New to BDSM

[ccshadow0912]

My girlfriend and I are fairly new to this life style. We have decided to do the 24/7 lifestyle. She is the domme and me the sub. We are in two very different colleges and wondered if someone had ideas to help. we do have webcams. Anything you can tell me about when we are in college will be great.
Also i was wondering if you had suggestions for when i am with her during breaks. As well as some for things we can do in hotel rooms since i will be going down there and staying with her during my spring break and just chilling in the hotel while she is in class. again any suggestions at any level of bdsm are welcome.

 

[twysted73]

My girlfriend and I are fairly new to this life style. We have decided to do the 24/7 lifestyle. She is the domme and me the sub. We are in two very different colleges and wondered if someone had ideas to help. we do have webcams. Anything you can tell me about when we are in college will be great.
Also i was wondering if you had suggestions for when i am with her during breaks. As well as some for things we can do in hotel rooms since i will be going down there and staying with her during my spring break and just chilling in the hotel while she is in class. again any suggestions at any level of bdsm are welcome.

go slow. learn as much as you can. Mke sure you both secretly enjoy your roles. so many newbs have split because one partner reeeeallly wants the other's spot and just ends up resenting it.
So, communication is a MUST.

Safe words are good. So is a check list of things you enjoy and don't so you have a loose set of boundries to cross and not to be crossed.

Don't rush in. Take it slow. Most of the people who do this have been doing this for a while now.
(definitely over a year!)

BDSM 101 - Jay Weissman for you both to look through.
As for activities, why not start with trust and let her tie you up and blindfold you.
Once she realizes she can own you through your sex, stick a fork in you.
Read through these boards and into the library stories for ideas.

Good luck. Be safe.

 

[subwannabe]

How much is she into this? It seems like if she were the dom and you were the sub the ball is more in her court as to how it is all going to work out. You could have some conversations about how far each of you is willing to go. You could each make two lists out. You could make a list out for the things you were willing to do and the things you would not do and she could do the same and then compare notes. Of course this would only be a starting point as it is human nature not to put everything down on the list. Don't forget about a mutual safeword.

 

[ccshadow0912]

we have done that, and she is very into this. She and i just hit a kinda wall if you want to call it that. she has tied me up and blindfolded me as well as ear plugs, and loved it as do i. she also limits the amounts of time i can cum as well as having to ask every time. thats about it. The reason i'm asking and not her is b/c she wanted me to find out and she does not like posting on things like this where as i have no problem putting out all my information for people.

 

[ccshadow0912]

i guess, its more or less thinking ahead. But yea, i might get a reward if i do well. if not then at least we know something new about the lifestyle

 

[Etoile]

Lordy, I have enough homework of my own, heaven help doing someone else's! But I'll give it a shot.

You say you want to live 24/7 committed to her. This IS possible long-distance, but it's extremely difficult. Are you prepared to be at her beck and call at all times? If she texts you and says "go to your room and masturbate" will you do that, even if you are in class? If she says "skip class and come talk to me on webcam" will you do that? If she tells you what to eat, will you obey, or will you get whatever you want, and maybe tell her about it but maybe not? If she sends you her homework and tells you to do it for her, will you do it? (Keep in mind that probably violates academic integrity at both schools, so consider that one carefully.) If she tells you to buy a buttplug and wear it inside your briefs all day, will that be okay with you? 24/7 means doing what she wants, when she wants, and putting your own needs, interests, and preferences secondary.

If you're not looking for this type of thing, I would back down from the 24/7 TPE. This means you'll want to talk with her about limits - she can't ask you to skip class, she can't interfere with your homework time, etc. As a student myself (albeit a married one), I would personally suggest balancing your school and BDSM responsibilities very carefully. If you really want to serve her, and do whatever, whenever, that's up to you. But make sure you know what you're okay with before jumping in with both feet.

On that note, I have a paper about female bodybuilders to write...

 

[ccshadow0912]

we do have limits but i'd be up for all that without a problem. school and me don't get along as is and probably won't be able to stay here next semester anyways. but thank you so much.

