Realism vs negitivity

[the captians wench]

I've been a whirlwind of emotions these last few weeks or so looking forward to my trip. Mostly I feel like a love sick school wanting to write his name all over everything and sign all of my letters with hearts, stickers, and kisses. But then I get these lovey dovey moments where I think about how nice it will be to just feel him hold me, or kiss me, or what it will be like to watch a movie with him or wake up and the first thing is see his face.

I tell my mom about how excited I am to do these things and she just keeps coming up with what seem to be negitive responses. When I was talking about him moaning about it being too early when it was nearly 11am his time, she says "see you're not going to be compatable. You're a morning person and he's going to be up all night and sleep all day and you won't get your sleep". when I confronted her about these comments she's making she said she's not trying to be negitive, but trying to get me to think more realistically.

She said it's sort of like trying to plan the perfect Christmas morning. You get your sights set on what would be perfect, and play it out in your head, then no matter how great that Christmas is, if it isn't like you pictured it, then you're just left feeling disapointed. She said she doesn't want that to happen to me.

Part of me can see her point. The other part of me thinks she's being this way because she doesn't want me to move. She was so excited to hear that it doesn't look like McDonald's can pull the strings I was hoping for to get me a transfer. I told her that won't stop me from moving there, it just means we'll have to get married first insted of me just moving there. Well then she went on again on how he may not be what I expect and what not.

I understand she doesn't want me to go. And I do see some validity in what she says (hince I'm not pressing the marriage issue until after i spend some time in the flesh with him), But where's the line where being realistic turns into being negitive?

I know I shouldn't try to picture these things, and I'm not really picturing them, more just looking forward to them. To use her Christmas analagy, it's sort of like seeing the packages under the tree, and getting excited to open them, but not trying to figure out what's inside. It's the unwraping I'm looking forward to, rather than hoping for a certian gift.

I know I tend to have an idealistic look on life. Everything is glitter and sunshine in my world. So is this just a healthy dose of reality, or is this her trying to discourage me so I won't up and move so far from her? Or am I just ranting? *sigh*

 

[Netzach]

Some of each.

Cut her slack, you guys have a close relationship. Ireland's a long flight.

There's no way to be pre-emptive about romantic disasters short of not being in love in the first place. No amount of "cool your jets" logic is going to be applicable here - you'll swim or sink like any other couple by throwing yourselves into the current.

 

[intothewoods]

I've been a whirlwind of emotions these last few weeks or so looking forward to my trip. Mostly I feel like a love sick school wanting to write his name all over everything and sign all of my letters with hearts, stickers, and kisses. But then I get these lovey dovey moments where I think about how nice it will be to just feel him hold me, or kiss me, or what it will be like to watch a movie with him or wake up and the first thing is see his face.

I tell my mom about how excited I am to do these things and she just keeps coming up with what seem to be negitive responses. When I was talking about him moaning about it being too early when it was nearly 11am his time, she says "see you're not going to be compatable. You're a morning person and he's going to be up all night and sleep all day and you won't get your sleep". when I confronted her about these comments she's making she said she's not trying to be negitive, but trying to get me to think more realistically.

She said it's sort of like trying to plan the perfect Christmas morning. You get your sights set on what would be perfect, and play it out in your head, then no matter how great that Christmas is, if it isn't like you pictured it, then you're just left feeling disapointed. She said she doesn't want that to happen to me.

Part of me can see her point. The other part of me thinks she's being this way because she doesn't want me to move. She was so excited to hear that it doesn't look like McDonald's can pull the strings I was hoping for to get me a transfer. I told her that won't stop me from moving there, it just means we'll have to get married first insted of me just moving there. Well then she went on again on how he may not be what I expect and what not.

I understand she doesn't want me to go. And I do see some validity in what she says (hince I'm not pressing the marriage issue until after i spend some time in the flesh with him), But where's the line where being realistic turns into being negitive?

I know I shouldn't try to picture these things, and I'm not really picturing them, more just looking forward to them. To use her Christmas analagy, it's sort of like seeing the packages under the tree, and getting excited to open them, but not trying to figure out what's inside. It's the unwraping I'm looking forward to, rather than hoping for a certian gift.

