How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

"Teenagers and Cats"

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor you teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on endwithout moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, nmm,communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utterboredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom.

Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and donot make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

 

[wally2450]

"Teenagers and Cats"

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor you teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on endwithout moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, nmm,communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utterboredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom.

Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and donot make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
__________________

 

[smotherman]

THE 17 WAYS WOMEN FAIL IN BED:

1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

2. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.

3. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.

4. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak in whole sentences.

5. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.

6. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.

7. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.

8. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love It. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.

9. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.

10. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.

11. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

12. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.

13. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.

14. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your snatch look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.

15. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.

16. BEING UNGRATEFUL: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if a)sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b)you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.

17. SEEKING FAVORS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, "Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?" There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.

 

[smoothdevil]

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the
place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,
because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep, which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to
say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a
one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This take s about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of
MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained
space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't though of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full FireHose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell
you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.

I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

 

[MagicFingers]

The price of gas

I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.....

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

 

[smotherman]

I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas.....

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

LOL I just hate when that happens!

 

[wally2450]

An elderly man, wearing a threadbare coat with a yellow star sewn
on the lapel, is sitting alone in a train compartment. He fishes a
newspaper-wrapped packet, which he unwraps, revealing some fish
which he sets about eating, neatly replacing the bones in the
packet. When he has finished eating, he wraps the newspaper around
the bones and stuffs the packet back into his pocket.

At that moment, the train stops at a railway station and a Colonel
from the Waffen-SS enters the cab and sits down in front of the
Jew, who does not seem to react to the officer's presence. The
train starts rolling again.

Once the train has gathered som speed, the officer, satisfied that
his prey cannot escape by getting off, leans over:

- You're a Jew, aren't you? ...you know, I should have you shot on
the spot... But then again, maybe not. You see, there's something
I'd like you to tell me. What I want to know is, how come you Jews
are so damned smart?

The Jew stares at the officer and smiles knowingly. He answers:

- Well, you know - I'm not supposed to tell you this - I mean, it's
a well guarded secret among Jews.

The officer, who seems really eager to get this piece of
information, gets all excited.

- Well, look at it this way. I pay you two hundred mark, you tell
me, and I let you go and don't tell anyone you told me.

- Ah, in that case - well, what it really is, is that we eat
something that - you know - makes us smart.

- And what may that be?

- Now that really is a secret. I'm sorry, but I really can't
tell you.

- All right. I'll be generous. Let's make it four hundred mark if
you tell me what it is.

The Jew fishes out his packet again, and says:

- That's it.

By an immense effort of will, the Colonel refrains from lunging for
the packet. Instead, he says, very escitedly:

- Look. Here's what we do. I pay you eight hundre mark, you give
me the packet, I eat it and get smart, you get away, and everyone's
happy.

The Jew pockets the money and gives the officer the packet. The SS
unwraps it, and starts eating the fish bones one by one. The Jew
watches him with an amused smile. Suddenly, the officer stops
eating, stares thoughtfully at the fish bones for a few seconds,
then at the old man, then again, perplexed, at the bones, and
finally says, outraged:

- You *bastard*! You extort eight hundred mark out of me, make
me eat fish bones, make a fool out of me, and expect to get away
with it? How dare you challenge an officer of the Wehrmacht!

- You see, says the old man gently, you already are getting
smarter...

 

[wally2450]

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic
delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just
be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a
violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, the lady
being given the reading stared at the mystic's lined face, then at
the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a
few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She
met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"

 

[wally2450]

A PGA professional golfer, in an awful car crash, was rushed to the
hospital where the surgeon told the pro he had lost his right arm...
but that he had good news.

The despondent pro said, "There goes my life, Doc."

"Not necessarily, my good man." answered the doctor. He said that a
lady, a very nice Jewish lady, before dying had donated all of her
organs and body parts to anyone who was in need. The surgeon said he
could transplant the lady's right arm to the pro golfer.

The pro became ecstatic and the operation was a success.

Three months later, the pro visited the doctor to tell him his new
hand and arm had him winning tournaments right and left.

