Is the hook good enough?

[jimmy_love_fl]

I am working on a non-erotic book and am about 100 pages in, but was never happy with the beginning. I have since re-written it, and would love some feedback on it's effectiveness in gaining your interest. Most importantly, would reading the first chapter make you pull out the wallet and fork out the money to find out what happened? I appreciate any feedback. Thanks!



I awoke as if from a deep sleep. It felt like I had been unconscious for days, even weeks. I was confused, trying desperately to remember the circumstances that had brought me to this point.

The first of my senses to return to me was my hearing. My hearing, however, seemed to be limited in its capacity. I could hear my heart beating like it was about to explode out of my chest.

Thump, thump. Thump, thump.

The sound of my deep short breathes were a sign of the adrenaline that was still rushing through my veins. But worst of all was the excruciatingly loud ringing in my ears. Whatever was making that sound made it impossible to hear anything else, but the internal sounds of my body.

My sight finally returned to me and I quickly realized I was on my back. The beautiful stars in the night sky became more and more clear as they came further into focus.

The smell of fire filled the air. ‘Was I camping in the woods?’ I still had no idea where I was or how I got there.

Up to this point my body had been numb, but deep, piercing pains were starting to shoot all through my body. ‘I don’t think this is a camping trip’ I thought. As I rolled over and attempted to get to my feet my left arm gave out on me, and I almost fell onto my face.

I suddenly noticed in the darkness that I was lying in a puddle of some kind of dark, thick, and sticky substance. A flashing light was getting closer and closer. I saw it flash just long enough to see the bright red color of the puddle beneath me. It was blood!

The sight of the blood only made the pains in my body hurt that much more, like a kid who falls down and doesn’t start crying until he looks down and sees the blood from his wound. I knew I better figure out what happened fast, so I jumped to my feet.

An excruciating pain ripped through my body, like a thousand needles had just been thrust into my right leg. I almost fell to the ground again, but managed to keep myself upright.

Thump, thump. Thump, thump.

The sound of my heart beating grew louder and more intense. The ability to take in a good deep breath had escaped me. I could feel the blood dripping from my arm to the ground below.

I slowly lifted my head to survey the scene around me. What I saw would be engrained in my head for all of eternity. There, before me was a giant pile of rubble. Signs of chaos could be seen all around me. Men, women, and children were frantically running in every direction.

A man was running through the debris covered in flames. He was burning alive! I could see the terror in his eyes. I could feel his screams from the depths of my soul, but all I could hear was that ringing in my ears, and the ever increasing speed of the beat of my heart.

Thump, thump. Thump, thump. Thump, thump.

When I stepped onto the pile of shattered concrete I saw the arm of a person stuck underneath. I ran to him and locked my hand with his lifeless fingers. With one hard tug I abruptly fell to the ground. I looked down to my chest to see the severed arm of a man I thought was stuck under the rocks.

I had that reaction like you would if you woke up from a nightmare about snakes and realized there was one sitting on your chest, frantically trying to get it off me.

Tears began to roll down my cheeks. Memories were flashing back into my head, almost too quickly to process them. The now blinding flashes of the lights from the emergency responders was killing my concentration.

But as I stood to my feet again, one thought became increasingly apparent to me. I had done this! The blood of these innocent people was on my hands. ‘My God what had I done?’ These were woman and children I had killed. Countless people had just been massacred by my hands. My heart was now beating at a pace that could kill a man.

Thump, thump. Thump, thump. Thump, thump. Thump, thump.

When I fell to my knees in anguish, I looked up one more time to see a man struggling to walk from the rubble. He was carrying a woman in a wedding dress. Once again, I couldn’t hear his cries, but I could feel them from the depths of my inner most being.

It was a wedding. People once full of life and hope were now lying under the debris. This man’s wife was gone before he could even consummate their vows. My anger had consumed me, and the burden of my sins was now being carried by the people that surrounded me.

I crawled back to where I awoke from my stupor and found my gun lying about ten feet away. Again I dropped to my knees. This time I wasn’t planning on getting up. The pain in my heart right now was more than one man could contain. I turned the gun toward my head and quickly pulled the trigger.

 

[sr71plt]

Looks fine so far.

