TerragonSix
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Looking for advice on this one.
- Thread starter TerragonSix
- Start date
minx1
Enchanted Rebel Girl
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Ok, Its a hard one.
Obviously by trying to protect her she has ended up feeling like you were trying to deceive her. I'm not sure what to advise apart from that I think reassurance of your love and commitment and a little time. should go a long way to resolving things between you both.
One thing I would say though and forgive me if I am way of track, but having a fantasy doesn't always equate to wanting to realise it. I have many that I wouldn't actually want to do for real, but they are totally hot to think about.
Did you know that she wanted to turn this fantasy into reality and if the answer is yes, I would ask whether her trust issues might be exasperated by involving another person at this time?
If you do decide to go down that route I would say keep it transparent. As you have said do everything in terms of finding that person, together.
Hope it works out well for you both
Obviously by trying to protect her she has ended up feeling like you were trying to deceive her. I'm not sure what to advise apart from that I think reassurance of your love and commitment and a little time. should go a long way to resolving things between you both.
One thing I would say though and forgive me if I am way of track, but having a fantasy doesn't always equate to wanting to realise it. I have many that I wouldn't actually want to do for real, but they are totally hot to think about.
Did you know that she wanted to turn this fantasy into reality and if the answer is yes, I would ask whether her trust issues might be exasperated by involving another person at this time?
If you do decide to go down that route I would say keep it transparent. As you have said do everything in terms of finding that person, together.
Hope it works out well for you both
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Bandit58
Sir's wonder woman
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If you and your girlfriend are having problems, then I don't think it's a good idea to bring in a third party. Especially if she has trust issues.
My view is that you both have to be completely secure in your primary relationship before you bring others into it even if just for casual play. Jealousy is a very damaging emotion. Even in the best of relationships the little green eyed monster can rear its head. I know, because it has happened with me - fleetingly, but it was there. Luckily Sir and I have very open lines of communication and things have been resolved quite quickly.
I think the both of you need to sit down and work out your problems first, before you try to enact a fantasy she may or may not want to take into r/l - just my 2c, good luck
My view is that you both have to be completely secure in your primary relationship before you bring others into it even if just for casual play. Jealousy is a very damaging emotion. Even in the best of relationships the little green eyed monster can rear its head. I know, because it has happened with me - fleetingly, but it was there. Luckily Sir and I have very open lines of communication and things have been resolved quite quickly.
I think the both of you need to sit down and work out your problems first, before you try to enact a fantasy she may or may not want to take into r/l - just my 2c, good luck
TerragonSix
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honoria
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If she has trust issues, then bringing another woman into the mix is going to make things a lot worse. I realize it's her fantasy, and at some point she may want to bring it into r/l but it doesn't sound like she is ready for that yet. Protective is good, shoot, protective is great, but sometimes protective means saying no. I think that's where you are right now.
Continue to talk, continue to reassure her. You're going to get tired of all the reassurance you will have to do. Just realize that you are healing pain that someone else caused her. Tell her that. Gently get her to face that YOU didn't create her trust issues but you will do what you can to help her overcome them. Stand strong on saying NO, until YOU feel she is ready and then do EVERY step together.
But, also, be prepared. You may think she's ready, she may think she's ready and it may just be too much and have to be sent to the fantasy closet where iit is imagined but never acted upon.
Good wishes
Continue to talk, continue to reassure her. You're going to get tired of all the reassurance you will have to do. Just realize that you are healing pain that someone else caused her. Tell her that. Gently get her to face that YOU didn't create her trust issues but you will do what you can to help her overcome them. Stand strong on saying NO, until YOU feel she is ready and then do EVERY step together.
But, also, be prepared. You may think she's ready, she may think she's ready and it may just be too much and have to be sent to the fantasy closet where iit is imagined but never acted upon.
Good wishes
Perhaps if she has this fantasy, but she is having trust issues, then it might be beneficial for both of you if you work on that issue first before persuing something which involves another person. If you talking to someone has caused this reaction in her, then the reality of her seeing you being intimate with someone else could trigger something much more damaging for her.
Everyone has insecurities, and they are tricky. Even trickier when you're trying to work on them alone... believe me I've tried. It sucks. Focus on her and working out what her insecurities are and how you can reassure her, and later on down the track if she wants to persue her fantasy then keep her involved every step of the way.
Good luck.
Everyone has insecurities, and they are tricky. Even trickier when you're trying to work on them alone... believe me I've tried. It sucks. Focus on her and working out what her insecurities are and how you can reassure her, and later on down the track if she wants to persue her fantasy then keep her involved every step of the way.
Good luck.
TerragonSix
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I understood what you meant... what I was trying to say is that I'm getting the impression that despite her saying she wants this fantasy, she may not be quite ready for it yet.
It's a situation that is going to take a lot of communication and patience. Hang in there, I'm sure things will improve as you sound sincere in that you do really want for things to be right again between you two.
It's a situation that is going to take a lot of communication and patience. Hang in there, I'm sure things will improve as you sound sincere in that you do really want for things to be right again between you two.
EmpressFi
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yeah.. what they said..
I understand that she thinks you were cheating and because of past issues, her trust was injured... but also, if you endulge in the fantasy...without resolving this.. then trust me, there may be a voice in her head telling her that you like this other woman better than her. That's the part I believe people are cautioning you about, that's the part you'll need to tend to first.
Unfortunately, there's not a tried and true fix for the situation. It takes time and alot of communication.
