Dominance issues.

[MajorMalfunction]

Ok, I joined Lit because I need to get back in my stride so here's where I'm at.

I was very active as a Master, more controlling and exacting. I've been unwell and in and out of hospital these past few months and V has basically been managing herself. She's so damn good at it that I've hardly noticed. Now she's managing me because I need a little TLC at the moment. I suppose I feel a bit like a passenger. We still have playtimes but they're not as intense or as passionate. Maybe it's because we've been together a while now, I don't know. She seems happy enough but a large part of me doesn't think she should be. I'm not really doing my job as the head of this relationship.

For a while, dominance with V was like breathing. It was so natural and it made us so close. Now I have to consciously put my dom hat on and it just feels... false. We both enjoy ourselves but I'm not really there with her. I think I've lost faith in myself. She's gorgeous, successful, earns more than me. I just don't feel like she needs anything from me. I don't feel like her Master. I've got fatter from being in hospital and doing sod all and taking so much time off work has left my finances a mess. She's paying most of the bills and taking care of everything. She might call it service but to me it just seems wrong. I feel like I've failed her, abused the gift of herself that she gave me. The more she gives, the worse it makes me feel. I can't seem to reverse that and the fact she gives so much without complaint occasionally makes me feel contempt. If I'm brutally honest, the more she puts up with and sacrifices, the less I respect her.

I don't know how much sense any of that made. It felt good to write it though.

 

[intothewoods]

I'm so sorry. Life has ups and downs, and I'm sure you will find your way back up again. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I'm sure that sounds trite, but it's just what comes to mind. I'm sure the PYLs around here will weigh in with some better advice.

 

[Zoots_owner]

If you want to blame yourself for letting things go during your convalescence, that's your own business. But saying that you're losing respect for her because she's been doing an extraordinary job? I totally don't get that. Did you want a sub who was more helpless, or one who wasn't but would dump you at the first sign of trouble? One who would sink even lower than you when you were out of commission, as if dominance were only a relative thing? From my POV, what you've described is exemplary behaviour on her part, and I have to wonder if you aren't transferring some of your bad feelings about yourself onto her. I'm thinking that maybe you need to look again and see if you shouldn't be grateful right about now.

That, and find your mojo without further delay. Giving up the fight is not the domly thing to do.

Be seeing you in the weight room, hopefully.

 

[FreyasMuse]

I am new to Literotica, but not to BDSM. My hubby has been my sub for several years. He had major surgery about 5 years ago. Prior to that, he was an incredible pain slut, taking more than I could dish out, never wanting to use his safe word despite what I would bring to the table (or rather, flogging post). After his surgery, we found that the floggings had to stop, because something had reset in his body with regards to his pain tolerance. We adjusted and made changes to our dynamic, and found new, incredibly satisfying ways to express our BDSM relationship.

Illness can change a person for a period of time. Give your body time to heal, allow your brain chemistry to reset itself, and I believe you will find a return of that sense of self you had before. Don't force it, but allow it to return.

I'm curious about some other things you mention. You seem bothered by V taking on more of the financial responsibilities, and this causes you to lose respect for her? Are you confusing a Master's role with a paternalistic sense that she can't/shouldn't provide in other aspects of life, ie the financial and household maintenance functions? What do you want her to do? Complain? That's not her's to do. Allow her to give this to you. If she is a sub worthy of her salt, what she is doing for you right now is exactly what a sub should be doing: quietly holding down the fort, without complaint or rancor.

Best wishes.

 

[Netzach]

I'm still figuring things out after a year of being sick three years ago. I think sometimes dynamics change, and it's more important to try and figure out what might be good about new ones instead of mourning other ones - in my case, I realized it's not going to "go back" it needs to go foward. The play and frequency and nature of it is different, but I think I'm more attuned to and more appreciative of subtler things.

M also pinched-hit with finances - and it's hard. I'm very splitdownthemiddle unless someone's insanely more well off than the other, and in this case when my income ground to a halt, it's just pragmatic. This too shall pass. Blessing in disguise, really, it forced me into making a living a new way, incorporating art after I found a way I could. I've had stronger months than him on and off again since and when I do I take on more stuff.

