Prepare for the worst....

[SweetGigi]

....and hope for the best.

Just last week, a couple that James and Carlos knows was struck with tragedy. The dominant's submissive suffered a massive brain stem stroke while driving and crashed her car into a parked vehicle. She was rushed to the ER and put into a medical coma until they could discern what exactly was wrong and what to do. Unfortunately, the submissive was pronounced brain dead and allowed to pass from this life as dignified as possible. She is mourned but not forgotten and the dominant is devastated. We are however thankful for two things: one that he is loved, cared for and supported by dozens of fellow kinksters and loved ones who mourn with him and two that his submissive was also his wife. If you would please keep him in your thoughts/prayers as he adjusts to such a dramatic change and blow.

I seem to remember sometime last year reading an article about a submissive who was struck with just such a tragedy, but the blow was intensified by the fact that her long time dominant of 20 yrs, or so, was not her husband and his estranged family refused to let her be a part of his funeral or the division of his assets and their communal property. To add insult to injury, I believe I remember reading that she was even locked out of their home and not allowed to retrieve any of her things for quite some time and his ex wife was given a majority of his precious things since he had not changed his will (apparently) since their divorce. I cannot even begin to imagine living with such a traumatic blow of losing a loved one, but to have to endure such insulting behaviour from people who weren't even a part of your significant others' life has to be completely and utterly devastating.

So I am bringing this very sad issue up for two reasons. One, to bring awareness to those of you who are not in marital situations with your partners of such things. I also want to ask those of you who have done so, what sort of arrangements have you made for your non-spousal SO and what sort of advice do you offer others who might want to make plans for their own in the event of a tragedy?

 

[YourCaptor]

I think the gay community has had to deal with this sort of thing for a long time. I bet they got a few tips and tricks to pass along.

 

[sanjuaneros]

Honestly the only thing that comes to mind right now is a living will. I have had one since I was 18 and I update my yearly. I have where and to whom everything goes. Who is allowed to do what. I also have my funeral arrangements and all of that done too.

I am sorry for their tragedy.

 

[Etoile]

I think the gay community has had to deal with this sort of thing for a long time. I bet they got a few tips and tricks to pass along.

Actually, D/s relationships have even more legal standing than same-sex relationships, even if neither is legally consecrated. Straight couples can have what's called a "common law" marriage in 11 states and Washington DC; many other countries have this too. Basically the only things required are (1) be one man and one woman (2) not be married to anybody else (3) be known in your community as husband and wife - that is, people you know must think of you as a couple. Even in DC, where domestic partnerships can be registered, common law marriages still don't apply to gay people. And in places where common law marriages aren't recognized, you can usually still see your partner on their deathbed if you're heterosexual...a man just has to say "she's my wife" and he'll be believed in most cases, even if he's not wearing a wedding ring.

That said, the issue of dying alone or being shut out of funeral/inheritance issues is well known to the gay community. It is a tragedy any time it happens, to anyone - gay, straight, kinky, vanilla.

 

[graceanne]

This happened to my sister when her boyfriend commit suicide. They wouldn't tell her anything, just said it wasn't her problem. It could have been worse - the apartment they were living in was in her name, and she had all his stuff so to get it they had to be civil. She thinks they blame her for his death. I think that I can see why he turned out like he did. Assholes.

 

[SweetGigi]

I agree that a living will is always the best route for anyone. This is why I am bringing it up. They cannot (in most cases) be contested and if they are they usually hold up so long as the person keeps them up regularly. So another question I suppose I have is this: in non-spousal partnerships of love, where at least one partner is married to another person, how do you think it is best to divide things up amongst your loved ones? Naturally you are married to another for a reason, whether it be love, convenience, kids, etc; how do you discern who gets what in a way that no one feels slighted? More-over, for those who are in situations where their married partners don't know they are in another relationship, how do you arrange for that? (mind you I do NOT condone infidelity, I am merely asking.)

