Feedback please...complete virginal writing

[VeronicaSexie]

Just trying to get started here, this is a story I wrote for my friend. It was not planned or thought out obviously, but I just wanted to see if I might have a smidgen of talent for writing. I have posted this in another area, which was evidently the wrong place. So please go easy, I am starting on part 2 and will make a concerted effort to make it more erotic and enjoyable.

The Cab Ride-Part One

He met her online, it seems like ages ago. They chatted off and on, sometimes online, occasionally on the phone. They talked about meeting eventually, but she didn't really think it would ever happen. She actually thought he forgot her for a while, but he messaged her again, and he was as always a perfect gentleman.
The day came, when he finally was coming home from the war, at least briefly, and they would finally meet. She had teased him mercilessly in their past conversations, eluding to warm, wet kisses in the back seat of a cab. He had offered to be her designated driver since she had once said she felt like partying like an animal and swinging from the chandeliers. He giggled to himself at the thought!
They met at a quaint downtown restaurant which was dimly lit, cozy and had wonderful food. They drank decadent, sinfully delicious chocolate martinis. She became giggly and tipsy, then they began drinking shots of pure liquor, especially since she was beginning to feel his eyes lustfully scanning over her body. They were both feeling the need for an extra shot of courage!
He did not really drink that much, as he wanted to see to it that she got safely to her hotel room later. He was beginning to feel warmth all over and he loved her sensuous laughter and the twinkle in her eyes...
They occasionally brushed each other under the table and his fingers toyed with her leg that was suddenly pressed close to his. This made her look at him increasingly with lustful thoughts and she knew that the plans she had for the ride home were very much a likely possibility.
He suggests that they get her home to her hotel room soon. There was an urgency in his voice that made her heart skip a beat and take a deep breath. She realizes she is a little tipsy. Oh no, she got carried away again!
They get up to leave, the place now closing,he holds her steady when she starts to waver in her steps. They walk down the beautiful main street with the lights lighting up the night and the sidewalks, the stores all closed. A cab came along and he stops it. They hurry into the back seat, sitting close. She tells the driver the name of the hotel, smiling sweetly at her soon to be lover she hopes!
She remembers her plan, something she had teased this man about, long distance, almost feeling guilty for "torturing" him. She whispers to the driver to stop at an all night shop, and tells him to stay there while she runs in. She returns with a can of whipped cream and a jar of cherries. They both share a laugh. Now what are you going to do with that young lady? He asks jokingly, as always she giggles, but in a sensual way with her eyes twinkling more than ever.
He leans in to kiss her oh so softly and gently. Then the kisses become deep and passionate once again. He then whispers to the driver to take the long way around town before getting to the hotel, and close the partition in the cab, winking. By this time, he notices she has taken off her jacket and he can see she has on no bra under her flimsy dress. He pulls one strap off her shoulder and kisses it gently.
Now for her plan...she gets out the whipped cream and pulls her flimsy top completely off. He looks awestruck, not sure what to do. Don't worry, sweetie, she say, I won't bite..giggle. She squirts the luscious cream all over her breasts and places a cherry over each nipple.
Ready for desert baby? She asks teasingly. Oh yes ma'am I am, and he dives his face into the whipped cream, finding her waiting and erect nipples. Licking the whipped cream off, he places a cherry in her mouth. They kiss and play with the cherry, he goes back quickly to the whipped cream. Lick it all up baby, she moans, as his tongue feels hot on her nipples and quivers go all through her body. After he has licked the whipped cream all off, they suddenly have arrived at her hotel. She quickly slips her top back on.
He pays the driver and they head for the hotel...

To be continued...

 

[where]

Give them names... too much 'he' and 'she'. You seem to switch tenses a bit here and there as well. It looks like a good basis for a story though. Also leave a double space between paragraphs. It's just way too dense for me to read as it is.

In fact, I think it would be better if when people posted stories on threads if they format it for bigger font size generally...

 

[The_Fractal_King]

The Cab Ride-Part One

He met her online, it seems like ages ago. They chatted off and on, sometimes online, occasionally on the phone. They talked about meeting eventually, but she didn't really think it would ever happen. She actually thought he forgot her for a while, but he messaged her again, and he was as always a perfect gentleman.

The day came, when he finally was coming home from the war, at least briefly, and they would finally meet. She had teased him mercilessly in their past conversations, eluding to warm, wet kisses in the back seat of a cab. He had offered to be her designated driver since she had once said she felt like partying like an animal and swinging from the chandeliers. He giggled to himself at the thought!

They met at a quaint downtown restaurant which was dimly lit, cozy and had wonderful food. They drank decadent, sinfully delicious chocolate martinis. She became giggly and tipsy, then they began drinking shots of pure liquor, especially since she was beginning to feel his eyes lustfully scanning over her body. They were both feeling the need for an extra shot of courage!

He did not really drink that much, as he wanted to see to it that she got safely to her hotel room later. He was beginning to feel warmth all over and he loved her sensuous laughter and the twinkle in her eyes...

They occasionally brushed each other under the table and his fingers toyed with her leg that was suddenly pressed close to his. This made her look at him increasingly with lustful thoughts and she knew that the plans she had for the ride home were very much a likely possibility.