 

[graceanne]

It's hard, I know. Don't sabotage your relationship because you don't feel like the dominant, and talk to V. Chances are that she's missing being the sub, as much as you are missing being the dominant. As soon as you're on your feet she'll gladly hand the reins back to you. And I promise as you began to feel better you will take back the reins a little at a time. Things will be fine.

 

[Harmony_1985]

Being ill and in hospital for a period of time does mess you up. You're taken completely out of your routine and getting back into it is a real bitch, I know that from experience.

Give it time. Take it slowly for now and ease yourself back into life. Don't expect it to come back at the snap of a finger, because it won't. I tried to drop back into my life after 3 months off with my gall bladder and I ended up being put into counselling by my uni cos I had a break down from stress.

But don't lose respect for V. She's doing what she's doing because she loves and adores you, and some people wouldn't stick by on such a responsibility. She's a special girl, and she understands that you need time to get back into the swing of things.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I have to wonder if you aren't transferring some of your bad feelings about yourself onto her.

I think this is a key point Sir. We both know your self esteem is rarely in double figures and this illness has decimated what's left of it, which is unfortunate but not insurmountable.

I know that if things were reversed, you'd do exactly the same for me so I don't feel that I'm sacrificing myself or anything like that. I just want you well and happy asap and there are lots of things I can do to help facilitate that. I do see it as service and will continue to do so. As others have said, it will take a while for you to adjust as you recover and get back up to speed.

I know it must be terribly frustrating when you're used to being strong and healthy and I can imagine how that affects your self image as a dominant man. I think you're expecting too much of yourself at this stage though, setting yourself unreasonable goals and then getting demoralised when you don't achieve them. You would never be as hard on me as you're being on yourself.

 

[rida]

The transferring of feeling mentioned by Zoot_Owner is so true: when you feel you are worthless, you convince yourself that only someone even more worthless than you will stick with you. It is a self destructive mechanism than makes you want to push people away, so that you can feel at least validated in your feeling of worthlessness.

The fact is: you are just being too hard on yourself, and trying to fight it by externalizing it on V. Transfer that anger toward things you can change/fix instead, little goals. One step at the time you'll get better. And one step at the time, you'll get back your control. As Graceanne said, V is just holding the fort.

As Netzach said, things will not be the same than before. But the fact is: they never are. They always evolve, sometime faster, sometime slower. Just take this as part of the evolution. It is TPE, it is M/s, but it is still a relationship between two persons.

 

[Gil_T2]

I really struggle to understand your attitude with where your life is at at this time because of your health, since BANDIT & I have been together she has had to deal with so much of my health needs like you & it is her care & attention that has me as able as I am.

It is her desire to care for her Sir that she does all she does for you & I'm sure once you are able to resume your old ways she will still be pleased to carry on as your sub.

As for her making more money than you I did have a sub who pulled more in a week than I did in 2 months but it never affected our relationship, it's only what you make of it.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

I'm not really doing my job as the head of this relationship.

I think I've lost faith in myself. She's gorgeous, successful, earns more than me. I just don't feel like she needs anything from me. I don't feel like her Master.

I've got fatter from being in hospital and doing sod all and taking so much time off work has left my finances a mess.

I feel like I've failed her, abused the gift of herself that she gave me. The more she gives, the worse it makes me feel. I can't seem to reverse that and the fact she gives so much without complaint occasionally makes me feel contempt.

Ah insecurities. How I know thee well. If you ask my little girl she will tell you I am the king of insecurities.

My best advice is to remember these are YOUR insecurities NOT hers. I can guarantee she has no problem whatsoever helping you through your time of need.

Besides, isn't it her duty and goal to please you and make you happy? Isn't she doing just that?

If I'm brutally honest, the more she puts up with and sacrifices, the less I respect her.

No, the less you respect yourself for causing her to have to put up with it and sacrifice.

 

[Homburg]

MM, a few years back I lost my mojo. Just flat lost track of it, felt like a fraud, like none of it was worthwhile. Life had a heavy boot on my neck, and nothing was going right. Took me a while to climb out of it, and it was an unusualy circumstance that was the catalyst.

