The More than a blurt thread, prose, poetry and manic tirades

[Gi_Venus]

Malefeasance of my heart my fear,
it never leaves me.
Laughing it, jeers at my hurt.
At every turn it looms large and dark.
Killer of joy, stiffler of potential.
My fear hides me from my self.
The person I should be, that should have been.
Demoralized, and beaten down,
I take a little slap at it, Booming laughter at my
feeble attempts. It is death, it is hurt,
it is the sorrow of my life.
Savagely it blocks my moves,
standing if front of the golden dream
leeching life, moving the rainbow to grey.
I will stop it, I will cease to exist,
Who will laugh now? It and I will be gone,
but who will sing the song?
Who will see the sunrise or smell the rose?
The meadow empty of flowers will be impoverished.
And so it is obvious, fear must go. For I cannot.

 

[Gi_Venus]

there is nothing
my cup is full of sand
the well is dry
and my heart is dying

 

[Gi_Venus]

The poignant moment of mortality
the blade rests, pricking the skin
my heart beats hard
a moment of eternity
no one cares
another transexual for the waste bin
an effigy of scorn and loathing
yearning for peace
for quiet in my soul
where is the peaceful river?
that is someone else's dream

 

[Nirvanadragones]

*knock knock*

Gi_Venus has exceeded their stored private messages quota and can not accept further messages until they clear some space.

 

[Gi_Venus]

*knock knock*

Gi_Venus has exceeded their stored private messages quota and can not accept further messages until they clear some space.

thank you Vana

 

[Gi_Venus]

The light shines brightly
yet still I crouch in the darkness
a hand offered to help
misery holds me in its clutches
I see the dream, I see me
tenious, like some fragile mirage
flickering briefly in eternity
a firefly touched by hope
a cold light, pale and hard to maintain
a powerful vision of strength,
a unrelenting life, a heart that beats strong
a gentle pulse to kiss the world
and bring love into a flaming light
to cast aside the night

 

[Gi_Venus]

Oh why did I not carry my laptop yesterday.
My mind was rife with ideas and thoughts.
I was crowded, titillated by many attentions,
a dance in the mind, mostly joyful in that it is what i do best.
And here I must work. *pout*
Perhaps the dances will continue
and I will catch the fleeting dancers,
immortalize them in time,
frozen in their lithe beauty
to some, florid refuse.
To others a golden moment.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Those once dark moments shift to light
a lover appears offering life and happiness
Unrealized dreams and potentials ignite
into reality, bright and hopeful.
An angel graces my world.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Joyful expression, synergistic bliss
a recognition of a soulmate
tender words, loving arms
acceptance and encouragement
dreams of the world
warmth of my heart and hers
Gladly I embrace her
my sister, my lover, my friend

 

[Gi_Venus]

we dance, we falter, we cry.
disbelief and hurt, accusations.
The love lies beneath
waiting its time of grace
a gentle heart stained with pain
colored with a rain of tears.

 

[Gi_Venus]

It is our perception of self that binds us. When we release preconceptions and live in the moment we become free. When we allow our validation to be determined by the outside we leave ourselves to victimization. It is only by fate we end up embraced by a gentle and kind perception.

How to assess each other? We use first impressions, that is dictated by the bias of experience to color in observation. We assume that because someone behaves a certain way in the past it is in stone that they will continue to behave in that way in the future .
For most people this is true, but should we not give them a chance when we would expect a chance to redeem our lives for ourselves? We all have the capacity for change, life is fluid, behavior and habit are ephemeral if we let them be.

 

[Gi_Venus]

How lucid, how dark, is hope a fallacy? Is living the demonstration of love, hope,beauty contrasted with the darkness of pain. Can we live without pain?
I have my ideations of a final end, where crouching in the darkness I contrive and fantasize of my end, it is only to stop the hurt. The despair takes my breath away, The pain becomes a point of eternity, a malfeasance that is without limit. Much is my expectations of people, they fail me. I see the world as a better place where people are gentle with each other. On the surface it is cruelty. But with understanding it is the horrific ideal that we are all islands unto ourselves, never able to mesh our dreams into a beautiful painting.
I do not want to be an island. I want the gentler world of a shared loving vision.
Why can we not make the world a better place just by the mere fact of living a beautiful life. Kissing the cosmos with a intent of pure love. Live impeccable with a pure heart and the choices will be obvious.

Now how to wash this tainted heart? Are the dreams enough?

 

[Gi_Venus]

I posted this at another forum, I thought I would share it here as well.