 

[SubKekiLee]

I am truly sorry to hear of this story. it saddens me it is why I always have been married cause of the legal ramifications of living together if something happens to one or the other partner.. BUT I do not want to go that route again I will make sure that if I get serious with Sir, We will have in place a living will for both of us so neither of us suffer if something happens to one or the other of us

I hate to even think of that day.... with our 1 year anniversary upcoming.. I hate that either of us, our lives would be cut short

 

[ecstaticsub]

I agree that a living will is always the best route for anyone. This is why I am bringing it up. They cannot (in most cases) be contested and if they are they usually hold up so long as the person keeps them up regularly. So another question I suppose I have is this: in non-spousal partnerships of love, where at least one partner is married to another person, how do you think it is best to divide things up amongst your loved ones? Naturally you are married to another for a reason, whether it be love, convenience, kids, etc; how do you discern who gets what in a way that no one feels slighted? More-over, for those who are in situations where their married partners don't know they are in another relationship, how do you arrange for that? (mind you I do NOT condone infidelity, I am merely asking.)

If something happened to my PYL his best friend has my phone number and he would tell me. And then that would be it. I have no claim on anything he owns, there would be no dividing anything up. His friends who know me know where to go in his house to remove (and destroy) any pictures or videos of me.

He loves his wife the way I love my husband and the way to show my love for him would be to respect his family and stay away from any funeral or end of life ceremonies. It wouldn't be easy, but it is the right thing to do.

 

[Netzach]

If something happened to my PYL his best friend has my phone number and he would tell me. And then that would be it. I have no claim on anything he owns, there would be no dividing anything up. His friends who know me know where to go in his house to remove (and destroy) any pictures or videos of me.

He loves his wife the way I love my husband and the way to show my love for him would be to respect his family and stay away from any funeral or end of life ceremonies. It wouldn't be easy, but it is the right thing to do.

I am pretty much in this situation as well. It's not ideal, but I consider this to be the high ticket of the relationships in question. If/whatever they want me to have they'll work out some way for me to get it, and that's that.

 

[Etoile]

Speaking of living wills...ALWAYS HAVE A WILL. Half the states in the U.S. accept holographic wills which basically means you hand-write the whole thing and don't need witnesses. Being intestate is NOT the way to go. Although I have benefited from an intestate estate myself, it took a protracted legal battle with my estranged father's brother for me to get it. I can certainly see it from his perspective: he cared for his brother (my father) in his last many years, he was my father's only other relative, and he felt he deserved the estate. There wasn't much to it, but he felt it was his. Unfortunately, New Jersey law specifies that an intestate estate goes entirely to the children, so I got it instead. Don't let your loved ones lose everything by not having a will. You must write the WHOLE THING in your own handwriting, then sign and date it. (My father's brother tried to forge a holographic will by typing it up and then forging my father's signature, which my mother recognized as a forgery. We informed his lawyer that we knew it was a forgery, and suddenly they decided to settle the lawsuit for less than a previous settlement offer I had made. So typing it does NOT work.)

Always have a will.

 

[Netzach]

Speaking of living wills...ALWAYS HAVE A WILL. Half the states in the U.S. accept holographic wills which basically means you hand-write the whole thing and don't need witnesses. Being intestate is NOT the way to go. Although I have benefited from an intestate estate myself, it took a protracted legal battle with my estranged father's brother for me to get it. I can certainly see it from his perspective: he cared for his brother (my father) in his last many years, he was my father's only other relative, and he felt he deserved the estate. There wasn't much to it, but he felt it was his. Unfortunately, New Jersey law specifies that an intestate estate goes entirely to the children, so I got it instead. Don't let your loved ones lose everything by not having a will. You must write the WHOLE THING in your own handwriting, then sign and date it. (My father's brother tried to forge a holographic will by typing it up and then forging my father's signature, which my mother recognized as a forgery. We informed his lawyer that we knew it was a forgery, and suddenly they decided to settle the lawsuit for less than a previous settlement offer I had made. So typing it does NOT work.)

Always have a will.

That's a good point. I have the DNR conditions I want written out and medical directives, but for the small amount of crap I have, I haven't bothered and even then probably should.

 

[callinectes]

I am amazed by the number of people I know that don't have wills. Everyone, especially if they have kids, should have a will.

 

[Etoile]

That's a good point. I have the DNR conditions I want written out and medical directives, but for the small amount of crap I have, I haven't bothered and even then probably should.

I have practically nothing, just a few possessions and very little money. But I know who I want it to go to, so I have a will. (Especially here in Virginia where she can't automatically inherit.) No matter how little you own, you should have a will. Homeless people should scribble a holographic will on a piece of paper and carry it around with them. Everyone should have SOME kind of will.

