I could use some of your wisdom about now....

[FFOTS4Life]

I have to admit the last few weeks have been a bit of a struggle for me...

I lost my father recently (not really a sad story...I hated the bastard anyway...) however this has left me and my sister in quite the odd position as we are now in control of his estate. He lived in TN and my sis and I are both in CA...so this has created many problems...aside from the fact that neither of us really wants to deal with anything that has to do with him.

As well one of my best friends was killed in Afghanistan. I not only grew up with him but am extremely close with his fiancee who understandably is taking his death hard. This has hit me the hardest....I just can't believe he is gone. It has also made me extremely paranoid about my own family (yes I have a big military family...and yes I was a military brat)...I have an older brother in Afghanistan and four cousins all in Iraq. I already lost my step brother in 06' over there and now...I don't know...I just hate the whole situation.

On top of all of this school has just started and I am working three jobs. So stress is already piling up.

Master finally came home after three weeks only to have to turn around and leave...before I even got to have a session with him. I felt terrible because he kept asking when I would have a chance...of course as usual he was extremely understanding about all the situations that seem to be going on at once...which made me feel even more guilty that I wasn't there for him.

I feel like I am in way over my head...all I want to do is curl up in my bed and cry. I can't get to sleep...I have dropped 10 lbs. (which admittedly is probably the one good thing to come of all of this)...I have no appetite and am finding I am having to force myself to eat.

I went to the doc. and she prescribed sleeping pills...but they seem to have the opposite affect. They make me extremely hyper...and I have this desire to drink alcohol...which is really not me. (Yes I know mixing sleeping pills/liquor is a horrible idea)

I know many of you have struggled with situations that have put you in the same place as that I am in right now...I don't want or need the details (unless you want to share) but I would like to know what finally pulled you out of your stupor.

 

[graceanne]

I have to admit the last few weeks have been a bit of a struggle for me...

I lost my father recently (not really a sad story...I hated the bastard anyway...) however this has left me and my sister in quite the odd position as we are now in control of his estate. He lived in TN and my sis and I are both in CA...so this has created many problems...aside from the fact that neither of us really wants to deal with anything that has to do with him.

As well one of my best friends was killed in Afghanistan. I not only grew up with him but am extremely close with his fiancee who understandably is taking his death hard. This has hit me the hardest....I just can't believe he is gone. It has also made me extremely paranoid about my own family (yes I have a big military family...and yes I was a military brat)...I have an older brother in Afghanistan and four cousins all in Iraq. I already lost my step brother in 06' over there and now...I don't know...I just hate the whole situation.

On top of all of this school has just started and I am working three jobs. So stress is already piling up.

Master finally came home after three weeks only to have to turn around and leave...before I even got to have a session with him. I felt terrible because he kept asking when I would have a chance...of course as usual he was extremely understanding about all the situations that seem to be going on at once...which made me feel even more guilty that I wasn't there for him.

I feel like I am in way over my head...all I want to do is curl up in my bed and cry. I can't get to sleep...I have dropped 10 lbs. (which admittedly is probably the one good thing to come of all of this)...I have no appetite and am finding I am having to force myself to eat.

I went to the doc. and she prescribed sleeping pills...but they seem to have the opposite affect. They make me extremely hyper...and I have this desire to drink alcohol...which is really not me. (Yes I know mixing sleeping pills/liquor is a horrible idea)

I know many of you have struggled with situations that have put you in the same place as that I am in right now...I don't want or need the details (unless you want to share) but I would like to know what finally pulled you out of your stupor.

First - take some deep breaths. NOW.

Second, I'm really sorry about your losses. *hugs*

Third, try some melatonin (you can get it any health food store). It works on people that sleeping meds don't. Or take benedryl - that's what I do when I can't sleep.

Beyond that, I'd consider going on anti-depressants for a bit while you handle all of this. Loss of sleep and weight loss are signs of depression. So is uncontrollable crying. It doesn't sound like you're clinically depressed, but like you just need a couple months boost to help you cope with the stress you're under.

Oh, and don't start drinking. Drinking cause you 'need to' is always a bad idea. I'd suggest taking up meditation, frankly.

Oh, and another *hug* cause you definitely need it.

 

[Essene]

Fotsie,

I too am having a rough bit of it.

I am sorry for your losses.

Now, as for you, is there some way that you could cut back on the jobs? You need time for yourself.

Stress is destroying me. Sounds like it's hurting you as well.

