feedback for my poem

[Zeenutt]

Can I have some feedback on this poem please.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=372339

 

[lorencino]

Can I have some feedback on this poem please.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=372339

It's hot as fuck
a veritable orgy
of flying words screaming
and careening, bouncing
off the walls of obsessive, incestuous, demanding, mother-slutting, cum-soaked intoxication
with young mother-fucker.
mother-fucker, mother-squeezing descent
all night long
in the shower
on the seat
on the flower
cock wrestling sloppy cunt-squelching abandon
but poetry?
I can't find it, in all
honesty.

 

[champagne1982]

I see the structure, rhyme and rhythm that makes this a poem. I don't see metaphor, alliteration or sophistication and the subject matter doesn't appeal to me, especially when couched in explicit language.

Try finding one moment to narrate a vignette around and show your audience how it feels to be in that picture. Make people reading your poem get a groin twitch with your description, in other words, it's not enough to tell us your nipples tingled, show us how tightly puckered they get with an explanation of the tiny pebbles pressed between our body and your lover's...

Anyway, if you're serious about poetry, read lots of poems of different styles, practice those styles through experiment and don't submit every poem you write straight off, let them sit quietly and then revisit each. EDIT your work for obvious spelling and syntax errors that you don't intend to include in your text, EDIT again for content and style, EDIT again to make certain the poem looks like you want it to on the page/display then let it sit for a while. Read your poem aloud and if your work makes you proud, submit it.

Never take criticism of your work personally unless there is a blatantly obvious attack on you as the poet/author. Remember, you are the owner of the piece and as such you have the ultimate say in what is included in your writing. No one can take that control away from you. Let meanness or nonconstructive comments bounce off your hide, if you're happy with what you've made, then let that be enough.

Thanks for letting us read and comment on your poem.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

This poem (?) makes me realise how good everyone else is

 

[WickedEve]

It's hot as fuck
a veritable orgy
of flying words screaming
and careening, bouncing
off the walls of obsessive, incestuous, demanding, mother-slutting, cum-soaked intoxication
with young mother-fucker.
mother-fucker, mother-squeezing descent
all night long
in the shower
on the seat
on the flower
cock wrestling sloppy cunt-squelching abandon
but poetry?
I can't find it, in all
honesty.

Wow, what a reply.

Zeenutt, take champagne's advice!

 

[lorencino]

I see the structure, rhyme and rhythm that makes this a poem. I don't see metaphor, alliteration or sophistication and the subject matter doesn't appeal to me, especially when couched in explicit language.

Try finding one moment to narrate a vignette around and show your audience how it feels to be in that picture. Make people reading your poem get a groin twitch with your description, in other words, it's not enough to tell us your nipples tingled, show us how tightly puckered they get with an explanation of the tiny pebbles pressed between our body and your lover's...

Anyway, if you're serious about poetry, read lots of poems of different styles, practice those styles through experiment and don't submit every poem you write straight off, let them sit quietly and then revisit each. EDIT your work for obvious spelling and syntax errors that you don't intend to include in your text, EDIT again for content and style, EDIT again to make certain the poem looks like you want it to on the page/display then let it sit for a while. Read your poem aloud and if your work makes you proud, submit it.

Never take criticism of your work personally unless there is a blatantly obvious attack on you as the poet/author. Remember, you are the owner of the piece and as such you have the ultimate say in what is included in your writing. No one can take that control away from you. Let meanness or nonconstructive comments bounce off your hide, if you're happy with what you've made, then let that be enough.

Thanks for letting us read and comment on your poem.

 

[lorencino]

Wow, what a reply.

. . .

Is this reply poetry, or not poetry: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous poetry,
Or to take arms against a sea of cliched ramblings,
And by opposing end them?

(If I may be forgiven the torturing of Shakespear's most renowned sililoguy)

 

[JadeMystery]

Not bad......

But not great, not that I'm a poetry expert or anything.
There were some good places where it flowed well, and just when the rhythm started working, there was something that didn't work. Reading it was kind of like rollerblading down a street where every couple of minutes, you came to a gravel patch that you have to navigate through before coming to asphalt again.
Don't force it. Poetry, like any other really good writing is the best when it comes all by itself.