Aftercare

[Sub_Space]

I'm curious about aftercare. How do you specifically do it?

When my sub and I do a scene--basically, anything that gets either of us into any kind of altered, meditative state, there is some aftercare involved.

Since I am primarily the Domme, I usually am the one giving the aftercare. I'm very new at this, so it's pretty haphazard for the both of us. After flogging him for a while, he will sometimes get into a state where he needs to stay lying down and silent for some time.

Once he's made it clear that he's done being flogged/beaten and needs to rest, I usually lie beside him, or apply aloe to his back(unless he wants to keep the welts) and give him a back massage until he's ready to come out of sub space.

I ask what other people do because I've found that this can be a very delicate mental state for some people. When I was less experienced, I once left the room to use the bathroom/wash my face and let him rest, and realized that it was a bad idea to leave him alone just the way he was. Likewise, when I've just been beaten, I want someone to be sitting/lying beside me to help me process the rush.

Any thoughts?

 

[shy slave]

It varies from person to person.

I think it is best to discover between you what works for you both.

I personally hate and loathe aftercare, finding it akin to nails on a blackboard.

I have tolerated it, but that was because the Dom needed to do it for himself, not for me.

I know I am not alone in disliking it, which means conversation before a scene, as oppose to finding out later what someone needs or wants seems best.

I have heard Doms talk of having to give, hugs, blankets, cuddles reassurance etc etc as part of aftercare, all of which seems a step too far; and makes me wonder who is actually in control.

But that is a different subject....

 

[ecstaticsub]

To be totally honest after I am flogged/beaten/caned/humiliated whatever there is only one thing that I really need--for my Daddy to fuck me. And fuck me for a long time that goes from real hard eventually to loving, gentle emotional type of sex. Then we both need a nap together (or a shower or both)

 

[the captians wench]

Actually I vary from scene to scene and top to top.

Usually, if it's a hard beating/pain of some sort, I need time to sit and get my head back, then juice, then if it's just a playmate and not some one I'm romantic with I might ask for a hug, I might not.

If I'm pushed to tears, afterwords I need a lot of cuddling, again juice (I'm hypoglyciemic, juice is almost always administered to me after and some times durring a scene), and just lots of lovey stuff. I don't nessisarily need to be told that I've done well at this point, but it does feel good.

If it's humiliation play, I need a lot of cuddling and reasurance that I did well and that it was done for fun.

I have had one or two tops who could beat me/fuck me and then just leave me to pick myself back up, but it is very rare. I don't usually handle that sort of thing well, and if you leave me to put my head back on by myself, odds are you won't get to come back and play with me.

But there was one who I didn't want to touch or cuddle me at all. After we were done he'd say "that's enough", pause a moment, then walk out the door and play on the computer until I was okay enough to go over give him a hug and tell him goodbye then drive home.

So it really depends on a lot of factors for me.

 

[callinectes]

I have never understood why a Dom is considered not to be in control or some kind of softie if he provides aftercare. Daddy likes to beat until I cry. He finds the tears arousing. He also likes to fuck me hard while I am still crying. Afterwards we collapse in a heap and he wraps me up in his arms and holds me while I come back down. He likes it, I like it. *shrug*

 

[Netzach]

I don't like it on the bottom if the play is hard or the person isn't T. At all. I want to be left alone and to have the onus of coming up on my own. With T it's wonderful, but the sex is always like that, I don't have to be worked over first.

I don't like to feel like I *have* to provide any one kind, especially with a slave. I should be able to get up and wash my face. I should be able to expect him/her to start picking up the place and pack, as soon as I've done first aid. I should be able to expect cold water to be brought to me after all that work.

Those are all the things I've done for the people topping me, as a continuance of respect and my appreciation for them taking the time and having the skill. Honestly, I feel like this is very ass-backwards a lot of the time to my world, and I've seen endorphins flowing much less strongly than people seem to think they're flowing all the time, a long come-down for every deer flogging out there. I don't think any less of the Dominants in these cases, but I don't want to play like that, and I resent the implication that it makes me not cognizant or not understanding of the bottom. I have expectations. It's a joy for a lot of bottoms to encounter expectations that aren't about their comfort.

Lest this sound like I'm Madame asshole, I make it a point to thank bottoms, thank my slave, and show that gratitude for a moment. I think this is often overlooked, too. There's nothing lame about that appreciation.

 

[callinectes]

I don't like it on the bottom if the play is hard or the person isn't T. At all. I want to be left alone and to have the onus of coming up on my own. With T it's wonderful, but the sex is always like that, I don't have to be worked over first.