Despite not liking your father, you still mourn the loss. You could be experiencing situational depression, or past traumas could be resurfacing if there were any concerning your father.

I'm not a psychologist, but I'm fucked up enough to know when I should point someone else in the direction of therapy. *points* -->Therapy. Talk to someone. Even if only for a few sessions. A good licensed therapist should be able to objectively treat you, or point you in the direction that you need to go in.

Primary care physicians can also prescribe mood stabilizers and things, so if you don't want to go the route of therapy, there's always just checking in with a PCP.

Best of luck baby,

*hugs*

 

[YourCaptor]

Definitely find a way to get the sleep that is vital for you to function properly.

Priorities, make a plan, then do what needs to be done one thing at a time, and only focus on one thing at a time.

As for those in the war, vote to make things better.

You can do all this, you just need a rested mind and a place to start.

 

[minx1]

I am so sorry you are having a horrible time of it. I can really empathise with you. *hugs*

Having been in pretty stressful situations in the last few years myself, I really believe that the reason you feel so badly is the fact that you feel you have no control over events around you. Death of loved ones makes you very aware of your own mortality and your family's.

What pulled me out of my stupor? well I knew that no matter how bad things were there was one thing I was sure of...I didn't want to die. I was making myself ill. I decided to get better and take back control over the things I could control. But thats not easy to do especially when you are in the midst of it.

I would suggest taking everything in bite sized chunks. When you are depressed it tends to taint every aspect of your life. Everything seems so desperate and unmanageable. Working out how to deal with each thing seperately might help.
How do you manage it? Well for me it was trying to take control in the best way I could...about the things I could control. So I decided to stop drinking as I had been. And that if it meant I was going to be really stressed and ill for a short period of time, so be it.
I knew that sleep would return eventually, so I decided I wasn't going to panic about that either. It was horrible feeling so desperately tired but I just went with it.

For me going on anti depressants wasn't an option for personal reasons and I didn't feel comfortable taking sleeping pills. If you are working, you may need to talk to your employer about things and give them the heads up about how you are feeling. If you aren't just try to accept that sleep will come when you are ready. Its awful being awake in the middle of the night when you are on your own and feeling afraid and stressed. I think its one of the worst feelings in the world. Try watching a movie (even if you only half watch it), read a magazine (even if you only look at the pictures), chat on lit, phone someone (even if you wake them up!). Do anything that prevents the negative thoughts and worries from creeping in. I used to clean lol.

It will come back, I promise.

As for worrying about the mortality thing, well its a difficult one. Theres no point saying don't worry about something you can't control because in this case you can't help the feelings of anxiety and I think they are overwhelming you.
When you are in the midst of anxiety or panic its hard to focus in order to clear your mind and banish the negative thoughts. So i found something that used to help me focus. Lol this sounds silly but I wrote out some of the main points that I wanted to remember, phrases that would help calm me, affirmations, comforting words. In the middle of the night when I was alone and felt panicky I used to read them to myself and often found some comfort in that.

Death worries me. I saw my dad die and the memory haunts me. I know its something that is inevitable and that comes to us all but it scares me. So recently I have been reading books that I suppose offer different alternatives as to what happens after someone dies and different perspectives on death. It may sound morbid but I have to take control of it in my own way and the only way I can is to try and understand it and develop my own beliefs about what happens after and for me, I think knowing it will take the fear away.

Sorry this is a ramble. I hope you might find something useful in it, somewhere.

 

[Recidiva]

I second the benadryl. Not necessarily the melatonin. Melatonin makes me extremely groggy and depressed the next day, Benadryl I take every single night to help sleep, 50 mg. Experimentation with those can help you see if it'll work for you.

I'm so sorry for all your losses at this moment in time.

This is one of those moments when there's too much weight for you to carry and you will have to drop some things, if not everything, as you understandably collapse.

There is never a "good" time for grief and you can't schedule this. Just do the best you can, moment to moment.

When my brother died I was trying to cope with all the memories of him along with a deep dread of "none of this means anything!"

I dropped all my habitual thoughts and was in a wasteland and just kept sinking into patches of grief like deep hot tar that stuck to my skin and filled my lungs. Very few people are crazy enough to want to undergo traumatic surgery without anesthesia. This is one of those trauma moments emotionally when you should welcome some anesthesia. I'm not talking alcohol or drugs, but I mean in mental attitude. Watching the storm and not getting caught up in it. Make some space between you and the grief if you can and just...be there with it. You're on the table and this is a critical time, conserve your strength for surviving, not for feeling the pain.

