New to Domination & Rushing

[Mephistophelily]

We've been experimenting with a bedroom-only BDSM relationship for awhile now. He has been playing with more dominant things over the last few years, but lately, he's been "bringing it up a few notches". He wants to take it a bit further, but is a little afraid of hurting me. We do have a safe word, something that would definitely catch his attention (I would only be yelling Silent Bob if there was truly a problem), but he seems to rush things to keep from getting too controlling. We maybe spend about half an hour in the bedroom.

He's developed a love for breath play in the last few months, and I think maybe that's why he's leery... Hard for me to use our safety if I'm about to pass out. Ever since he started putting his hands against my neck, he's been keeping our play time short. We tried talking about it, but he keeps saying he's not sure what's up. He wants to be more aggressive, as he's been using rougher sex as a way to vent his frustrations from work where his "underlings" ignore him constantly. The fact he has someone submissive at home helps calm him down while at work, but he rarely takes advantage of it.

He wanted to find a way to creep into a more dominant role without going too far too fast, but still be able to control himself enough to play longer than we have been. He's gotten me a bedroom collar and leash, and just seeing those brings out another side to him. He has bought a few toys, but rarely uses them. He said he's had lots of fantasies and ideas come to mind, but is hesitant on trying to flesh them out. I've told him I'm more than happy to do anything that he might ponder, and that's why we have a safe word- if he scares me, I'll use it.

How can I help him slow down and enjoy himself; to have some fun and get those frustrations out?

 

[BlueEyesEternal]

Have you thought about setting up a schedule? Set aside certain lenghts of playtime on certain days so that things stay under control. Graduly increase the playtime so he's forced to come up with new things to try and gets a few excuses to dust off those idle toys

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Breathplay is very risky and something that should be carried out by a reasonably calm and collected dominant - not a guy venting his petty frustrations at you. Safer techniques are to cover the mouth and nose rather than choke as this eliminates the risk to the delicate structure of the neck. Another tip is to hold something in your hand (Master and I have purloined a ball with a bell in it from the cat) so that if you become faint, you drop the ball and he knows to stop. You should never do breathplay while restrained and unable to signal, it's a huge risk.

These threads on breathplay might prove interesting reading.

I may be reading your post wrong but the fact that your guy buys these things and then rarely takes advantage of your submission suggests to me that he's not all that confident about his ability to keep things safe. If there is a risk he might go to far, it can be very seductive, passion like that but if it is a real risk then he is wise to be reluctant.

I'm sorry I can't give advice on how to slow him down, hopefully some domly types will stop by and talk more about how they cooled their hot heads. (heads, not cocks ) Master has always been good at regulating himself and avoiding play when he's angry or stressed.

 

[Mephistophelily]

Thanks for the advice, both on here and PM'ed.

He and I talked a bit more today; got a few things out that both felt needed to be brought up. He really wants to take things a bit further... He likes to know he has the control, but at the same time, when he hears "Ow" or "No", that lil angel on his shoulder starts yelling at him that what he's doing is bad. He's trying to make that little bugger realize that there's nothing wrong, but it still manages to get the better of him. That's where the most trouble seems to be, I suppose. He was raised with vaues to never hurt a woman, but he also enjoys domination. Conflicting ideas in the brain... Even the safe word in place doesn't do enough to make his conscience keep out of it.

Breath play doesn't happen when he's angry... In fact, it happens when he's actually in his best of moods; when he has most control of himself. Sorry if that came off the wrong way in my first post.

We already have special times set for play, but haven't actually talked about him trying to "improv script" it, if that makes sense. Plotting out a basic idea of what may be fun to do, but still letting whatever happens from that take place. That was brought up earlier, and he said he'd think about it. He just smiled when I first brought up the fact he seemed rushed, saying "Well, I'm sorry, I just like sex."

 

[CutieMouse]

Thanks for the advice, both on here and PM'ed.

He and I talked a bit more today; got a few things out that both felt needed to be brought up. He really wants to take things a bit further... He likes to know he has the control, but at the same time, when he hears "Ow" or "No", that lil angel on his shoulder starts yelling at him that what he's doing is bad. He's trying to make that little bugger realize that there's nothing wrong, but it still manages to get the better of him. That's where the most trouble seems to be, I suppose. He was raised with vaues to never hurt a woman, but he also enjoys domination. Conflicting ideas in the brain... Even the safe word in place doesn't do enough to make his conscience keep out of it.

This old thread might be of interest to him. A lot of dominant men/sadists struggle with their desires vs. values.

 

[Mephistophelily]

Thanks for that, Mouse.

