Dear Bad Santa

[unpredictablebijou]

Dear Bad Santa,

First of all let me say thank you. The presents I've already gotten this year are so surprising and wonderful I can't even begin to voice my gratitude. The toy plane is the coolest, and the new muse is the BEST. And thanks for the new President; he's the best present of 2008. But in case you think I've been naughty enough to merit a few more things, here's my list.

A new rim for the Panda's front tire
A setting for my citrine
More lingerie
A big fat clue for my asshole brother
A full and detailed instruction manual -- In ENGLISH -- for the new toy
Peace on Earth and stuff
A '66 Karmann Ghia, British racing green, convertible (well hey, it never hurts to ask)
Ankle restraints and a spreader bar
A labradorite sphere as big as my head
A TENS unit
Really good coffee
A new blender
Harmony and compassion with all those I love

Thanks in advance, Santa. You're the best.

Your year-round worshiper,

bijou

 

[Tzara]

A '66 Karmann Ghia, British racing green, convertible (well hey, it never hurts to ask)

British racing green?

I don't think so. Try German racing silver, and you should probably put the "racing" in quotes.

(There's a guy up the street from me with about a '68 KG, yellow convertible. Nice car. I always wanted a right-hand drive white '66 XKE myself.)

 

[Tzara]

Dear Morally Neutral Fantasy Figure, a/k/a "Santa Claus":

Being someone who, at least at the moment, fervently believes in the moral righteousness of rampant consumerism to prop up failing capitalistic structures, I am temporarily expressing my belief (well, approval of the fantasy, anyway) in your existence.

So, accordingly, I am posting my list of Stuff I Really Want. Really want.

Really. Like:

• A "quality weekend" in a suite at the Seattle Sheraton with Renée Fleming. Should Ms. Fleming be otherwise booked, Anne-Sophie Mutter is an acceptable substitute.
• Some decent ties. Yes, I'm starting to wear them again. Brooks Brothers make some good ones.
• A fine champagne for New Year's. Oh, hell. That one's taken? Well, I guess this will have to do.
• The return of my 401(k) account to its October 2007 level, with annual eight percent (I'm greedy, but not that greedy) increases continuing into my ever optimistic future.
• No more leaking radiators. Well, to be more accurate, no more leaks in the radiant heat system in my house, especially when that means ripping open walls. This should, perhaps, be number one on my list.
• Jasper John's Green Target, though I doubt MoMA would let it go. Thing would look great over my fireplace.
• A new Godzilla figure. The other dozen are lonely.
• Happy, healthy, safe friends.
• A CD recording of Rochberg's Symphony No. 4, because I am wearing out the tape I bootlegged off the world premiere recording with the Seattle Youth Symphony Orchestra. And anyway, tape is dead.
• Peace of mind.

Anyway, bud, you deliver on this list, even fifty percent or so, and I promise to believe in you.

That first one would go a long way to convince me. Just sayin'.

Regards,

tz

 

[unpredictablebijou]

British racing green?

I don't think so. Try German racing silver, and you should probably put the "racing" in quotes.

(There's a guy up the street from me with about a '68 KG, yellow convertible. Nice car. I always wanted a right-hand drive white '66 XKE myself.)

But I like that color. It's the color a Karmann Ghia should be. The convertible part is way more optional than the color. I may have the name wrong, though. It's just the name I always heard for that color.

I'd be okay with silver, although that seems... ostentatious somehow.

Had one once. I was cooler than Antarctica in that car. Clutchless drive, took turns like it was glued to the road, and if it overheated you had to start it by sliding underneath and jumping the spark with a pair of needlenose pliers.

bj

 

[pellso27]

Dear Santa I need a perverted girlfriend

 

[Tzara]

But I like that color. It's the color a Karmann Ghia should be. The convertible part is way more optional than the color. I may have the name wrong, though. It's just the name I always heard for that color.

It's the right name, but the Karmann is a German car.

BRG is appropriate for a Lotus, though.