Eventually I did acknowledge I just wasn't able at that moment to be my best self. And I did have to deal face on with the loss of "none of this means anything!"

Over time though, I did get my creative spirit and strength back, though it took a long while. My thoughts from that moment on were actually freeing. None of it means anything...but I can give it my own meaning, I can choose to make my life my art and have that be my meaning. There will be grief, there will be loss, and I don't think it is predictable or that it can be stopped entirely. Of all the things I had to drop, some were of value and I picked them back up, and some I could critically decide were dead weight and go on without them. That's the only value I know comes from times of deep grief. Weakness making you drop everything and some of those things you didn't know you were carrying.

But it can be healed over time with enough determination and patience.

Be easy on yourself, be well. If you would like someone to talk to, please feel free to PM.

 

[Betticus]

[rant]I haven't pulled out of my stupor. I still have the same hurts, the same scars, the same openly bleeding wounds..

They say time heals all wounds but that is so very not true. The pain of loss, of disappointment, of betrayal... it's all right there at the surface where in a moment it can come out to stab you from unexpected angles.

I don't have an answer to your hurts, nor do I have a direction for you to look.

All I can say is that if you let go of your caring of others and assess what you can do/build/engineer to save the rest your civilization will flourish.

When the downtrodden masses that you have based your society upon come from the underground and fall upon your accursed tables, you moneychangers, you prayer sellers, you fey of the magical that you profess to hold the secrets of life... When those masses see you for what you are, nothing but a charlatan in chains they will know that it was for their own knowledge that fate and a few dedicates people are standing between freedom and oblivion.


/Rant....] -

 

[kinkyknickers]

Time and talk.....

Sounds like a copout but it is honestly the only thing that I know truely works. At least I know the more I have of the above, the easier things get everyday.

 

[PertPerth]

I'm so sorry to hear that life has thrown you a little too much at the moment. I'm very sorry to hear about your losses - of your father too. Even if you didn't get along with him, there is something very final about death.

Talking to a psychologist can sometimes help more than talking to a friend or family member. I always like the external/third party point of view - they have no vested interest as they're not involved in anyway and yet will always be on your side.

I can't speak for your Master, but I'm guessing that he wouldn't want you to feel guilty for trying to look after yourself. I always say that we have to look after ourselves before we can look after (or serve) anyone else.

I'd suggest anti-depressants (just a low-ish dose taken at night only) rather than sleeping tablets. You'll probably find that they help you to sleep better than the sleeping tablets do. At least that is what I've found

One thing that you can do is prioritise and set yourself a routine. Routine is FANTASTIC for when you're overly stressed - as it means you don't have to think (or stress) about things. Prioritise about work - do you really need all three jobs, or could you manage with two? Prioritise about school - is it better if you'd take a semester off? Perhaps you could talk to your lecturers and ask for a week or two off?

I hope things settle down for you soon

 

[FFOTS4Life]

First off thank you all for your comments...I appreciate them all!

I am trying to find something to help me get to sleep. I have sleep apnea (which complicates what I can and can't take to help me sleep) I did call my doc and she suggested Melatonin too. So I am going to try it tonight. I can't take benedryl (ironically...I am allergic to it!)

I am a little weary of anti-depressants and talking to therapists.

When I was 10 I was in a car coming home from the circus with my cousin and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend fell asleep at the wheel and drove the car off of a bridge. For some reason I was lucky enough to be pulled out before the car was completely submerged but my cousin and her boyfriend did not make it.

After the accident I kind of shut down so my family sent me to therapy. I hated it! Everytime the guy would ask me to remember that night (I couldn't)...it was like he was out to drive me crazy. I was only 10...I didn't want to remember it! Ever since that time I have avoided therapists like the plague.

My friends and family keep telling me that I need to go talk to someone too. I just don't see that happening. Maybe I will get there someday...but even thinking about it makes the anxiety build up...which kind of defeats the purpose of talking to someone.

I don't know...I just hope I can get out of this hole I am in. I think I understand for the first time what people mean when they say they "feel like the walls are closing in on them."

 

[Recidiva]

You've got a basketful of challenges, huh?

