A little irreverant Christmas cheer...

[CaFem45]

Ok, first I must say I love Christmas and all it's lovely old fashioned traditions; however, with the times as they are, I thought an exchange of irreverant Christmas ditties would be just the thing. Here's my offering...hope you enjoy it:

Santa Claus is Fooling Around (think Bruce Springsteen's rendition of Santa Claus is Coming to Town)

Hi Santa, I been waiting all year for you to come down my chimney.

”It’s all cold after midnight mass and the wind’s whippin’ through the church parking lot. Hey Band, your girlfriend’s been actin’ funny lately?
“No, man”….
“Hey Big Man, your old lady been walkin’ around really funny, like she’s been with a really big man?”
“Yeah”
“Oh man, that’s not good. You guys been finding Christmas cookie crumbs in your bed and maybe a red stocking cap in the bathroom that ain’t yours?
Oh man, I think I know what’s goin’ on around here.”

Well, you better watch out for that holiday guy
You shouldn’t go out
I’m tellin’ you why
Santa Claus is foolin’ around
Santa’s out North Polin’ around
Santa Claus is foolin’ around

He’s checkin’ his list
He’s grabbin’ his fly
He’s leavin’ his gift
Then hittin’ the sky
Santa Claus is foolin’ around
Santa’s clothes are hittin’ the ground
Santa’s with your woman right now

Oh, Santa
He creeps in when they’re sleepin’
He charms them with his wink
He’s doin’ stuff no Santa should
Oh yeah
You better get home for Christmas sake
Oh yeah
Better get home and don’t be late

You better watch out for that man in the sky
You better not trust that jolly old guy
Santa Claus is foolin’ around
Santa Claus is runnin’ around
Mrs. Claus is huntin’ him down

”Booyah, booyah
Who’s been a naughty girl
Who’s your Santa
Who’s your Santa
Prancer, Vixen… Hohohoho!”


Is that a candy cane in your pocket?

Santa Claus is foolin’ around
Settin' 'em up in every town
Santa Claus is screwing around
Oh yeah
Santa’s clothes are hittin’ the ground
Santa’s at your chimney right now
Oh yeah
Slidin’ in and beddin' 'em down
Oh Santa
Santa Claus is foolin’ around

Oh, you have to go already? I know you’re busy. Call me?

Ho ho ho!

 

[Jonny G]

The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Is finding a Christmas tree

The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me

Sending Christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Five months of bills!
Sending Christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!
Oh, I hate those Christmas cards!
Hangovers
Rigging up these lights!
And finding a Christmas tree

The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
The Salvation Army
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!
Sending Christmas cards
Oh, geez!
I'm tryin' to rig up these lights!
And finding a Christmas tree

The eighth thing at Christmas that such a pain to me:
I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!
Charities,
And whataya mean "YOUR in-laws"?!?
Five months of bills!
Ach, making out these cards
Honey, get me a beer, huh?
What, we have no extension cords?!?
And finding a Christmas tree

The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Finding parking spaces
DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!!!
Donations!
Facing my in-laws Five months of bills!
Writing out those Christmas cards
Hangovers!
Now why the hell are they blinking?!?!?
And finding a Christmas tree

The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
"Batteries Not Included"
No parking spaces
BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!
Get a job, ya bum!
Facing my in-laws!
Five months of bills!
Yo-ho, sending Christmas cards
Oh, geez, look at this!
One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
And finding a Christmas tree

The eleventh thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Stale TV specials
"Batteries Not Included"
No parking spaces
DAD, I GOTTA GO TA BATHROOM!!
Charities!
She's a witch...I hate her!
Five months of bills!
Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!
Oh, who's got the toilet paper, huh?
Get a flashlight...I blew a fuse!!
And finding a Christmas tree

The twelfth thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Singing Christmas carols
Stale TV specials
"Batteries Not Included"
No parking?!?
WAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAH!
Charities!
Gotta make 'em dinner!
Five months of bills!
I'm not sendin' them this year, that's it!
Shut up, you!
FINE! YOU'RE SO SMART, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!
And finding a Christmas tree

 

[alekhorn]

Know why miss claus cannot get preggo?

 

[alekhorn]

santa only cums once a year and thats down a chimney!

 

[CaFem45]

santa only cums once a year and thats down a chimney!

Not a song....but quite in the spirit! Cheers!