 

[impressive]

A hook is not the first 900 words. A hook is the first sentence. Is it good enough to entice the reader to finish the first paragraph, then the first page?

In my opinion, your first sentence is not a hook at all:

I awoke as if from a deep sleep.

Find an opening sentence that grabs the reader and compels him/her to continue. Then repeat that process until your reader is unable to stop.

This is better:

The first of my senses to return to me was my hearing.

The reader immediately wants to know what caused your senses to abandon you in the first place.

You need a solid edit. There are errors of spelling and punctuation. The grammar errors can, to a certain extent, be glossed over in first person to preserve the voice.

 

[sr71plt]

A hook is not the first 900 words. A hook is the first sentence. Is it good enough to entice the reader to finish the first paragraph, then the first page?

Ummm, no. the first sentence must be really, really attracting, yes--but that's not necessarily the hook of a book. The "hook" of what was provided here is that the protagonist may be the one who caused all of the havoc. That's the sort of thing a literary "hook" is. And the hook here isn't in the first sentence. The first sentence is meant to draw you in, yes, but it doesn't have to carry the whole burden of a storyline hook.

 

[jimmy_love_fl]

A hook is not the first 900 words. A hook is the first sentence. Is it good enough to entice the reader to finish the first paragraph, then the first page?

In my opinion, your first sentence is not a hook at all:



Find an opening sentence that grabs the reader and compels him/her to continue. Then repeat that process until your reader is unable to stop.

This is better:



The reader immediately wants to know what caused your senses to abandon you in the first place.

You need a solid edit. There are errors of spelling and punctuation. The grammar errors can, to a certain extent, be glossed over in first person to preserve the voice.

Good point about the first line. I'll re-write those first few paragraphs to have it start with the sentence you mentioned.

I would love to have it edited! Do I hear any volunteers?

 

[impressive]

Ummm, no. the first sentence must be really, really attracting, yes--but that's not necessarily the hook of a book. The "hook" of what was provided here is that the protagonist may be the one who caused all of the havoc. That's the sort of thing a literary "hook" is. And the hook here isn't in the first sentence. The first sentence is meant to draw you in, yes, but it doesn't have to carry the whole burden of a storyline hook.

*shrug* We disagree.

 

[sr71plt]

*shrug* We disagree.

All anyone has to do is pick up a book or a story and read just the first sentence and then read the entire thing an isolate what the "hook" was--and they'll know the hook of the book/story isn't in that first sentene. All you have to do is know how to read.

Yep, the first sentence is important--but the hook of the work is rarely there. The purpose of the first sentence is to latch onto your curiosity, not give the twist that the whole work hangs on. Cliches on writing are nice, though.

 

[impressive]

All anyone has to do is pick up a book or a story and read just the first sentence and then read the entire thing an isolate what the "hook" was--and they'll know the hook of the book/story isn't in that first sentene. All you have to do is know how to read.

Yep, the first sentence is important--but the hook of the work is rarely there. The purpose of the first sentence is to latch onto your curiosity, not give the twist that the whole work hangs on. Cliches on writing are nice, though.

We still disagree.

 

[Belegon]

Ummm, no. the first sentence must be really, really attracting, yes--but that's not necessarily the hook of a book. The "hook" of what was provided here is that the protagonist may be the one who caused all of the havoc. That's the sort of thing a literary "hook" is. And the hook here isn't in the first sentence. The first sentence is meant to draw you in, yes, but it doesn't have to carry the whole burden of a storyline hook.

Wrong. In today's market, the most prevailing use of the word "hook" is to refer to the first sentence. You can choose not to believe us or "disagree", but if you attend a writing conference and take a class entitled "How To Write A Great Hook", what they are going to talk about is the first sentence.

You are using the terminology differently. And calling a term used within an industry a "cliche" is also incorrect. That's "jargon."

As always, there are differences in opinion and usage of individual words. But if someone asks me, as an editor (at a personal appearance or at RWA or RT or ComicCon or any other place where I am walking around with a name tag that identifies me as an Editor) to examine their "hook", I will read their first line.

And that is not because of my personal opinion, it is because of my experience within the industry.

What you are talking about, IMHO, is the crux of the plot. The defining point within the story. I understand that.

But it is NOT what I have learned to think of when someone uses the word "hook." It is not the current jargon as I have been exposed to it.