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that, Doc, but my handwriting has improved a thousand
percent, I've also taken up oil painting and sold my first canvas
for
$3000.00."

"Unbelievable." said the doctor. "I'm so glad the transplant was
such
a success."

"But there is one problem." the golf pro said.

"What's that?" asked the surgeon.

"Every time I touch my privates, I get a horrible headache."

 

[wally2450]

As parents, the major part of our duty is to prepare our
children for successful adulthood. That is not easy. One
does not know at what stage of a child's life they begin
to process information that will adhere to their psyche
and become part of the foundation that their personalities
will be built on.

I decided that you can never begin to guide too early. To
be sure, we teach at very early ages that hot water burns
and knives cut.

So I was sitting with my eight-year-old daughter, listening
to her chatter on and on at about 100 miles per hour, when
I decided it was a perfect time for a life lesson.

"Listen, honey," I said reaching down to hold both her little
hands in mine. "You're boring the ever-loving fuck outta me
with all this talk. How do you ever expect to keep a husband
if you talk so damned much?"

 

[redpaint]

How They Have SEX by PROFESSION : N - Z



N

NONSMOKERS ...do it without huffing and puffing.

NURSES ... call the shots.


O

OCEANOGRAPHERS ... do it down under.

OPERATORS ... do it person - to - person.

OPTOMETRISTS ... do it face - to - face.


P

PAINTERS ... do it with long strokes.

PARAMEDICS & PHOTOGRAPHERS ... do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS ... do it with uniform harmonic motion.

PILOTS ... keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS ... do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN ... like big busts.

POLITICIANS ... do it for 4 years, then they have to get re - erected.

POSTMEN ... come slower.

PRINTERS ... do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PROCTOLOGISTS ... do it in the end.

PROFESSORS ... do it by the book.


R

RACERS ... like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS ... do it off the wall.

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS ... broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE AGENTS ... know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS ... use it again...and again...

REPAIRMEN ... can fix any thing.

REPORTERS ... do it daily.

RESEARCHERS ... are still looking for it.

RETAILERS ... move their merchandise.

ROOFERS ... do it on top.

RUNNERS ... get into more pants.


S

SAILOR ... like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE ... have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS ... discovered it.

SECRETARIES ... do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS ... are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS ... have leather balls.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS ... are oral specialists.

SPELUNKERS ... do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS ... like instant replays.

STEWARDESSES ... do it in the air.

STUDENTS ... use their heads.

SURGEONS ... are smooth operators.


T

TAILORS ... make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS ... do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS ... mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES ... let their finger do the waking.

TELLERS ... can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS ... have fuzzy balls.

TRUCKERS ... have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS ... carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS ... do it in triplicate.


V

VEGETARIANS ... like to do it in the bushes.

VETERINARIANS ... are p_ssy lovers.

VETERANS ... like to blow things up.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS ... keep it up.


W

WAITRESSES ... serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS ... come down harder.

WELDERS ... have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS ... know the best holds.

WRITERS ... have novel ways.


Z

ZOOLOGISTS ... do it with animal instinct.​

 

[redpaint]

A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt". Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful butt. He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt". She then tells the man she wants Beautiful butt tattooed on her ass. The man tells her "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt. She agrees and gets it done.

On the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs. He opens the door and she says "look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man yells "WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?"!

 

[wally2450]

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he
asked his super hero friends for ideas on where he
could get a bit of action.
"Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"
"Well Superman, everyone knows that
Wonder Woman is the best sex in comicland.
Why don't you try her?" replied Batman.

"I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends.
So I don't really want to take advantage of her."

"Damn shame." said Batman as he waved goodbye to
Superman and drove off.
Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a
city when he saw the Green Lantern.

"Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're
a swinging bachelor, who's the best babe in
comicland?"

"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is
far and away the best lay in comicland, why don't you try her?"


"Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but
I didn't realize she had gotten around so much." and
he flew off in frustration.

Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a
field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the
middle of the field, with her legs apart.