Regardless, try not to transfer negativity to V. Let's face it, we take care of our property. We protect them, guide them, discipline them when needed, and generally look after them. We try our level best to be strong, in charge etc. The problem is that nasty human issue. Y'know, as in you, and I, are human. Fallible. Flawed. Fleshy meat bags capable of getting sick, falling down, emotional doldrums, getting soft around the middle, etc. Sometimes that human thing hits from multiple directions. You go from being Hoo-rah Master of All You Survey to being Joe Mundane, average working stiff.

It sucks. Sucks for your property to, sort of. The cool thing is that if your property is good stuff, she'll be more worried about your health and well-being than whether or not you caned her arse bloody in the past month. So while it sucks for her, it sucks largely because she is worried about you.

The important thing to remember, and the thing that I remind myself of here and there, is that you spend all of your time taking care of your property, but sometimes you need to let your property take care of you.

You have a good girl there that is all about you. You might do well to let her be all about you. It's what makes her happy, gives her meaning. I know it's rough to feel like shit and not feel like you're carrying your own weight, but everybody falls down. Letting her do what she is doing is nothing to be ashamed of, any more than you should be ashamed of sending her to fetch a drink instead of getting it yourself.

My advice as to seeking your mojo is simple - set realistic, achievable goals. Don't say "I will lose 95lbs by Christmas!", think "I'll lose 5lbs by the end of the month". Don't promise to work out every day til you drop, promise to sweat your arse off twice a week for the next month. Set smaller, doable goals, and let the momentum of success build on those reasonable victories. When you've had a steady diet of boot leather, and been on the receiving end for too long, little victories taste just fine.

If you want specifics about the circumstances that gave me the shove I needed, PM me and I'll discuss them with you. Suffice to say that I know of which you speak.

 

[Bandit58]

Ok, I joined Lit because I need to get back in my stride so here's where I'm at.

I was very active as a Master, more controlling and exacting. I've been unwell and in and out of hospital these past few months and V has basically been managing herself. She's so damn good at it that I've hardly noticed. Now she's managing me because I need a little TLC at the moment. I suppose I feel a bit like a passenger. We still have playtimes but they're not as intense or as passionate. Maybe it's because we've been together a while now, I don't know. She seems happy enough but a large part of me doesn't think she should be. I'm not really doing my job as the head of this relationship.

For a while, dominance with V was like breathing. It was so natural and it made us so close. Now I have to consciously put my dom hat on and it just feels... false. We both enjoy ourselves but I'm not really there with her. I think I've lost faith in myself. She's gorgeous, successful, earns more than me. I just don't feel like she needs anything from me. I don't feel like her Master. I've got fatter from being in hospital and doing sod all and taking so much time off work has left my finances a mess. She's paying most of the bills and taking care of everything. She might call it service but to me it just seems wrong. I feel like I've failed her, abused the gift of herself that she gave me. The more she gives, the worse it makes me feel. I can't seem to reverse that and the fact she gives so much without complaint occasionally makes me feel contempt. If I'm brutally honest, the more she puts up with and sacrifices, the less I respect her.

I don't know how much sense any of that made. It felt good to write it though.

Dear MajorMalfunction,
The part of your post that I've bolded really upsets me. I feel that it belittles the service that both V and I provide.

Believe it or not, you are a very lucky man. Eventually, you will get better. My Sir will NOT get better. He has diabetes and renal failure and will be on dialysis for the rest of His life. I care for Him 24/7, I insert the needles and set up a dialysis machine three days a week so He can spend 8 hours getting His blood cleaned and excess fluid removed.

Sir's first wife left Him six months after He was diagnosed. In the almost 5 years we've been together there have been hospitalisations, surgeries and procedures, complications and illness. We do not take anything for granted anymore. We get through the bad days and enjoy the good ones.

I think you should take a good look at yourself in the mirror, then look at V and thank her for being willing to step up to the plate and keep things going until you are well enough to take up the leash again. It's not an undomly thing to do, it's showing your appreciation for her and giving her encouragement to keep going when all seems dark and dismal.

