Fix a Flat, poem repair shop

[normal jean]

............ what was I thinking?

 

[normal jean]

Plum Tomatoes

plum tomatoes

If the sun ever moves
away from the front porch
I’ll plant plum tomatoes in the shade,

Near latticed frames you built
when we were more than strangers
sharing roof and walls.

We were good at building things
but we forgot to strengthen us
and dreams convulsed into boredom,
flaccid death rattle, and eventually

I think we’ve made a mistake.

Your departure resonates like thunder
on a cloudless day and loosens the soil
near the latticed frames you built

And had we both been plum tomatoes,
you never would have thought to build
those goddamned, latticed frames.

 

[Anschul]

I have a few poems that I did not get around to "fixing" in Anna's Spring Cleaning thread, so I am starting this one to reinflate the ones that need it. Anyone else who needs the space, be my guest, but I have no chef, no strippers, no buffoonery or acrobatics, just poems that need help.

as far as mine go, anyone who has a suggestion, it is welcomed. If you just wanna hide out and giggle at how bad my stuff is, (which I do when it is something I haven't seen in a long time) you're welcome to do that as well, but whatever the reason, if you enter, always know you are welcome here.



jean

SOB
...and then gets over it...

 

[annaswirls]

Hey Jean!

Good to read this one again. It is beautiful, really beautiful. Sentimental but in an earthy way, not sap...

Here is my suggestion for you. Re-think the punctuation and the sentence breaks-- it feels awkward somehow-- for example the shade,

Near

it feels chopped in a place where it had been smooth.


I think you should take out all line breaks and punctuation and capitalizing and start over-- it is sometimes easier than cutting a comma here, making a long set of phrases into two sentences there, etc. It feels like it is over-punctuated.



Just a thought. Because I think this is a great poem

plum tomatoes

If the sun ever moves
away from the front porch
I’ll plant plum tomatoes in the shade,

Near latticed frames you built
when we were more than strangers
sharing roof and walls.

We were good at building things
but we forgot to strengthen us
and dreams convulsed into boredom,
flaccid death rattle, and eventually

I think we’ve made a mistake.

Your departure resonates like thunder
on a cloudless day and loosens the soil
near the latticed frames you built

And had we both been plum tomatoes,
you never would have thought to build
those goddamned, latticed frames.

 

[normal jean]

...............

 

[normal jean]

.................

 

[Angeline]

plum tomatoes

If the sun ever moves
away from the front porch
I’ll plant plum tomatoes in the shade,

Near latticed frames you built
when we were more than strangers
sharing roof and walls.

We were good at building things
but we forgot to strengthen us
and dreams convulsed into boredom,
flaccid death rattle, and eventually

I think we’ve made a mistake.

Your departure resonates like thunder
on a cloudless day and loosens the soil
near the latticed frames you built

And had we both been plum tomatoes,
you never would have thought to build
those goddamned, latticed frames.

Welllll, since you said we're all welcome, I'll throw my two cents in. I agree with Swirly that you could shift some line breaks, maybe economize here and there (like "leaves" for "moves away from," for example). Thematically I love it, a moving sentiment that you paint well, but I think the second half after the italicized "mistake" line is much stronger than the first strophes, especially the third stroph. Maybe replace "building things" with something strong and concrete (another image, in addition to the lattice), and substitute something more construction-oriented for "strenghten," you know? I'd be interested to see how that worked.

You know I'm just trying to help, right? No giggling here. Hey and I'll cook for your thread if you ever want lol. I'm very equal opportunity focused. And I made really good chicken parm tonight. One bite and you'd think you were on Arthur Avenue in the Bronx.

 

[Anschul]

hey gorgeous!! If you wanna pop in and whip something up, I have a passion for anything Italian


smoochies

jean

How about Jean-Paul Belmondo? (God, but I give my age away)

 

[champagne1982]

First, I'd like to tell you I think it's wonderful that you've adapted and adopted anna's challenge thread. Then, I am so glad you're bringing back your garden poems. It's exciting to think about you creating a little chapbook with drawings or photos of each poetic subject illustrating your lovely words. What?? We can dream and I'm betting you'd make a wonderful book with your poems. ... Maria's Garden ... <sigh>

and here's the poem I wrote for The_Fool's STC.

Submissive Origami

I am made of stuff that bends
and twists but won't hold a crease
so my white cranes don't fly
and my lotus blossom petals
flatten on the pond to float
as lilypads, bouyant, pliant
and a place to rest, your throat
ballooning as you serenade
the lady beneath the pine
who cannot know the agonies
of coming undone in your hands.

