Lost

[hunniebunny]

okay i wrote this and a beginner so advice would be great ty..


“LOST”

Today I felt my heart shatterd , as a broken glass would be on a window pane.
I sat here on my sofa wondering what life has became?

The emptness I feel inside has no explanations.
No tears left to shed , just heart ache and pain.
I tried to reach for you , but now its to late.
I gave you my heart you gave me your word
Now none of this is here to stay and remaine.
I hoped for happyness I received tears
I hoped there would be compashion I received fears.
I wanted forever , now I am lost .
I ask myself agian what do I see, I see lonelyness
Inside of me.

 

[goldsoundz]

okay i wrote this and a beginner so advice would be great ty..


“LOST”

Today I felt my heart shatterd , as a broken glass would be on a window pane.
I sat here on my sofa wondering what life has became?

The emptness I feel inside has no explanations.
No tears left to shed , just heart ache and pain.
I tried to reach for you , but now its to late.
I gave you my heart you gave me your word
Now none of this is here to stay and remaine.
I hoped for happyness I received tears
I hoped there would be compashion I received fears.
I wanted forever , now I am lost .
I ask myself agian what do I see, I see lonelyness
Inside of me.

I think it's really powerful; sincere, raw, and vulnerable.
Stylistically I might make the opening verse more metaphor than simile (e.g., "Today I felt my heart shattered, as a broken glass from a window pane; my fractured pieces wondering what life has become"). But then again, I'm also an idiot, so feel free to ignore my advice.

if this is fiction, it's convincing fiction. well done.

cheers.
-goldsoundz

 

[hunniebunny]

i see and understand ty for the advice it was actaully true feelings..

 

[champagne1982]

okay i wrote this and a beginner so advice would be great ty..


“LOST”

Today I felt my heart shatterd , as a broken glass would be on a window pane.
I sat here on my sofa wondering what life has became?

The emptness I feel inside has no explanations.
No tears left to shed , just heart ache and pain.
I tried to reach for you , but now its to late.
I gave you my heart you gave me your word
Now none of this is here to stay and remaine.
I hoped for happyness I received tears
I hoped there would be compashion I received fears.
I wanted forever , now I am lost .
I ask myself agian what do I see, I see lonelyness
Inside of me.

The best advice any beginner can use is to write from the heart but edit from the mind. Refuse to take any critique personally, no matter how personal the poem subject is and remember this is but a bit of writing to millions of other people who don't care a whit about your feelings.

With that said, what I offer is:

• a recommendation to run this piece through a spellchecker. Here's an online free spell check program.
• Remember that for every word repeated you've lost an opportunity to say something new.
• Read lots of poetry and when you've decided what style you like best, write lots of practice poems.
• Keep an open mind when it comes to asking for and taking advice.

This is your poem and no matter what anyone says, you have the final say in what happens to it.

Poetically, yours,
CC .

 

[hunniebunny]

ty i was not aware of that site ty

 

[UnderYourSpell]

That spellchecker has some weird alternatives to chose from instead of the mispelt word! i.e amputees instead of emptyness

 

[hunniebunny]

nice i enoyed your post

 

[Jennifer C]

Practice makes perfect..

okay i wrote this and a beginner so advice would be great ty..


“LOST”

Today I felt my heart shatterd , as a broken glass would be on a window pane.
I sat here on my sofa wondering what life has became?

The emptness I feel inside has no explanations.
No tears left to shed , just heart ache and pain.
I tried to reach for you , but now its to late.
I gave you my heart you gave me your word
Now none of this is here to stay and remaine.
I hoped for happyness I received tears
I hoped there would be compashion I received fears.
I wanted forever , now I am lost .
I ask myself agian what do I see, I see lonelyness
Inside of me.

Hi Hunnie, wow have not been on here for ages but anyone who remembers me knows i'm more about feeling then acuracy but spelling and punctuation are important, errors can distract from what you are trying to put across so always try and check your work thoroughly before submitting.

I liked your poem, who can't relate to a broken heart?

My best advive is to listen to Champagne, who is an excellent poet and great with critique..

Keep writing...
~ Jen

 

[champagne1982]

Hi Hunnie, wow have not been on here for ages but anyone who remembers me knows i'm more about feeling then acuracy but spelling and punctuation are important, errors can distract from what you are trying to put across so always try and check your work thoroughly before submitting.

I liked your poem, who can't relate to a broken heart?

My best advive is to listen to Champagne, who is an excellent poet and great with critique..

Keep writing...
~ Jen

Thanks Jenn. How nice to see you back amongst the versifying populace!

You make an excellent point about how little things, like misspellings and mistakes in word choices, can detract from the poem. So much, at times, that the poet can sabotage their own success in a piece, through their own apparent trivialization of the subject by their refusal to edit away those glaring errors.

Again, it's really good to see you returning to the forum.

 

[Jennifer C]

Thanks Jenn. How nice to see you back amongst the versifying populace!

You make an excellent point about how little things, like misspellings and mistakes in word choices, can detract from the poem. So much, at times, that the poet can sabotage their own success in a piece, through their own apparent trivialization of the subject by their refusal to edit away those glaring errors.

Again, it's really good to see you returning to the forum.

See Hunnie, even Champagnes responses are intelligent and well written, if you want to learn she is one of the poets to listen to and she does it with such grace

Good to be back