I understand that she thinks you were cheating and because of past issues, her trust was injured... but also, if you endulge in the fantasy...without resolving this.. then trust me, there may be a voice in her head telling her that you like this other woman better than her. That's the part I believe people are cautioning you about, that's the part you'll need to tend to first.
Unfortunately, there's not a tried and true fix for the situation. It takes time and alot of communication.
Betticus
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Well, if she wants to play with another woman and you only want your gf.. you could let her have a girl on the side or do the threesome but let your girl know that you aren't going to play with the other girl.
Sounds like to me your gf has part of her that is dreading that you would go through with the threesome since she's been hurt in the past. Some part of her, no matter how big or small is testing you.
Beware of involving another person in your relationship. It is very dangerous ground.
Sounds like to me your gf has part of her that is dreading that you would go through with the threesome since she's been hurt in the past. Some part of her, no matter how big or small is testing you.
Beware of involving another person in your relationship. It is very dangerous ground.
TerragonSix
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subwannabe
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I agree. If she has trust issues bringing another person in, particularly a female, it would backfire on both of you. About the only way it wouldn't was if the experience turned out to be a total bust and obviously that is not what you would really want or it wouldn't be worth doing in the first place. I think you made a mistake by not including her in the search process right from the beginning and I think you realize that now. It sounds to me like you have a lot of years to go in your relationship before you attempt adding more people to the relationship, if ever. Right now you need time to heal the current wounds and keep this a fantasy for now.
Sex & Diamonds
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Personally, I would put this fantasy on the back burner for the time being.
Spend time with her and keep doing the small things for her that you are doing. Spend time with her and most importantly keep the lines of communication open. Reassure her how much she means to you as long as it takes for her to start believing in it. If she has trust issue's that might take a long time but the end results will be worth it.
You sound like a really decent guy (Do you have a brother?
) and I'm sure with time and patience she'll trust you completely.
Spend time with her and keep doing the small things for her that you are doing. Spend time with her and most importantly keep the lines of communication open. Reassure her how much she means to you as long as it takes for her to start believing in it. If she has trust issue's that might take a long time but the end results will be worth it.
You sound like a really decent guy (Do you have a brother?
) and I'm sure with time and patience she'll trust you completely.
Netzach
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Ouch.
The better progression from "I'm kind of abstract hot about threesomes" is probably to bring home some new porn and see if that leads to a discussion.
Also couples searches are best done either by the woman or by the parties together.
If I'm approached by a woman I also expect him to be fine being there or not being there or whatever - personally. That's what I read into that.
People are rarely happy with a surprise date with someone new. I'm sorry this got botched, hopefully if you really spend some time explaining it and explaining how important she is to you her confidence in you will bounce back a bit.
The better progression from "I'm kind of abstract hot about threesomes" is probably to bring home some new porn and see if that leads to a discussion.
Also couples searches are best done either by the woman or by the parties together.
If I'm approached by a woman I also expect him to be fine being there or not being there or whatever - personally. That's what I read into that.
People are rarely happy with a surprise date with someone new. I'm sorry this got botched, hopefully if you really spend some time explaining it and explaining how important she is to you her confidence in you will bounce back a bit.
SubKekiLee
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Terragon
I will agree with the rest of what the group has said.. But I will give you my opinion on how it works for us.. He doesnt set anything up I handle it all.. We have yet to find someone who is suitable to both of us and I always allowed VETO power if I am not comfortable and there are rules He wants to see me with her and her with me first and foremost but I want to see him with her.. knowing what he does to me.. I would tell you that right now doesnt sound like you two are ready and prepared to add anyone else.. and when you are let her be in control..
I will agree with the rest of what the group has said.. But I will give you my opinion on how it works for us.. He doesnt set anything up I handle it all.. We have yet to find someone who is suitable to both of us and I always allowed VETO power if I am not comfortable and there are rules He wants to see me with her and her with me first and foremost but I want to see him with her.. knowing what he does to me.. I would tell you that right now doesnt sound like you two are ready and prepared to add anyone else.. and when you are let her be in control..
Hoosier262
Experienced
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Certainly sounds like you and your lady are not ready for a third party to be involved in your sex life at this point!
FurryFury
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If you and your girlfriend are having problems, then I don't think it's a good idea to bring in a third party. Especially if she has trust issues.
My view is that you both have to be completely secure in your primary relationship before you bring others into it even if just for casual play. Jealousy is a very damaging emotion. Even in the best of relationships the little green eyed monster can rear its head. I know, because it has happened with me - fleetingly, but it was there. Luckily Sir and I have very open lines of communication and things have been resolved quite quickly.
I think the both of you need to sit down and work out your problems first, before you try to enact a fantasy she may or may not want to take into r/l - just my 2c, good luck
Great post IMO!
FurryFury
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cherokee_dove
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Terragon,
Show her Your original post for this thread. The fact that You are looking for advice, and was honest and in detail about it; should let her understand what was going on.
And as to the trust issue, until you both can deal with that issue completely; then a third being involved is just going to make her start wondering again, if she met up with another one she can't trust.
Show her Your original post for this thread. The fact that You are looking for advice, and was honest and in detail about it; should let her understand what was going on.
And as to the trust issue, until you both can deal with that issue completely; then a third being involved is just going to make her start wondering again, if she met up with another one she can't trust.
TerragonSix
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I'm afraid I can't do that. She would probably kill me for sure if she found I was talking to people about this that I've not even met yet.
I'm sorry I brought this up so publicly, sorry for involving you all. Please don't post in this thread further, if you want to still talk about it, feel free to PM me.
--Tommy