I don't like to feel like I *have* to provide any one kind, especially with a slave. I should be able to get up and wash my face. I should be able to expect him/her to start picking up the place and pack, as soon as I've done first aid. I should be able to expect cold water to be brought to me after all that work.

Those are all the things I've done for the people topping me, as a continuance of respect and my appreciation for them taking the time and having the skill. Honestly, I feel like this is very ass-backwards a lot of the time to my world, and I've seen endorphins flowing much less strongly than people seem to think they're flowing all the time, a long come-down for every deer flogging out there. I don't think any less of the Dominants in these cases, but I don't want to play like that, and I resent the implication that it makes me not cognizant or not understanding of the bottom. I have expectations. It's a joy for a lot of bottoms to encounter expectations that aren't about their comfort.

Lest this sound like I'm Madame asshole, I make it a point to thank bottoms, thank my slave, and show that gratitude for a moment. I think this is often overlooked, too. There's nothing lame about that appreciation.

Regarding the text I have bolded...that's great if that's how you want to do it. I don't think it says anything negative about you. Similarly, I resent that my PYL type is regarded as not being in control because enjoys holding me after a session. He does it because he wants to.

 

[Netzach]

Regarding the text I have bolded...that's great if that's how you want to do it. I don't think it says anything negative about you. Similarly, I resent that my PYL type is regarded as not being in control because enjoys holding me after a session. He does it because he wants to.

Yeah, that's quite lame. There's nothing wrong with it if it's how you genuinely roll. There's a mainstream of thought out there, especially in certain how-to books which basically tell the newb Dominant YOU MUST DO THIS or you're an ABUSER!

 

[Homburg]

*shrug* I view aftercare as my perogative. I play with two classes of people: my own slaves, and random bottoms that I'm not fucking. With my slaves, I do after care, or not, entirely on whim. There tends to be something along the lines of verbal encouragement, sure, but not some pattern of bring-down or somesuch.

Sure, if I feel like rewarding, I'm there. But, damn, I am caning her because _I_ want to cane her. She may enjoy it, but she is basically along for the ride. Don't get me wrong, part of my enjoyment revolves around what she is experiencing, and that is frequently orgasms, pleasure, etc, but at the end of the day these activities are occuring because I want them to. Why then should I feel obligated to somehow bring her down softly? She has tasks to be about, and, as Netz said, I'm probably thirsty.

That said, M/s is a different world. So is 24/7 frequently. *shrug*

With the bottoms, it's a bit of a different story because the environment is a bit different. It is frequently public play, and I don't want to turn some gal drunk on endorphins loose into gen-pop. It is my responsibility to keep her safe and secure until she is capable of making good decisions again. Compare this to my slaves who usually get played with in private, under controlled circumstances. While I have the same duty to protect and defend, said duty is nowhere near so onerous as the environment is controlled and safe.

 

[twysted73]

She clings to me. I encourage it. This is our method of easing her slowly out of subspace.
If she needed a hard fucking, I'd provide one for her.
But when we dig deeply as we often attempt, a clinging is what she requires and responds to the best/most often at the moment.

 

[the captians wench]

I don't like it on the bottom if the play is hard or the person isn't T. At all. I want to be left alone and to have the onus of coming up on my own. With T it's wonderful, but the sex is always like that, I don't have to be worked over first.

I don't like to feel like I *have* to provide any one kind, especially with a slave. I should be able to get up and wash my face. I should be able to expect him/her to start picking up the place and pack, as soon as I've done first aid. I should be able to expect cold water to be brought to me after all that work.

Those are all the things I've done for the people topping me, as a continuance of respect and my appreciation for them taking the time and having the skill. Honestly, I feel like this is very ass-backwards a lot of the time to my world, and I've seen endorphins flowing much less strongly than people seem to think they're flowing all the time, a long come-down for every deer flogging out there. I don't think any less of the Dominants in these cases, but I don't want to play like that, and I resent the implication that it makes me not cognizant or not understanding of the bottom. I have expectations. It's a joy for a lot of bottoms to encounter expectations that aren't about their comfort.

Lest this sound like I'm Madame asshole, I make it a point to thank bottoms, thank my slave, and show that gratitude for a moment. I think this is often overlooked, too. There's nothing lame about that appreciation.

You know, this is one thing I did like about "master asshole". We had a ritual. When he was done with me, I'd fetch his coke(if he had one), he'd walk me to the door (me crawling being led by my pigtails), then I'd turn, kiss each shoe lovingly, then his fully clothed cock, back up, put my head to the floor-ass up bow and thank him. He'd say "you're welcome" and once the door shut behind him I'd go get a shower, something to eat maybe a nap, just go on with my day.

