Sir Guy and his lady

[Amelius]

Hey everyone.

I have enjoyed reading the stories on here for a long while now, and I have finally submitted my first story which was put up today YAY!!I love writing, and i love reading historical romances so I really enjoyed writing the first part of my story and have already started on the second chapter, although I have to admit it took me ages to submit it as I'm a big scaredy cat.

If you get the chance to read it I hope you enjoy it and it inspires you to find out more about the legend that sparked off this idea. Any comments/votes/suggestions would be very welcome. Thankyou hope you all have a good day!!

x

 

[evanslily]

Welcome to the forum--and congratulations on getting your first story posted.

It helps to provide a link--we're a lazy lot around here.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=386228

Looking forward to having a read later...

 

[Amelius]

Oh my god!!!! I can't believe you just replied to me i LOVE ur stories!!! Especially the Back to the Farm series i have been hooked on them from the start, your a really good writer, oooh I'm dead chuffed now. I saw that you had an exam yesterday how did it go?

x

 

[evanslily]

Oh my god!!!! I can't believe you just replied to me i LOVE ur stories!!! Especially the Back to the Farm series i have been hooked on them from the start, your a really good writer, oooh I'm dead chuffed now. I saw that you had an exam yesterday how did it go?

x

LOL, thank you!

The exam wasn’t too bad. I ran out of time and didn’t get to scribble down as much as I wanted to, but I’m hoping that it was enough to scrape a pass. Not too long to wait, luckily--I find out next Friday (10th). Here’s hoping anyway.

Now, your story. You’re off to a good start there. I liked the premise very much. I would’ve liked to have known more about the ‘glowing terrifying figure’, though. What was so terrifying about it? What did it look like? I wanted to know a lot more than you gave us. And later, in this bit

The figure turned to Guy and told him that he could only release the Lady from her endless sleep by making the right choice – the horn or the sword?

I felt it might’ve been better to actually put the dialogue between them in, rather than report it. I know you were probably keen to get on to the main part of the story, but build up of tension is important and this part felt a bit rushed to me.

One thing to remember when writing for Lit is to try to keep your paragraphs fairly short--much shorter than you’d have if you were simply printing out the page. Try to keep them to no more than about 8 lines long. Great blocks of text are difficult to read on screen, and having more white space helps the reader to stay focused. The paragraph that starts

On top of the casket lay a sword and a horn…

is a case in point.

Your dialogue passages could use a little editing. Use of dialogue tags (who said what) and your punctuation wasn’t quite right in a couple of places. For example

"I swear on my knightly honour Iwon't hurt you, but I beg you don't speak don't move, don't even breathe too loudly until we are well away from here."


He warned when it seemed the maiden had recovered enough from the shock of having a sword to her throat.

should’ve been

"I swear on my knightly honour I won't hurt you, but I beg you, don't speak, don't move, don't even breathe too loudly until we are well away from here," he warned when it seemed the maiden had recovered enough from the shock of having a sword to her throat.

Finally, some of your sentences are a little overlong and complicated. Best advice I can give you (fantastic advice given to me when I first started writing)--read it out loud, taking heed of the punctuation you’ve put in. If you trip over the words as you try to read them aloud, chances are you’ve written something that could be expressed in a better way. You also tend to notice then that you’ve written a string of sentences that all start with ‘He’.

Editing can be the most frustrating part of writing, but I promise that by and by you get better at it. But for a first story submission (and I remember well how scary it felt to post my first chapter) this isn’t bad at all.

Looking forward to reading Chapter 2!

Right, I’d better get back to writing Chapter 10…

 

[Amelius]

Thankyou very much for that!! I wasn't expecting such an in depth breakdown of it and youv'e come up with loads of things that I hadn't even noticed, thankyou for taking the time to do that and its even better that it was done by one of my favourite authors.

I'm going to take a couple of weeks now to try and make the next chapter as good as I possibly can. My problem is the only time I really get a chance to write is in the wee small hours of the night, when i'm not at my most alert and i submitted this chapter at like 2am lol!!

Thankyou for your help and I can't wait to find out what happens next between Matt and Lissy especially after you left it on such a cliffhanger!!

 

[evanslily]

Thankyou for your help and I can't wait to find out what happens next between Matt and Lissy especially after you left it on such a cliffhanger!!

Hey, you're very welcome.

I'm doing my best with Matt and Lissy but it's slow going, sigh. I managed a truly unspectacular 400 words today Trouble is, I don't get much time to write these days either, so I know exactly what you mean about writing in the early hours!

Heigh ho. Back to work tomorrow as well, grr... Roll on the weekend!