I know I tend to have an idealistic look on life. Everything is glitter and sunshine in my world. So is this just a healthy dose of reality, or is this her trying to discourage me so I won't up and move so far from her? Or am I just ranting? *sigh*

I'm sure she's just being protective of you. I wouldn't worry too much about whether you're realistic or not. You're excited right now, and there is a lot of anticipation. That's normal. You'll just have to get there and see how it goes!

At this point, just relax and try not to worry. As for your mom, I would just say, we'll see, mom. And maybe let her know it's not helpful as well, even though you understand her concern. Be patient with her. I'm sure she is worried for you, and probably doesn't want to lose you. It's normal.

 

[the captians wench]

Some of each.

Cut her slack, you guys have a close relationship. Ireland's a long flight.

I guess I'm just not used to her being this way. She's usually really suporitve and positive of everything I do.She hated my choice in taking up the kinky side of life, but when she saw it made me happy, she tried to learn and understand. When I started wearing a collar, she flipped, but when she saw me happy, again she tried to understand.

I guess she'll prolly come around this time too, but she's still hoping against all hopes that it won't work and he won't steal her baby girl, and I'm hoping against all hopes that it will.

 

[graceanne]

I agree. I'd probably be being negative if my daughter was moving to another country to be with someone she's only met a few times. Mom's worry - it's their job, ya know? Just take what she says with a grain of salt and make sure to give her lots of hugs and I love you's.

 

[minx1]

I know I tend to have an idealistic look on life. Everything is glitter and sunshine in my world. So is this just a healthy dose of reality, or is this her trying to discourage me so I won't up and move so far from her? Or am I just ranting? *sigh*

I think its probably an element of both Wenchie. I am sure your mum like mine doesn't want you to move so far away, particularly when you have such a close relationship, but would never try and stop you from pursuing happiness.
I think she is also trying to prepare you just incase it isn't what you imagined. She is your mum and won't want her baby sad or disappointed. So I think she is just not setting you up for a fall. She is trying to keep your feet back on terra ferma whilst you are naturally excited and giddy! Hell been there myself chick

The thing is, having done it, I would say that there is one thing for sure....it will be different. Different to all your expectations and dreams and the senarios you imagine in your head. But thats because your relationship until now has been different. That in itself will change and need to adapt when you meet, as I am certain you will both have to adapt as individuals because suddenly you are conducting your relationship differently. You are together and together comes with needing to adjust to each other a little, needing to get used to eachothers idiosyncracies. You will have to adapt to a new life in a new country and find the frustrations of time zones and longdistance are replaced with other pressures, such as work, personal commitments and responsibilities.

But different needn't to be bad. Different can be good. Really good.

The one thing you and Jounar have is a bond. You love eachother and thats a massive headstart. As I said to someone the other day. I loved D, long before I ever met him. It made me leaving home and going to Australia the easiest decision in the world.
If you both want it as badly as I think you do you will both adjust and find your equilibrium.

And its going to be so exciting Wenchie. Such an adventure. Exploring your relationship with Jounar and discovering many new things about yourself in the process.

Keep your excitement and mix it with a little reality check now and again and you will be fine honey.

 

[YourCaptor]

Moms will be moms.

 

[Bandit58]

When I told my mother about Sir and that I was going to Australia to meet Him, her reaction was very negative. In fact she said something that has taken a long time to forgive....she said "Why do you have to go and get involved with a cripple?"

I understand where she was coming from, because she had all the worry of caring for my dad for over 20 years. But at the time I was very hurt She's since come around and has accepted Him - if not fully (she has never met Him) then with the reason she knows I am truly happy.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think she is just being a Mum and doing what Mum's do best...and at times, worst. I imagine she wants the best for you, but she also has motherly fears about you getting duped, finding out all is not as you think but too late, worried she won't be so close to catch you if you fall, not able to take a look at him herself to decide if he is good for you, not wanting to lose you to distance, and probably a lot of irrational fears which can take over when things seem to be going in a direction that may not have been fully expected.