I found a number of things in there that seem to fit the description of him, and helped me understand the conflict he's having. Hopefully the trip we're about to take this week will give us a chance to talk this over a bit more... and now I have something to encourage him.

It also helped me understand why I enjoy him dominating me so much. Between aspects of my youth, things that naturally intrigue me, and how happy it makes him to take control... Yeah. That all really makes sense.

The part about my youth, though... That makes me question myself; why do I enjoy this, why do I want it so badly... May have to do some searching around to see if there's a thread about this already. Now its something that'll be on my mind for awhile.

 

[CutieMouse]

Thanks for that, Mouse.

I found a number of things in there that seem to fit the description of him, and helped me understand the conflict he's having. Hopefully the trip we're about to take this week will give us a chance to talk this over a bit more... and now I have something to encourage him.

It also helped me understand why I enjoy him dominating me so much. Between aspects of my youth, things that naturally intrigue me, and how happy it makes him to take control... Yeah. That all really makes sense.

The part about my youth, though... That makes me question myself; why do I enjoy this, why do I want it so badly... May have to do some searching around to see if there's a thread about this already. Now its something that'll be on my mind for awhile.

A lot of people ask why... especially if they have less than ideal childhoods/"issues"/etc. Personal opinion - we are what we are. I could make an argument that things from my youth impacted how I am today, or point a finger at XYZ incident, but it doesn't change that I am who I am.

Am I at peace with myself? Yes.
Do I like the person I am? Yes.
Am I proud of who I've become? Yes.

That's what's important - not the stuff in my past which may or may not have caused me to be what I am [a submissive masochist].

 

[Mephistophelily]

Oh, I understand that. There's no way to change the past, nor would I want to. I'm pretty comfortable with who I am now, and where I've come in life.

Just one of those things that like to meander into my mind at night.
As he says, I think too much. My brain needs an off switch.

 

[rida]

Thanks for that, Mouse.

I found a number of things in there that seem to fit the description of him, and helped me understand the conflict he's having. Hopefully the trip we're about to take this week will give us a chance to talk this over a bit more... and now I have something to encourage him.

It also helped me understand why I enjoy him dominating me so much. Between aspects of my youth, things that naturally intrigue me, and how happy it makes him to take control... Yeah. That all really makes sense.

The part about my youth, though... That makes me question myself; why do I enjoy this, why do I want it so badly... May have to do some searching around to see if there's a thread about this already. Now its something that'll be on my mind for awhile.

The Sadist Psyche thread is a great thread, with a lot of insight for both sides of the whip.

As for why you like it and the connections with your youth ... well, there might or might not be any.

I, for one, am somebody that cannot claim an abusive or harsh childhood. I was not exposed to inappropriate behaviors nor have anything else that could be seen as a trigger. It still puzzles my mind that I am willing to let someone hurt and Dominate me. At the moment I'm leaving the question answered by: it makes me happy. (now what that "it" is, is another can of worms so I'm not touching it).


Now, back to the OOP (original opening post):

Hubby too has suddenly upped the game. Not in a physical sense, but more in a mental way: he used to use more implements (never being into impact play thou) and more complicated ties and plays while now he limits himself to clamps and pins and just loves to push me mentally to the place just before I break down. A consequence is that play is shorter than used to be, but more frequent and more intense (and also less focused on my pleasure and totally on his).

He used to let me know in advance if he was going to play with me. Now, I never know when I am entering the bedroom at night if I'll be allowed to sleep or he has other plans for me.

Before this recent development thou, he went through a rut where he would stop the play as soon as I'd stop smiling and showed even a single tear. He had to work it out in his mind that I had a safeword for a reason and I was not going to hide the pain or discomfort (not that I could) to make him feel better. Now I could scream and he would only order me to smile instead.

(For a little background ... it took him 8 years before mentioning anything about BDSM and it took me 2 more years to let him try and few more to get where we are. Social conditioning are hard to break)

 

[rida]

I think too much. My brain needs an off switch.

If you find one, please let me know as I need one or two myself

 

[Mephistophelily]

Hmm, I might have to check that thread out...

Before this recent development thou, he went through a rut where he would stop the play as soon as I'd stop smiling and showed even a single tear. He had to work it out in his mind that I had a safeword for a reason and I was not going to hide the pain or discomfort (not that I could) to make him feel better. Now I could scream and he would only order me to smile instead.

(For a little background ... it took him 8 years before mentioning anything about BDSM and it took me 2 more years to let him try and few more to get where we are. Social conditioning are hard to break)

...I'm doing that nodding-while-reading thing again...

