opinions needed

[moonkitten]

i have a friend who has just discovered her submissive side about a year back. because she was new and inexperience with D/s relationships, she decided to gain some online experiences first before deciding if she'd like to take it to r/t.

not too long ago, she met a Dom online. they started out as friends initially but the friendship gradually grew to something deeper when both showed interest in taking the relationship further. however, because they were located so far from each other, they were unable to meet in real life (hence emails, instant messaging and the phone was used for communication.) after some time, the Dom gave her the impression and even told her he'd collar her when he felt both of them were ready. i guess he did not want to pressure her and at the same time, wanted time to decide if they were really compatible. although it was an online relationship, my friend was really serious and committed to it. (i guess even online relationships can get get really intense.)

but recently, after being away from the computer for a while (about a week) due to r/t problems, she found out that he has collared another submissive online. however, he did not inform her about it until she enquired. it was so abrupt that she was hurt, lost, and very confused because he had expressed so much interest in their relationship previously but after a week of absence, he acted as if nothing of it has happened between them (that they were merely casual friends.) not to mention he had collared another submissive and hid it from her until when questioned. because my friend is still rather inexperience, she doesn't know really what to do and still in the midst of getting over it.


so i am curious and seeking opinions on this issue and any valuable advices for my friend.

and for submissives here, did you encounter any experience like this before?

thanks.

 

[WriterDom]

I don't think this is a bdsm question really. Guys string along women over the internet every day and there are women who lie as well. When half of marriages fail why be surprised a failed online relationship?

Tell her to turn off the computer and meet a real guy.

 

[intothewoods]

It sucks for your friend, but she'll probably be smarter about it the next time.

Here is some good advice from Evil Geoff from another thread: http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=27565218&postcount=14

 

[moonkitten]

I don't think this is a bdsm question really. Guys string along women over the internet every day and there are women who lie as well. When half of marriages fail why be surprised a failed online relationship?

Tell her to turn off the computer and meet a real guy.

i don't think she was surprise. rather, i think it's more of disappointment. but i do agree it's aways better to meet a person in real life.

 

[moonkitten]

It sucks for your friend, but she'll probably be smarter about it the next time.

Here is some good advice from Evil Geoff from another thread: http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=27565218&postcount=14

thanks for sharing the link. i'm sure she will find it useful.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I find myself wondering what prompted her to ask him if he had collared another in her week's absence...seems she already saw the red flags to feel it a relevant inquiry. Personally though, I am not much into online collaring and no, it isn't borne of prejudice against online as that is how my own relationship was found, formed, and developed until we met in R/l...just online collaring is usually done (not always, but more often than not) by those who like it for the novelty value and the quick exit option as well as the possibility of having as many as you want without them needing to know about each other, or get anything more than words from the one collaring them.

As to what to do...move on and use the experience wisely and positively for future reference. Obviously they were not the right person so painful as it may be, better to find out now than later. Another thread which may prove useful is New Sub Haven.

Catalina

 

[moonkitten]

I find myself wondering what prompted her to ask him if he had collared another in her week's absence...seems she already saw the red flags to feel it a relevant inquiry. Personally though, I am not much into online collaring and no, it isn't borne of prejudice against online as that is how my own relationship was found, formed, and developed until we met in R/l...just online collaring is usually done (not always, but more often than not) by those who like it for the novelty value and the quick exit option as well as the possibility of having as many as you want without them needing to know about each other, or get anything more than words from the one collaring them.

As to what to do...move on and use the experience wisely and positively for future reference. Obviously they were not the right person so painful as it may be, better to find out now than later. Another thread which may prove useful is New Sub Haven.

Catalina

perhaps she asked him because she wanted a clear and direct answer, whether it was a 'yes' or 'no' to be sure her assumption was correct. then again, it's just my guess since i'm not her.

but thanks for the great advice and link. i'm quite sure she will be wiser in the future.

 

[WriterDom]

Can you imagine how much fun a cat would have on the moon. He'd need a little cat moonsuit of course. I bet they could jump 50 feet or more.

 

[twysted73]

perhaps she asked him because she wanted a clear and direct answer, whether it was a 'yes' or 'no' to be sure her assumption was correct. then again, it's just my guess since i'm not her.

but thanks for the great advice and link. i'm quite sure she will be wiser in the future.

Unfortunately she had to feel the bite of irresponsible "Dominants" early in her development. That is a true shame. Encourage her to go to any local "munches" (a.k.a. get togethers) for kink-minded individuals. Here's a search page... http://www.darkheart.com/usalist.html
where she can look for ones in her area.

All I can suggest is for her to view collaring as something akin to an engagement ring.
That's why it's such a powerful, emotion-envoking act. Because it speaks such volumes of devotion and bonding.

And lastly....don't give up. He was an idiot. And so undeserving of her devotion. He did HER a favor by showing his true colors early.
Be cautious, but don't close up so much that she misses a good oppotunity when it presents itself.


Slainte`

Can you imagine how much fun a cat would have on the moon. He'd need a little cat moonsuit of course. I bet they could jump 50 feet or more.