I live part time at a beautiful place,
it is on the Indian River Lagoon.
Yesterday I realized that
I had not witnessed the sunrise in sometime.
This morning I took my coffee and my guitar
and walked barefoot through the exquisite
dew laden grass down to the dock.
The cold drops caressed my feet
with a delicious sense.
http://i140.photobucket.com/albums/r16/GiannaVenus/P1000698resized.jpg

It was glassy and quiet.
The lagoon was full of life
exhibited by the lazy jumping of mullet
and a tarpon lolled in the shallows.
Herons flew from their roosts
to their morning fishing.
Here I played my guitar
and greeted the sun.
The morning rays
kissed my face as my notes
drifted over the water.
http://i140.photobucket.com/albums/r16/GiannaVenus/P1010403resized-1.jpg

 

[Gi_Venus]

The words linger cloistered around my anxiety.
Vestiges of memories, shining sunny moments
Of childhood tainted by the darkness
A looming unremembered malfeasance of molestation.
Even now I strive to know, who am I?
I am a female born into a male body
Who tried to live as a man.
All is delusional, a false life,
A mind wrapped in a lie.
What is real? I do not know.
A lack of belief in everyone
And in myself.
Has anyone ever said I love you
And meant it? No, it is a conditional
Statement of fact that I have to accept
Who they perceive me to be in order to
Be loved. Hurt, and anger are
The only things that dominate
My consciousness.
I am timid, afraid, anxious.
The world’s perception is hateful.
How dare I be female!
How dare I be anything.


In my anger I beat my peers
Reality was my god
And I clubbed them with it.
Is it any wonder I am alone?
In my heart I am soft.
I did not mean to be cruel
But saw truth as enlightenment
Not realizing that
Truth but for the moon and sun
Is relative. Most cannot bare it.
Now I am gentler, seeing each reality
A variation of the plan of God
A complex and integral part
Of the composition of the world.
With this said, what is my color?
What is my light?
Even in tragedy we cannot know
Heaven but for hell
Without sorrow joy is pallid
And soulless

 

[Gi_Venus]

Today I may start the disability process for my anxiety. Then I again if I cannot make the phone call my therapist will help me next week. I had the realization that my fear is insurmountable this week. That I have been victimizing myself for years and I need to get more help. My writing, my music, my art, and my dreams all stymied by the chronic anxiety.
*sigh* it is the daily suicidal ideation that was the final straw, I realized that dreaming of taking my life so that it would stop is pretty much over the line.
My child has kept me from taking that final plunge and the support of lovely people I have found mostly in this unlikely site. Really but for the sense of connection I have found on the internet I would be gone. Those in my immediate environment are hostile towards me saying they do not approve of my "life style" Its me for gods sake. Life style as if I am not real. The wish to cling to the me that was a false composite, the ghost I used to hold up for the world to see is not me. This is me, the introspective journey laid bare and raw for nothing else exists of me.

The self loathing began with puberty, with the testosterone that distorted me
with the unnatural ways that I tried to live, always troubled, the only time I was not was when I was allowed to drop that role in things that transcended gender such as the wonder of nature and the world. Wonder has always been a part of me in the excitement of discovering something new and beautiful.

My modern world is one of wonder contrasted with darkness.
Anything from the ideation of death morbid with the taste of gun oil of the gun barrel in my mouth to the the flight of a Giant Swallow tail butterfly and the laughter of my child. Oh, the gun barrel is not there, but I taste it, it is as real as the butterfly in sun light. Oh my child, expression of my love to my first love, that he exists is a wonder and a testament to a beautiful part of my life, his mother. I love her still. We wonder and worry together about him. Time to go, I have work to do. *sigh*

 

[Gi_Venus]

The poem is not new but the graphics accompanying it is. This I did this morning as an expression of my anxiety and fear. Fear and anxiety is death to me, it looms killing my spirit.

Malefeasance of my heart my fear,
it never leaves me.
Laughing it, jeers at my hurt.
At every turn it looms large and dark.http://i140.photobucket.com/albums/r16/GiannaVenus/Anxietya.jpg
Killer of joy, stiffler of potential.
My fear hides me from my self.
The person I should be, that should have been.
Demoralized, and beaten down,
I take a little slap at it, Booming laughter at my
feeble attempts. It is death, it is hurt,
it is the sorrow of my life.
Savagely it blocks my moves,
standing if front of the golden dream
leeching life, moving the rainbow to grey.
I will stop it, I will cease to exist,
Who will laugh now? It and I will be gone,
but who will sing the song?
Who will see the sunrise or smell the rose?
The meadow empty of flowers will be impoverished.
And so it is obvious, fear must go. For I cannot.

