I am at least partially to blame, I figure.

[unfoundiamond]

I had heard about these girls getting involved with "bad Doms" and getting beaten badly... but I thought they where just stupid and got into relationships with abusers who happened to be dominants...

I recently got into a relationship with this guy Plato, to best classify him he's a switchie service bottom/Daddy dom if that makes sence... but he was into a lot of degredation too, this will be important later...

He basically enjoyed licking my asshole, or anything else, wanted me to piss on him, spit in his mouth, he loved my feet... liked me to put them on him during the times he ate my ass or my pussy but would totally switch on me and slap my face, Tell me what a good little girl I am, choak me. He acutually seemed to enjoy the whole daddy thing and didn't mind incorporating it into sex and life in general, he didn't mind training me to please him, or be fucked in my ass, or hustle harder or keep my head up in daily life. Giving me much needed advice many times that kept me going as I tend to need a lot of guidance.

I had heard him say he thought the best to serve yourself is to let someone think you're serving them, then you can serve your own motives and you have the other person not suspecting anything.

I thought this guy was harmless... and one night he called me to come get him, and beat my ass so bad I have lumps on my head, my jaw and chin are black and blue my lips was split and swolen and bruised... and that's just what he did with his hands... When I told him I was leaving he sicked a 120 lb pitbull on me. And it tore out a chunk of my leg and bit me several times on the back and ass, (the dog was trained to dogfight and very much a victim too as I watched him yell and beat the dog as I scrambled away) He sicked the dog on me then scolded it... I was so confused.

Anyways...

I am trying to make sense of this, I didn't see this comming untill it was too late, untill he was swinging closed fists at my face he never used physical violence when we argued, only a little play roughness for my pleasure...

Does breaking the physical violence boundary for sex make us more likely to be beaten out of anger?

did I somehow send mixed signals? Did I set myself up for this...

He said he had never hit a woman before, and he also never had a girl who was into hardcore like I am... I love to be spanked, slapped, whipped to no end, but I don't wanna get beaten again...

How'd this happen?

I want feedback... im lost.

 

[Netzach]

I don't think you're to blame, I don't think you sent signals for this, and some people are completely unhinged and let it all out at once. Sounds pretty much unhinged to me, just must have been able to keep it under wraps till some kind of pressure must have brought it all up, probably having nothing to do with you.

Toxic crazy person. Avoid. Deserves to be prosecuted.

 

[jockdom]

If the prick treats his dog like that whats he gonna do to you? Kick him into the touch! You can do better than that doll!

 

[Netzach]

While I'd caution strongly against blaming yourself or feeling responsible for it, I would advise really combing over things for any red flags you may have missed - not to beat yourself up, but this is how a good alert system is developed - through its failures. And it's possible, as with some really choice psychotics that you are quite right and NO bells were tripped.

 

[intothewoods]

Did you consider pressing charges? I mean, maybe if he just beat you, he could say it was all consensual, but I doubt anyone would believe that you asked to be attacked by a pit bull.

I agree with Netz. It's not about blame. I don't care what red flags you missed, you didn't deserve this or ask for it. This is about being extra cautious, because this world has some insane assholes in it.

So sorry this happened to you.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Sorry that happened to you.

Abusing the dog is a massive red flag.

 

[Netzach]

Sorry that happened to you.

Abusing the dog is a massive red flag.

Right, but if you only find that out when he's used it to attack you it's a little late.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Right, but if you only find that out when he's used it to attack you it's a little late.

I misread, I thought she'd seen him do it before.

Anyhow,

 

[jockdom]

Right, but if you only find that out when he's used it to attack you it's a little late.

Didn't he fight it?

 

[Netzach]

Didn't he fight it?

We don't know. I was assuming it was fought before he got it, but if he was fighting it himself that's ...yeah.

Regardless...

it's hard for me to explain what I'm trying to say. I think being risk-averse isn't the same as saying it's my fault - those are two different things.

And what happened is so not OK.

 

[Marquis]

I'm surprised this hasn't come up yet, but my first thought when reading this was:

Police.

 

[jockdom]

I'm surprised this hasn't come up yet, but my first thought when reading this was:

Police.

One of the other posters advised her to press charges.

 

[SirQittus]

From what you've said, you are not partially to blame. You did not (consciously) ignore any red flags. You were not consciously aware of the danger that he was posing.