 

[catalina_francisco]

The good in this is if you are up to putting this much thinking into it and coming to the conclusions you have, you must be on the improve physically to even have the energy to...so hopefully the only way is up. The reality is that in relationships, M/s included, there are days which are nothing short of gold, and there are days which struggle to draw breath...it is life with all its ups and downs.

Another reality is when most people first embark on a D/s or M/s relationship 24/7, the novelty, the excitement, the thrill of it all goes a long way toward creating a euphoric bubble in which we live for awhile, bounce along happily on, a false sense of immortality so to speak. As time passes, and life pushes its nasty head into the bubble more and more, the fantasy gets shaken up and what takes its place if we are blessed is a more solid base of realness to build on, adaption to life and being together no matter what may come. It may not feel the same, it may not be as glossy and pretty, but if you survive it together, it provides a much firmer base for a lifetime relationship than living up to a fantasy where Master grunts and slave falls helpless and besotted at his feet waiting for guidance and protection, even if everything is falling apart for them both....that fantasy does no-one any favours, nor usually does it survive. I think you both are strong enough and wanting more out of your relationship to allow this to get you down for long...being ill can play a lot of tricks on the mind and body.

Catalina

 

[ataxia.girl]

The more she gives, the worse it makes me feel. I can't seem to reverse that and the fact she gives so much without complaint occasionally makes me feel contempt. If I'm brutally honest, the more she puts up with and sacrifices, the less I respect her.

i love that you were brave enough to write the ugly part. i have been on the receiving end of this contempt. Sometimes i think i get where it comes from and sometimes i don't but either way you have 2 choices. You can choose to trust V that you deserve her service because of all the wonderful qualities you listed about her or you can choose not to trust her. She has always sounded trustworthy to me.

 

[greeneyed_Lady]

MM, a few years back I lost my mojo. Just flat lost track of it, felt like a fraud, like none of it was worthwhile. Life had a heavy boot on my neck, and nothing was going right. Took me a while to climb out of it, and it was an unusualy circumstance that was the catalyst.

Regardless, try not to transfer negativity to V. Let's face it, we take care of our property. We protect them, guide them, discipline them when needed, and generally look after them. We try our level best to be strong, in charge etc. The problem is that nasty human issue. Y'know, as in you, and I, are human. Fallible. Flawed. Fleshy meat bags capable of getting sick, falling down, emotional doldrums, getting soft around the middle, etc. Sometimes that human thing hits from multiple directions. You go from being Hoo-rah Master of All You Survey to being Joe Mundane, average working stiff.

It sucks. Sucks for your property to, sort of. The cool thing is that if your property is good stuff, she'll be more worried about your health and well-being than whether or not you caned her arse bloody in the past month. So while it sucks for her, it sucks largely because she is worried about you.

The important thing to remember, and the thing that I remind myself of here and there, is that you spend all of your time taking care of your property, but sometimes you need to let your property take care of you.

You have a good girl there that is all about you. You might do well to let her be all about you. It's what makes her happy, gives her meaning. I know it's rough to feel like shit and not feel like you're carrying your own weight, but everybody falls down. Letting her do what she is doing is nothing to be ashamed of, any more than you should be ashamed of sending her to fetch a drink instead of getting it yourself.

My advice as to seeking your mojo is simple - set realistic, achievable goals. Don't say "I will lose 95lbs by Christmas!", think "I'll lose 5lbs by the end of the month". Don't promise to work out every day til you drop, promise to sweat your arse off twice a week for the next month. Set smaller, doable goals, and let the momentum of success build on those reasonable victories. When you've had a steady diet of boot leather, and been on the receiving end for too long, little victories taste just fine.

If you want specifics about the circumstances that gave me the shove I needed, PM me and I'll discuss them with you. Suffice to say that I know of which you speak.

I copied this whole thing because it spoke to me.