 

[wicked woman]

In Canada, if you don't write the will you want...you still have one...the laws of the country determine how your estate will be distributed.

Reiterating that all parents of dependent children need a will...if for no other reason than to comment on who you want appointed guardian of your child(ren). Even when I was divorced and my ex and I agreed on custody arrangements for our children, the government still had to agree that it was in the best interest of our children...and hey we were alive!

 

[FurryFury]

My understanding is that a living will still leaves you open to the whims of the person you entrust with making decisions for you should you become incapacitated and will not ensure anything. Is that not so?

I have a will that I update every so often. There are other ways to help insure things go the way you want.

Put both names on the cars, house, insurance, bank accounts and so on. Of course, if there is a separation this could put you up shit creek because the other person could wipe you and then put you deeply in debt but if you die in most states this will ensure your partner will get their share.

However in at least one state even this won't ensure your partner gets everything. In Louisiana, the kids get half, pretty much no matter what legal loop holes you try to plug. I don't think that's a bad thing mind you. It's just the way it is.

 

[Etoile]

However in at least one state even this won't ensure your partner gets everything. In Louisiana, the kids get half, pretty much no matter what legal loop holes you try to plug. I don't think that's a bad thing mind you. It's just the way it is.

Quite right...Louisiana has some of the most wacky will/estate laws anywhere. New York's holographic law is kind of weird, but nothing beats Louisiana.

 

[Etoile]

In Canada, if you don't write the will you want...you still have one...the laws of the country determine how your estate will be distributed.

It's still called dying intestate, it's not really a will. A will is something where you decide what you want to happen to your estate. It's called intestate succession.

Info on Canadian intestate succession here: http://www.professionalreferrals.ca/article-1219.html

And for the grammar kids, that's in-TEST-ate, not IN-tes-tate.

 

[celticsunspiral]

You need to be really careful in dealing with this, my mother passed away earlier this year and we had hell to go through. Since my mom lived in the same city with my sister, my sister was her medical power of attorney and also had her name on all my moms checking accounts. Nether of these really made much of a difference to the doctor's, bank management, etc.

We had to fight the doctor's for 3 days for them to follow the wishes my mother had told us repeatedly she wanted, then the same morning she passed they froze her bank account. It took almost a week to get the death certificate, by the way. My sister had to pay almost 100 dollars to get her bank account opened and what money was in there out, of course in the meantime we still had to pay her bills. They thought it was all worked out and would be fine, not!

One thing I learned even though you may not be thinking right, go withdrawal any money in their account as soon as possible.

 

[SweetGigi]

I'm really glad you guys are putting thought and effort into answering this. I know for some it is hard to think about, but it is a necessary part of life to deal with and should never be put off. Thanks again.

 

[Etoile]

I found out last night that a dear friend whom I hadn't seen in a while passed away earlier that day. I really, really hope he had a will; he had a long-term partner (last I knew) and was involved in the BDSM lifestyle. Fortunately he lived in Maryland which is not as backwards as Virginia, but still...I hope he was prepared.

 

[SweetGigi]

I found out last night that a dear friend whom I hadn't seen in a while passed away earlier that day. I really, really hope he had a will; he had a long-term partner (last I knew) and was involved in the BDSM lifestyle. Fortunately he lived in Maryland which is not as backwards as Virginia, but still...I hope he was prepared.

please let us know how things go. My prayers are with him and you, Etoile.

 

[Homburg]

This particular topic is one that has weighed on my mind recently. I still don't have any good answers either.

 

[myinnerslut]

while not near;y as bad, i was in the hospital all this past week with heart problems resulting in a surgical fix. im still lying in bed recouperating and my family has been great and let Master into the hospital room, wait through the surgery, even offering the house as a place for him to stay while he was in NY. since i got out of the hospital he has been taking care of me in the house as my parents are both working, even sleeping on the floor of my room so if i needed something in the night he was there.

flip the situation a bit and you have a bit more of an issue. while im sure viv and the kids would have no problem that i was there, i would get problems from the rest of the world. he can get places as "my boyfriend" that i cant get as "the girl hes with, no, the other one. the one whose not his wife" legally i havvnt a chance. it worries me a bit.