Spouse/Partner won't have sex! Anyone else like this?

[naughty_mike21]

I am a 32 yo married man whose wife is not interested in sex. We have been married for 3 years and have been seeing a sex therapist for over 2 years now. I love my wife . . . but I am a 32 yo man and I want to have sex!! anyone else with this kind of problem?? wives or husbands who won't make love to them? I have an insatiable sex drive and I have no release except for Lit Advice or offers to help welcome!

Mike

 

[blushes]

I'm afraid you won't like my answer

My situation was similar except that I was dating my man for 3 years; we are currently not seeing each other. We rarely had sex and it was usually forced and boring. He wanted nothing I wanted and when we tried to compromise neither of us was happy. I didn't think it was fair to force upon him my desires so we relegated ourselves to a virtually sexless relationship.

It is hard when you've put so much into a relationship to let go - especially when other elements are strong and wonderful. Ultimately I was too unhappy and I had to say goodbye. Of course it is also frightening to be alone again. Perhaps one day my sex drive will putter out and we'll find eachother again, or better yet maybe one day he'll decide he's Dominant after all.

 

[Kazoora]

Same situation here, Mike, but after more than a dozen years. (Is it something about The City?!?)

I've thought about a MFM with her, but she'd never go for it, so I'm heading out on my own to satisfy my urges.

By the way, have you considered a MFM with her, or some other variation?

 

[naughty_mike21]

My situation was similar except that I was dating my man for 3 years; we are currently not seeing each other. We rarely had sex and it was usually forced and boring. He wanted nothing I wanted and when we tried to compromise neither of us was happy. I didn't think it was fair to force upon him my desires so we relegated ourselves to a virtually sexless relationship.

It is hard when you've put so much into a relationship to let go - especially when other elements are strong and wonderful. Ultimately I was too unhappy and I had to say goodbye. Of course it is also frightening to be alone again. Perhaps one day my sex drive will putter out and we'll find eachother again, or better yet maybe one day he'll decide he's Dominant after all.

thanks so much for the support . . . I totally appreciate it . . . I know exactly what you mean when you talked about how much you have put into the relationship. I juts don't know what to do . . . I love my wife, but after so many years of sex therapy, and nothing to show for it . . . is it time to give up? I am also afraid that I may start to go "outside" of my marriage for sex.

Thanks for taking to the time to share blushes

 

[Wyldfire]

I am a 32 yo married man whose wife is not interested in sex. We have been married for 3 years and have been seeing a sex therapist for over 2 years now. I love my wife . . . but I am a 32 yo man and I want to have sex!! anyone else with this kind of problem?? wives or husbands who won't make love to them? I have an insatiable sex drive and I have no release except for Lit Advice or offers to help welcome!

Mike

You, I'll applaud! You ask for advice.

My situation was similar except that I was dating my man for 3 years; we are currently not seeing each other. We rarely had sex and it was usually forced and boring. He wanted nothing I wanted and when we tried to compromise neither of us was happy. I didn't think it was fair to force upon him my desires so we relegated ourselves to a virtually sexless relationship.

It is hard when you've put so much into a relationship to let go - especially when other elements are strong and wonderful. Ultimately I was too unhappy and I had to say goodbye. Of course it is also frightening to be alone again. Perhaps one day my sex drive will putter out and we'll find eachother again, or better yet maybe one day he'll decide he's Dominant after all.

Again, applause! Maturely handled, even if being mature hurts. I know it does.

Same situation here, Mike, but after more than a dozen years. (Is it something about The City?!?)

I've thought about a MFM with her, but she'd never go for it, so I'm heading out on my own to satisfy my urges.

By the way, have you considered a MFM with her, or some other variation?

Umm, Seek help! You need councilling. What the hell is a MFM going to do for her if she just isn't as into sex as you are? Is there a kind of crazy that means "If she doesn't want sex with me, she'll want it if it's me and my bud?" Or is this you placing your own fantasies onto her hoping for the miracle of getting to have sex with her while also living out a fantasy? Hell, if you're thinking of bringing in others, there's just as much of a chance that she wants a woman with NO MAN involved. Would you give her that for her sexual happiness? Doubt it.

Or some other variation...... Dear god is it always that she has some hidden kink that is the root of a sexually incompatable couple? Maybe it's just a case of her not wanting it as much as you do. If you love her you'll work something out that doesn't involve sneaking out and breaking your vows. And sorry, but homosexual relations are as much of a cheat as are hetero. So are glory holes. so, face it, if you love her you wouldn't hurt her. Cheating is hurting. If you're going to hurt her, be honest and just break the relationship up.

 

[naughty_mike21]

Same situation here, Mike, but after more than a dozen years. (Is it something about The City?!?)

I've thought about a MFM with her, but she'd never go for it, so I'm heading out on my own to satisfy my urges.

By the way, have you considered a MFM with her, or some other variation?

wow!! 12 years?? how did you hang on?? ha ha . . u in SF?

thanks for the suggestion . . . but I don't think any combination will really work . . . my wife had some really awful childhood shit happen, which basically shut down any interest she has in being intimate. She wants to . . . but just can't . . . so I end up feeling rejected . . . and horny because I haven't been laid in 3 fucking years!!!