I have often felt much of this... especially this year. After a devastating end to a very intensely emotional relationship last year, I ended up with a very sweet boy. The first play session was... omg crazy in many ways... left me feeling flat because there was no emotional depth behind it. Was just me striking him and I wanted... needed more. We adjusted our relationship and shortly thereafter I fell down my stairs at home. I'm having surgery in a month and will be out of commission for several more months. We attempted a session mid/late summer and omg it was horrible. I was not physically where I needed to be. He spoke up about the same time I called a halt to things, and I'm glad he did, otherwise one of us would have been hurt. Ok, ok.. so what I'm trying to get to here is that while I haven't been able to be much of a D/s partner for him, he's been a wonderful help around my house doing those things that I couldn't.. mowing my lawn, helping me set up/tear down my gazebo, hauling laundry up and down for me, cleaning out my garage, going grocery shopping with me (pushing the cart, hauling the groceries into the house, putting things away for me)... During the worst of the pain this summer, he was messaging me several times a day to make sure I had taken my meds, or had eaten something, or to see how I was doing. It's damned difficult for me to give up control and allow someone to take care of me, and I struggled with this for a while. While I'm better(ish) now, he still won't let me do anything. We have at least 3 more months of this sort of thing... maybe 4. Then I hope that we can get on with working on a stronger D/s dynamic.

MM... I think there was a lot of good things posted. I know from a female perspective.. if she didn't want to be doing it, she wouldn't. Sometimes those of us that are care takers, are simply happy taking care of people. I'm like that... I had a friend staying with me a month ago.. I was really happy being able to cook for another adult. He didn't ask me to. I just did it. There's an ebb and flow to most relationships. Now you need to let her take care of you. In a while you will be strong enough and can start taking care of her again the way you'd like to.

 

[im_a_voyeur]

This just sounds way too familiar. Good luck.

 

[Hisscarlett]

Over the summer my Master became ill. He was not able to do the things he had, thankfully he is now back to full strength.

I took on some of the things he normally did. I dealt with things that I had not previously had to, and I did them with love for him.

I have to be honest, if I had thought he was losing respect for me because I was doing those things for him, I would have been devastated. I was not doing them to "take control" but instead to allow him to recover and get well.

Each time I did those things it was with love and devotion and out of service to him. It was done from my place of obedience, not to undermine him. And I know, from things he has said, that whilst he did not enjoy watching me do those things he knew I was still serving him and dealing with the things out of love for him and a desire to make his life easier.

In my experience every D/s relationship has highs and lows, times when the D/s flows and times when it is harder. But it always comes right if there is open communication, respect and trust.

It sounds to me as though that is what will happen for you both too. I am sure that your V is only taking on the things you talk about because she wants to make your life easier and allow you to recover.

I hope that everything works out well for you both.

 

[bambikiller]

Hey your a dominate man and men in general for the most part are very different from wemon.
When we get sick we blame our selves. We pay for dinner when we go out. We provide for the family. We open the door for the lady and take controll in the bed room.
Now thats changed a bit and I think it's perfactly natural to be down on your self.
But don't because there's nothing you can do about it. You can still order her around a bit, but as long as your relationship is built aroud more then just sex you two will be fine.

 

[MajorMalfunction]

Regardless, try not to transfer negativity to V. Let's face it, we take care of our property. We protect them, guide them, discipline them when needed, and generally look after them. We try our level best to be strong, in charge etc. The problem is that nasty human issue. Y'know, as in you, and I, are human. Fallible. Flawed. Fleshy meat bags capable of getting sick, falling down, emotional doldrums, getting soft around the middle, etc. Sometimes that human thing hits from multiple directions. You go from being Hoo-rah Master of All You Survey to being Joe Mundane, average working stiff.

I understand what you're saying but you're right, it sucks.

It sucks. Sucks for your property to, sort of. The cool thing is that if your property is good stuff, she'll be more worried about your health and well-being than whether or not you caned her arse bloody in the past month. So while it sucks for her, it sucks largely because she is worried about you.

Very true and another reason why I feel bad. It's really cut me to see how worried and scared she was when things were touch and go a little while ago. Part of me wonders why she thinks I'm worth all that.

The important thing to remember, and the thing that I remind myself of here and there, is that you spend all of your time taking care of your property, but sometimes you need to let your property take care of you.

I know, I'm trying to be at peace with it. It's just so frustrating right now.

