To tell or not to tell...

[SweetGigi]

Some of you have expressed interest and concern in what happened in my life recently. Thank you all so very much for your well wishes and strength shared. It means a lot to me- more than you know. I am more than willing to tell what happened, but I wanted to pose a question to you guys first. If you came to know of repeated indiscressions and preditory actions of someone, would you feel it is your duty to warn others about this person and their actions? Would you feel you owe it to other possible victims to tell them what happened to you? Or is it everyone's own responsiblity to find out if someone is genuine or false?

 

[Harmony_1985]

Some of you have expressed interest and concern in what happened in my life recently. Thank you all so very much for your well wishes and strength shared. It means a lot to me- more than you know. I am more than willing to tell what happened, but I wanted to pose a question to you guys first. If you came to know of repeated indiscressions and preditory actions of someone, would you feel it is your duty to warn others about this person and their actions? Would you feel you owe it to other possible victims to tell them what happened to you? Or is it everyone's own responsiblity to find out if someone is genuine or false?

I would warn them. I did it myself at school.

When my then best friend and her boyfriend split up, we thought everything was going to be fine. We were all going to the same consortium of schools as a VI form but she was at a different base school than him so we thought it'd be fine. 3 weeks into the term, he gets stalker-ish. He won't leave her alone, he hangs round outside her lessons waiting for her to come out, follows her to where she's having lunch and the rest.

He got so bad that she transferred to another VI form.

Fast forward 4 months later and one of my friends at VI form tells me she's got the hots for him. I told her how he had gone when he split up with my friend and warned her that if it didn't work out and she let it get too deep before breaking it off, he'd do the same again.

She ignored my warning and went with him anyway, then found out the same fate 6 months later.

If I could stop anyone going through that bullshit, then I'll do it, cos he's scum.

 

[minx1]

Some of you have expressed interest and concern in what happened in my life recently. Thank you all so very much for your well wishes and strength shared. It means a lot to me- more than you know. I am more than willing to tell what happened, but I wanted to pose a question to you guys first. If you came to know of repeated indiscressions and preditory actions of someone, would you feel it is your duty to warn others about this person and their actions? Would you feel you owe it to other possible victims to tell them what happened to you? Or is it everyone's own responsiblity to find out if someone is genuine or false?

I don't think its a case of it being everyones own responsibility, but I do think that often people will assume that they know best and will need to find out for themselves.
Also giving the other person the benefit of the doubt...they may not act like that with everyone. My ex husband and I didn't work, but thats not to say he isn't faithful and devoted to his new partner, yanno?

I have been in situations like this. To be honest, whether I felt the need to offer advice would depend greatly on the severity of their indescretions. Also I think how that information is imparted is crucial too as its very easy to come across as a bitter or scorned ex.

I hope you are ok Gigi or that you start to feel better soon

 

[subwannabe]

definitely tell

 

[Harmony_1985]

I hope you are ok Gigi or that you start to feel better soon

Deffo on that one honey

 

[SweetGigi]

I can completely understand how posing such information could be viewed as being a bitter ex with an 'axe to grind' (those words chosen specifically for a reason). That is really my biggest concern. I know when I was warned by another about this same person, I was torn between my own doubts mixed with the warning and his silver tongue. I really truly feel sorry for him; I wish he would see how his actions are starving him emotionally and keeping him from finding true happiness. But at this point, I'm more worried about other women who he might be preying on. He is so smooth and convincing.... I just can't imagine what would happen if he got ahold of someone unable to see thru his manipulations, they got really hurt and I could have done something to help. yaknow?

 

[minx1]

I can completely understand how posing such information could be viewed as being a bitter ex with an 'axe to grind' (those words chosen specifically for a reason). That is really my biggest concern. I know when I was warned by another about this same person, I was torn between my own doubts mixed with the warning and his silver tongue. I really truly feel sorry for him; I wish he would see how his actions are starving him emotionally and keeping him from finding true happiness. But at this point, I'm more worried about other women who he might be preying on. He is so smooth and convincing.... I just can't imagine what would happen if he got ahold of someone unable to see thru his manipulations, they got really hurt and I could have done something to help. yaknow?

The bolded bit is exactly the point I was making...sometimes people need to work it out for themselves. Even with warnings people will think they know better or that it will be different. Its human nature I think.

But if you feel strongly about it and you are really concerned, be true to yourself and tell.
I know what I would do, but we are all different and as I said it would depend on what had occured and in that respect I don't fully appreciate the ins and outs of it. I guess you have the option of PMing anyone you are concerned for....?

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

Some of you have expressed interest and concern in what happened in my life recently. Thank you all so very much for your well wishes and strength shared. It means a lot to me- more than you know. I am more than willing to tell what happened, but I wanted to pose a question to you guys first. If you came to know of repeated indiscressions and preditory actions of someone, would you feel it is your duty to warn others about this person and their actions? Would you feel you owe it to other possible victims to tell them what happened to you? Or is it everyone's own responsiblity to find out if someone is genuine or false?