Had one once. I was cooler than Antarctica in that car. Clutchless drive, took turns like it was glued to the road, and if it overheated you had to start it by sliding underneath and jumping the spark with a pair of needlenose pliers.

bj

Ah, the fabled Wolfsburg heating system. I had a '69 Beetle with the clutchless shift. "Defrost" meant crack the window.

Thing had traction like a snowplow, though. You just had to make sure you had spare fuses for the gearshift. I burned one on the offramp heading up to the University of Washington and had to push it into a parking lot and walk to class.

 

[Sara Crewe]

You know you aren't in the best of places when...

you either want for too much or nothing at all and completely draw a blank when offered a blank slate from the big guy in red.

Maybe I just need sleep.

 

[champagne1982]

Dear Bad Santa,

If I'd been good I wouldn't be writing you at all, so this should automatically qualify me for one of the bad-assedest gifts ever. I want a bed. No, now don't be thinking that's all boring and shit or that your fat self will be getting in on the other side of it... I want a bed. A big, comfy bed with (are you ready?) plush sheets to keep warm in. No, this isn't all, I want a big, comfy bed with plush sheets annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd this guy to share it with.

http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b395/champagne1982/adrian_grenier.jpg​

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Dear Bad Santa
1 Can I have Ron home for Christmas but not cranky with it . I know pain makes you cranky but there is only so much crankiness another person who will be waiting on him hand and foot anyway can take
2 One or two Orgasms
3 Underwear ... comfy but sexy
4 Good progs on the telly (no I don't want to watch Lassie on Christmas day or ET)
5 Someone else to do the washing up (sexy n clad only in an apron would be nice)
6 Someone to take me by the hand and explain in words of two syllables or less what the hell I am supposed to be doing with this poetry competition
7 Folks to start using the Bistro again 'cos I miss it
oh you can use 8/9/and 10 for all the peace stuff especially to all the Lit friends that I love so much

here's hoping
Annie

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Dear Bad Santa,

These people are really beautiful and genuinely deserve what they're asking for. Trust me; I know them.

Oh, and one more thing.

bj

 

[champagne1982]

Dear Bad Santa,

These people are really beautiful and genuinely deserve what they're asking for. Trust me; I know them.

Oh, and one more thing.

bj

Dear Bad Santa,

Candy's good. Can I have some, too.

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Dear Bad Santa, can I please send some sleep to Sara Crewe? Lots of the fluffy-cloud, deep breathing, erotic dreams sort.

And for me? Bedposts please.

 

[PandoraGlitters]

I am not sure if I have been naughty enough to deserve this (I'll try harder next year) but could you please send every human male a copy of this?

 

[PublicAffection]

Dear Bad Santa:

If you could get me an Aston Martin, I will give you amazing head every Christmas for the rest of my life. It doesn't even have to be a new one - I'd drive a used one and love it forever. Don't worry about color either - I'll go ahead and have it painted later.

Really, that's all I want. And, I give good head.

Please?

 

[PandoraGlitters]

And, I give good head.

OH me too! See for yourself.

 

[the Snood]

Dear Bad Santa-

First of all, thanks for taking away all those extra cookies. I'd have a hard time getting through doors without your assistance.

Thanks also for the change of regime, the hiatus in the Reign of the Mechanical Monster and Reece's Pieces.

That said, may I please have some flea powder that really works, along with a list of suppliers in case I run out this globally warmed, vermin-infested summer?

Also, a translation guide for error messages such as "If you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you!" would be most useful.

Lastly, please grant peace, prosperity, health and happiness to my loved ones, their loved ones and their loved ones?

Oh, and please let me know if you prefer skim, two percent, whole or extra rich milk.

Thanks,

Snood

P.S. A hot date with Amanda Tapping...?

 

[UnderYourSpell]

OH me too! See for yourself.

You're sooooo kinkyyyyyy!!

 

[PandoraGlitters]

to Annie

 

[UnderYourSpell]

and back to you

 

[UnderYourSpell]

http://www.santaclaus.net/Naughty.asp?session=36AC4C0063724822AC517540C2E64F3E