 

[hisSLUTwife]

The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Is finding a Christmas tree

The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me

Sending Christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Five months of bills!
Sending Christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!
Oh, I hate those Christmas cards!
Hangovers
Rigging up these lights!
And finding a Christmas tree

The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
The Salvation Army
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills!
Sending Christmas cards
Oh, geez!
I'm tryin' to rig up these lights!
And finding a Christmas tree

The eighth thing at Christmas that such a pain to me:
I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!
Charities,
And whataya mean "YOUR in-laws"?!?
Five months of bills!
Ach, making out these cards
Honey, get me a beer, huh?
What, we have no extension cords?!?
And finding a Christmas tree

The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
Finding parking spaces
DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!!!
Donations!
Facing my in-laws Five months of bills!
Writing out those Christmas cards
Hangovers!
Now why the hell are they blinking?!?!?
And finding a Christmas tree

The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
"Batteries Not Included"
No parking spaces
BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!
Get a job, ya bum!
Facing my in-laws!
Five months of bills!
Yo-ho, sending Christmas cards
Oh, geez, look at this!
One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
And finding a Christmas tree

The eleventh thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Stale TV specials
"Batteries Not Included"
No parking spaces
DAD, I GOTTA GO TA BATHROOM!!
Charities!
She's a witch...I hate her!
Five months of bills!
Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!
Oh, who's got the toilet paper, huh?
Get a flashlight...I blew a fuse!!
And finding a Christmas tree

The twelfth thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Singing Christmas carols
Stale TV specials
"Batteries Not Included"
No parking?!?
WAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAH!
Charities!
Gotta make 'em dinner!
Five months of bills!
I'm not sendin' them this year, that's it!
Shut up, you!
FINE! YOU'RE SO SMART, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!
And finding a Christmas tree

i friggin love it

 

[CaFem45]

i friggin love it

One of my favorites also...I have more, but hoping for other contributions.

 

[foxseeker]

Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch. Santa declined, saying "Ho -ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."

Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear. "OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she queried . Taking a long look, Santa sighed and said "Ho- ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."

Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said invitingly "Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?"

With a pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said "Ho - ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know." And with that, he turned and left. Several minutes passed, and Santa re-appeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful woman.

"Santa---you decided to stay??" she asked.



Santa grinned, looking at his crotch and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!"

 

[CaFem45]

Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch. Santa declined, saying "Ho -ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."

Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear. "OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she queried . Taking a long look, Santa sighed and said "Ho- ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."

Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said invitingly "Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?"

With a pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said "Ho - ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know." And with that, he turned and left. Several minutes passed, and Santa re-appeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful woman.

"Santa---you decided to stay??" she asked.



Santa grinned, looking at his crotch and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!"

Good one! Wanna play Santa this year?

 

[foxseeker]

Good one! Wanna play Santa this year?

Oh yes please!

 

[WinterBlueAbby]

Not Christmas, but one of my favorite seasonal songs...

Okay…
This is a song that uhh..
There's a lot of Christmas songs out there and uhh..
Not too many Chanukah songs.
So uhh..
I wrote a song for all those nice little Jewish kids who don't get to hear any Chanukah songs.
Here we go…

Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Chanukah
So much funukah
To celebrate Chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree
Here's a list of people who are Jewish just like you and me
David Lee roth Lights the menorah
So do James Caan, Kirk Douglas, and the late Dinah Shore-ah

Guess who eats together at the Carnegie Deli
Bowser from Sha Na Na and Arthur Fonzerelli
Paul Newman's half Jewish, Goldie Hawn's half too
Put them together, what a fine lookin' Jew

You don't need deck the halls or jingle bell rock
'cause you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock- both jewish

Put on your yarmulke
It's time for Chanukah
The owner of the Seattle Supersonicahs
Celebrates Chanukah

O.J. Simpson, not a Jew
But guess who is? hall of famer Rod Carew — he converted
We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby
Harrison Ford's a quarter Jewish- not too shabby

Some people think that Ebenezer Scrooge is
Well he's not, but guess who is
All Three Stooges
So many Jews are in showbiz
Tom Cruise isn't, but I heard his agent is

Tell your friend Veronica
It's time to celebrate Chanukah
I hope I get a harmonicah
Oh this lovely, lovely Chanukah
So drink your gin and tonicah
And smoke your marijuanikah
If you really, really wannakah
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Chanukah
Happy Chanukah

 

[Jimm12380]

Twas the night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Everyone felt shitty, even the mouse.

With Mom in the whorehouse and Dad smoking grass,
I settled myself down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my piece to see what was the matter.

Out on the lawn I saw a big dick,
I knew in an instant it must be Saint Nick.

He fell down the chimney like a bat out of hell,
I knew in that moment the fucker had fell.

He filled all the stockings with liquor and beer
And a big rubber dick for me to stick in my rear

He flew up the chimney with a thunderous fart.
That son of a bitch blew the chimney apart.

He cussed and he cursed as he flew out of sight,
Saying "Piss on you all, have a hell of a night!"

 

[CaFem45]

Not Christmas, but one of my favorite seasonal songs...

Okay…
This is a song that uhh..
There's a lot of Christmas songs out there and uhh..
Not too many Chanukah songs.
So uhh..
I wrote a song for all those nice little Jewish kids who don't get to hear any Chanukah songs.
Here we go…

Love this one! Just listened to it today!

 

[CaFem45]

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Everyone felt shitty, even the mouse.

