I am hoping for some feed back on this, I have been in a number of relationships both vanilla and D/S but recently I have come up with this question. A friend of mine is a sub female that has never experienced a kind master... only the brutal ones. How can someone have punishment without reward and has anyone else had this problem? The second question I have had about this style of relationship ... is I have noticed that some subs are selfish, it is all about the attention they get... not a giving and receiving relationshin, is this common?
This has been on my mind
- Thread starter Enygma55
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be_ignited
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You'll probably get a lot of helpful feedback if you post this on the BDSM Talk forum
I thought of that but I was seeing what people looking have found in their search.. but I will put it there too
DarkSteven
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There are plenty of caring Doms and Masters. I suspect your friend has some flaw in her radar that makes her fall for the ones that aren't.
And yes, there are some subs that become "sub" to be the center of attention.
And yes, there are some subs that become "sub" to be the center of attention.
I bet you that DarkSteven is 100% right. One sees this all the time in vanilla relationships - girls who always pick the wrong guy - and I suspect that that pattern is at least as likely to show up among people seeking BDSM relationships.
My advice to your friend would be to explore her situation in therapy before she got into another relationship, BDSM or otherwise.
MelancholyBaby
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Question 1: There are a ton of self-professed masters out there. There are also a lot of sadists. I'm not sure if she's confusing a master inflicting pain with a master who is punishing her for her misdeeds. You can have punishment without reward. It's all about behavior modification. Finding a master isn't an easy process, but she's already finding out the kind of things that she wants in a master and that will help her along and help her to weed out potential candidates whose ideas about D/s don't necessarily match up with hers.
As for the second question. Yes, some subs (like all people) are selfish and attention-whores. If you're looking to have a giving-receiving relationship then you just need to keep looking until you find a sub who shares the same ideas about a D/s relationship as you do. They do exist.
Another person recommended you go check out the BDSM Talk Forum. I've found they are a great group of people who you can learn from. Some are in relationships and some are seeking, you're likely to find common ground there.
Best of luck.
ataxia.girl
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JazzManJim
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And some of us are very giving but still want to be the center of attention
Depends on from where the attention is coming, yes?
ataxia.girl
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Depends on from where the attention is coming, yes?
ohhh yes i always WANT Daddy's attention but the attention from my Uncles is also very special and often able to keep me happy for quite some time when Daddy isn't around. And to be honest sometimes i need one of them more depending on the situation. But yes there is a group of very special Tops who's attention i want although some days i'm desperate enough to take it from just about wherever i can get it
You are missing the larger picture with your sub friend.
The problem is not that she hasn't experienced a kind master, that's the symptom of HER problems.
Her problems are:
And, as she has discovered, that there is a ready group of men who disguise their asshole-personalites with the cloak of Dom. They are the only ones who take pleasure in the mind-fuck of minds that are already fucked up.
Be a good friend and tell her that she doesn't get to earn the coveted Sub badge until she first earns the I've Worked Through All My Crap badge, the Good Boundaries Make Good Lovers badge, and the I Know An Asshole When I Wake Up With One badge
The badges also need to be earned before earning the coveted Dom badge. For Dom/mes, those badges are prerequisite to the addtional required Managing Expections and Facilitating Outcomes badges
The problem is not that she hasn't experienced a kind master, that's the symptom of HER problems.
Her problems are:
- she is attracted to assholes
- she has poorly defined boundaries
- she doesn't think she has personal power
- she thinks the problems above mean that she's submissive.
And, as she has discovered, that there is a ready group of men who disguise their asshole-personalites with the cloak of Dom. They are the only ones who take pleasure in the mind-fuck of minds that are already fucked up.
Be a good friend and tell her that she doesn't get to earn the coveted Sub badge until she first earns the I've Worked Through All My Crap badge, the Good Boundaries Make Good Lovers badge, and the I Know An Asshole When I Wake Up With One badge
The badges also need to be earned before earning the coveted Dom badge. For Dom/mes, those badges are prerequisite to the addtional required Managing Expections and Facilitating Outcomes badges
ataxia.girl
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wow i am a very bad girl scout i think. i don't have any of those badges. At least i only claim to be "just a bottom"
JazzManJim
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ohhh yes i always WANT Daddy's attention but the attention from my Uncles is also very special and often able to keep me happy for quite some time when Daddy isn't around. And to be honest sometimes i need one of them more depending on the situation. But yes there is a group of very special Tops who's attention i want although some days i'm desperate enough to take it from just about wherever i can get it
Indeed...we often get very different things to fulfill very different needs from very different people. But desperation isn't a good motivation to get what you need. It never really satisfies.
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