What Would You Do
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Macdaddy23
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I don't see how your husband couldn't want such a beautiful and intelligent lady. Take it day by day. You don't know what will happen. You just have to be patient which sucks.
Macdaddy23
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My pleasure
deliverer
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I would consider how all of this would affect my child.
I would not consider how I would feel without my child in my life, but how my child would feel without me in it's life, and all of the things my child would be exposed to as a result of that.
Having an affair, in this case, wouldn't be a moral decision for me, but I would only be concerned about being caught, and where that would lead.
It would be better just to leave on solid ground, than to risk being caught and making the situation worse for everyone, especially the child.
I believe one has to look out for one's own happiness, but I know that my child's happiness and emotional state is directly connected to my happiness. I have a giagantic conscience and could never be free if I knew my child was hurting, and possible being damaged emotionally.
I would stay in the relationship, focusing on loving my child, but still trying to stimulate myself in every way I can.
I would not risk an affair with my friend whom I am so attracted, because that WOULD eventually come out in the light, I am sure.
There are ways I could stimulate myself intellectually, and sexually. I would just have to search for those knowing that a deep, meaninful, sexual relationship with another person just isn't possible at this time.
I would put the thought of having that behind me as soon as I could.
When the time is right for that, I know I could find it.
I would not consider how I would feel without my child in my life, but how my child would feel without me in it's life, and all of the things my child would be exposed to as a result of that.
Having an affair, in this case, wouldn't be a moral decision for me, but I would only be concerned about being caught, and where that would lead.
It would be better just to leave on solid ground, than to risk being caught and making the situation worse for everyone, especially the child.
I believe one has to look out for one's own happiness, but I know that my child's happiness and emotional state is directly connected to my happiness. I have a giagantic conscience and could never be free if I knew my child was hurting, and possible being damaged emotionally.
I would stay in the relationship, focusing on loving my child, but still trying to stimulate myself in every way I can.
I would not risk an affair with my friend whom I am so attracted, because that WOULD eventually come out in the light, I am sure.
There are ways I could stimulate myself intellectually, and sexually. I would just have to search for those knowing that a deep, meaninful, sexual relationship with another person just isn't possible at this time.
I would put the thought of having that behind me as soon as I could.
When the time is right for that, I know I could find it.
ReadyOne
Ready to Rock!
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First, prepare for possible divorce. Finances, lawyer, etc. The one who files first is in a much better position in many locales.
Second, negotiate.
Explain where you're coming from (relationship is null), what your options are (being persued by intense heat), and ask for a re-evaluation of the current relationship limits.
Second, negotiate.
Explain where you're coming from (relationship is null), what your options are (being persued by intense heat), and ask for a re-evaluation of the current relationship limits.
mattyformature
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i am in a similar situation...
and you always here people say its better for the kids etc. if you are divorced and not fighting etc. But to me, knowing that i wasnt around to say good night to my kids every night is the hard part. If I didnt have my kids, I would have been gone long ago... but I do.. and they are the most important thing in my life.. and I feel and others will back me up.. that I am the better parent. But we all know the dad never gets custody... so its real tough. Its also tough to know that you are in a loveless marriage, sexually, emotianally etc. and that you need to also do for yourself but know that the consequences could be truly damaging. I wish you luck in your pilgramige... and would love to know how it works out..
Ciao for now..
and you always here people say its better for the kids etc. if you are divorced and not fighting etc. But to me, knowing that i wasnt around to say good night to my kids every night is the hard part. If I didnt have my kids, I would have been gone long ago... but I do.. and they are the most important thing in my life.. and I feel and others will back me up.. that I am the better parent. But we all know the dad never gets custody... so its real tough. Its also tough to know that you are in a loveless marriage, sexually, emotianally etc. and that you need to also do for yourself but know that the consequences could be truly damaging. I wish you luck in your pilgramige... and would love to know how it works out..
Ciao for now..
cadman7777
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Hey Kat....it's been awhile
.....***** is difficult for sure. In a world where most people are pretty selfish and would only look out for themselves the responsibility for the parents is to do what is best for the child.
It's easy to make the decision but difficult to go through....You know that I've done it and am continuing and my children are 19-26 and the relationship I have with them is unbelievable.
My relationship has gone through periods like you describe but also periods where it's better.
Is communication totally lost on both sides? Is he against any type of counseling to improve the relationship?
When the child gets older and has a better understanding of things it actually may be easier than now to split up as he will see how things are going and wonder why.