As Netzach said, review and reflect, but only to fine-tune your redflag detection system.

At best, he has no concept of appropriate levels of force (hey there's quite a bit of real estate between "rough sex" and "siccing your pitbull on her," pal). At worst he tripped into angry psycho mode. Either way, you might at least consider a restraining order.

 

[intothewoods]

We don't know. I was assuming it was fought before he got it, but if he was fighting it himself that's ...yeah.

Regardless...

it's hard for me to explain what I'm trying to say. I think being risk-averse isn't the same as saying it's my fault - those are two different things.

And what happened is so not OK.

I'm saying the same thing. We all have to learn to take precautions that we maybe shouldn't have to, or don't want to take. But there are assholes out there.

And again, as to fault, even if the guy said, I'm evil, and I might someday sic my pit bull on you, it doesn't make it okay. That's a separate issue.

It's kind of like arguing a rape victim asked for it. My feeling is even if the woman is a total cock tease bitch and an awful person, just completely fucking with a guy's head, she still has the right to say, nope, not tonight. So she's a horrible bitch. It doesn't mean she "asked for it."

 

[madetotakeit]

I saw your comment in another post about the dog being sicced on you and was wondering what the hell happened. First...no blame lies at your feet. It is all too easy to figuratively beat yourself up for feeling that you let it happen, that you somehow could have prevented it. Don't fall into that trap. Because someone says they never abused before does not mean it is true. Abusers don't advertise what they do, especially to a possible victim. All you have to judge by is how honest they have been in regards to other situations and statements. Were there red flags? In hindsight you will probably find many. It is not your fault for having not interpreted them as such. You have to have a basis of comparison to know when an action or a statement should be considered a red flag.

It is not just the naive that are taken in by abusers. Every year intelligent women are the victims of abuse and even murder by someone that they never would have expected of being capable of such atrocities. The reason why they are able to do it is that they know what they are. They learn to be charming, to elicit trust. Were you aware that he used the dog for fighting before that night? Someone who finds pleasure in seeing animals not only maim each other, but fight to the death has little regard for life. In my opinion that extends to human life. There is a separation between actions and effect.

I agree with what was said before. It is very possible that he gave you no warning flags, what triggered the event probably had nothing to do with you. The police should be involved. Take pictures of your injuries. Write down what happened so you remember every detail to include in the report. This is a person that does not need to be walking the streets. Take back some of the power and see that he goes where he deserves.

As to your question about whether our breaking physical boundaries for sex make us more likely to be abused...I say it doesn't. I believe the drive to inflict in risk safe ways comes from a different place than the physical violence of an abuser. In our world it is a give and take. The needs and desires of both parties are considered. An abuser thinks only of himself without considering the consequences of his reactions. I have always felt that aside from a mental pathology abuse comes from repression. We can be called many things, but repressed is not one of them. While I don't think it is uncommon, I don't think it is unheard of for an abusive person to lurk in our world thinking it is a way to feed his need to do harm. He is damaged. He damages others as a result. Don't let him get away with thinking he is safe because the context of the relationship contained BDSM. Prove him wrong. Prosecute him and don't back down.

 

[FurryFury]

There are abusive assholes in every demographic. While it's true that in retrospect we can often see signs that were there, they are often damned good at manipulating us.

I don't see this as your fault. I don't see it as a BDSM issue either.

However, the dog thing is quite horrible to me. Not just that the dog attacked you but the whole dog fighting thing in general. I see it as animal cruelty. That's something I could never condone in a partner of any sort.

I agree you should consider pressing charges.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

*HUGS and HUGS*

 

[unfoundiamond]

I guess I was looking at it all wrong...

Its a lesson, I need to use it to be more careful next time...

I did know he used to fight the dog, and it was I believe the only thing we had found we didn't agree on... Micheal Vick was how the subject got brought up... when he said he used to fight the dog, that was a red flag. I see looking back...

Why is hindsight so 20/20?? I guess that's thr point tho, next time a guy says he agrees with dogfighting ill run.

I am just sitting here, my mind spinning... I see signs looking back...

I thank you for all your feedback.

 

[unfoundiamond]

Furry, long time no see, and hughugkisskiss...

There are abusive assholes in every demographic. While it's true that in retrospect we can often see signs that were there, they are often damned good at manipulating us.

I don't see this as your fault. I don't see it as a BDSM issue either.