 

[subwannabe]

Just some words of advice - college can get you a better job, making more money for the rest of your life (and you can have sex toooooo!) but giving up school to be in a 24/7 bdsm relationship isn't going to get you anywhere in the long run. Your girlfriend will eventually feel you are a loser and you won't have her anymore and most women who would put you in 24/7 bdsm relationship wouldn't want a loser either. Do you really want to flip hamburgers for the rest of your life? In the end you will be living a paycheck to paycheck kind of life and you won't have the type of relationship you want either. I don't mean to be condescending but you are at a crossroads in your life right now. Which road are you going to choose?

 

[ccshadow0912]

money, i'm not worried about, 1) if i leave this college that does not mean that i'm going to go away from college just this one, its one of the hardest colleges here. 2) i have a job currently that is a family owned that pays very well. college will only allow me to take over someone else's job in the next 2 years. other than that i'm not worried but thanks for the concern.

 

[Etoile]

If you drop out of college, you WILL regret it later.

I regretted it for 10 years before I went back.

 

[ccshadow0912]

why is everyone thinking that i'm talking about dropping out, just b/c i say money isn't a problem doesn't mean i'm not going to go to college, just not this one. and thats if i can't maintain grades here.

 

[BiBunny]

why is everyone thinking that i'm talking about dropping out, just b/c i say money isn't a problem doesn't mean i'm not going to go to college, just not this one. and thats if i can't maintain grades here.

They're saying that you need to be more worried about maintaining grades than maintaining a 24/7 long-distance BDSM relationship in which neither party has much experience. *Sigh*

 

[ccshadow0912]

ok i get that but A its my life, and B its not my question. if i don't get a diploma from here. w/e, you know i'm fine with a lower level college so no one else has the right to judge. i had a question and if people start thinking they know what's best for me when they don't know me is not what i'm asking. Please all i'm asking is for people to stay on topic

 

[Etoile]

I still think jumping into 24/7 TPE is a little hasty, but whatever. You're going to do what you want anyway.

 

[Harmony_1985]

Find a local munch.

I went to my first one last night and I learnt so much.

 

[myinnerslut]

I still think jumping into 24/7 TPE is a little hasty, but whatever. You're going to do what you want anyway.

as do i. i did it after a month of being with Master as a sub (and months of communication prior to submitting, as well as over 2 years D/s experience with somebody else) and a lot of people thought THAT was too hasty.

24/7 means always. every day. every second. it means you dont get to slip out of "slave". it means you cant let your other priorities ever be more important. you want to go to a club meeting? only if she is ok with it. you want to go watch a movie with friends? only if it is allright by your domme.

24/7 means outside of school. it means while you work. it means in front of your parents. it means while your at your family reunion. it means that no matter who you are with she can have you do, say, or wear anything she wants for no reason other then she wants to.

it means the sexy things and the every day things. it means cleaning up the house, getting her a glass of water, watching tv shows you think are stupid because she likes them. it means helping with her work, missing things you want to do, cooking dinner.

TPE means you can't say no. you have no right to unless she gives you the right to. she can beat you, or just as easily she can ignore you. she can tell you to fuck another guy for her enjoyment. she can decide that she wants to fuck another guy without you. or tell you about it. or make you watch. she can cut her initial into your thigh, a permanent mark on your body.

how do you feel about being peed on? thrown up on? cut? set on fire? having your hair cut? having needles stuck through your back? being hurt far past the point where it is pleasurable? TPE means her limits are your limits and if she has no limits in that area, neither do you.

im not saying all of this will happen, just that it could in a 24/7 TPE. contrary to a lot of peoples inital thoughts, that is not the only way to be. if its not right for you, there are many many people happy as D/s that isnt 24/7. if TPE is right for you thn more power too you, but please dont rush into it until you have considered all the potential it has, good and bad.

 

[Homburg]

ok i get that but A its my life, and B its not my question. if i don't get a diploma from here. w/e, you know i'm fine with a lower level college so no one else has the right to judge. i had a question and if people start thinking they know what's best for me when they don't know me is not what i'm asking. Please all i'm asking is for people to stay on topic

Hi there. Not going to comment on things to do, as other people have given advice there. Just going to explain why you have people giving you advice on issues surrounding your question, as opposed to just addressing your question. These reasons may well not be valid in your case, but the folks who have been in this for a while have seen it happen time and again.

