Vanilla in the Household

[LaLaLilly]

In old standing tradition, not just anyone could lead a BDSM lifestyle, it was through invitation. So now times have changed, I understand that, but, there are websites now totally devoted to that lifestyle such as FetLife. Not all, but most live the lifestyle 24/7 and you never hear the word Vanilla only in regards to the outside world.

So why is it that here, and other sites in the like, that it is common to hear "My SO is vanilla", "I live a vanilla lifestyle but..."? Why is there so much of it? Is this a stepping stone, a fantasy about a life they crave even though it may not be true to form, or just the culture in itself?

Please explain...

As always, no disrespect intended...

 

[catalina_francisco]

Won't hear such things from me. Not sure I agree that most live 24/7 on other sites as I find very few who live it, though more than a few like to fantasise about it. Living it is another reality altogether.

Catalina

 

[LaLaLilly]

Won't hear such things from me. Not sure I agree that most live 24/7 on other sites as I find very few who live it, though more than a few like to fantasise about it. Living it is another reality altogether.

Catalina

Well okay...Maybe I should say that I have been in conversation with many D/s who claim they live the lifestyle 24/7 or claim at least fifty percent of the time. And there are plenty of profiles that claim they live the lifestyle 24/7. Cause you are absolutely right...Actual living and fantasy are two totally separate things.

 

[Feelfreetotouch]

I think "vanilla" is an overused/misused term that people throw out when trying to express that their sex life leaves them wanting. People are becoming less and less compatible in the bedroom and more people are talking about it. It's not about BDSM, it's just the lack of passion and the lack of far ranging sexual acts. The culture is awash with sex and people are being exposed to certain acts and finding them intriguing. Unfortunately partners don't react the same way to the less traditional acts, so the individual who is wanting, complains and searches.

 

[Netzach]

Define "vanilla."

I just called the person I periodically beat and boss around because it gratifies us sexually to ask him if he was into chicken and roast veggies tonight.

 

[LaLaLilly]

Define "vanilla."

I just called the person I periodically beat and boss around because it gratifies us sexually to ask him if he was into chicken and roast veggies tonight.

Conventional?

 

[subbie_333]

In old standing tradition, not just anyone could lead a BDSM lifestyle, it was through invitation. So now times have changed, I understand that, but, there are websites now totally devoted to that lifestyle such as FetLife. Not all, but most live the lifestyle 24/7 and you never hear the word Vanilla only in regards to the outside world.

So why is it that here, and other sites in the like, that it is common to hear "My SO is vanilla", "I live a vanilla lifestyle but..."? Why is there so much of it? Is this a stepping stone, a fantasy about a life they crave even though it may not be true to form, or just the culture in itself?

Please explain...

As always, no disrespect intended...

i am a bit confused at the situation(s) and question(s) you are presenting. Are you asking how/why the use of "vanilla" has changed? Are you asking what it takes to get into the BDSM "lifestyle"? Are you comparing web sites? i am

 

[Fuckette]

Vanilla is not for us!
We won't even burn vanilla scented candles at our home

 

[ecstaticsub]

I have a vanilla marriage and a extramarital D/s relationship. My D/s relationship is not a stepping stone to something else nor is it a fantasy.

I LOVE my vanilla husband and my vanilla lifestyle. I do not crave or want my marriage to be anything different than it is.

I also LOVE my Dominant and my D/s relationship which I consider to be 24/7 in mindset. (I do NOT in any way shape or form equate it to a M/s or D/s relationship where the couple are cohabitating. But my PYL's rules and expectations control my actions and thought 24 hrs a day)

I get a little tired of people on this site and others slamming vanilla relationships. Vanilla sex ( and lifestyle) is not boring, unimaginative or monotanous between my husband and I. I didn't go into my D/s relationship because I was bored or unhappy being vanilla. It just another part of me. I have the best of both worlds.

 

[Primalex]

I use vanilla shampoo.

 

[Primalex]

I didn't go into my D/s relationship because I was bored or unhappy being vanilla.

But because you threw a coin?

Hey, what am I gonna do tonight?
Heads - get a Dom.
Tails - do the chores.

 

[LaLaLilly]

i am a bit confused at the situation(s) and question(s) you are presenting. Are you asking how/why the use of "vanilla" has changed? Are you asking what it takes to get into the BDSM "lifestyle"? Are you comparing web sites? i am

I guess I am asking how everyone terms the word "vanilla", how they feel when others may use or not use the term properly, and if they think it has/has not changed. In comparing websites, it seems as though some are more strict with the usage.

