Feedback for taboo/incest story

[ThinkerLover]

This is a hot story, I think and i've received numerous compliment e-mails on it.

Please take a look at it and submit feedback here on the forum and/or with your votes!

Thank you!

Sisters' Indulgent Secret

UPDATE:

Read the sequel at

Sister's Indulgent Secret 2

 

[2ndchance]

This is a hot story, I think and i've received numerous compliment e-mails on it.

Please take a look at it and submit feedback here on the forum and/or with your votes!

Thank you!

Sisters' Indulgent Secret

Nice story, i like the turn it has between the sisters. Nice descriptions as well. Looks like you have a sequel to work on now.

 

[ellynei]

Well done actually. It's tasteful, has a good feel of believeable, and has a good flow.


I have some nitpicking:


You should read a brief guide on punctuation around dialogue, they aren't too hard to find online.

example:

"Now, let's get some self-indulgence on." Said Jessie.

Karen's head bowed, "I can't. My pussy's dry - I must be nervous"

should be:

"Now, let's get some self-indulgence on," said Jessie. ( notice: -- on," said )

Karen's head bowed. "I can't. My Pussy's dry - I must be nervous." (notice: -- bowed. "I -- and -- nervous." )



A few places the flowery language goes a bit overboard. It's probably a hard thing to balance, I wouldn't know, personally I can't write flowery at all...

example of a place it goes a bit awry ( in my personal amateur-opinion):

"Her hair moved like satin flowing from a long branch that shuddered in the ecstasy of her sister's rushing passion."

Basically, this sentence just isn't working. I tried to think up a version of it that would sorta work but... I'm not good at flowery!

"Karen shuddered with ecstasy, responding to her sister's passion. Her hair flowed like satin, following every movement."

Yeah... my example is too wordy... So, uhm, can't make a decent proposal for fix, can only point out that I think it needs a fix.



Btw, a word is missing somewhere in this sentence:

"Karen smiled back and laughed, her mouth aghast from her. And the tape shut off."


Like I said up top (before the nitpicking). It's tasteful, has a good feel of believeable, and has a good flow.

 

[ThinkerLover]

Wow, thank you for the excellent feedback! I will take that constructive criticism and apply it.

Does anyone see value in a sequel?

 

[Shinok87]

amazing story... take that feed back for sure... other than that.. its great!

http://dailywatersports.com/wakeboard/img/1377/v08x1130ycvs/teagan.gif

 

[ThinkerLover]

Sequel!

Well, I have nearly finished a sequel to Sisters' Indulgent Secret and will post it for review and publication this weekend. Hope you will all visit the link when it goes live and give your feedback.

THanks!

 

[ThinkerLover]

New Chapter!

Great news: the sequel finally published!

I think that there are about two more installments after this one but I love the way it turned out! Please read the story and contribute with your vote.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=396725&page=1