Yes..actually I have imagined it. How odd you should ask.
Just as I've wondered what direction Jell-o would wiggle in if in Zero-G........with the cat.

 

[moonkitten]

Can you imagine how much fun a cat would have on the moon. He'd need a little cat moonsuit of course. I bet they could jump 50 feet or more.

yea, maybe they could.

 

[moonkitten]

Unfortunately she had to feel the bite of irresponsible "Dominants" early in her development. That is a true shame. Encourage her to go to any local "munches" (a.k.a. get togethers) for kink-minded individuals. Here's a search page... http://www.darkheart.com/usalist.html
where she can look for ones in her area.

All I can suggest is for her to view collaring as something akin to an engagement ring.
That's why it's such a powerful, emotion-envoking act. Because it speaks such volumes of devotion and bonding.

And lastly....don't give up. He was an idiot. And so undeserving of her devotion. He did HER a favor by showing his true colors early.
Be cautious, but don't close up so much that she misses a good oppotunity when it presents itself.


Slainte`

that's one great advice. thank you so much for sharing.

 

[TerragonSix]

I'm sorry about your friends' luck.

Much like in vanilla relationships, there are a LOT of idiots out there (doms and subs alike), and unfortunately, she might have to get whipped by a few frogs before she finds the right one.

So tell you friend to keep at it, there is probably someone for her out there somewhere.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

It sucks for your friend, but she'll probably be smarter about it the next time.

Here is some good advice from Evil Geoff from another thread: http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=27565218&postcount=14

I was going to offer some advice here but it seems itw beat me to it. *LOL* No need for me to re-invent the wheel then!

thanks hon! {{{{{{HUG}}}}}}

 

[subwannabe]

She does need to turn off the computer and find a real person. I still get amazed at how many people think that when they discover they are either a dom or a sub they think the only way to meet someone is online. I still think the best thing to do is date people like normal, feel them out, and try to find someone who might be interested in what you are interested in. We all tend to feel like we are a small fraction of society and that most people are "normal". I think most people are willing to explore a wild side to some degree and that we are more normal than we think.

 

[kinkyknickers]

Plenty of people have found D/S relationships on line that turn into something real. Even more still are just making a "second life" for themselves.

Old mate sounds like the latter. There are heaps of people who have never taken their D/S relationships into "real" life, some because they just haven't found the one, most because it is a fantasy and alot of "Nillas" won't go past the fantasy into real life.

If your friend wants to play that game next time, I'd say, do exactly that, treat it like a role playing game until you've had actual contact with the person and you know you like them in real life.

The internet is the perfect place for a liar, they should be bloody careful.

KK

 

[moonkitten]

I'm sorry about your friends' luck.

Much like in vanilla relationships, there are a LOT of idiots out there (doms and subs alike), and unfortunately, she might have to get whipped by a few frogs before she finds the right one.

So tell you friend to keep at it, there is probably someone for her out there somewhere.

thanks for the advice.

 

[moonkitten]

She does need to turn off the computer and find a real person. I still get amazed at how many people think that when they discover they are either a dom or a sub they think the only way to meet someone is online. I still think the best thing to do is date people like normal, feel them out, and try to find someone who might be interested in what you are interested in. We all tend to feel like we are a small fraction of society and that most people are "normal". I think most people are willing to explore a wild side to some degree and that we are more normal than we think.

i believes she knows that meeting people online isn't the only way to find a D/s relationship. she could have felt that meeting someone online would be safer to explore her new-found interests then in real life.

but thanks for the tips.

 

[moonkitten]

Plenty of people have found D/S relationships on line that turn into something real. Even more still are just making a "second life" for themselves.

Old mate sounds like the latter. There are heaps of people who have never taken their D/S relationships into "real" life, some because they just haven't found the one, most because it is a fantasy and alot of "Nillas" won't go past the fantasy into real life.

If your friend wants to play that game next time, I'd say, do exactly that, treat it like a role playing game until you've had actual contact with the person and you know you like them in real life.

The internet is the perfect place for a liar, they should be bloody careful.

KK

yea, she wasn't cautious enough and ended up getting emotionally attached to the person over the net. i guess she'd be smarter and more careful if there's a next time.

 

[Jack_Slade]

On line relationships are no different than RL ones, in that both party's have to spell out their expectations up front.

I was in a 5 year committed on-line relationship, and things worked out well for the most part. Most OLR's are doomed to failure though, the lack of physical contact is what kills them.

 

[Bachlum Chaam]

The fact is she unluckily chose the wrong online D, he was unscrupulous and didn't really care about her

Also some people have no choice about the online aspect only

 

[FurryFury]

People typically do D/s online for a reason. More often than not that reason is that they can't do it or won't do it in real life. Things such as being married but not wanting to end the marriage or just being shy or even chicken shit (speaking for myself) might play into it.

I have played online. It can be very intense and quite wonderful.

It can also be obsessive and dangerous.

An online relationship of any kind can be hard to maintain when distance happens, NO MATTER WHY that distance happens.

