Adventures of Jamie F, Ch. 01 (Scifi, FF)

[EurasianRhapsody]

Wrote my first story and posted it up a while back, been trying to get myself to post ch. 2. one of the things i felt i messed up a little in ch. 01 was rushing things a little so there was some sex in the first chapter, some grammar and well not much going on.

Would really appreciate a critique. Please read the chapter in its entirety before commenting!

 

[EurasianRhapsody]

Oops, sorry, forgot the link, here it is

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=332207

 

[ellynei]

Very interesting sci fi story, there were some things that bothered me while I read though. I felt somehow uhm like I couldn't get properly into it. I think I managed to pinpoint some of the things that made it a troublesome read for me personally.

This is very much me personally, but maybe it can be useful for you.

-------First point of confusion-----

The first two paragraphs worked great for me but first point of confusion arose here:

quote.
"I was frozen? What-"

"Please, dress yourself with a robe from that locker and proceed along the only exit. Your answers await at the end."

I nodded curtly, quickly donning a robe, much like the other's, but a pristine white. Walking out alone as directed, I considered only the most obvious knowledge: that a cataclysmic event had come to past, and as an individual of special worth, I had been preserved as part of a project to preserve humanity.
quote end.


No transition from: "I was frozen? What-" to " I considered only the most obvious knowledge: that a cataclysmic event had come to past, and as an individual of special worth, I had been preserved as part of a project to preserve humanity."

One second she doesn't remember being frozen, the next she has the knowledge why she was frozen.

I'm not saying you would need to explain her memory issues after freezing this early, just that in the beginning of a sci fi, there are so many things for the reader to grasp at once, that transitions are helpful.

example that would have worked for me:

- Walking out alone as directed, fragments of remembered knowledge came to me, I considered only the most obvious: that a... -

'fragmented of remembered knowledge came to me' isn't such a good phrasing, just and example of a transition from knowing nothing to knowing something.



-----Second point of confusion-----

quote:
"The chatter rife among seats filled with white-robed men and women, weighing the unknown prospects of a dark new world, extinguished like a candle to the wind."
quote end.

Is it the chatter rife that is extinguished like a candle to the wind? I had to read the paragraph multiple times to interpret it that way. Others might not have this problem, but if they do it could be solved by rephrasing to two sentences.



-----Third point of confusion-----
As always the walls were built for bomb-stress, but my new abode looked pleasantly homely. A twinkling chandelier, intricate carpet, a number of computer terminals, a wide screen TV and a fireplace with plush crimson couches made a cozy living room, from which the individual apartments branched off down small corridors.


This phrasing: "but my new abode looked pleasantly homely." lead me into reading like she was now in her private quarters.

when a man she doesn't know is next to her and talks to her, i started thinking: "Oh roommate."

when lieutenant rodrigues starts talking I got confused (because of course that didn't fit with my image that she was in her private quarters.)


example that would have prevented my confusion (and my need to read back and forth to orient myself):

Simply replace: "...my new abode..." with "...the shared livingroom..."

or.

-As always the walls were built for bomb-stress, but the shared livingroom looked pleasantly homely. A twinkling chandelier, intricate carpet, a number of computer terminals, a wide screen TV and a fireplace with plush crimson couches made a cozy living room, from which the individual apartments branched off down small corridors. One of those appartments would be my new abode.-

Or something else

-------------

 

[tickledkitty]

What? You didn't like the answers you got the first time around?

 

[ellynei]

What? You didn't like the answers you got the first time around?

The Ellynei is confused, the Ellynei has a bad memory, did the Ellynei forget something? (Or was that question not related to the Ellynei's reply?)

 

[EurasianRhapsody]

What? You didn't like the answers you got the first time around?

more feedback is always good. points were brought up that weren't in the first thread