 

[Kazoora]

You, I'll applaud! You ask for advice.



Again, applause! Maturely handled, even if being mature hurts. I know it does.



Umm, Seek help! You need councilling. What the hell is a MFM going to do for her if she just isn't as into sex as you are? Is there a kind of crazy that means "If she doesn't want sex with me, she'll want it if it's me and my bud?" Or is this you placing your own fantasies onto her hoping for the miracle of getting to have sex with her while also living out a fantasy? Hell, if you're thinking of bringing in others, there's just as much of a chance that she wants a woman with NO MAN involved. Would you give her that for her sexual happiness? Doubt it.

Or some other variation...... Dear god is it always that she has some hidden kink that is the root of a sexually incompatable couple? Maybe it's just a case of her not wanting it as much as you do. If you love her you'll work something out that doesn't involve sneaking out and breaking your vows. And sorry, but homosexual relations are as much of a cheat as are hetero. So are glory holes. so, face it, if you love her you wouldn't hurt her. Cheating is hurting. If you're going to hurt her, be honest and just break the relationship up.

It would be nice if you were right, but you're not. We've gone through counseling, and she's not open to anything at this point. MFM was a suggestion, not the end all, be all. Things aren't always simple.

 

[Wyldfire]

wow!! 12 years?? how did you hang on?? ha ha . . u in SF?

thanks for the suggestion . . . but I don't think any combination will really work . . . my wife had some really awful childhood shit happen, which basically shut down any interest she has in being intimate. She wants to . . . but just can't . . . so I end up feeling rejected . . . and horny because I haven't been laid in 3 fucking years!!!

A serious suggestion? See if she is willing to see a coucillor and a Psychiatrist? Been where she is in one way or the other myself. After a couple of years with that help I can say I am in an interesting and happy relationship. If she is willing buy yourself some porn and plenty of lube to support yourself with while she gets better.

If she can't and she wants to keep trying be understanding, but still make sure you bought the porn and lube so if an attempt goes abortive you can give yourself the release, so that it doesn't build up inito an issue for you as well as her. More than a few very loving relationships have gone to hell in a handbasket due to things like that.

 

[Kazoora]

wow!! 12 years?? how did you hang on?? ha ha . . u in SF?

thanks for the suggestion . . . but I don't think any combination will really work . . . my wife had some really awful childhood shit happen, which basically shut down any interest she has in being intimate. She wants to . . . but just can't . . . so I end up feeling rejected . . . and horny because I haven't been laid in 3 fucking years!!!

I'm sorry to hear about her childhood experience. Has she gone to counseling herself -- with you coming into it later? Maybe she just doesn't want to open up initially with you there but would later on.

 

[Wyldfire]

It would be nice if you were right, but you're not. We've gone through counseling, and she's not open to anything at this point. MFM was a suggestion, not the end all, be all. Things aren't always simple.

See my advice for Mike. Cheating ain't the answer. Take stock in a lube company and buy porn, if you really do love her and don't want to hurt her.

 

[Kazoora]

See my advice for Mike. Cheating ain't the answer. Take stock in a lube company and buy porn, if you really do love her and don't want to hurt her.

Thanks. I understand. (Stock in a lube or even a porn company is probably the only thing surviving on the market today!) I've been trying to work this out, but while Mike's time is at three years, I'm at five-plus. But thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate it.

 

[naughty_mike21]

You, I'll applaud! You ask for advice.

thanks wyldfire . . . I appreciate your thoughtful words . . . I figured there must be other people out there dealing with the same thing I am going through. Talking to others can really help.

 

[Wyldfire]

Thanks. I understand. (Stock in a lube or even a porn company is probably the only thing surviving on the market today!) I've been trying to work this out, but while Mike's time is at three years, I'm at five-plus. But thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate it.

Believe me. After I got my help I went through a stage in the opposite direction and got involved in some stuff that was very very bad and put me in contact with men who Loved their wives but had "needs" the wife just wouldn't provide. I did. It paid the bills, but I look back at those days and shudder.

 

[naughty_mike21]

A serious suggestion? See if she is willing to see a coucillor and a Psychiatrist? Been where she is in one way or the other myself. After a couple of years with that help I can say I am in an interesting and happy relationship. If she is willing buy yourself some porn and plenty of lube to support yourself with while she gets better.

If she can't and she wants to keep trying be understanding, but still make sure you bought the porn and lube so if an attempt goes abortive you can give yourself the release, so that it doesn't build up inito an issue for you as well as her. More than a few very loving relationships have gone to hell in a handbasket due to things like that.

great advice wyldfire . . . thank you

she has been seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist for many years now . . . about 6 I think. We have been in couples therapy for about 4 years now, and have been seeing a sex therapist together for about 3 years. It basically comes down to a mental blockage she has about physical intimacy. She and I (along with our therapists) believe she was physically abused when she was young . . . and now she can't open up physically for fear of being hurt. We aren't sure if things will ever change. I suppose the questions for me is . . . how long do I continue to wait? I love her . . . and sex isn't the biggest thing in a marriage, but physically intimacy is an important part . . .