Hello Gigi, nice to see you around!!

Hope you feeling bit better! *HUGGS*




As for your question, thats very hard to say! Depends on the situation and people involved. I was with my ex for 16 years, well on and off, but I never even once warned anyone about my ex and his cheating. The reason why I didnt tho was because the girls he had kinda thought I was the bad one ya know. So I've let them find out on their own. Must say I had lots of fun with that. lol

On other hand, IF friend of mine was in danger to get treated shit, I would warn them yes! But must say it doesnt help much. Once you are in love you must learn your lesson by yourself and find out on your own, because when you really love someone, you wont listen to someone who will talk weird things of the one you love. People tend to think, well thats happened to you, it CANT happen to ME!! Ya know?

I was warned about my ex from my friends. From his own dad as well. His father came to see my parents and told them hes bastard. lol I thought they all suck when they was calling him skirt chaser. And I laughed at them. Was so sure he would never cheat me. Well, I was wrong. Had to learn my lesson the hard way. I kinda always have to learn the hard way. lol

 

[SweetGigi]

Yes, I see what you are saying. I agree we all have to work things out ourselves... however, I would have NEVER thought to dig deeper had this person not warned me about him. I would have continued to let him twist things into being my fault every time I had a fear or questioned him. Who knows how long all this would have gone on, how much more damage he would have inflicted. I am thankful this girl came forward and told me to be wary. I have already warned one person about him... but I am not sure if I should continue or do more. I am torn.

 

[minx1]

Yes, I see what you are saying. I agree we all have to work things out ourselves... however, I would have NEVER thought to dig deeper had this person not warned me about him. I would have continued to let him twist things into being my fault every time I had a fear or questioned him. Who knows how long all this would have gone on, how much more damage he would have inflicted. I am thankful this girl came forward and told me to be wary. I have already warned one person about him... but I am not sure if I should continue or do more. I am torn.

I don't think its the case that we need to work it ourselves...I think its just the way it is sometimes. But like I said....if it was something severe in my mind and someone was at risk of abuse for example then I would warn a person...but it would depend on the severity and situation. I don't think theres one rule that fits here.

well what are the options? To continue to warn people individually or out him you mean?

 

[bambikiller]

He sounds like an asshole.
I think you should warn your friends or anyone you know but I wouldn't call up someone he started seeing that you've never met before.
Although depending upon how bad he realld is maybe I would. To you think he is dangerouse or just an manipulative asshole

 

[SweetGigi]

If I continued, I think I would out him. As a warning to others, but hopefully as a sort of shock therapy to him as well. I really don't think he sees how his actions are destructive and how continuing on such a path will only lead to his and other's heartache.

I don't think he is 'dangerous', but I do think he is manipulative and very much a control freak. I know he has a lot of issues he needs to deal with... but instead he flits from woman to woman (often collecting them at the same time) and never allows for true change in his life.

 

[Dominant_Chef]

Some of you have expressed interest and concern in what happened in my life recently. Thank you all so very much for your well wishes and strength shared. It means a lot to me- more than you know. I am more than willing to tell what happened, but I wanted to pose a question to you guys first. If you came to know of repeated indiscressions and preditory actions of someone, would you feel it is your duty to warn others about this person and their actions? Would you feel you owe it to other possible victims to tell them what happened to you? Or is it everyone's own responsiblity to find out if someone is genuine or false?

A serious question, a serious reply... My immediate feeling is expose the fucker but, then what... They make a new Literotica name and they are free to harm others...

The other side of the coin is to expose them by their real name but you could end up treading thin ice by taking this route...

So sadly it points to letting others find out their own plight, unless you are prepared to name him by his real name...

I suppose you could warn others of his location though... that would make them think twice if they were chatting to somebody in that area...

 

[SweetGigi]

He does not have an active account (that I know of) here on Lit. He does use a few other websites within out lifestyle as his preditory grounds. He uses the same screen name generally with each account and is starting to be more active within his local community.

Honestly on any other occasion, I would just dismiss him and his memory and keep on trudging. But this has shaken me to my core. I don't think I will ever be the same... which is probably a good thing, but still. I feel shattered and broken- even more so than before.

 

[Netzach]

People are liable to write off good advice as "ex with axe to grind."

It's like telling them smoking is bad for them. You still *do* it, but don't expect them to thank you and don't expect them to quit.

 

[CutieMouse]

I'm not a fan of witch hunts - especially online witch hunts.

Think about how overwhelmed BDSM message boards would be if we all ran about "warning" one another when things didn't work out/our sense of self was shaken/we felt manipulated. There wouldn't be space for any other topic.

As cold as it may sound, caveat emptor and all that.

 

[minx1]

He does not have an active account (that I know of) here on Lit. He does use a few other websites within out lifestyle as his preditory grounds. He uses the same screen name generally with each account and is starting to be more active within his local community.

Honestly on any other occasion, I would just dismiss him and his memory and keep on trudging. But this has shaken me to my core. I don't think I will ever be the same... which is probably a good thing, but still. I feel shattered and broken- even more so than before.