We've been together for nearly ten years, BDSM crept in at around year 6. I was the one to bring up the subject, and thanks to a friend of his with more porn than the porno shop, he was getting videos on the subject and found aspects he wanted to try. Some things he can do without a second thought; others, he balks after trying. It took almost 2 years in experimenting stage before he even thought about bringing a whip home.

He has some nights where he really gets into it and lets go, only to ask questions afterward (the first being "I didn't hurt you, right?"). I'm really hoping for him to get over that! If I had a problem, I would have let you know during...

 

[CutieMouse]

If you find one, please let me know as I need one or two myself

You and me both.

 

[Puman]

You and me both.

May I suggest meditation? 15 minutes of "still and nothing" time every day works wonders for me. I find my mind functions far better a re-boot like that... even better than sleep.

 

[CutieMouse]

May I suggest meditation? 15 minutes of "still and nothing" time every day works wonders for me. I find my mind functions far better a re-boot like that... even better than sleep.

I had this conversation with a co-worker earlier today. LOL

I don't meditate. It makes me want to crawl out of my skin screaming. Too vulnerable, too exposed, too unaccomplished, too time-wasting, too much quiet space for the voices in my head to reach a fevered pitch... I also hate yoga.

Put me on my knees with a bucket of soapy water, a scrub brush, and hardwood floor - golden, peaceful, centered, balanced.

(Co-worker's reaction to that - OMG what are you, a masochist? I just chuckled and shrugged my shoulders.)

 

[Mephistophelily]

Probably a terrible thing to be doing, but it works for me....
I sit in bed and pull my hair rhythmically for about half an hour.

Long, combing tugs all the way down a handful of strands.

Puts my mind elsewhere.

 

[rida]

May I suggest meditation? 15 minutes of "still and nothing" time every day works wonders for me. I find my mind functions far better a re-boot like that... even better than sleep.

Oh, I know.

If only I could silent my mind for that long. LOL.

Too bad that the thing that seems to work the best I cannot do it on my own ...

 

[rida]

....
We've been together for nearly ten years, BDSM crept in at around year 6. I was the one to bring up the subject, and thanks to a friend of his with more porn than the porno shop, he was getting videos on the subject and found aspects he wanted to try. Some things he can do without a second thought; others, he balks after trying. It took almost 2 years in experimenting stage before he even thought about bringing a whip home.

He has some nights where he really gets into it and lets go, only to ask questions afterward (the first being "I didn't hurt you, right?"). I'm really hoping for him to get over that! If I had a problem, I would have let you know during...

Hubby is the one that introduced into our marriage and yet I am the one that run with it. Once I accepted and embraced my submissive nature.

One of the things that helped Hubby get over some of his own mental hang ups, is that I have started seeing a Sadist on the side. Hubby sees me come home, bruised and happy, and gets to hear the story. It gave him a chance to both accept that what he wants is OK (after all there is indeed someone else that does it too) and to understand that he does not particularly care for certain physical expression of Dominance but prefers others (giving me bruises does nothing for him).

That being said, we also had a big incident not long ago involving our safeword. We choose the most basic and simple stop light system ... and never thought about checking what each color meant for us. Needle to say it caused a lot of angst and hurt but also a lot more talking and communication so that now he knows what are the dangerous triggers when it comes to me with his new way of playing and I know what are his new goals and enjoyments as well.

 

[EmeliaBell]

Hmm, I might have to check that thread out...




...I'm doing that nodding-while-reading thing again...

We've been together for nearly ten years, BDSM crept in at around year 6. I was the one to bring up the subject, and thanks to a friend of his with more porn than the porno shop, he was getting videos on the subject and found aspects he wanted to try. Some things he can do without a second thought; others, he balks after trying. It took almost 2 years in experimenting stage before he even thought about bringing a whip home.

He has some nights where he really gets into it and lets go, only to ask questions afterward (the first being "I didn't hurt you, right?"). I'm really hoping for him to get over that! If I had a problem, I would have let you know during...

Been with my husband for four years and I just brought this up at the weekend. It's something that I've always had leanings towards, but they're getting stronger. I've written him a letter to try and explain more, but I can see that 2 things worry him particularly - 1 - he doesn't want to hurt me and -2- he's worried that he'll have to be dominant every single time we fuck. I'm trying to reassure him, but since I long for him to take control it's a bit awkward to be explaining it all to him.
It's reassuring that, eventually, he may grow into the role himself.

~E~

 

[Mephistophelily]

He found this thread.

I didn't know it until the other night...
I mentioned over the weekend that I had posted it, but didn't expect him to actually read it.

The other night was, ahem.... Different.
He seems to have found a way to tap into his other side, that's for certain.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I thought this had something to do with a dominant fraternity

"delta omega mu" or something