no dramatic battle to free it as I had with a Brown Pelican many years ago, unpleasant for him and me. Do you know Pelicans vomit under stress? I sure found out as I struggled with him to extract the hook he had snatched up. He beat me with his wings until I could trap them under my arms, I was bound and determined not to be one of those fishermen that just cut the line and left the birds to die tangled with line and hook. The pelican was released, free of his bane. I was nauseated from the smell of oily pelican and pelican vomit. Yech!.Out, Out damn spot! I could not get the smell off of me, I washed my hands repeatedly, like Lady Macbeth I could not get rid of the taint of my crime. Many washings and showers later I finally could feel clean. I paid for my sins.
Another evening, months later, I went to catch a fish. A young Brown Pelican saw it differently, he wanted my fishing lure, heck he was actively pursuing it. I turned my back and he is standing on the dock right behind me saying "Well?" in his posture. Hoping to instill fear of man and hence possibly his redemption I swatted at him. This to his programmed response was "she is throwing me a fish" and he would open his mouth and glare at me. Finally when I loomed over him in a menacing fashion his resolve melted and he left where 10 feet away he glared at me as he floated on the water. Casually he paddled close to where I was casting my lure and tried to close the distance and catch me off guard "la..te...do...la...te...dum..." I would switch sides of the dock when he got too close. Then he changed tactics, he would swim under the dock hoping to get that lure, to him of course it was a little tasty morsel. Okay I turned my back and there he is right behind me on the dock again. I went through the routine , hovering over him making monster noises and uttering vindictive for I realized he was not going to leave and I was not going to get fish for dinner. He hopped in the water again, and glared at me. Finally I gave up and sat down to watch the Indian River Lagoon.
As I watched a mullet jumped. Do you know about mullet? Not the hair cuts!
These fish jump for the heck of it, some say they are trying to reach heaven, some say it is to rid themselves of parasites, and others say for joy of life. No one really knows. They used to be thick in the lagoon. In the mornings you can see them in the clear settled water swimming in schools reminiscent of an icthyoid ballet, lazy figure eights and patterns, lazily scrapping their sides on the bottom every now and then. The young ones swim in formation like little torpedoes on the surface. The predators come from beneath accenting the mornings calm with explosive splashes in their bursts of predatory behavior. The little mullet scatter some jumping above the surface, skittering here and there. Almost immediately the calm resumes and life goes on in the quiet of morning. Mullet are not as prevalent in the Indian River Lagoon as they used to be. Their roe is prized by the Japanese for its culinary delicacy. The long gill nets are a thing of the past. Still the mullet swim on life is irrepressible.
 
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I Shall Not Care
by Sara Teasdale

WHEN I am dead and over me bright April
Shakes out her rain-drenched hair,
Though you should lean above me broken-hearted,
I shall not care.

I shall have peace, as leafy trees are peaceful
When rain bends down the bough;
And I shall be more silent and cold-hearted
Than you are now.
 
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I Shall Not Care
by Sara Teasdale

WHEN I am dead and over me bright April
Shakes out her rain-drenched hair,
Though you should lean above me broken-hearted,
I shall not care.

I shall have peace, as leafy trees are peaceful 5
When rain bends down the bough;
And I shall be more silent and cold-hearted
Than you are now.

That is so beautiful and tragic lesbiaprodite:kiss::heart::rose:
 
After Love

There is no magic any more,
We meet as other people do,
You work no miracle for me
Nor I for you.

You were the wind and I the sea --
There is no splendor any more,
I have grown listless as the pool
Beside the shore.

But though the pool is safe from storm
And from the tide has found surcease,
It grows more bitter than the sea,
For all its peace.



Sara Teasdale
 
After Love

There is no magic any more,
We meet as other people do,
You work no miracle for me
Nor I for you.

You were the wind and I the sea --
There is no splendor any more,
I have grown listless as the pool
Beside the shore.

But though the pool is safe from storm
And from the tide has found surcease,
It grows more bitter than the sea,
For all its peace.



Sara Teasdale

:heart::heart: Another good one. She has a way of metaphor that is wonderful. The safety of the pool, or relationship yet it is stagnate and lacks life. My ex and I were that way. We had strong connection and still do, but it was lifeless for both of us. Lol Not sure we ever had the storms just the slowness of a pool evaporating in the sun growing ever so bitter. *sigh*
 
http://i140.photobucket.com/albums/r16/GiannaVenus/Snapshot_20090101_2.jpg
dread taints my reality
the fear stains my perception
in colors dark taking me to night.
I see no hope only the downward
slide into despair that my life has become.
sometimes I hear beautiful voices
they tell me I am lovely,
They try to offer me hope.
As I fall into the black
I am only left with my hurt
How I long to hear their voices
and see the bird singing in the dawn.
 
dancing she kisses my senses
Lithe and mysterious
slender body, caressed with curves
that touch me in so many ways
In passing her perfume wraps
me within it's shroud
overwhelming my perception.
How can I not love?
Precious beauty, poignant heart
I can only watch from afar
for if she were in my arms
I would surely be consumed.
trembling with want
my breast aches
delicious fire, perilous love.
In my dreams, lips touch on skin,
the taste of sweat and passion
sighs and shivers, spent lust
and a loving embrace,
wrapped together in sleep.
 
I was just told that I am probably a genius by someone. They understood my mental meanderings. Apparently I was able to communicate an abstract concept over the phone with her. I met her in a chat room. As she drove up the interstate we talked for about an hour or two. Now it is interesting that I do not consider my self a genius but more of a pragmatist of the concept of reality. In the observation of self and others I have come to some ideas.
One is that all thought is an artificial construct, we build it from birth in our interpretation of experience, and with the accumulation of that experience we make assumptions to deal with later scenarios. We define our reality with all of these thoughts. Short of actual physical laws all are interpretations of our experience which is biased by the earlier experiences. Now we build our sense of self through all of this. Our attention, if left interpreting without assumptions would be consumed and overwhelmed. How can we "see" and experience without bias. How to live in the actual moment before thought taints us? Can we see the beauty of the stars as if for the first time? Or the leaf? The dust motes are galaxies themselves. Can we quiet the mind enough to "see"?

*Grin* I need a Tab.
 
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