Indignities of Clare & Coming of Age

[Guest]

I submitted the above mind control stories recently. I feel that they're good and hot; but then I would wouldn't I?

Anyone care to read and offer their comments?


http://www.literotica.com/stories/sh....php?id=390284

http://www.literotica.com/stories/sh....php?id=390283

 

[cloudy]

We're a lazy lot. You'll get more responses if you give us a link.

 

[Guest]

Okay, here's a couple of links to my stories, whish hopefully will work:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=390284

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=390283

Happy reading.

PV

 

[JackLuis]

Sick!

Okay, here's a couple of links to my stories, whish hopefully will work:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=390284

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=390283

Happy reading.

PV

-------------------------------
I found nothing erotic aboutt he first one.
I didn't read the second one.

 

[Guest]

I read enough of "Coming of Age" to know that you can write.

However, you gave us two lines of dialogue followed by 3,000 words of exposition. I'm not saying anything against your ability to write, but I'll never finish that story--I wasn't intrigued enough by your hook to wade through the exposition.

 

[KR]

I read the first.

The 'voice' is pretty well-written, a conversational memoire sort of voice, and it is consistent throughout. There are some grammatical errors and misspellings. You use 'taught' instead of 'taut', for example. The beginning was slow, and is more about creating the setting for the writer than it is for the reader. My personal preference is to get those sort of details as the story is read, in bits and pieces that we can put together ourselves, rather than have it served up to us. It is a common mistake in erotica. There isn't much that is erotic in talk of chemical companies, masonic lodges, etc. Much better to handle it in much the same way you handled what happened to the son (something humiliating that also involved pics, but nothing is explicitly mentioned). I have some experience with erotic hypnosis and the mind-control fetish and for that genre this is a pretty well plotted and written. Overall, a good story that could be better with some judicious editing. It is not to most people's tastes, I know, but within the mind control fetish community it should be very well received.