Feedback on a Couples Shopping Fantasy Story.

[Jack_Slade]

I'd like some feedback on a story I wrote, a couples shopping fantasy. A little something to spice up a dull routine chore. He's just supposed to try and pick her up for sex, but she turns the tables on him, so to speak.

Shopping A Man gets more than he bargined for at the grocery store.
Rating: 4.22
Votes: 27
Views: 6905
Catagory: BDSM (English)

I had to run this through a Lit-Editor, he did great work, but there are still a couple of Typo's, please forgive them. The story was rejected for punctuation, i'm horrible at it, and he was a great help.

Any Idea's for a sequal? Some other "Boring Chore" that you would like to see, "Kicked Up?"

Thanks for your reply's.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Read like good fun. I enjoyed the twist at the end.

I noticed a couple of typos - a "to" instead of "too" and I think there was an "of" in a sentence that shouldn't be there. Nothing major. One of the sharper people might find other things, but I thought the story flowed reasonably well.

The "get's more than he bargained for" from the description is a little bit too cliche for me. A search on lit for that description phrase (not even sure it can be done) would probably turn up a squillion hits

The story might be a little too playful for BDSM. I thought it was fun and the twist at the end covered up the early plot hole (taking a picture of someone in a grocery store and threatening to take it to the police didn't seem like much of a threat ).

 

[Jack_Slade]

thanks!!

the photo idea came out of a thought about what a real person might do if stalked, take a pic and turn it over to the manager or something.

my only regret is tht I didn't add at the end, that the hubby picked up the crop to have a "talk" with his wife about her spending habits.

Really I wasn't sure what catagory to put the story in, if it had been loving wifes then the whole idea of the story is blown right away. that there a couple.

Thanks,
Tom

 

[The_Fractal_King]

I had fun. You should keep going (I'd particularly like to see the hubby talking to her about those spending habits).

The story might be a little too playful for BDSM.

Playful does nicely in BDSM actually, sometimes precisely because it is isn't so intense.