In the mean time if you need to vent you know where you can go.
Talk to you later babydoll
.....***** is difficult for sure. In a world where most people are pretty selfish and would only look out for themselves the responsibility for the parents is to do what is best for the child.
It's easy to make the decision but difficult to go through....You know that I've done it and am continuing and my children are 19-26 and the relationship I have with them is unbelievable.
My relationship has gone through periods like you describe but also periods where it's better.
Is communication totally lost on both sides? Is he against any type of counseling to improve the relationship?
When the child gets older and has a better understanding of things it actually may be easier than now to split up as he will see how things are going and wonder why.
In the mean time if you need to vent you know where you can go.
Talk to you later babydoll
bothworldslover
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something to think about
good question your children are very important thats for sure,but you also are intitled to a life and what you have said isn't much of a life,have your sex but keep it quiet if thats the way you want to go,sex is important it lets us let go of all our troubles,even for a fraction of time,have your fun,you earned it,you can still lead a simi-normal life married but sex with someone other than your husband,your husband shut you off you shouldn't shut your door,have your fun keep it private but both parties must agree on this ,don'tget involved sex only-----live your life------------------bothworldslover(susan)
good question your children are very important thats for sure,but you also are intitled to a life and what you have said isn't much of a life,have your sex but keep it quiet if thats the way you want to go,sex is important it lets us let go of all our troubles,even for a fraction of time,have your fun,you earned it,you can still lead a simi-normal life married but sex with someone other than your husband,your husband shut you off you shouldn't shut your door,have your fun keep it private but both parties must agree on this ,don'tget involved sex only-----live your life------------------bothworldslover(susan)
ShyGuy68
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I agree with that.
The last couple of years my parents were married, they stayed together because of mostly me, because my sister had moved out. Since then I've always thought it was the wrong reason to stay together, since a kid is better off with 2 happy parents, instead off 2 miserable parents.
One of the best gifts a parent can give a child is a positive example. It's important for children to see their parents in healthy, loving relationships. They need to see a relationship where both parents not only love the child, but also love each other. If that loving relationship is truly lost, get out before you start a new relationship.
cadman7777
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Jackotheshadows
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Knowing when to get off the merry-go-round is the hardest decision to make. I spent a year deciding if things were worth salvaging or not, and ultimately, not. And previous posters are right, children do not benefit from parents staying together "for the sake of the children". Having grown up in a household where the folks should have split, but didn't, it's not fun and kids tend to notice and absorb *everything* going on between the adults.
That said, do some research on the statutes in your state regarding divorce and custody. In most states, residential custody is almost always granted to the mother, with both parents getting joint legal custody. I don't know the particulars, but for a mother to lose custody completely, she has to be proven completely unfit (chronic substance abuse, multiple arrests, etc.). Unfortunately, that doesn't stop spouses from throwing all sorts of crap into public view during a divorce. Good attorneys can mitigate a lot of that, though.
You also need to do some focused soul searching. Realistically, is this other person going to stick it out through a most likely messy divorce? Are you prepared for your child to meet this person, and have them involved at some level in each others' lives? How much can you afford to sacrifice in your life now, to achieve the freedom to be with this other person?
I wish you much luck!
That said, do some research on the statutes in your state regarding divorce and custody. In most states, residential custody is almost always granted to the mother, with both parents getting joint legal custody. I don't know the particulars, but for a mother to lose custody completely, she has to be proven completely unfit (chronic substance abuse, multiple arrests, etc.). Unfortunately, that doesn't stop spouses from throwing all sorts of crap into public view during a divorce. Good attorneys can mitigate a lot of that, though.
You also need to do some focused soul searching. Realistically, is this other person going to stick it out through a most likely messy divorce? Are you prepared for your child to meet this person, and have them involved at some level in each others' lives? How much can you afford to sacrifice in your life now, to achieve the freedom to be with this other person?
I wish you much luck!
yogiforlife
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I know one of the things you're not looking for is sympathy, but I feel for you. Some of what you describe definately sounds familiar in this day and age. As a mother you are forced to put your childs happiness first, then yours second. I've spent most of life living in fear of being in the exact same situation. Unfortunately, when you hide from one thing, you end up missing out on the things that make life worth living
Pinktacokitty
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I really do not know what I would do, but I do know what I would not do. I would not give in to anyone, I would continue to fight. No matter what happiness might be in this case I would fight for what I decided was best for me and my child.
CoolidgEffect
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I am not familiar with you... or your friend so I'm not reading between any lines. So the following is hypothetical.