 

[sr71plt]

We still disagree.

OK. I'm sure Jimmy can open a few books rated well and read the first sentence and figure out for himself that the hook of the book isn't there.

 

[_Lynn_]

I never decide with just the first sentence.
I scan a couple of paragraphs before I know if it's worth reading or not.
That's what has to 'hook' me.

 

[Belegon]

OK. I'm sure Jimmy can open a few books rated well and read the first sentence and figure out for himself that the hook of the book isn't there.

Read my post. You are using a word, we are using jargon from within the industry, one we are both earning an income from... this is not an "opinion thing" and thus trying to convince us our opinion is incorrect will be no more effective than trying to convince us that the proper term for the color of the sky is "green" and that of the grass "blue."

 

[jimmy_love_fl]

It seems we are dealing with semantics here. Whatever you want to call them both, although after listening to the latest argument I am tempted to say that she is correct in her terminology, they are both important. Although I will say that the Crux of the book does not come until way later.

I love the advice about the first few sentences and will make some changes. And would still LOVE to have someone edit it for me! I am a novice. This is honestly the first thing I've written other than a few erotic stories since high school.

 

[Belegon]

I never decide with just the first sentence.
I scan a couple of paragraphs before I know if it's worth reading or not.
That's what has to 'hook' me.

In very similar forms, I have heard this from a dozen agents and/or acquisition editors:

"I read the first sentence to decide if I will read the first paragraph. I read the first paragraph to decide if I will read the first page. I read the first few pages to decide if I will finish the chapter. If I finish the chapter, there is an excellent chance I will read most of the book."

...and as someone who now reads and makes recommendations on whether or not to offer contracts, I completely understand why.

 

[impressive]

It seems we are dealing with semantics here. Whatever you want to call them both, although after listening to the latest argument I am tempted to say that she is correct in her terminology, they are both important. Although I will say that the Crux of the book does not come until way later.

I love the advice about the first few sentences and will make some changes. And would still LOVE to have someone edit it for me! I am a novice. This is honestly the first thing I've written other than a few erotic stories since high school.

I wish I had the time to volunteer to edit for you, but I have professional writing and editing responsibilities that take precedence.

If you are seeking publication, you first have to get an editor or agent to read it. Then, they have to like it enough to invest in it. The book-buying public comes much later and may indeed use different criteria to judge your work.

Good luck!

 

[jimmy_love_fl]

In very similar forms, I have heard this from a dozen agents and/or acquisition editors:

"I read the first sentence to decide if I will read the first paragraph. I read the first paragraph to decide if I will read the first page. I read the first few pages to decide if I will finish the chapter. If I finish the chapter, there is an excellent chance I will read most of the book."

...and as someone who now reads and makes recommendations on whether or not to offer contracts, I completely understand why.

So I guess the question still stands. If I change the first sentence like was suggested. Does the rest of the chapter entice a publisher to keep reading?

 

[_Lynn_]

In very similar forms, I have heard this from a dozen agents and/or acquisition editors:

"I read the first sentence to decide if I will read the first paragraph. I read the first paragraph to decide if I will read the first page. I read the first few pages to decide if I will finish the chapter. If I finish the chapter, there is an excellent chance I will read most of the book."

...and as someone who now reads and makes recommendations on whether or not to offer contracts, I completely understand why.

Trying to decide if I want to buy a book after one sentence is impossible. It might be very well written and the rest fall flat. Reading an entire chapter isn't feasible at a store. So my choice is to scan the first page or maybe two if it's a short one. That has to draw me in to want to go further. I don't dispute the proper terminology or use of 'hook' in the industry. Just sayin' what catches me.

 

[Belegon]

So I guess the question still stands. If I change the first sentence like was suggested. Does the rest of the chapter entice a publisher to keep reading?

That's going to depend on the editor/publisher. Which is one of the reasons luck still plays a part.

I'm not enthralled. But I'm not turned off either. My first thought is I would turn to your synopsis and see what the cause was.

 

[Belegon]

Trying to decide if I want to buy a book after one sentence is impossible. It might be very well written and the rest fall flat. Reading an entire chapter isn't feasible at a store. So my choice is to scan the first page or maybe two if it's a short one. That has to draw me in to want to go further. I don't dispute the proper terminology or use of 'hook' in the industry. Just sayin' what catches me.