But I was brought out of it a little before that. I was usually permited to rest my head on his knee until I was a good way back and I had finished my juice.

Personally, I'm a touchy feely person anyway, so it's natural for me to want to be held and cuddled after I've been pushed. I really enjoy it, but not so much when it feels forced. I don't need the whole cuddle and praise bit, but I do require a "hey, you okay now?" before you walk out the door, or you might as well loose my number.

 

[ShyVixen]

Personally, I'm a touchy feely person anyway, so it's natural for me to want to be held and cuddled after I've been pushed. I really enjoy it, but not so much when it feels forced. I don't need the whole cuddle and praise bit, but I do require a "hey, you okay now?" before you walk out the door, or you might as well loose my number.

I'm like Wenchie, I'm a very touchy feely person. I'm reassured through touch - and I don't mean the clingy, cannot let go of you kind of touch. I mean a stroke of my hair, a pat of my arm. Aftercare is important to me. Mainly because in a vanilla relationship I've had the bad sexual experiences which involved him walking away immediately after sex for a variety of reasons I won't go into and me equating that with having done something drastically wrong and upsetting him to the point where he didn't even want to look at me.

So, yes, after a scene...if I'm trusting someone enough to beat me, I'm trusting them to make sure I'm okay. Fortunately I'm very lucky, my Dom gives me exactly what I need - a lie down and a cuddle.

 

[Harmony_1985]

I'm the same, I need to know that he cares afterwards, to reassure me despite the fact I'm quite a confident person.

We lay on the bed and cuddle. He wraps his arms around me and cuddles me while I rest up and get my energy back, strokes my hair too and coo's over me, telling me he loves me.

He acts like a hard ass most the time, but he's a big softy really haha.

 

[ataxia.girl]

It depends on the relationship. Sometimes i want it, sometimes i don't. i do probably need it whether i want it or not but that part is very personal and a play partner isn't going to be able to give me what i need then most likely anyway.

 

[WickedEve]

With my slaves, I do after care, or not, entirely on whim.

I suppose that works with someone you know pretty well. I would think a dom would be more consistent with a sub/slave he's not as familiar with. In the beginning I needed some after care but not now. Yesterday was a cane day. I started my usual negotiations. Got a few less hits with the cane. Almost not worth all the begging and screaming, but he seems to tolerate it. Afterwards there's sex, then we go on about whatever we were doing before it all started. The after care just doesn't seem to be needed anymore. Maybe we need to reach a new level where it is needed? Not sure. Maybe it is time for more intensity.

 

[kinkyknickers]

I'm always told to say thankyou and don't expect sympathy after a beating, but that's okay, because I do specifically ask for it, and it's not done as punishment, so why would I need looking after?
I'll usually get the_mgp a glass of water and be a bit more attentive if she's been particullarly used and thrown around, she's only little after all.

 

[the captians wench]

I'm always told to say thankyou and don't expect sympathy after a beating, but that's okay, because I do specifically ask for it, and it's not done as punishment, so why would I need looking after?
I'll usually get the_mgp a glass of water and be a bit more attentive if she's been particullarly used and thrown around, she's only little after all.

I think this is what trips me up. I don't consider it sympathy really, but I can see how it can be viewed that way. For me, it's more to bring me back home so to speak. I slip into a headspace where I am very sujestable very easily. It's a trait I some times worry about after dealing with people who weren't good for me. Aftercare is more about "hey are you still in there?" for me than "awe that bruse looks bad, let me kiss it and make it better." Fucking right it'd better look bad, I wear my bruses with pride.

 

[callinectes]

I think this is what trips me up. I don't consider it sympathy really, but I can see how it can be viewed that way. For me, it's more to bring me back home so to speak. I slip into a headspace where I am very sujestable very easily. It's a trait I some times worry about after dealing with people who weren't good for me. Aftercare is more about "hey are you still in there?" for me than "awe that bruse looks bad, let me kiss it and make it better." Fucking right it'd better look bad, I wear my bruses with pride.

Same here Wenchie..it isn't sympathy. We share the intimate and quite closeness of two people in love that have just had an intense emotional experience. He needs to hold me and tell me he loves me just as much as I need to melt into him and tell him how much I love him. If it ain't "bdsm-ey" enough, then so be it.

 

[rida]

It depends on the relationship. Sometimes i want it, sometimes i don't. i do probably need it whether i want it or not but that part is very personal and a play partner isn't going to be able to give me what i need then most likely anyway.