Mums also at times act supportive or positive in the comfort they can afford to do so, knowing you will be less likely to react rashly if they do, and often knowing or hoping that by doing so you will move on from whatever or whoever it is they see as a possible negative or danger in your life when you get bored with it or see what they see. Reacting from the get go in a negative way usually only makes a person want to do what you are reacting to, more, so by giving the appearance of accepting and/or supporting their choices it shows you respect their right to make that decision, and also allows room for them to see for themselves what you feel you see. Maybe this time she sees something which doesn't seem to support the idea of being positive and you moving past the idea of living your life with Journar, so she has reacted uncharacteristically, or at least more visibly uncharacteristically because she is afraid and doesn't want to take the risk of being supportive when she isn't feeling completely convinced, and you taking that as assurance you are doing the right thing.

Of course, add to that a lot of people do not see how anyone can possibly get to know another over the internet etc., without first meeting, imagine that the people you meet must be desperate and/or dangerous, that it can't possibly work out well, and you have another set of fears. LOL, I know when F and I were married, my parents only decided at the very last minute to be there as they felt it was their duty, and my sisters both made excuses of not being able to get out of work (which normally they could do easily and for little reason), so they also didn't come...reality was I suspect that they thought I had lost my mind, and that in no time, possibly even a day or 2 it would blow up in my face and be all over. It was disappointing they didn't want to share that moment in my life with me, or worse, if truly feeling I was in for a huge fall didn't want to be there to protect and support me, but I know my family well and should not have been surprised. Point is, they all felt it was not possible to fall in love and marry someone you had met online and barely spent a moment in the physical presence of. Coming up to our 6th anniversary next month, we are having the last laugh and they are now a lot more accepting that it is real.

Reassure your Mum, keep her informed as much as possible, maybe you could introduce him to her via webcam once you have met him, and know she isn't doing it to hurt you, more because she loves you and wants the very best for you.

Catalina

 

[the captians wench]

My mom is usually straight forword with me. When I was getting married the first time she told me she didn't think it was a good idea and that she felt I loved him more than he loved me. I considered her advice, but the pain of her disaproval hurt and clouded my judgement a bit. I knew she was right, but I loved him so much I thought that I could make it work.

I know she worries a bit about how I met Jounar. But she met my step dad because he called the wrong number one night and they carried on a phone relationship with him refusing to meet her in person for a year, so she understands falling in love with out meeting some one. At the same time, I think she does have those worries of him not being what I think he is, and she doesn't like the sound of some things that I know he is. She wants the best for her baby, and she wants it here in the states.

As I've been thinking about it, I think more and more she is worried that I will be happy when I go over there, and decide to do the move, and leave her. If she was really worried about him, she would sit me down and tell me so just like she did with my first husband. She's been supportive of my trip, helping me to figure out what to pack and buying what I need and such, but I think it's in hopes that things won't work out, and I believe it's the distance that has more to do with it than anything. If she really didn't feel the relationship itself was good, then she wouldn't be so encouraging of me revolving my life around my computer. She's the one that told me if I have plans, I have plans, it doesn't matter that they involve sitting infront of my computer.

I just wish she was more encouraging of me trying to find a way to move there, well with out jumping into another marriage. But I guess that is a little much to ask.

 

[the captians wench]

Well I decided to take the bull by it's horns and just confront her about what she's been saying and how she really feels. And once again I was over reacting.

She says she's very excited for me. She thinks my trip will be good for me. One because not many people my age get to do this (at least not in our economic level) and two because it will give me a chance to see what Jounar is really like.

She said she's just worried about there being little things I'm not expecting that I will have to decide if I can deal with for the rest of my life or not. She talked about how my step dad expected her to come home after work, fix dinner, and clean up after and clean the house even tho she was the one working and he was home all day. It was just his way, and she said it almost broke them up, she almost decided that she couldn't deal with that. She just doesn't want me to make plans until after I see some of these things. But she admited that there may not be any, or I may decide that I can live with them.

I feel better after our talk. Guess I'll never out grow needing her aproval.

 

[Lady_Midnight]

Glad you're feeling better...the talk was obviously worth it