However, the dog thing is quite horrible to me. Not just that the dog attacked you but the whole dog fighting thing in general. I see it as animal cruelty. That's something I could never condone in a partner of any sort.

I agree you should consider pressing charges.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

*HUGS and HUGS*

Furry, we was my "Daddy", my dominant and my lover. I trusted him with my secrets, my turn ons and my life.

I trusted him to choak me untill I passed out during sex, and through that trust and expirience, had my first orgasam without having my clit rubbed...

I am still sickly missing him, (*aren't I just F*ed in the head?*)

I felt like he was the first man to unlock me... I told him after the orgasam, "Thank you, Daddy" he said "for what?" making me say it... I said very low at first, "Thank you Daddy for showing me what my pussy was for"

- I assure you, we where very much involved in S&m and Power Exchange.

 

[FurryFury]

Furry, we was my "Daddy", my dominant and my lover. I trusted him with my secrets, my turn ons and my life.

I trusted him to choak me untill I passed out during sex, and through that trust and expirience, had my first orgasam without having my clit rubbed...

I am still sickly missing him, (*aren't I just F*ed in the head?*)

I felt like he was the first man to unlock me... I told him after the orgasam, "Thank you, Daddy" he said "for what?" making me say it... I said very low at first, "Thank you Daddy for showing me what my pussy was for"

- I assure you, we where very much involved in S&m and Power Exchange.

I'm so sorry for your loss. To give trust like that, to have it trampled is horrible. To lose something that worked for you and a dream is a terrible thing.

I didn't say you weren't involved in S&M or Power Exchange. I only meant that BDSM wasn't the reason for such abuse. Abuse happens in Kinked and non kinked relationships. It happens in every single demographic. BDSM is not the blame for this and, neither are you.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Does breaking the physical violence boundary for sex make us more likely to be beaten out of anger?

Not IMHO. There are plenty of abuse victims who are not into S&M or BDSM of any form, or sexual with their abuser.

did I somehow send mixed signals? Did I set myself up for this...

No, though the advise you got about going back over this at a later date and looking at how he got through your defences to be in a position to abuse you in these ways is a good one. It is nt blaming the victim, it is helping the victim/survivor to educate themselves about themselves and perceptions, teaching them to listen to their instincts more so than repress them, and find out what things can make them vulnerable to abusers in the future. I would suggest it would be a good thing to go to a reputable counselling service for women survivors of abuse to get the support and help needed to help you recognise what it is you need to look at and acknowledge, and move forward with confidence. I have never known a woman who did not have something in their past which unwittingly set them up for the abuse they received from another...that is not asking for it or being responsible, it is recognising where the gaps in your defenses are and repairing them.

What I would say about mixed signals though is he sounds very much like that was one of his tools...say one thing, then say or do the opposite; seemingly contradict his statements in ways you and most people would interpret them, etc. It is often referred to in DV as crazy making as it does confuse the victim, it does make them wonder if they are the one in the wrong, it does make them feel stupid and responsible for what happens, and it does expose them terribly to present and future abuse by causing them to doubt themselves and their perceptions.

He said he had never hit a woman before, and he also never had a girl who was into hardcore like I am... I love to be spanked, slapped, whipped to no end, but I don't wanna get beaten again...

What he said doesn't matter, nor is it likely the truth. What it does do if you give it weight is make you feel further responsible for his behaviour and cripple you in terms of taking action against him out of fear of how others will view what happened, and you. Don't buy into it. Chances are you are just one more of a long line of victims he has left in his wake. S&M are not the same as non-consensual abuse which is what you do not want and should never have to endure or have in your life.

How'd this happen?

Only you can answer that, and it may take a long time for you to be able to do so. And once again, that does not mean responsibility lay with you, just that you can find ways to recognise how he managed to get under your defenses and abuse you against your will. Someone suggested it was not important to look at what you missed in terms of red flags or why it happened, but as an abuse counsellor I strongly disagree as it is your first line of defence against further abuse in the future from another. Another trap many survivors fall into is becoming involved with another abuser soon after, or in the future and once again not seeing the signs they give off as they are totally different from the previous abuser. Abusers do not conform to one clear cut design which can be easily recognised, hence the ease with which they find unsuspecting victims. Often it is the knight in shining armour who comes to the rescue who also turns out to be the most vicious and insidious abuser. Often the survivors confidence s so undermined by the former abuse they do not see the next abuser as anything more than a nice guy willing to love and protect them. Going through a support service will help you recognise these vulnerabilities and protect yourself.