An observant soul from elsewhere in the world, mentioned that he found my frog reference unfathomable so I figured I'd better edit. Maybe I've ruined the impetuousness of the write but I think I still get that sad feeling to come across.

Submissive Origami (geisha's song)

I am made of stuff that bends
and twists but won't hold a crease
so my white cranes don't fly
and my lotus blossom petals
flatten on the pond to float
as lilypads, bouyant, pliant;
a place to rest. Kaero's throat
balloons as he serenades
the maiko, outside the door,
who cannot know the agonies
of coming undone in your hands.

 

[normal jean]

..................

 

[unpredictablebijou]

Still sending love for your loss, and I am already working on a couple of drafts for this thread. I think this is an excellent perpetual resource to have in here and I'm glad you set it up.

love and comfort
bj

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I have submitted my origami poem but only after looking up Geisha and finding they didn't actually have bound feet. I did wonder about asking about that on here somewhere as there seem to be so many great scholars amongst us. Then I thought is Lotus Japanese ? So that had to come out too ... Chrysanthemum didn't have the same ring to it

 

[UnderYourSpell]

comments please

You tried to mend my hurt
but it was only words on paper
and tears melted through.
You tried to sing my blues away
but it was only notes
blown by the wind.
You tried to build a wall
but no cement
held it in place.
You tried to clip my wings
but I flew high
and out of reach.

 

[ghost_girl]

....................

 

[ghost_girl]

..................

 

[ghost_girl]

...................

 

[WickedEve]

plum tomatoes

If the sun ever moves
away from the front porch
I’ll plant plum tomatoes in the shade,

Near latticed frames you built
when we were more than strangers
sharing roof and walls.

We were good at building things
but we forgot to strengthen us
and dreams convulsed into boredom,
flaccid death rattle, and eventually

I think we’ve made a mistake.

Your departure resonates like thunder
on a cloudless day and loosens the soil
near the latticed frames you built

And had we both been plum tomatoes,
you never would have thought to build
those goddamned, latticed frames.

I totally love this poem. I love front porches, tomatoes, and I love someone who writes about the sort of things I write about sometimes.
I read Ange's comments and Anna's. Good line breaks sometimes come so easily and other times... ick. These aren't bad. You can tweak them here and there. As far as changing "moves away from" to leaves, you could. I like to eliminate extra words. But when I read moves away, I saw the sun, well, just moving away, not too far. Leaves gave me a new image of it completely going away. Guess it depends on what you really want to convey.

Anyway, you could probably combine the first two stanzas, if you want to lengthen your lines. Example:
If the sun ever moves away from the front porch
I’ll plant plum tomatoes
in the shade, near latticed frames
you built when we were more
than strangers sharing roof and walls.

 

[WickedEve]

First, I'd like to tell you I think it's wonderful that you've adapted and adopted anna's challenge thread. Then, I am so glad you're bringing back your garden poems. It's exciting to think about you creating a little chapbook with drawings or photos of each poetic subject illustrating your lovely words. What?? We can dream and I'm betting you'd make a wonderful book with your poems. ... Maria's Garden ... <sigh>

and here's the poem I wrote for The_Fool's STC.

Submissive Origami

I am made of stuff that bends
and twists but won't hold a crease
so my white cranes don't fly
and my lotus blossom petals
flatten on the pond to float
as lilypads, bouyant, pliant
and a place to rest, your throat
ballooning as you serenade
the lady beneath the pine
who cannot know the agonies
of coming undone in your hands.

An observant soul from elsewhere in the world, mentioned that he found my frog reference unfathomable so I figured I'd better edit. Maybe I've ruined the impetuousness of the write but I think I still get that sad feeling to come across.

Submissive Origami (geisha's song)

I am made of stuff that bends
and twists but won't hold a crease
so my white cranes don't fly
and my lotus blossom petals
flatten on the pond to float
as lilypads, bouyant, pliant;
a place to rest. Kaero's throat
balloons as he serenades
the maiko, outside the door,
who cannot know the agonies
of coming undone in your hands.

I like the edit, except for losing "beneath the pine."
Great poem.

 

[champagne1982]

I like the edit, except for losing "beneath the pine."
Great poem.

Submissive Origami (geisha's song)

I am made of stuff that bends
and twists but won't hold a crease
so my white cranes don't fly
and my lotus blossom petals
flatten on the pond to float
as lilypads, bouyant, pliant;
a place to rest. Kaero's throat
balloons in serenade to the maiko
at the door, beneath the pine,
who cannot know the agonies
of coming undone in your hands.