 

[Kazoora]

Believe me. After I got my help I went through a stage in the opposite direction and got involved in some stuff that was very very bad and put me in contact with men who Loved their wives but had "needs" the wife just wouldn't provide. I did. It paid the bills, but I look back at those days and shudder.

Thanks. I can only imagine how that was.

 

[naughty_mike21]

I'm sorry to hear about her childhood experience. Has she gone to counseling herself -- with you coming into it later? Maybe she just doesn't want to open up initially with you there but would later on.

no worries, thanks . . . yup, we have been doing the counselor/sex therapist thing for years now.

 

[Wyldfire]

great advice wyldfire . . . thank you

she has been seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist for many years now . . . about 6 I think. We have been in couples therapy for about 4 years now, and have been seeing a sex therapist together for about 3 years. It basically comes down to a mental blockage she has about physical intimacy. She and I (along with our therapists) believe she was physically abused when she was young . . . and now she can't open up physically for fear of being hurt. We aren't sure if things will ever change. I suppose the questions for me is . . . how long do I continue to wait? I love her . . . and sex isn't the biggest thing in a marriage, but physically intimacy is an important part . . .

Okay, Talk to the sexual councilor and the psychiatrist about trying to get her to see sex as something besides just intimacy. See if working on her seeing it as a game played between friends might be able to bypass the block until she can have her breakthrough that could drop the block.

And you're right sex isn't the most important part of a relationship, but it is a very very very nice one.

 

[Wyldfire]

Thanks. I can only imagine how that was.

At the time I thought it was great. Bills paid and excess income. If I wanted something I bought it. But in hindsight I was playing freaking Russian Roulette.

 

[naughty_mike21]

Believe me. After I got my help I went through a stage in the opposite direction and got involved in some stuff that was very very bad and put me in contact with men who Loved their wives but had "needs" the wife just wouldn't provide. I did. It paid the bills, but I look back at those days and shudder.

i hear what your saying . . . I don't want to go outside our marriage . . . I don't want to hurt her, and I don't think I could actually do it . . . but the more I feel rejected, the more I push away . . . and the more I look around for other people who might pay attention to me . . . it's definitely hard

 

[Wyldfire]

i hear what your saying . . . I don't want to go outside our marriage . . . I don't want to hurt her, and I don't think I could actually do it . . . but the more I feel rejected, the more I push away . . . and the more I look around for other people who might pay attention to me . . . it's definitely hard

Get you some porn. Watch it and lay back and imagine it being with her.... It's the best advice I can give you at the moment.

 

[naughty_mike21]

Okay, Talk to the sexual councilor and the psychiatrist about trying to get her to see sex as something besides just intimacy. See if working on her seeing it as a game played between friends might be able to bypass the block until she can have her breakthrough that could drop the block.

And you're right sex isn't the most important part of a relationship, but it is a very very very nice one.

I will suggest something like that . . . but it seems we have tried just about everything. We have gone all the way back to the beginning . . just touching hands . . . but as soon as we work up to kissing . . . she pulls away, and usually starts to cry

I don't know how long I can wait . . . I love her so much . . . it is going to break both of us if I leave, but I am not sure what else to do.

 

[Wyldfire]

I will suggest something like that . . . but it seems we have tried just about everything. We have gone all the way back to the beginning . . just touching hands . . . but as soon as we work up to kissing . . . she pulls away, and usually starts to cry

I don't know how long I can wait . . . I love her so much . . . it is going to break both of us if I leave, but I am not sure what else to do.

Do you want the supportive answer or the answer that has a bit of edge to it? Both are honest.

 

[mandbc1]

The choices you face are those within yourself and have nothing to do with her. At some point you need to decide for yourself what you are willing to compromise on, not compromise on or simply let go. I have found that the most important person in a relationship ultimately is me and not the other person no matter who they are, no matter how much I my "love" them or not.
Eventually the relationsip is either supportive for you or it isnt, to enable her, be so co-dependent to your own detriment will ruin more then just your relationship. It will drain you of your health, well being and sap your desires to live out your dreams.
For me talk therapy at some point has to cause both partners to decide if staying together is worth it. How much longer do you want to keep going to therapist after therapist re-hashing the past, debating your present and having a future that lacks promise.
I am not saying leave but again do you REALLY see yourself with this woman in 2 years, 5 years, 10??
Its your life, seems like its time for you to get on with it whether she is in it or not!!
Perhaps a seperation is in order, a breathing room for both of you, if in 3 months or whatever the 2 of realize that being apart is what works then so be it. If being apat makes her realize she needs to get past her anger, rage and hurt so that you can be with her then so be it.
But life is meant to be lived, so go live your life!!

 

[mandbc1]

Do you want the supportive answer or the answer that has a bit of edge to it? Both are honest.

I would like to read both!!

 

[naughty_mike21]

Get you some porn. Watch it and lay back and imagine it being with her.... It's the best advice I can give you at the moment.

not a bad idea . . . Lit helps tho