He suggests that they get her home to her hotel room soon. There was an urgency in his voice that made her heart skip a beat and take a deep breath. She realizes she is a little tipsy. Oh no, she got carried away again!

They get up to leave, the place now closing,he holds her steady when she starts to waver in her steps. They walk down the beautiful main street with the lights lighting up the night and the sidewalks, the stores all closed. A cab came along and he stops it. They hurry into the back seat, sitting close. She tells the driver the name of the hotel, smiling sweetly at her soon to be lover she hopes!

She remembers her plan, something she had teased this man about, long distance, almost feeling guilty for "torturing" him. She whispers to the driver to stop at an all night shop, and tells him to stay there while she runs in. She returns with a can of whipped cream and a jar of cherries. They both share a laugh. Now what are you going to do with that young lady? He asks jokingly, as always she giggles, but in a sensual way with her eyes twinkling more than ever.

He leans in to kiss her oh so softly and gently. Then the kisses become deep and passionate once again. He then whispers to the driver to take the long way around town before getting to the hotel, and close the partition in the cab, winking. By this time, he notices she has taken off her jacket and he can see she has on no bra under her flimsy dress. He pulls one strap off her shoulder and kisses it gently.

Now for her plan...she gets out the whipped cream and pulls her flimsy top completely off. He looks awestruck, not sure what to do. Don't worry, sweetie, she say, I won't bite..giggle. She squirts the luscious cream all over her breasts and places a cherry over each nipple.

Ready for desert baby? She asks teasingly. Oh yes ma'am I am, and he dives his face into the whipped cream, finding her waiting and erect nipples. Licking the whipped cream off, he places a cherry in her mouth. They kiss and play with the cherry, he goes back quickly to the whipped cream. Lick it all up baby, she moans, as his tongue feels hot on her nipples and quivers go all through her body. After he has licked the whipped cream all off, they suddenly have arrived at her hotel. She quickly slips her top back on.

He pays the driver and they head for the hotel...

To be continued...

Just breaking that up so people can read it. I'll look it over in a moment.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

When people talk there should be quotes around the word. It could be taken as a stylistic statement but probably isn't an ideal way to start.

Names are good and, speaking from experience, give a noticeable bump to ratings.

This is a little bit short. 739 words isn't enough for a posting on Lit but if you put multiple chapters in each posting (which many people do) there won't be a problem.

Some of the phrasing seems awkward, an editor or extra pair of eyes can help remedy that quickly enough.


You certainly have at least a smidgen of talent for writing. This is an interesting set up but not quite a story. A lot of people (not all of them girls) want to know about motivations and emotions of the characters. Stories that focus almost entirely on sex/sexuality do well on Lit but not quite so well around here. Readers and critics aren't usually looking for the same things.

 

[starrkers]

I see you finally found the right forum, after I sent you on a wild goose chase all around the boards. Sorry about that, had a brain fade as I was typing that message and didn't realise till later.

First off the sugar:

There's definitely the start of a readable story there - it doesn't look quite long enough yet to pass the minimum word guidelines, but with a little extra wording here and there, you should easily get over the hump D). You have set the groundwork for something interesting and given readers a bit of information about the couple, so they can feel involved in their lives - bravo.

Now the salt:

You realy need to watch your tenses. In the first sentence you switch from past to present. Then it's back to past again, but keeps changing throughout the story.

When you alter perspective (changing from his view to hers or vice versa), start a new paragraph. It makes it easier for the reader to follow.

You don't need names, but they make it much easier to write - fewer "he"s and "she"s needed. They also pull the reader in closer, helping them "know" the characters better.

Dialogue: you need to punctuate your dialogue - put quotation marks around it, commas and full points in as required; when a different person speaks, it should be in a new paragraph. Example:

Ready for desert baby? She asks teasingly. Oh yes ma'am I am, and he dives his face into the whipped cream, finding her waiting and erect nipples.

should be:

"Ready for dessert, baby?" she asks teasingly.

"Oh yes, ma'am, I am." He dives his face into the whipped cream, finding her waiting and erect nipples.

Some of the wording is a tad clumsy too. Read it too yourself out loud (sounds ridiculous, but it works). If it sounds awkward as you read it, have another lash at the wording. An editor can often help immensely too, especially if you don't have a trusted friend/relative who can critically read it for you.

But overall, a good effort. You've made the first step - broken out and shown your writing to strangers. Good on you! Keep going.

Ps please excuse the missing letters in this post (there's bound to be some), my keyboard's being kittenish lately. It's driving me nuts.

 

[VeronicaSexie]

Thanks

Thanks Starrkers,

I actually had a friend critique it, and he said the very same things that you and others have. The main thing is, that I got positive feedback on a very last minute little email. I just turned it into the story for my friend, as to not make him uncomfortable. He is a tad shy...lol. He is a great guy, so I didn't want to scare him off!

I know my grammar is not that great, my friend suggested using MS word or word perfect.

My point was, that I hope I can write well when I make more of an effort. I really appreciate all the feedback. When things settle down at my house, I can concentrate on it more. Actually it is a great way to escape and release tension. *wink*

Veronicasexie

 

[starrkers]

Hang onto that friend! People you trust who will give an honest and h elpful opinion on your writing are like gold - rare and precious!