You must feel terrible Gigi. It sounds like you have been through the mill.

But perhaps its not the best time for you to make a decision on outing him? Why not wait a few days and see if you still feel the same. When/if you do and how you do it will count and honestly I think if people see you say that you are shattered and broken, they may think you are just not over him or something; however apt that is.

I would wait and collect my thoughts. If you do it, do it when you aren't feeling any anguish. That way it will be more credible to others.

Please don't think I am questioning what he has done, I am just offering you the best advice I can.

 

[Netzach]

I'm not a fan of witch hunts - especially online witch hunts.

Think about how overwhelmed BDSM message boards would be if we all ran about "warning" one another when things didn't work out/our sense of self was shaken/we felt manipulated. There wouldn't be space for any other topic.

As cold as it may sound, caveat emptor and all that.

Yep.

Because someday you will be "the asshole" in a relationship - probably much LESS the asshole, but it doesn't matter - and you will hear all kinds of things about yourself and it will be uncool. Karmic stuff. I'm talking about a simple "you may not want to get serious" if you are asked by the new potential partner what happened or something like that. I tell, but I don't get into it.

There are just some simple etiquitte things that apply BDSM or not.

 

[minx1]

I'm not a fan of witch hunts - especially online witch hunts.

Think about how overwhelmed BDSM message boards would be if we all ran about "warning" one another when things didn't work out/our sense of self was shaken/we felt manipulated. There wouldn't be space for any other topic.

As cold as it may sound, caveat emptor and all that.

You said what I was thinking CM.

Blimey I could fill a thread alone with just the manipulative and controlling people (men and women)I know, as for those who have been adulterous or have acted inappropriately or badly....I could probably add myself to the list somewhere, I am afraid to say.

Thats why it would have to be something pretty severe for me ever consider it and even then I would probably do it privately or wait until my advice was sought *shrugs*

 

[Netzach]

I also have to say there's something really unsatisfying about trashing the ex - I can't say I've never done it, but it feels very weakening to me, it doesn't feel like I'm operating from a power position and getting over anything.

 

[Homburg]

Honestly, I think your own situation is the best thing to learn from. The private warning, sent at the appropriate time, was what saved you. Leave him behind, darlin, and maybe keep an eye out just in case.

I would say that word gets around, but we all know it won't really. The scene is too disperse, with too many fresh faces entering. It's a shame, but that is the nature of the beast. And people can say things, but the scene tends to look down on it when they do.

Hell, the highest profile top in this area is such a notorious asshole/user that he has to drive two hours away to go to a munch. Sounds like the scene has figured out his proclivities and sent him off, right? Well, it has taken nearly ten years to get to that point, and the most negative thing that the average person will say about the guy is that he is "a bit arrogant".

 

[SweetGigi]

I really appreciate everyone's thoughts and feelings here. I knew I could come here and get real and thoughtful answers.

I really don't want to 'hunt' him down. I don't want to cause a huge witch hunt. Mebbe a public outing isnt best, but I still feel that warning the one person was right. I have no malice in my heart here and am not trying to be cruel or bash him to feel better. i know that won't help. However, I can't shake the thoughts of 'what if I hadn't been warned', 'what if I had dismissed her email and not investigated deeper'? I wouldn't want anyone else to experience what I've dealt with, but I really don't know how to feel.

 

[Netzach]

It also depends. Is the disillusionment "I have a rap sheet 5 pages thick, I am a con man stealing from hundreds of seniors" or "safeword, hahahahahaha, I'll break her ribs if I want (as a surprise)" or just "I pretty much have 15 girlfriends at once."

I'm not assuming anything, just that "warning" in terms of *illegality* may be very very warranted.

 

[intothewoods]

I agree with what minx, Netz, CutieMouse and Homburg have said.

I also went through something similar to what you're feeling, but at the end of the day, the information wasn't something he himself didn't already share. I was just an idiot.

It really does matter what we're talking about, along the lines of what Netz said. Are we talking he's a cad, or does he have a really expensive drug habit which he's hiding and, oh, btw your car was recently stolen?

Btw, just for the hell of it -- on the subject of cads, people, it's a warning sign if your new sweetheart talks about what a horrible asshole ex no. 1, 2 and 3 were, and oh how they ruined his or her life and it was all their fault.

 

[SweetGigi]

I understand what you are saying. He isn't a mass murderer or anything. But if he gets his hands on a woman who, God forbid, cant see the forrest for the trees he could be very very bad. I mean he nearly had ME convinced I needed to be comitted to an insitution for long term care because of some childhood issues that have spilled into my adulthood. I'll be the first to admit I have some things to work out and I am seeking help, but someone who is so smooth that he can nearly talk an otherwise rational and sane person into thinking that a straight jacket is her only hope scares me. I worry his next victim won't be as strong as I am or get the blessing of mysterious email. I also worry about him. I wish he could see how damaging his actions are to his life.