new poem, new poet, old man - feedback please

[MickNasty]

I'm not a poet. I don't even play one on TV. Just an old man who found, a bit late in life, that he loves to write.

The poem, cool things, that I posted is the first (well... 2nd, but you won't see the first) poem I've ever written. It was inspiried by a conversation I had with a friend where we started each sentence with "you know what would be cool?" then proceed to light each other up with our fantasies.

I'd love some feedback on it. I know its simple and unpolished, but it was something I needed to write.

Thanks all
Mick.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=382951

 

[unpredictablebijou]

It's a very cute poem.

Welcome to the forum!

bj

 

[Angeline]

I'm not a poet. I don't even play one on TV. Just an old man who found, a bit late in life, that he loves to write.

The poem, cool things, that I posted is the first (well... 2nd, but you won't see the first) poem I've ever written. It was inspiried by a conversation I had with a friend where we started each sentence with "you know what would be cool?" then proceed to light each other up with our fantasies.

I'd love some feedback on it. I know its simple and unpolished, but it was something I needed to write.

Thanks all
Mick.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=382951

Hi Mick and welcome to the forum.

We all gotta start somewhere and you have some good contrast (between hot and cool), erotic imagery and a bit of rhyme that doesn't overtake the poem. Those are all plusses. And I absolutely believe that the main people who need to be happy with a poem are the person who wrote it and whoever they wrote it for, so if you've achieved that you're on the right track.

It's basically a list poem (which is actually a standard type often used in poetry exercises). If you want to take it to the next level you should think about editing out any words you feel are unnecessary and about whether you are using the best words to say what you want to say. No one can really tell you what those are because poetry is so subjective. I suspect that if you asked ten people here what they think of a given poem, you'd get ten different opinions. And of course the more you write (and the more poetry you read), the better you'll know which are the best words and phrases, etc., for you. You'll also find that the more you write, the more you'll find your own style as a poet evolving.

There's loads of information about the forum and poetry resources here. And there's tons of great resources online. If you Google poetry exercise, for example, you'll find a bunch of sites that give you ideas for practicing poetry. I think the best resources here are the poets. This is a very supportive forum with many who are wonderful writers and very nice people to boot. Feel free to jump in on any of the threads, ask questions and get involved in the games and challenges here if you want.

Oh, and the reason I'm so damn mouthy is that I'm one of the forum moderators. I'm kinda like the welcome wagon.

 

[Safe_Bet]

I'm not a poet. [...]

Yes, you are. It's a "want to be" thing.

Listen to what Angeline and the others around here have to say. They are REALLY good and help "Us" less experienced poets get better. All it takes is getting involved (Oh, and writing poems!)

 

[Angeline]

Yes, you are. It's a "want to be" thing.

Listen to what Angeline and the others around here have to say. They are REALLY good and help "Us" less experienced poets get better. All it takes is getting involved (Oh, and writing poems!)

He sent me a really sweet note. He's not convinced he'll be back but maybe we'll work on him.

 

[MickNasty]

He sent me a really sweet note. He's not convinced he'll be back but maybe we'll work on him.

Thank you very much for the encouragement. I did write another after reading your note. Again, quite the beginner, but a different style (not that I'd know one style from the next).

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=383196

 

[Angeline]

Thank you very much for the encouragement. I did write another after reading your note. Again, quite the beginner, but a different style (not that I'd know one style from the next).

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=383196

I haven't had enough coffee to make a reasonable (maybe even coherent) comment, but right off the bat I see a cool rhyme ("Tick tock...cock") and some good phrases ("phantom tongue," "electronic porn"). You're learning fast.

There are a variety of ways you can write an erotic poem, a variety of poetic tools you can employ. And it's always better in poetry, because it's not prose, to rely on things like images, metaphors and which words you begin and end lines with to let the reader experience what you want to communicate. Just my opinion, but I think the more you can make your readers experience what you're writing about, albeit only in their imagination, the more your poem has succeeded.

Take a look at this erotic poem. And this one. And if I can recommend one of my own, this one. You know exactly what each of these poems is saying, but they don't use a single explicit word or image to say it. You can read thousands of erotic poems here that are very explicit and some of them are very well written, too. Most not so much. If you zag where everyone else zigs in their writing, you probably have a better chance of producing a more effective poem.

I bet you're seeing already that the more you think about this stuff, the more interesting ideas you can apply when you actually write a poem.

C'mon all you poets. He wants feedback: help him out!

 

[Safe_Bet]

digital clock!
09/08/08 by MickNasty
Wow - is that embarassing or what? I must have proofed it 10 times and each time missed it. It *was* supposed to read "clock". Guess my mind was elsewhere! Thanks for the feedback!

Mick, you are ALL RIGHT, dude! I dare say MANY of us (me included) wouldn't admit that that was an error! You on the otherhand are going to grow much faster due to you openness.

Angeline expressed what I was trying to say in my comments - only better (of, course).

P.S. LOL. I think Freudian slips are really funny, especially when writing erotica.

 

[MickNasty]

Mick, you are ALL RIGHT, dude! I dare say MANY of us (me included) wouldn't admit that that was an error! You on the otherhand are going to grow much faster due to you openness.

Angeline expressed what I was trying to say in my comments - only better (of, course).

P.S. LOL. I think Freudian slips are really funny, especially when writing erotica.

Maybe I wouldn't have been so quick to admit the mistake had I read Angeline's feedback first

Seriously - I really do appreciate the feedback. My first love is still writing my first story (novel?). Not the Hawaii stuff that I've posted - those are just distractions - but the one that I'm afraid to post. Nobody likes seeing their children beat up at school. But, writing those two poems was a different kind of thrill - hardly unpleasant. I guess I spent so much time explaining to computers how to communicate, I forgot how much fun it was to communicate with real people.

Again - thanks for the encouragement.

 

[MickNasty]

sonnet and villanelle

WickedEve suggested that I try my hand at a sonnet or villanelle. Here are my attempts at both. Thanks for making me feel welcome here, folks.

Feel free to constructively critique... telling me that the style isn't your cup of tea may not be the type of help I'm looking for, but honest opinions to help me get better are.

One note about senseless. I tried to make the title have real meaning for the poem, but I think I was too obscure in the reference. Suggestions on how I could have either made it more clear or does it really matter? (I'll post my meaning later)

Mick.


senseless - http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=383909

restrained - http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=384072

P.S. - One more question. when I tried to post a new poem, Death Goes Hunting, the keywords denied the use of the word "death". That sounds pretty extreme to deny a word that we're *all* going to do some day. So, is "death" such a bad thing to do a search on?

 

[normal jean]

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