Superman was tempted. He thought to himself, "I'm faster than a
speeding bullet,
I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here."

So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder
Woman stared up into the sky with a
dazed ___expression. "What the hell was that??" she exclaimed.

"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my ass
is killing me."

 

[innocentpassion]

more bad pickup lines...

26 Worst Pickuplines*


1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go fuck.

3. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

4. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

5. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock.

6. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

7. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you I'd be coming, too.

8. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

9. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

10. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big-Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

11. Wanna play house? You be the screen door and I'll bang you all night long.

12. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

13. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.

14. If you were a car, I would wax you and ride you all over town.

15. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize.

16. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

17. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

18. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

19. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

20. Hi my name is _______. Remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.

21. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

22. Want to play conductor? You be the engineer and I'll go choo choo.

23. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

24. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

25. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter -- I stick to the roof of your mouth.

26. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

Ok, those were bad. To be fair, some men things comming up next.

27. I'm like a Rubik's cube. The more you play with me, the harder I get.

28. Does this cloth smell like formaldehyde to you?

 

[wally2450]

Here's something that's causing a huge scandal...
In India, a sex video of two, young, attractive
people from India has been going around the
Internet shocking the country. It's two young
people from India having sex. So it looks as if
even Paris Hilton's job is being outsourced. -
Jay Leno

 

[wally2450]

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips


"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde


"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

 

[m.j.h]

You know you're an Australian if...............


1. You know the meaning of the word 'girt'.

2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

3. You think it's normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin.

4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.

5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.

7. When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom.

8. You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

9. You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.

10. You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'.

11. You believe the 'L' in the word 'Australia' is optional.

12. You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'

13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

14. You call your best friend 'a total ba$tard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a ba$tard'.

15. You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

18. You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga'
but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.

19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.

20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

21. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'.

22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.

23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

24. You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'.

25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.

26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

29. You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me'
is always polite.

30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

31. You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'.

32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.

35. You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.

36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.

37. You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

42. You will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.

 

[MagicFingers]

Hey Wally

click here
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?p=27661707#post27661707

 

[Quoll]

You know you're an Australian if...............


1. You know the meaning of the word 'girt'.

2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

3. You think it's normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin.

4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.

5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.

7. When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom.

8. You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

9. You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.

10. You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'.

11. You believe the 'L' in the word 'Australia' is optional.

12. You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas.'

13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

14. You call your best friend 'a total ba$tard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a ba$tard'.

15. You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

18. You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga'
but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.

19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.

20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

21. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'.

22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.

23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

24. You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'.

25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.

26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

29. You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me'
is always polite.

30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

31. You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'.

32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.

35. You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.

36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.

37. You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

42. You will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.

Ken Oath.

 

[smoothdevil]

Theft Problem - IMPORTANT MESSAGE:

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick.
The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original!
I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me!
The next time someone you know has something lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs.
I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.
Now I keep them hidden in my waistband

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: FW: Lovemaking Tips for Seniors


1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

2. Set timer for 2 minutes, just in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand just in case you can't
remember.

6. Keep the Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the
bed.

7. Have Extra-Strength Tylenol ready just in case you actually complete what you started.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it happens, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

* A French Scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with declining sexual activity read their e-mails with their right hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off, it's too
late......

 

[smoothdevil]

Revenge

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.'

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?' Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Tawana. So THAT'S the girl I want!'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He

headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught.

When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease...and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!

 

[Quoll]

You know you're an Australian if...............

43. You get this.
http://bp2.blogger.com/_l0StCgQMxz8/RnheLOjsQ1I/AAAAAAAABI4/0F1fd__-dDI/s400/Nasi+Goreng.jpg

 

[bobsgirl]

You know you're an Australian if...............

43. You get this.
http://bp2.blogger.com/_l0StCgQMxz8/RnheLOjsQ1I/AAAAAAAABI4/0F1fd__-dDI/s400/Nasi+Goreng.jpg

Damn bunnies!

 

[EJFan]

how do you make people laugh? you tell them to listen to george carlin.

rest in peace. you were a genius.