 

[LaLaLilly]

I have a vanilla marriage and a extramarital D/s relationship. My D/s relationship is not a stepping stone to something else nor is it a fantasy.

I LOVE my vanilla husband and my vanilla lifestyle. I do not crave or want my marriage to be anything different than it is.

I also LOVE my Dominant and my D/s relationship which I consider to be 24/7 in mindset. (I do NOT in any way shape or form equate it to a M/s or D/s relationship where the couple are cohabitating. But my PYL's rules and expectations control my actions and thought 24 hrs a day)

I get a little tired of people on this site and others slamming vanilla relationships. Vanilla sex ( and lifestyle) is not boring, unimaginative or monotanous between my husband and I. I didn't go into my D/s relationship because I was bored or unhappy being vanilla. It just another part of me. I have the best of both worlds.

As I said, I mean no disrespect to you nor was I slamming any type of vanilla relationship as it was not my intention. I have no room to judge. What I was asking for was insight for my own understanding. You gave me exactly what I asked for...insight...Thank You.

 

[subbie_333]

To me, vanilla is simply something not kinky. It could be a marriage, a relationship, an activity (like sex), clothing, whatever. It is neither good nor bad. Just different, like blue and red are two different colors.

 

[YourCaptor]

Vanilla and kinky live in the same world you know.

Whats to point in separating.

 

[ecstaticsub]

As I said, I mean no disrespect to you nor was I slamming any type of vanilla relationship as it was not my intention. I have no room to judge. What I was asking for was insight for my own understanding. You gave me exactly what I asked for...insight...Thank You.

It's ok. I didn't take what you said in your opening post as a slam, but I do sometimes get the feeling that BDSMers look down on vanilla. I'm glad I was able to answer your question.

 

[desertslave]

I think some of it is what websites you read, what sites others read, and what one is willing to say where, at least in terms of what's being reported.

As far as having a vanilla SO, there's another internet contribution. I'm one of those 'by invitation' subs, introduced 30 years ago (wow!). Had it not been for the right person finding me and training me at the right time, I probably would have gone years with having those 'leanings' without someone to bring them out. I was incredibly lucky! Many others aren't and only began to learn about BDSM through websites as already-married adults.

Even I, with all that early-on luck, married vanilla. The one difference is that it was by choice. It seemed like a good idea at the time, due to a lot of things going on in my life. For better or worse I 'got better' and struggled for a few years trying to integrate all of my needs into one happy package.

I got there, but only after divorcing my vanilla husband so I could do my version of 'having it all.'

Oh, my definition of vanilla (strictly for my own purposes) includes a more or less egalitarian relationship with very little kink.

 

[Feelfreetotouch]

I have a vanilla marriage and a extramarital D/s relationship. My D/s relationship is not a stepping stone to something else nor is it a fantasy.

I LOVE my vanilla husband and my vanilla lifestyle. I do not crave or want my marriage to be anything different than it is.

I also LOVE my Dominant and my D/s relationship which I consider to be 24/7 in mindset. (I do NOT in any way shape or form equate it to a M/s or D/s relationship where the couple are cohabitating. But my PYL's rules and expectations control my actions and thought 24 hrs a day)

I get a little tired of people on this site and others slamming vanilla relationships. Vanilla sex ( and lifestyle) is not boring, unimaginative or monotanous between my husband and I. I didn't go into my D/s relationship because I was bored or unhappy being vanilla. It just another part of me. I have the best of both worlds.

Well put.

 

[catalina_francisco]

It's ok. I didn't take what you said in your opening post as a slam, but I do sometimes get the feeling that BDSMers look down on vanilla. I'm glad I was able to answer your question.

I can see why you would sometimes think that, but I also think we can become overly sensitive to issues which affect us and see things that aren't there...at least I know I can and sometimes need to take another look at it later. I don't look down on anyone choosing to live vanilla, or both, but for me it was a choice that would only work one way and so I went with what I believed would fulfil me most.

Catalina

 

[twysted73]

When I saw your title I wrinkled my nose like an animal smelling something bad.

My first thought: You had inlaws visiting.
I was about to express my condolences at having to "nilla-down" your play while they visited. But such was not the case.

It's like the old saying, "You can't have Christmas every day."
Vanilla is a necessary evil. it allows you to appreciate your D/s indulgences.
Why else do religous refugees seem to be the front-runners in the D/s majority?
Because they were "killed with piousness and kindness" (not to mention therapy sessions full of guilt) to contend with at some developmental point, etc.