I'm with her ^

As for what I need as aftercare that also depend, I noticed, with the dynamic that is in place and the emotions that got worked up by the scene. Right after, more often than not I just need to lay still with him laying down next to me. Sometime I want to be held but more often than not (and that surprised me) I don't really want to be touched, just to know that he is there, and being able to look at him, caress him, kiss him if I want/need. Sometimes I'm so deep in service mood that all I want and need is to go down on him and when done, soap him up and wash him and/or massage his shoulders/back/arms/legs everything.

The real need for emotional aftercare comes usually in the following days, when I need to work through the feelings and emotions and than it is very important that I can talk them out. Usually Hubby is up for listening to me, guiding me through my circular reasoning. But sometimes he is not (life is busy/stressful and any other real life circumstances that keep him from being able to be there for me) and those time it really suck.
So I do self-care: write, sometime drink a bit too much, watch a sappy movie and cry.

One of the most surprising discovery on this journey is that for all my being touchy/feely and always talking, right after an intense experience I just want to be still and silent and don't want to be touched.

 

[hersforever]

The amount of aftercare I need is directly related to the type and intensity of the play. If we just finished a very intense scene, I need to be held and reassured that I made Mistress happy. It is this that makes me feel the most happy, accepted, and content.

But if the play is not very intense, then all I need is a few minutes to relax let my brain center, and get warm again. (I tend to get very cold during a scene)

But in the end, any level of aftercare is a wonderful thing, and I feel closest to Mistress during and immediately after.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Like Homburg said, 24/7 M/s puts a slightly different perspective on things. If we have a whole day or evening together and a scene has been long and drawn out, I might appreciate some cuddling and a wind down but whether I get it or not depends largely on Master's mood. He's not inconsiderate but he doesn't coddle me either.

I don't require much aftercare unless I've been tripping out in subspace. I can get teary and irrational if he leaves me to go wash up or something and I float down from my euphoria cloud to find myself alone. He doesn't permit me the luxury of subspace that often because it renders me useless as a slave and watching me zone out only has so much fascination for him after 2 years.

Sometimes, he gets a kick out of leaving me sobbing and shaking in a pool of cum, spit and sweat. He enjoys simply walking away and leaving me to put myself back together. Obviously, he uses his discretion and as we live together, it's not as though he's going far. Usually, it gives me an extra little kick, especially if he's been engaging in a lot of humiliation/degradation.

 

[ataxia.girl]

The real need for emotional aftercare comes usually in the following days

i find that right after if it was very intense i'm just sort of in shock and not really able to process. i just want to go to sleep usually. In the following days i tend to be more cuddly than i am normally, which isn't very cuddly at all, with my entire family.

i like who i am for a few days after being used hard. i'm nicer, more sensitive and more loving. i've been accused of being cold. BDSM is one of the only things i find that breaks through that. It used to be a little scary but it isn't really anymore. i find i don't really need aftercare anymore in order to feel comfortable being vulnerable which is what i am for awhile after i've been used really hard.

 

[Yasashii_Kaze]

I need to be stroked. I need to be petted. I need to be caressed. Call it weak, but I need to be reassured that every strike was made with care and affection. That doesn't mean I want to be coddled or treated like a child. Even though I've never had a flashback to my past during a session, I live with that fear in the back of my head that one day I will. Every time he brushes his fingers over a painful place he created, it reminds me that I am here, in his hands, in this present moment. When it's all over, whether we've made love, fucked, or just collapsed in exhaustion on the bed together, I need held until my breathing eases.

 

[peterbrazen]

Just saw this thread . .

I have found it important never to leave the sub when play is done . . each sub needs or requires various after care treatments which are readily available.

I like to check in on them the next day to chat and see if the experience was even better than the last.

 

[Wolfspet]

I need aftercare if I've gone into subspace during a scene. I need a bit of time to come back to reality, with a blanket over me and the lights dim. Don't care if I'm alone or not. Sometimes I need a drink of water if I've screamed a lot, and sometimes I need help to the bathroom. (I have fibromyalgia, so I don't know if this is true for everyone, or if I'm especially wimpy.)

Once I'm back, I can get dressed and resume serving. If it hasn't been very intense, I'm ok, and we can just get on with whatever we're doing next.

I do really like the idea of a cold drink and whatever the PYL needs, since they've been working hard dishing out whatever I'm working to take. I'll be sure to do that as soon as I'm able the next time we play. (Wolf never drinks enough fluids, but she'll drink whatever I bring to her. She just never thinks to drink if it's not in front of her.)