The big reason you are seeing some of this, and probably feeling like your judgement is being called into question, is something called "Sub frenzy". Sub frenzy is that period that most submissives go through when they first figure out that they're submissive, that there are other people out there like this, and that they might just have found someone who will do to them the nasty thing that they dream about. It is a nigh-obssessive period of time when the submissive will devour anything that feeds those fantasies, and frequently make poor choices regarding what they do and who they do it with.

A lot of folks here have either seen sub frenzy in action, or have gone through it themselves. They are showing good natured concern for you, as you might be going through that. You also might not, or have gone through it before, but please understand that this is likely what people are thinking.

As for me, I completely understand leaving a college that is not a good fit for you. I did it myself. So long as you are leaving that school because it is a poor fit, and not leaving a good school just because you want to be closer to your domme, you are probably making a healthy decision.

As to 24/7, well, other folks have covered that quite well. If you go that route, I wish you luck, as it can be fucking tough. Keep your wits about you and realise that people here are just trying to help, not question your judgement or tell you what to do.

 

[ccshadow0912]

thank you so much, as for my name call me w/e, shadow is what most people call me. thank you so much for your ideas

 

[ccshadow0912]

myinnerslut thank you. we do have limits and we are not total control. she puts school and family first, as well as my work. but thank you so much for your input and for the majority i'm ok with it, but i know her limits and we have set some as well. i guess using 24/7 might not have been the right words. but thank you so much

 

[ccshadow0912]

homburg, thank you so much as well. i would be leaving b/c its a not a right fit, and as for the sub frenzy, you are the first person to actually explain it. i will not argue that. like i stated we do have limits so i'mnot sure that 24/7 is the correct term to use. thanks for helping me out

 

[Homburg]

You're welcome, shadow. I wish people would talk about Sub frenzy more, and Sub Drop as well (look up the phrase "sub drop" in the search function for a great thread on it).

 

[intothewoods]

Find a local munch.

I went to my first one last night and I learnt so much.

I totally agree with this advice. I know some people aren't into the public scene, but if you can find a group of friends to ask questions, blow off steam with, learn from, etc., it's a great thing.

In terms of balancing anything with whatever 24-7 means to you, it helps to communicate with your PYL about your priorities. It's helpful if you share those priorities and share similar ideas about what you are looking for in a relationship. Good luck. Take your time.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Just because a relationship is 24/7 doesn't automatically mean it is a TPE or M/s relationship.

You can do 24/7 with whatever limits you both decide if you will be D/s. Also you know your girlfriend. I assume you know what she is into a what she isn't into. You can have a less intense, less demanding relationship to begin with, and it will still be a 24/7 D/s relationship.

 

[Etoile]

Just because a relationship is 24/7 doesn't automatically mean it is a TPE or M/s relationship.

You can do 24/7 with whatever limits you both decide if you will be D/s. Also you know your girlfriend. I assume you know what she is into a what she isn't into. You can have a less intense, less demanding relationship to begin with, and it will still be a 24/7 D/s relationship.

I'm not sure if I agree or not. I'm thinking about it, and I can understand where you're coming from, for sure. But what I'm thinking is that if someone is 24/7, that means they are committed 24/7. At no time do they get to take a break and say "hey, I don't like this anymore, let's do something else" - while there can be established limits, being 24/7 means it's up to the dominant partner to follow them. If they change their mind, and decide to do something a little wacky, does the submissive partner get to stop and say "hey that wasn't what we agreed on" or do they continue their 24/7 submission and follow whatever the dominant wants them to do?

I guess what I mean is that I don't see where safewords fit into a 24/7 relationship. And if there are no safewords, it's effectively TPE...the dominant is always in control of everything. I'm open to discussion on the matter though, because it has me kind of confused and pondering.

 

[ccshadow0912]

thank you very much you were very helpful in h explaining things, and i do know her and her me b/c we have been dating a lot longer than this.