You have a good girl there that is all about you. You might do well to let her be all about you. It's what makes her happy, gives her meaning. I know it's rough to feel like shit and not feel like you're carrying your own weight, but everybody falls down. Letting her do what she is doing is nothing to be ashamed of, any more than you should be ashamed of sending her to fetch a drink instead of getting it yourself.

I guess so, I hadn't really thought about it like that to be honest.

My advice as to seeking your mojo is simple - set realistic, achievable goals. Don't say "I will lose 95lbs by Christmas!", think "I'll lose 5lbs by the end of the month". Don't promise to work out every day til you drop, promise to sweat your arse off twice a week for the next month. Set smaller, doable goals, and let the momentum of success build on those reasonable victories. When you've had a steady diet of boot leather, and been on the receiving end for too long, little victories taste just fine.

I am trying to do this and it's another thing that V has been very helpful with as she used to be a nurse and has a more realistic idea about how quickly I should be recovering. She also notices little things, whereas I just keep aiming for the bigger goals and falling on my ass.

I'm curious about some other things you mention. You seem bothered by V taking on more of the financial responsibilities, and this causes you to lose respect for her? Are you confusing a Master's role with a paternalistic sense that she can't/shouldn't provide in other aspects of life, ie the financial and household maintenance functions? What do you want her to do? Complain? That's not her's to do. Allow her to give this to you. If she is a sub worthy of her salt, what she is doing for you right now is exactly what a sub should be doing: quietly holding down the fort, without complaint or rancor.

It's not that I don't think she's capable because V is a very sensible and capable little thing. I've never been into the whole 'daddy dom' thing or keeping a woman in a childlike role. I suppose it's that if we were just a normal couple, her taking on more probably wouldn't have bothered me as much. I'm not running the show right now, not in any sense and because of that, rightly or wrongly, I feel like I'm failing as a D at the moment. I guess it's adding to my general depression and I hadn't really considered it as a factor until recently.

No, the less you respect yourself for causing her to have to put up with it and sacrifice.

Bingo.

i love that you were brave enough to write the ugly part. i have been on the receiving end of this contempt. Sometimes i think i get where it comes from and sometimes i don't but either way you have 2 choices. You can choose to trust V that you deserve her service because of all the wonderful qualities you listed about her or you can choose not to trust her. She has always sounded trustworthy to me.

Well if I can't bear my twisted soul on an anonymous BDSM board then where can I? I did think about deleting that bit as V is such a regular here but she knows I'm in a bad place right now.

Thanks all for the comments. Really insightful, thought provoking stuff. I shall go ruminate.

 

[Homburg]

Very true and another reason why I feel bad. It's really cut me to see how worried and scared she was when things were touch and go a little while ago. Part of me wonders why she thinks I'm worth all that.

Because she loves you, ya big doofus.

I guess so, I hadn't really thought about it like that to be honest.

A significant portion of your outlook and emotional health is based on how you choose to see things in your life. In my eyes, that little gal is serving you, and doing so in an admirable, laudable fashion. You should be fretting more about getting better than about what is going on right this second.

Look at it this way - your slave is there to make your life easier. Right now, she is fulfilling that portion of her duties in spades. Run with it. Use that service as breathing space to get yourself in order.

 

[YourCaptor]

I don't really know where you two are at, but heres some tips.

Velvet, don't try to read his mind, when he wants something he will says so. Don't do anything because you think its what he would want, only do something for him if he directly told you to. Also, don't remind him of things that need to be done, if its needed write it down as a list, don't ever tell him he needs to do "so and so".

These two things more then anything I think zap ones control, and quite frankly, make you hate the person that leaves you feeling useless.

Major, it takes an active mind to get back into the game. First its all about keeping busy all day long, if you find yourself empty handed, do something, preferably something productive. Also realize that its a process, you can't simply wake up healthy and return to how it was before. It is gonne be hard, and dull, a total drag. To get back to where you where before, you got be go beyond it first, do more then you did before, do it till it becomes tolerable, only then can you take a step back and return to the start.

Thats just how it works.

 

[Homburg]

I don't really know where you two are at, but heres some tips.