As to whether you should report the attack/s, I am of mixed mind. I never recommended a survivor do that as it is not always the best thing to do and I was not prepared to make the decision for them and then have the possible negative outcomes on my conscience. It is a decision only you can make and we can support either way. The reason I say that is because there are things to consider in terms of your continued safety. Some of them are:

*does he know where you live, work, etc.? I assume so.

*does he have information about your family and their addresses and work etc.?

*how do you feel he will react if he finds you have reported him?

*if the police do not arrest him and lock him up, is he likely to come after you?

*does he have a key to your place?

*does he have access to other areas of your life such as finances?

All these things are relevant when deciding what to do in terms of legal avenues. In a perfect world you could report him, his arse would be hauled of to jail immediately, he would be imprisoned for several years, and he would never bother you again. Unfortunately we do not live in a perfect world and there are many women (and children) who have lost their lives because of that. The record of proving and winning rape and abuse cases for women has improved but is still a gamble on many factors in terms of positive outcome.

It isn't fair or right, but it is reality. A protection order also is another thing I never pushed a survivor to get as reality is it is just a piece of paper which will only work in a number of cases which involve an abuser who does not want any more problems. Other abusers see it as a personal attack they are not willing to let slide if it is the last thing they do. Police rarely can do anything about that until it is too late. That is why you must make the decision as you have the best idea of whether he would react by leaving you alone, or seek revenge.

You are understandably vulnerable and confused at the moment...do you have someone you can stay with until you feel more secure and ready to take charge of your life again? Number one thing you need to do is protect yourself and do whatever you can to not see or be alone with him again. Your protection is most important right now, not whether he pays for his crime. While it is true he might go on to abuse another, and that is regrettable, it is not your responsibility to try and prevent this and in the doing, risk yourself further.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

I also think the reason why a lot of people haven't been saying "OMG press charges, go to court, get this motherfucker behind bars" isn't because we don't want that, it's because we've seen what usually actually happens. Well, that's being cynical, how about "often" not usually. What cat said.

 

[Homburg]

*hugs*

Press charges. Press charges and call animal services on him.

 

[LittleJade]

Sounds to me like he's a manipulative piece of shit who is trying to convince you through subtleties, that it's your own damned fault that he's a shithead.

You are NOT to blame. Just because you like a bit of pain, does not mean you like or condone violence. Inviting pain into the bedroom in the manner that you did, evokes the Safe, Sane, Consentual motto- and violence is neither safe, sane, nor consentual.

The man is unhinged. I hope to god that you left him and then called the Police, and then the SPCA or animal rescue, or something. I hope you sought medical attention.

I hope you seek counselling, to help you go through this.


I like to be hurt in bed. I do not like to be HARMED. A partner must always look out for your safety, and I believe very much that beating out of anger is NEVER okay. I have owned a submissive who wanted me to take my anger out on him, and I have struggled, and DO struggle with it... for various reasons... it is just not okay, to me.

Making the connection between enjoying spanking and 'rough sex' and the violence he did to you... is like saying that every woman who enjoys sex with a man, in some way invites rape.

The comparison, the connection, does not stand up.

*hugs*

 

[catalina_francisco]

*hugs*

Press charges. Press charges and call animal services on him.

And you would be comfortable with giving that advice if she ended up another tragic statistic as so many others have? Pressing charges can be very hollow if firstly you are not believed, secondly there is not enough evidence in the eyes of the law to imprison him (and hopefully before he could make his move), thirdly a loophole in the law allows him to walk free and seek revenge, and forth if he really doesn't give a damn about the consequences and the police either do not get there quick enough or dismiss a complaint as just another domestic until it is too late. Waving a piece of paper in the face of someone seriously intent on killing you is not a very strong means of defending your life, nor can the police provide every victim with a full time body guard just in case. Personally and professionally I have never felt I could live with knowing someone ended up dead or seriously harmed because I strongly encouraged them to take action where it was perhaps the most dangerous step they could have taken.

Catalina

 

[Marquis]

I also think the reason why a lot of people haven't been saying "OMG press charges, go to court, get this motherfucker behind bars" isn't because we don't want that, it's because we've seen what usually actually happens. Well, that's being cynical, how about "often" not usually. What cat said.

Damn.