That being said, people often manufacture real life reasons they can't stay in touch when really, they are just finished, but don't want to say so. Some might think such tactics let the other down more easily. It's sort of the online version of "I wish I could but I have to wash my hair tonight." Or as the SIMS might say, "I have to feed my llama."

It's surprising just how fickle people can be after establishing such a connection. One minute you can feel the two of you are very close. In fact, you might be worried that you or the other person is over attached.

I think part of that is because it's online. It can feel very real but it's still very tenuous and "unreal" in many ways. The next person that appeals can seem so much better particularly if they are actually someone met in real life.

In online it's much easier to fake being the perfect person. In so doing, your online partner gets an often very rosy view of how perfect you are. Secretly, you know the crap you are putting on them and/or you are getting bored, involved with someone else or just distracted by this fascinating thing called real life. It doesn't have to be real life of course, that's just the best case scenario, it could be WOW or something. LOL.

There are some real immature (of all ages) shits out there. Some of them claim to be Doms/ subs, male/ female, whatever but that doesn't mean they are those things. So one should be VERY careful of what information they give out to the online "love of their lives." That person could be something entirely different or just gone without explanation tomorrow.

It takes two very dedicated honest people to keep any relationship going and healthy. (We won't even get started on what it takes to keep unhealthy relationships going.) Online can be great but if often burns out just as fast as it fired up.

That's true of many relationships online or not. Needs change rather quickly online. What could once seem very promising, it suddenly becomes clear to one or the other individual, possibly both, is never going to go where you want it. This doesn't have to be anyone's fault at all. It's just the nature of the beast.

Your friend needs to mourn the loss of the relationship (and her dream of what it could be), and move on. This is something we all need to learn to do.

 

[ultramarineblue]

People typically do D/s online for a reason. More often than not that reason is that they can't do it or won't do it in real life. Things such as being married but not wanting to end the marriage or just being shy or even chicken shit (speaking for myself) might play into it. .....

I agree with FurryFury. It's so easy for people to pretend to be someone else - be it who they wished they were or even just trying out different things figure out who they are. The worst thing to me is that people often forget they are talking with a real person on the other side of that computer screen.

On the other hand, people are insincere in real life as well. You just have the added benefit of body language, tone of voice, facial expressions to help.

I hope everything works out well for your friend.

 

[moonkitten]

On line relationships are no different than RL ones, in that both party's have to spell out their expectations up front.

I was in a 5 year committed on-line relationship, and things worked out well for the most part. Most OLR's are doomed to failure though, the lack of physical contact is what kills them.

i agree that physical contact plays an important role. personally, i've never seen any relationship work out well without any or much physical contact.

 

[moonkitten]

The fact is she unluckily chose the wrong online D, he was unscrupulous and didn't really care about her

Also some people have no choice about the online aspect only

perhaps she chose him because they were already friends when they decided to pursue an online D/s relationship, hence, she trusted him more. i guess she was wrong about him and ended up being hurt.

 

[moonkitten]

People typically do D/s online for a reason. More often than not that reason is that they can't do it or won't do it in real life. Things such as being married but not wanting to end the marriage or just being shy or even chicken shit (speaking for myself) might play into it.

I have played online. It can be very intense and quite wonderful.

It can also be obsessive and dangerous.

An online relationship of any kind can be hard to maintain when distance happens, NO MATTER WHY that distance happens.

That being said, people often manufacture real life reasons they can't stay in touch when really, they are just finished, but don't want to say so. Some might think such tactics let the other down more easily. It's sort of the online version of "I wish I could but I have to wash my hair tonight." Or as the SIMS might say, "I have to feed my llama."

It's surprising just how fickle people can be after establishing such a connection. One minute you can feel the two of you are very close. In fact, you might be worried that you or the other person is over attached.

I think part of that is because it's online. It can feel very real but it's still very tenuous and "unreal" in many ways. The next person that appeals can seem so much better particularly if they are actually someone met in real life.

In online it's much easier to fake being the perfect person. In so doing, your online partner gets an often very rosy view of how perfect you are. Secretly, you know the crap you are putting on them and/or you are getting bored, involved with someone else or just distracted by this fascinating thing called real life. It doesn't have to be real life of course, that's just the best case scenario, it could be WOW or something. LOL.

There are some real immature (of all ages) shits out there. Some of them claim to be Doms/ subs, male/ female, whatever but that doesn't mean they are those things. So one should be VERY careful of what information they give out to the online "love of their lives." That person could be something entirely different or just gone without explanation tomorrow.

It takes two very dedicated honest people to keep any relationship going and healthy. (We won't even get started on what it takes to keep unhealthy relationships going.) Online can be great but if often burns out just as fast as it fired up.

That's true of many relationships online or not. Needs change rather quickly online. What could once seem very promising, it suddenly becomes clear to one or the other individual, possibly both, is never going to go where you want it. This doesn't have to be anyone's fault at all. It's just the nature of the beast.

Your friend needs to mourn the loss of the relationship (and her dream of what it could be), and move on. This is something we all need to learn to do.

i cannot agree more with you, especially the part on how one's online partner often has a very rosy view of how perfect one is. i believe it to be very true.

thank you for the very valuable piece of advice.