1) How is your current relationship with your husband affecting your child? Maybe the current atmosphere is hurting your child more that a seperation will. Maybe during the separation more harm will come to your child. (read Divorce Poison by Richard A. Warshak)
2) How is the ongoing extramarital flirtation coloring your view of your marriage? Is your heart honestly open to healing the marriage?
3) Any decision you make, your personal health, mental and physical is the most important consideration. Your child will grow up eitherway. (yeah that's harsh but true)
4) Any decision you make, don't count on the Serious Flirtation being there for you. When the shit hits the fan, you will find out who the shits are... I guarentee the soon-to-be-ex will be a shit but there might be others.
5) Don't count on the court to protect you.
6) custody battles cost money.
I have personal experience with many of these issues. I won't post them in public, but you are welcome to PM.
1) How is your current relationship with your husband affecting your child? Maybe the current atmosphere is hurting your child more that a seperation will. Maybe during the separation more harm will come to your child. (read Divorce Poison by Richard A. Warshak)
2) How is the ongoing extramarital flirtation coloring your view of your marriage? Is your heart honestly open to healing the marriage?
3) Any decision you make, your personal health, mental and physical is the most important consideration. Your child will grow up eitherway. (yeah that's harsh but true)
4) Any decision you make, don't count on the Serious Flirtation being there for you. When the shit hits the fan, you will find out who the shits are... I guarentee the soon-to-be-ex will be a shit but there might be others.
5) Don't count on the court to protect you.
6) custody battles cost money.
I have personal experience with many of these issues. I won't post them in public, but you are welcome to PM.
knockedupkrissy
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I think the question is CAN you really stick it out another 12 yrs ?
You tell yourself you can "hang in there" for someone else's sake, and have every intention of it at the time, but the longer things go, the more it gets to you.
Even if you get the person you're flirting with now out of your life there will be others, and if one day you give into that, and are found out, you could end up divorced/in a custody battle/etc. anyway. And have even less control over the situation than if you initiate things yourself, plan ahead, etc.
You tell yourself you can "hang in there" for someone else's sake, and have every intention of it at the time, but the longer things go, the more it gets to you.
Even if you get the person you're flirting with now out of your life there will be others, and if one day you give into that, and are found out, you could end up divorced/in a custody battle/etc. anyway. And have even less control over the situation than if you initiate things yourself, plan ahead, etc.
Like many have said, my parents also stayed together for the kids. And honestly, I didn't always know what was going on, but I never felt like we were a good family. It seriously affected both myself and my older brother, and kids usually pick up on emotions and coversations and remember them very well.
I'd say you're not doing yourself or your child a favour by staying in a toxic marriage.
I'd say you're not doing yourself or your child a favour by staying in a toxic marriage.
coffeelover5
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It is always a shame
Something else that is important to remember and I speak for myself here only. My marriage was simular in some ways, I worked, she worked no kids in the marriage.
The simularities were as follows. The first sign of trouble was when we stopped caring enough to argue. Nothing mattered much to fight about. She went about planning her life and the wake up for me was when I was forced to transfer and she let me know that she wouldn't be going with me. our seperation was for a number of years because I was waiting for her to continue growing a set and make that happen. She didn't, I finally did.
Don't get me wrong, she is a nice human and in my flaued way so am I. I just didn't act like a good person much and I know that now.
However, emotionally I was bankrupt for years. The baggage still lurks in the darker corners of me.
In my current marriage things aren't always easy either, I just try to be patient and ride out the craziness.
I know this doesn't help, no ones' advice will. The decision is all yours and very difficult to make.
Love and support and kisses!
Something else that is important to remember and I speak for myself here only. My marriage was simular in some ways, I worked, she worked no kids in the marriage.
The simularities were as follows. The first sign of trouble was when we stopped caring enough to argue. Nothing mattered much to fight about. She went about planning her life and the wake up for me was when I was forced to transfer and she let me know that she wouldn't be going with me. our seperation was for a number of years because I was waiting for her to continue growing a set and make that happen. She didn't, I finally did.
Don't get me wrong, she is a nice human and in my flaued way so am I. I just didn't act like a good person much and I know that now.
However, emotionally I was bankrupt for years. The baggage still lurks in the darker corners of me.
In my current marriage things aren't always easy either, I just try to be patient and ride out the craziness.
I know this doesn't help, no ones' advice will. The decision is all yours and very difficult to make.
Love and support and kisses!