With Mom in the whorehouse and Dad smoking grass,
I settled myself down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my piece to see what was the matter.

Out on the lawn I saw a big dick,
I knew in an instant it must be Saint Nick.

He fell down the chimney like a bat out of hell,
I knew in that moment the fucker had fell.

He filled all the stockings with liquor and beer
And a big rubber dick for me to stick in my rear

He flew up the chimney with a thunderous fart.
That son of a bitch blew the chimney apart.

He cussed and he cursed as he flew out of sight,
Saying "Piss on you all, have a hell of a night!"

Love it!!!

 

[CaFem45]

Oh yes please!

I've been quite naughty this year Santa! Whatever are you going to do with me???

 

[foxseeker]

I've been quite naughty this year Santa! Whatever are you going to do with me???

Oh I think I may have to tie you up and blindfold you with your 'Bare essentials' until I've fully resolved this :

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.



No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

 

[BenDover4]

Know why miss claus cannot get preggo?

If you saw some of his elves you'd know why...

 

[CaFem45]

For all you crossdressers out there....you know who you are

Walkin round in women's underwear

Lacy things, the wife is missin'
Didn't ask, her permission
I'm wearin' her clothes
Her silk pantyhose
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

In the store, there's a teddy
Little straps, like spaghetti
It holds me so tight
Like handcuffs at night
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna
We can dress, like Madonna
Put on some eyeshade
And join the parade
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

Lacy things- missin'
Didn't ask- permission
Wearin' her clothes
Silk pantyhose
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

 

[foxseeker]

Walkin round in women's underwear

Lacy things, the wife is missin'
Didn't ask, her permission
I'm wearin' her clothes
Her silk pantyhose
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

In the store, there's a teddy
Little straps, like spaghetti
It holds me so tight
Like handcuffs at night
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna
We can dress, like Madonna
Put on some eyeshade
And join the parade
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

Lacy things- missin'
Didn't ask- permission
Wearin' her clothes
Silk pantyhose
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear

'Didn't ask- permission?' Disgusting reprobate, well let's put that to rights with an example, you take 'em off and I put 'em on, but only until you take 'em off again--PARTY!

 

[Aging Rake]

We'll take no beer, nor Christmas cheer
Such drinks shall ne'er prevail.
Just bring for me
Some good strong tea
For the Angels said, "No ale"




Which Christmas song did they sing whilst digging the Panama Canal?


"I'm dreaming of a wide isthmus."

 

[foxseeker]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
The phasers were hung in the arm'ry securely,
In hope that no aliens would get up early.

The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);
And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a neat face-to-face.

When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pants and jacket.
Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!"

The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a luster of Hades to objects within.
When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some geek who looked old.

But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
His sleigh grew larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name;

"It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
It's Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
Now float away, float away, float away all!"

As leaves in autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up the ceiling our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out, "What the hell is this Q?!"

The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
As we took in our plight and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.

The Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again to continue the show.
"That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!"
And Riker said, "Worf! Take your aim at this dunce!"

"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q.
"I just wanted to spend Christmas with you."
As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents, and took a step back.

"I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
There's something delightful for everyone here."
He sat on the floor and dug into the pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile.

"For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain,
Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf I've got mints as his breath's not too great,
And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.

For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus:
For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of seeing her that way."

Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,
And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"

 

[foxseeker]

Tampax have announced today that they will be
replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece
of tinsel.


This will be for the Christmas period only...

 

[Ogmios]

The Viking Christmas Carol

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the Hall
Not a creature was stirring, not warrior nor thrall.
And I in my armour, my greaves and my helm
Was drunker than anyone else in the Realm.

I staggered upstairs and fell into my bed
While four quarts of mead were ablaze in my head.
Then up from below came the sounds of a brawl
So I grabbed up my axe and ran down to the Hall.

I missed the last step and crashed down in a heap
Thinking, "Why can't those low-lifes downstairs go to sleep!"
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But two brawny strangeres, wielding mallet and spear.

I said to myself, "We'll soon have them beat!"
Then I noticed ten warriors laid out at their feet.
So I righted myself, and ran into the fray.
I'll always regret my poor choice of that day.

For the one laid his hammer to the side of my nose
And up, up, up to the rafters i rose
Then came a lone frightened voice froom the floor,
"Those are no mortals--yhat's Odin and Thor!"

Then they looked at each other and said "Battles done.
Now they know who we are it's no longer fun."
Then Thor raised his hammer, and his elbow he bent,
And with a loud crash, though the ceiling thet went.

I crawled though the Hall and flung open the door,
Not really sure that I'd seen them before.
The snow bathed in starlight, the moon like a glede,
I saw them ride off on an eight-legged steed.

And I heard them exclaim,
'ere they flew out of sight,
"TO HELL WITH CHRISTMAS,
WE JUST LOVE A GOOD FIGHT!"

author unknown