Newbie wants to know about BDSM :)

[muppiethesecond]

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[Zoots_owner]

I'll answer the two that I feel competent to reply to.

1. It seems to me that women tend to be submissive, and men dominant, is that right?
2. Only submission appeals to me, is it regular for somebody to be that exclusive? ie: no Bondage/Discipline/Sadism/Masochism.
ie: is it just me?

1. On average it might be true, but both kinds come in both genders. And then there are switches and people of ambiguous gender just to make it even more confusing.

2. It's not just you. BDSM is not monolithic. I've known submissives, and even a slave, who had medical conditions that made it impossible for them to be masochists, a few lashes with a single tail could put them in the hospital or kill them. It didn't make them any less submissive, they just weren't pain sluts. And everyone has their own preferences. Take the parts you like and skip the rest. Whether the woman you fancy will happen to share your tastes is uncertain. Finding a good match in a D/s relationship isn't necessarily any easier than it is in any other sort of relationship. It may be harder.

 

[muppiethesecond]

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[Hisscarlett]

I can only speak for myself and my experience. There are Dominant women, I know several, but in my experience they are not as common as Dominant men. I do know many more submissive women who have some switch or sadist tendencies, though they would identify mainly as submissive.

BDSM is a catch all phrase, with people taking what they want from it. Some people are purely Dominant, some are sadistic as well, some are purely into bondage, others enjoy giving pain once they have restrained their partner. Everyone is different and everyone needs to find for themselves what they need or want. There is no one set definition of a Dom/me or a sub/slave.

There are many terms; used to define how people identify. There are many variations, some are 24/7 lifestyle and some are play only. Some are Dom/me/Top and some are sub/slave/bottom. There are differences in all the terms, even in the terms Dom/me and Master/Mistress.

And, as I have found, there are differences in how people perceive those labels. Labels are not a definition of a person, they are just words used in an attempt to simplify things. Sometimes they do simplfy things, sometimes they make them more complicated.

It is an exciting and scary time for you, discovering yourself; I wish you well and hope you enjoy your journey.

 

[CutieMouse]

Thanks for the replies guys

I guess the lack of answers from fems pretty much answers my question about the demographic!

btw: Tops = Dominant Bottoms = Submissive, is that right? Or something more?

Lit is a pretty submissive/slave female heavy board to begin with, but yes there do seem to be fewer femdoms than male dominants, in general.

As to the Top/Bottom question - yes, sort of. Some put a finer point on it, in that a Top/bottom defined relationship is one in which person A submits to person B within a specific set of parameters (temporary play partners at a BDSM club, etc), and consider it to be different from a Dominant/submissive relationship (which is also viewed differently from a Master/slave relationship).

Around here we tend to use the generic PYL (Pick Your Label) for Dominants/Dommes/Masters/Tops/Etc and pyl (pick your label) for submissives/slaves/bottoms/etc. Saves typing that way.

1. It seems to me that women tend to be submissive, and men dominant, is that right?

From a social perspective, yes; however, there are just as people who are incredibly powerful men/women in everyday life, who are also submissive within the confines of their relationship.

2. Only submission appeals to me, is it regular for somebody to be that exclusive? ie: no Bondage/Discipline/Sadism/Masochism.
ie: is it just me?

Define "only submission" - service oriented? Sexual? Is it about your wants/needs/desires to submit, or Her? And are your views of male submission colored by porn/erotica, or actual examples of submission?

3. If there's any women who enjoy dominating, what can a guy do to indicate to you that's what he wants? I mean, it's not so easy for a guy to show he wants submission, it isn't exactly macho.

I'm afraid I'm not much help with "signals" to indicate an interest in submission (from a male perspective). I'm of the opinion that good manners, and attentiveness tend to be appreciated, though.

I can't imagine Netz or Shadowsdream suggesting genuine submission from a male partner to be not exactly macho... as disconcerting as it may sound, submission carries with it a hell of a lot of strength and power.