Velvet, don't try to read his mind, when he wants something he will says so. Don't do anything because you think its what he would want, only do something for him if he directly told you to.

This is not universal. Far from it, in fact. The pinnacle of service in my eyes (as an example) is anticipatory service. This is where the slave knows my needs so well that she can anticipate them, and provide for me before I even have to ask. An example would be viv realising that I've not come up for a drink in a while and am probably getting thirsty, and bringing me a glass of water without being told. That is beautiful service, not reduction of power.

If I had a slave that only did what I specifically told her, the relationship would not last. I don't want a drone, I want an intelligent, motivated self-starter. I don't have the time to tell someone every little thing they are supposed to do.

And insofar as not telling him to do things, have you ever had an assistant at work? An office manager or receptionist? They have no power over you, but can tell you that you need to do things because they track your schedule. It's part of their job. When one of my gals tells me that I need to do something it is NOT an order. It is explicitly a reminder, and presented as such, because part of their duties includes reminding me of my schedule. Same goes with reminding me of things that I have expressly said I need to do. It's a duty they are called on to perform, not overstepping bounds.

 

[ecstaticsub]

This is not universal. Far from it, in fact. The pinnacle of service in my eyes (as an example) is anticipatory service. This is where the slave knows my needs so well that she can anticipate them, and provide for me before I even have to ask. An example would be viv realising that I've not come up for a drink in a while and am probably getting thirsty, and bringing me a glass of water without being told. That is beautiful service, not reduction of power.

If I had a slave that only did what I specifically told her, the relationship would not last. I don't want a drone, I want an intelligent, motivated self-starter. I don't have the time to tell someone every little thing they are supposed to do.

And insofar as not telling him to do things, have you ever had an assistant at work? An office manager or receptionist? They have no power over you, but can tell you that you need to do things because they track your schedule. It's part of their job. When one of my gals tells me that I need to do something it is NOT an order. It is explicitly a reminder, and presented as such, because part of their duties includes reminding me of my schedule. Same goes with reminding me of things that I have expressly said I need to do. It's a duty they are called on to perform, not overstepping bounds.

The part in bold I would agree with when the Dominant is at his confident best. I wonder though...if the Dominant is not feeling very dominant, self assured , top of their game if the submissive gently encouraged him to make demands by not doing things before he asked for them that this would help?

I ask for personal reasons too, due to circumstances in my own relationship unfortunately

 

[Homburg]

The part in bold I would agree with when the Dominant is at his confident best. I wonder though...if the Dominant is not feeling very dominant, self assured , top of their game if the submissive gently encouraged him to make demands by not doing things before he asked for them that this would help?

I ask for personal reasons too, due to circumstances in my own relationship unfortunately

I can't answer for anyone else, but it would worsen the situation for me. I would feel like I've lost yet more control because she is having to be prodded to do the things she used to do as part of normal service.

There are other ways though. To use an example, I am not one of those for whom bathroom control is even remotely interesting. Yet MIS makes a point of asking if she may go to the restroom when we are chatting or together. When apart, she goes on he rown recognizance, but if we're interacting, she sees it as a courtesy. Sort of like some asking to be excused from the table during a meal. While she is not prompting me for an order, she is acknowledging that I am her Master and she acts and moves at my whims. If she is going to do something that requires her to leave my presence for a moment, she asks leave to do so first.

It is a reminder of control on both of our parts, and something she initiates in a soft manner that does not in any way connote topping from the bottom or demands on her part. Bathroom, bed, leaving to go to an appointment, etc are all things she asks leave to do. I find it to be an excellent reinforcement, and non-intrusive.

Therein lies the key, in my eyes. If a slave is being slack to force demands on the part of the Owner, said slave is being intrusive, and stepping out of place. Please note, this opinion of mine only relates to M/s. D/s and T/b relationships are different animals. Submissives and bottoms have different boundaries. And, as further disclaimer, this is MY opinion, and relates to how _I_ operate. Your mileage may vary.

The best advice I can give to someone on the other side of the low-mojo Owner problem is to counsel patience. The human problem is one we all face, and hopefully the PYL will eventually pull out of it.