 

[Gi_Venus]

Feeling the ragged edge today, my jaw is still hurting from the teeth extractions of last Monday and I am out of the more effective pain medicines. I pray there are no infections. I used to heal much faster. *sigh*
Noticing how my life revolves around my child, is it fair that I gather his light to me on the weekends when he is in my care?
His mother says that much of the positive things he is learning are coming from me. One of the beautiful things he says is that no one is evil, that all people are good. He treads along one of my beliefs, it is only worded differently. I say we all are pure, that our birth self is still within us untainted by the world, it is from this purity from which we draw our renewal for life to face adversity and the self doubt we all face in the now. It is learning to forgive ourselves of our humanity and our lack of perfection. Innocence? How best to travel there when tainted by the perversions of the world, or are they perversions but the judgments of ourselves and a manifestation of our misunderstanding? There are perversions, that of cruelty and hate, of egocentric gratification. Fortunately we have definitions and ideals that show us the way to aspire too. Some are taught us by our mothers in how they gently gave to us their nurturing attention, being held and loved. Others are taught us by our sages, religious fathers(and mothers) and by the loveliness of a wayward act of a stranger who wants nothing in return for a graceful act.

How perverse I was to myself as a male, my self loathing is more vehement the more I move away from that ideal that I tried to mold myself too. My purity became misplaced upon puberty and as I moved into the world of adults with their distortions and ego maniacal ideals. The gentleness of self kicked aside amongst the refuse of childhood, a harsh attempt to add validity to a self that was false to begin with.

Oh my child, I am back to my light and my redemption. I see his purity and his struggles to ascertain his place in the world. With my child's birth and with my ex I began to reclaim my pure state and in my words that have so often defined my journey in recent years. Yes, I am real in my intent and I love people for their purity that I sense ever present within. I would share my own love if I was a greater person, to move unfailing in the beauty of the world that I see.

Every moment is a chance to write on the blank page, why not write from a point of purity and to release all the misery of experience. Back to that time where nothing mattered but wonder. I'll not add to the misery of the world but give it the love it needs, and when I fail. I will write the page anew.


Speaking of which, I have been shunning someone who hurt me. I have cut them loose but now they are reaching out to me. I see their imperfections so clearly, why do I not focus on their light? The answer is certain, give love without expectation their distortions are their own. Meaning I must interact with them rather than avoid them for there are times where I am some one else s light. Shall I shield the light? Is this a loving act? No it is cruelty.

 

[Gi_Venus]

As a spectator I view life
it happens to others
beauty and tragedy
all combined in a wonderful composition
I am insignificant,
Life is a stage that others act upon
I see their beautiful dreams unfold
as a fairytale, a myth of what should be.
But for me, the play has a poor writer.
wracked with horrible acts
nightmares of inadequacies
that I am expected to express
I see lines, lovely and bold
For me to deliver
But I cannot grasp them
I falter into silence.
Frozen in my fear
I face my fright.

 

[lesbiaphrodite]

"By my troth, I care not; a man can die but once; we owe God a death...and let it go which way it will, he that dies this year is quit for the next."--Shakespeare, Henry IV

 

[Safe_Bet]

"By my troth, I care not; a man can die but once; we owe God a death...and let it go which way it will, he that dies this year is quit for the next."--Shakespeare, Henry IV

We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes.
--John Fitzgerald Kennedy

~ Hugs ~

 

[Gi_Venus]

Both of these have been posted on this thread separately, here I have melded them together as they so belong. Lol I am having fun with re-edits.

http://i140.photobucket.com/albums/r16/GiannaVenus/P1010562poemresized.jpg

 

[Gi_Venus]

"By my troth, I care not; a man can die but once; we owe God a death...and let it go which way it will, he that dies this year is quit for the next."--Shakespeare, Henry IV

We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes.
--John Fitzgerald Kennedy

~ Hugs ~

Thank you both

 

[Gi_Venus]

I am choked this morning,
usually words flow
in an unending stream.
frozen like a photo
but I am not pretty
the day calls me
from my stasis
breathe, just breathe

 

[Gi_Venus]

ahhh! where are my thoughts?
my intent is shunted here and there
go for my walk? where did I lay the key?
where is my hair tie?
Then once again my thought flows to work,
I must hurry! Oh! Once again the brook
carries me against a stone and my thought is diverted
again, Oh! Do I look presentable?
Where did I lay the house key?
The Tie the tie! Hurry!
What do they think of me?
They knew me as a man,
now I walk as woman amongst them.
Where is that hair tie?
A scan of the chaos shows nothing
but who could find anything in all this.
Am I anxious? of course I am anxious!
My hair tie where is it?
The coffee has warmed me.
I will probably be all sweaty after the walk.
Shower, I will have to shower before work.
Do I still know where the house key is?
The hair tie? Time is running out.
The brook carries me on.

 

[Gi_Venus]

My mother seeing my photography
asked me could we show some of my photos.
I said certainly but you realize
that my new name Gianna will be on the photos
She says, never mind.
My family all call me by my old name,
each time, a slap in the face
I am not a male, I am not that thing
that they want me to be.
It is an old wound,
for I have never been able
to be what she desired.