eastern sun
hungry little creature
- Joined
- Nov 19, 2005
- Posts
- 2,703
Heh. Well, I just know that when I compare my actions to a slave's actions, I may or may not see a difference. Thinking of myself as property is when it becomes difficult for me. It's hard for me to get what it is that makes a slave, since there isn't really a single model or definition.
To just say that someone is property doesn't really make it all clear. My cell phone and a piece of family jewelry are both property, but I obviously treat them differently. I have said before, well, I can't be a slave because I don't do x. And inevitably someone will come back and say, well, that's not our model of slavery anyway. Ultimately, the word that comes to mind when I think of me and my PYL, again and again, is partnership. Not equal, but still, a partnership.
You always raise challenging points, itw.
Part of the reason I always put the word slave in quotation marks is that I don't want to confuse my experience with real slavery. Lots of modern-day slaves end up in NYC through a series of desperate hopes and deceitful promises. They end up in Chinese restaurants, prostitution, and probably a lot of other places I don't know anything about, "paying off" their passage to America. I don't want to pretend that my experience is in any way comparable to theirs. In fact, I've often thought that I should get involved in organizations helping to repatriate women who have become victims of white slavery rings just to balance my karmic debt.
I do, however, find the idea of sexual slavery incredibly exciting. Even the idea of non-consensual sexual slavery resonates at some deep subconscious level. Along the lines of the captured daughter of the king forced to become a member of the conquering warlord's harem. The shattering loss of status. The impossibility of escape. The struggle to accept one's fate. (All the stuff of fantasy, to be sure, but what else do we base our sexuality on but our fantasies.)
My training as a child did not make me an automatic submissive. I came out of my family's home yelling and screaming at anyone who would stand still long enough to hear it. I broke a lot of dishes throwing them across the kitchen. I also thought it was my duty to give my opinion on everything, and my opinions were laced with a lot of judgement in order to support my weak self-esteem.
And then I met my husband.
I think my identification as a "slave" even more than a "sub" - I've actually never called myself a "sub" - comes from the experience of "forced submission." Over the years, I have learned that I can fight my husband's will, but we are never happy when I do.
When I adopt the position of a "slave," the framework of our relationship changes dramatically. The facts are still the same, but with a different mindset, my reactions change. Then my actions change. And then his reactions change. And we are happier.
I actually made the initial suggestion that I was his "slave," and wanted to be. I had thought of myself as his slave for years without even being aware of the terms "dominant/submissive" in their sexual meaning. He was totally surprised. (in a good way)
Once we began working with the dynamics formally, we hit huge obstacles. But here we are, years later, still at our happiest when I am his "slave."
We may differ from other M/s couples in that he doesn't feel like he actually owns my body. (i.e. He would enjoy selling it at a slave auction in a club, but he would never feel he had the right to sell it to anyone outside clearly defined parameters.) He doesn't mind requiring me to fuck other people, though. And he is very clear on the things that matter to him (i.e. where he likes hair and where he doesn't, no tattoos, etc.).
There are times when I like to think of myself as an inanimate object, especially during sex. Sometimes, if we're out in the city, I'm hyperaware of how I look on his arm, and objectify myself that way. More often, I think of myself as "his woman."
A living being is so different from a piece of jewelry or a cell phone, it's like comparing apples and oranges, or rather, apples and rocks. But I do feel like I belong to him. My labor belongs to him. My future belongs to him. Even my internal world, my secrets, my fantasies, belong to him. And he is free to have access to them whenever he desires. (You'd be surprised how frequently I don't want to let him know what I'm thinking.)
I'd be curious how people in other M/s relationships view the ownership rights. I think it is open to different interpretations, but there may be underlying "rules" I'm not expressing.
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