Strength and hope through this. Seems you're strong as hell already.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Sorry to hear you are going through all this. With the Melatonin, if it doesn't work the first night don't give up as it may depend on the dosage you require. FOr most it is a matter of experimenting and gauging how it works best, and also I have been told by doctors that tablet form is more reliable than liquid as you know exactly how much you are getting in each tablet as opposed to luck with the liquid.

Catalina

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Be careful. You are on your way to a breakdown.

No sleep and stress and pressure is a sure fire way of that.

It's your body's way of telling you you're doing too much and need to slow down and to prevent any further damage happening to it or you.

Just take a deep breath and start figuring things out before it gets to be too late.

 

[fishercat]

Fotsie -

I'm so sorry for you losses, and for the stress you're going through right now.

Maybe this won't be any help, but for what it's worth here's my thoughts.

In your situation, informing your professors might or might not help. Accepting that you probably won't do your best work and that it's okay will help. You may find yourself coming through this faster or slower than many, you may have setbacks - we're all so different. Just give yourself some space to deal with the changes. There were times I allowed myself to feel the grief, and times I pushed it away to get things done. Sometimes you have to do that to survive.

I'm not familiar with estate law in TN, but I did spend a year settling an estate and property from a distance. If I can be of any help, please PM me.

 

[Primalex]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=MQ_bCXtaEuo

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I lost my father recently (not really a sad story...I hated the bastard anyway...) however this has left me and my sister in quite the odd position as we are now in control of his estate. He lived in TN and my sis and I are both in CA...so this has created many problems...aside from the fact that neither of us really wants to deal with anything that has to do with him.

... my family sent me to therapy. I hated it! Everytime the guy would ask me to remember that night (I couldn't)...it was like he was out to drive me crazy. I was only 10...I didn't want to remember it! Ever since that time I have avoided therapists like the plague.

My friends and family keep telling me that I need to go talk to someone too. I just don't see that happening. Maybe I will get there someday...but even thinking about it makes the anxiety build up...which kind of defeats the purpose of talking to someone.

People have addressed everything except the first portion quoted up there, so I'll "attack" that first. If you and your sister don't want to deal with this in person, and if his estate is at all substantial (e.g., over $10-15,000 worth), you can get a probate attorney in Tennessee to handle all the details (with your guidance as to what you want to have done with his property, etc.) for a fairly reasonable fee (usually a set percentage).

As for the second portion, you were only 10. The therapist you had was an ass if he kept trying to get you to do something you were so obviously opposed to. His purpose was supposed to be to help you work through your feelings about the situation, not make you relive it. You could have done that without reliving the experience. Your parents should have found you a pediatric psychologist/psychiatrist, and kept trying new ones until they found one with whom you could work, and to whom you could relate.

Secondly, you don't have to find a "therapist" to talk to. A minister/priest/rabbi/teacher/professor to whom you relate, a friend with some understanding of what you're going through and how to deal with at least some of the aspects of your situation, a good bartender... any of those can work. It's finding someone who will *listen* and gently guide (or help) you through the roughest shoals.

Good luck to you, and remember, if there's no one in your area that will work, you still (and always) have us to vent to and we'll offer our free advice. (Just remember that free advice is usually worth what you pay for it. )

 

[subbie_333]

Exercise. Outside.

 

[graceanne]

First off thank you all for your comments...I appreciate them all!

I am trying to find something to help me get to sleep. I have sleep apnea (which complicates what I can and can't take to help me sleep) I did call my doc and she suggested Melatonin too. So I am going to try it tonight. I can't take benedryl (ironically...I am allergic to it!)

I am a little weary of anti-depressants and talking to therapists.

When I was 10 I was in a car coming home from the circus with my cousin and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend fell asleep at the wheel and drove the car off of a bridge. For some reason I was lucky enough to be pulled out before the car was completely submerged but my cousin and her boyfriend did not make it.

After the accident I kind of shut down so my family sent me to therapy. I hated it! Everytime the guy would ask me to remember that night (I couldn't)...it was like he was out to drive me crazy. I was only 10...I didn't want to remember it! Ever since that time I have avoided therapists like the plague.

My friends and family keep telling me that I need to go talk to someone too. I just don't see that happening. Maybe I will get there someday...but even thinking about it makes the anxiety build up...which kind of defeats the purpose of talking to someone.

I don't know...I just hope I can get out of this hole I am in. I think I understand for the first time what people mean when they say they "feel like the walls are closing in on them."

You can get on anti-depressants without seeing a shrink. Most primary doctors will prescribe it, especially if you tell them everything that's going on.