[/quote]
4. Again to the dominant women, what turns you on when you're with your sub?[/quote]

That depends on the woman, but [in general] whatever she likes. These things are still relationships, at heart, you know.

 

[Harmony_1985]

I never expected this, because in RL I'm quite controlling, I'm a perfectionist. So why do I want her to take control, hold me down, use me? Grrr!

That's quite typical of many submissives, and I'm the same.

I have OCD tendencies, I'm a neurotic perfectionist, I'm in control in my positions in my life, but yet the minute one of my guys calls (I'm poly lol) on me, I melt.

As to why its that way for you, you'll have to think about it, but I've found that mine comes down to 2 reasons. A) its a release for me to not have to worry about big responsibility and b) I find that I'm constantly trying to please people. I always have and I always will.

 

[muppiethesecond]

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[Hisscarlett]

muppiethesecond I remember feeling the same way. I was so lost and confused and found a site where I felt comfortable listening and reading and learning more, understanding myself and my need to be controlled. I met a Master on my first visit there who gradually took me under his mentorship.

That was a long time ago and we are living together now, married, a wonderful 24/7 TPE life. It happened for me when I didn't expect it. In fact, I had given up on ever being with someone, anyone, who could understand my needs.

I believe there is someone for everyone and when we have prepared ourselves, done all we need to do, that they will find us.

 

[muppiethesecond]

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[muppiethesecond]

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[muppiethesecond]

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[CutieMouse]

it's funny, my desire to submit to this girl, it isn't based on pornographic ideas of submission. I don't even watch BSDM porn or read the stories. I just really really want her to control me sexually, to pin me down and use me. I've never done this before, but just have this strong desire.

The bolded part above? Does she want your submission? 'Cause you can want it all you like, but if she's not into it, it ain't gonna work.

Explain to me how being submissive give you power, I don't get that? I mean, I want her to feel strong and powerful, not me.

Think outside the box; drop the traditional definitions of "power." Maybe I'm just a bit more Zen about it than most... I am a more complete, powerful, stable, stronger person for having embraced and come to peace with being submissive. Someone I trust might reduce me to a crying, humiliated, orgasmicly exhausted puddle of goo [*takes a moment to daydream and grin wickedly*], but that doesn't take anything away from who I am (in terms of strength, capability, power, yadayadayada).

 

[muppiethesecond]

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[Sqoodd]

I'm exactly the same! The thing is so strange, I'm one of the best at what I do, I'm considered a "go-to-person" if you need something sorted out, older guys see me as a rising star in the system and give me nods in the corridors.

I get a sense of accomplishment and power from controlling money and knowledge, from making changes that affect people. BUT I want to submit to this girl in the bedroom! For her I want to bend over! It's amazing!

I with you, muppiethesecond, right up to the last part. I get the same "sense of accomplishment and power" from my job, BUT (and it is a BIG BUT) I want to continue that at home with a female sub. I cannot think of anything my pleasant than working at a job I love and arriving home to find my sub there waiting.

 

[LC_Lancer]

Lit is a pretty submissive/slave female heavy board to begin with, ...

This is good to know.

 

[CutieMouse]

This is good to know.

Correction - the BDSM boards at Lit tend to be female submissive/slave heavy; the rest of the place, I'm guessing not so much.

 

[LC_Lancer]

Correction - the BDSM boards at Lit tend to be female submissive/slave heavy; the rest of the place, I'm guessing not so much.

Ok. That is good to know also, but I only wandered into this thread.


I had a chat with a member a few weeks ago, but some things "she" said didn’t sound right. So I decided to ask Literotica.
Here is the link: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=620169

 

[Sqoodd]

Correction - the BDSM boards at Lit tend to be female submissive/slave heavy; the rest of the place, I'm guessing not so much.

Ok I’m in the right place. I was looking for a female sub and, before Furry Fury gets on my case, I know this is not the personal thread.

I just wanted people to know.