I enjoy sticking the tongue of deviousness into the holes of my religous scars.
Feels very nice.
Even better thrusting into those of others.
"You feel dirty do you? Aww...." ****scathing mock regret dripping with sarcasm and cruel indifference ensues***

Yes, vanilla is a dirtier word then anything I've ever forced to come out of my submissive's mouth.
The reason I hate it so is because I need it. To thoroughly enjoy my sickest sides, I still need it as a point of reference. And I hate admitting it.

To me it represents close-mindedness. Insecurity. Archaic spiritual control. A mundane existance. (think..."American Gothic")





.

 

[LaLaLilly]

As far as having a vanilla SO, there's another internet contribution. I'm one of those 'by invitation' subs, introduced 30 years ago (wow!). Had it not been for the right person finding me and training me at the right time, I probably would have gone years with having those 'leanings' without someone to bring them out. I was incredibly lucky! Many others aren't and only began to learn about BDSM through websites as already-married adults.

That is amazing thinking back during a time when it was so privileged that invitation was needed. I also have done alot of reading where it states people find the lifestyle much later in life. It is kind of sad. Thank You.

 

[desertslave]

I think it's a lot more fun and definitely more open, now. For the first 2 years after my Sir collared me, I had nobody else to really talk to about what was happening who had shared my kinds of experiences from my perspective. He didn't try to isolate me, but he came up in the gay leather scene (he was bi, life was complicated LOL) so it was a very different world.

Even with years of experience, I thoroughly enjoyed reading all sorts of BDSM sites when I finally realized this stuff was actually online. I got to give a name to so many things that just were, and learned very quickly that his style wasn't the only way to go. He was very much the stern controller type (which suited me as a newbie, I supposed). Learning online that there could be different dynamics opened up so many more possibilities for me.

Master and I are 24/7 in our hearts, but we have kids at home and interact with a lot of different people. He's a very sweet romantic much of the time, very affectionate. I love it! I have a Master, a husband, a friend and a lover, all in one. I wouldn't have even believed that possible 20 years ago.

 

[Netzach]

What's this "by invitation" thing? There were a lot of different fetish communities in the past, certainly a leather community that policed itself, but - well, my H was in the scene 30 years ago. He answered a professional Domme's ad, and she pulled him into her household. If there was anything desireable about him, she found it out by interviewing him and from his non-flaky behavior. My point is, there were contact ad magazines and people met and vetted one another. It was there if you had the balls to go to the meetings, answer the ads, invest the time.

 

[Netzach]

I also have nothing bad to say about vanilla sex, other than it wasn't for me as a sole option. A lot of women in the scene AND in the vanilla world confide in me how they suddently can't respect a man who treats them as an equal in OR out of bed and I just don't feel them. I don't find myself staring at the ceiling in sheer boredom when having fairly conventional, do-me-do-you rub each other and wear lingerie sex, it's just *not the same thing* as my fetishes and all the conventional fucking in the world isn't going to take care of that itch. It's almost like they're different things, like all the cock in the universe is not a warm and turned on pussy. Egalitarian-ish sex can be sensual, creative, playful, erotic and all that good shit for me - but it's never going to be a stripe on his ass from my lashes.

Frankly I get as neurotic without it as I do without SM. Sometimes I just want to be a sensual animal and not have to have every fuck MEAN someone's up someone's down.

 

[desertslave]

I was assuming "by invitation" to be, more or less, an approximation for "you had to know somebody." I do remember TES (in NYC) putting ads on the back of the Village Voice back in the early 80's but that was the extent of real publicity I'd ever seen at the time. Most everything else was word of mouth. Then again, that could've just been the leather culture my Sir came up from. It wasn't nearly as prolific or open as it is now.

Well, except for the Halloween parade in the Village.


As far as comparisons go, nilla vs. pick-your-kink, I don't this there's a reasonable way to compare and come up with a value judgment. What's good for you is good for you, what makes me hot is my thing. I've never seen a need for "better than/worse than" except for one's own personal tastes. I certainly didn't go without orgasms the whole time I was married, though they were fewer and rather less fulfilling. With Master and I there's always some degree of kink, but that's cuz we LIKE it that way. I don't like the idea of being condescending to 'nillas any more than I appreciate them being fearful or disgusted by my version of sex. I think the one difference is that I've never heard of anyone declaring that someone's children should be removed from a home because they only had sex in missionary position in the dark on Saturday night.