As a very general rule, the first sentence or even page would not tell me "yes, buy this!"

But it very well might tell me to NOT buy it.

At each step, a "no" might result... a "yes" takes longer to achieve.

But remember, I'm talking about business from the POV of the publisher, not about me as a consumer. The two things are separate.

I'm much more flexible as a reader.

 

[_Lynn_]

But remember, I'm talking about business from the POV of the publisher, not about me as a consumer. The two things are separate.

I do understand that.

 

[sr71plt]

Read my post. You are using a word, we are using jargon from within the industry, one we are both earning an income from... this is not an "opinion thing" and thus trying to convince us our opinion is incorrect will be no more effective than trying to convince us that the proper term for the color of the sky is "green" and that of the grass "blue."

Then we'll have to disagree on that, because I am using what the industry refers to as the "hook" (and I'll bet I'm more involved--and higher paid--in the publishing industry that you are, so don't try to play that card on me, honeycakes) and you and impressive are just using a word for pulling the reader past the first sentence.

But I'm sure Jimmy can figure this all out for himself now.

 

[jimmy_love_fl]

That's going to depend on the editor/publisher. Which is one of the reasons luck still plays a part.

I'm not enthralled. But I'm not turned off either. My first thought is I would turn to your synopsis and see what the cause was.

The 'cause' it turns out is that terrorist in Iraq kidnapped his best friend and broadcast his beheading on TV. He watched all of it, and was so filled with rage that he hunted down the informant that set them up in the first place, basically crucified him to the wall, and got him to talk. Then he infiltrated a warehouse they were hiding out in and killed everyone inside before blowing up all of the unused IED's. It turns out it blew up the building behind it too. So it was an accident, but done completely out of rage and revenge.

OF course the reader will be surprised to find out that this culminates by chapter 5, and a new story picks up 2 years later, after his marriage is ruined and he is a shell of his former self. He still has nightmares of that night.

Turns out he has a really cool business, that is completely original in a novel. There are a few great twists and turns before and during the climax. The book ends with a beginning more than anything else. The beginning of him as a superhero.

So now what do you think?

 

[jimmy_love_fl]

As a very general rule, the first sentence or even page would not tell me "yes, buy this!"

But it very well might tell me to NOT buy it.

At each step, a "no" might result... a "yes" takes longer to achieve.

But remember, I'm talking about business from the POV of the publisher, not about me as a consumer. The two things are separate.

I'm much more flexible as a reader.

I totally agree. A book would have to get past a lot of no's before finally getting a yes. and yes I am sure "luck" plays a very big part too. My guess would be for every James Patterson or Stephen King there are 100 other authors just as good that can't get their feet in the door.

 

[Belegon]

Then we'll have to disagree on that, because I am using what the industry refers to as the "hook" (and I'll bet I'm more involved--and higher paid--in the publishing industry that you are, so don't try to play that card on me, honeycakes) and you and impressive are just using a word for pulling the reader past the first sentence.

But I'm sure Jimmy can figure this all out for himself now.

My original post indicated an easy test. Go to a website for a writing conference and find a class on how to write a good hook (they all seem to offer them) and then see what the class is about.

I'm not offering opinion. I'm relating experience.

I understand your usage about "the hook" of a work. But it is NOT what will be used by a person in acquisitions talking to a prospect about The Hook. This I know primarily from being the person doing the listening, not the talking. (ETA: Of course, jargon and usage may differ from genre to genre or within the walls of various publishing houses also. So we are basically just talking to hear ourselves speak at this point. What is this? A political thread?)

(Honeycakes? That may be the first time I've been called that. Interesting.)

 

[Guest]

My original post indicated an easy test. Go to a website for a writing conference and find a class on how to write a good hook (they all seem to offer them) and then see what the class is about.

I'm not offering opinion. I'm relating experience.

I understand your usage about "the hook" of a work. But it is NOT what will be used by a person in acquisitions talking to a prospect about The Hook. This I know primarily from being the person doing the listening, not the talking.

(Honeycakes? That may be the first time I've been called that. Interesting.)

Lift up your kilt.

I'll call you honeycakes.