 

[FFOTS4Life]

The best way to screw yourself even more....ignore everyone else's advice...

I completely and totally lost it last night.

I took the other night damn melatonin and it didn't work (like Catalina said...) of couse I didn't give it another shot.

I went out by myself to the next city over and went to this house commonly known on the college party scene as "Luigi's". And all I know is that I got totally smashed...and this is the really bad part....

I woke up not knowing where I was...completely sore....next to some naked guy. I would have started freaking out but I had such a bad hangover.

I couldn't find my clothes...so I am walking out of this little shack of a building with just this guys sheet around me and I have no idea where I am and where the hell my car is.

None of the signs around me are in english...and thats when it hits me...I am in Tijuana...fucking Mexico...and my car...big shock...it was stolen.

I missed the flight I was supposed to be one with my sister to Tenessee to go clean out my dad's house today.

I just sat down and cried...I was like that for awhile...

The guy who I was with (I think) came out a little while later....and thanked me again for the good time he and his friends had...and then handed me a phone.

My friend came and picked me up a little while later...and here I am home...

I don't know if these guys used condoms...I don't even know how big a slut I was last night...how many damn men were there?! Of course I stopped taking my birth control pills two weeks ago.

My insurance won't cover my stolen car because I wasn't supposed to take it out of the country.

My sister isn't speaking to me.

Well today it was like the little light in my head came on....time for me to stop making excuses...I am going to talk to someone tomorrow. I called when I got home and made an appointment.

My friend is sleeping over...she is pissed at me too and I think I have gotten the "how could you be so stupid" speech at least a million and two times since I got home.

I also got the "are you trying to get yourself killed speech"....And here I am crying because I am thinking maybe that was what I was hoping would come of last night....maybe I thought that I would get wasted and get into an accident or that I would drink myself to death....

And I keep asking myself...when did I let it get this bad?! This horrible feeling that I can't do anything...that I have control over nothing...how did I let it get to the point that it is absolutely consuming me?!

I am tired as hell...but the headache I have won't let me get back to sleep...I can barely walk....I am so sore.

I just can't believe how stupid I was...this isn't like me at all.

The thing is I so clearly knew I was close to something like this...I just got to the point that I didn't care.

And now I am sitting here praying to God that I am not pregnant and that I don't have any number of STD's and all I can think about is the fact that I went last night seeking out the worst...I wanted to be numb....I really wanted to die.

I am sitting her balling....crying like I have never done before in my life...wondering why Missel had to die and why the hell I couldn't get over myself and work things out with my father?!

Not only that but what is Master going to say when he finds out about all of this....I completely betrayed him. He has been so good to me and I turn around and do this?!

I am so tired...but I can't sleep...to much is going on in my mind...

I know I am ranting...but what the hell....I don't really care at this point.

In some ways I think it might be helping...

 

[BiBunny]

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

You're right to go find someone to talk to. The next thing you need to do is the morning-after pill. If you can get it in that 48-hour window, it'll greatly reduce the chance that you might be pregnant. Costs about $50 (here, anyway).

If your Master is even remotely human, he'll understand. We all make colossal fuck-ups sometimes. The difference between callous people who don't care about their fuck-ups and people who do care is that those of us who do care take steps to fix it, which is what you're doing.

My thoughts are with you.

 

[graceanne]

Holy. Cow.

*hugs*

 

[Noor]

Sweetie, you may have not done all the stuff in Mexico on your own just been drugged, it doesn't sound that way.

You need to get a morning after pill, and then get checked for stds in a bit.

Make your peace with your dad somehow, maybe write him a letter and then burn it outside... however you think it will get to him.

HUGS!

 

[vampire28]

Oh, sweetie...I'm so sorry this happened.

Hugs and my thoughts are with you.

 

[Essene]

Oh Fotsie. *hugs*

Call your doctor first thing in the morning and tell them you need to see them ASAP. Get your blood tested and the morning after pill.

I really care about you, and I'm so sorry that it came to this. I'm glad that you're in one piece. I'm glad you're still here.

If I can help you in any way please let me know.

 

[YourCaptor]

You need to pick up the pieces and make something of them.

1. Find someone to help you do all this, call a help line if you have too.
2. Look after your physical self in the now, morning after pill, blood tests, sleep, etc.
3. Get some help, see a doctor, psychologist, etc.
4. Initiate, do what needs to done to make your life positive again.