Plug For My Second Story (First Time with a twist)

[Remy_James]

Okay, after a couple months hiatus I'm back with a new story called "A Friend In Need"

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=365362

I joughted this idea down rather fast, but basically the premise is that the last week prior to graduation is filled with pranks among the senior classmen and a certain humiliating prank goes horribly wrong and only a personal friend can help our protagonist with a very PERSONAL dilemma.

CATEGORY: First Time

Alright thanks! Let me know what you think.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

a) Find and editor.
b) Your wording is confused and sometimes redundant. For instance

...Soledad was quite well endowed and often had her breasts on display most of the time.

c) Unless you are giving us an address, the time or such don't use numbers and don't lower yourself to giving heights, weight etc. It's boring.
d) Next time write a story with some substance. This is rather a juvenile fantasy that is unbelievable and not really very interesting.
e) Your punctuation of dialogue is just wrong and your excessive use of dashes is ... how can I discribe it?... high schoolish at best.

Nice try.

 

[Remy_James]

Okay, it should be noted that I wrote the entire story FOR Jenny (whom I've never met) and it's completely understandable and appropriate that she's THIS upset over a story that otherwise doesn't affect her at all.

So what does everyone else think?

Oh and on an unrelated note- thanks for the voting I think I qualify for a hot story now!!! 12 votes in about 10 hours I'm so honored ^_^!

 

[The_Fractal_King]

So you and you're friends are a bunch of dimwitted assholes. zomg, I don't care.

Anyway, I got about halfway down the first page and I lacked any interest in the characters and nothing had happened and the paragraphs were so long I couldn't bother reading them and the sentences felt stilted.

If you wanted a plot you should have gotten to the plot. If you wanted a stroke story you should have gotten to the sex.

 

[tickledkitty]

Ok, I read the first paragraph, and I agree with Jenny. I had no desire to read further. I suspect having a better hook in that first paragraph and omitting "I know my way around a pussy" might help tremendously.

Look, if you're just looking for a pat on the back and an "atta boy" here, you're posting in the wrong place. If you don't genuinely want feedback, you're posting in the wrong place. If you want someone to tell you how hot your story is and how you made them cum...guess what? That's right! You're posting in the wrong place.

Let's try looking at this in a different way, shall we? It's a novel approach, I know, but instead of getting all offended, try looking at the comments you get here as suggestions that will help you become a better writer. Isn't that really what you want?

 

[MarshAlien]

Okay, it should be noted that I wrote the entire story FOR Jenny (whom I've never met) and it's completely understandable and appropriate that she's THIS upset over a story that otherwise doesn't affect her at all.

So what does everyone else think?!

Next!

Seriously, you asked for feedback. You got it first from Jenny, and then you dissed her. What's the incentive for the rest of us to help out?

 

[Remy_James]

I don't know, I guess I'll just crawl back under my rock.

You win.

 

[ellynei]

Started writing some feedback, including examples before reading more than first post on thread.

You forgot to mention in first thread that you are only interested in one-sided (aka positive) feedback. So I realized I had wasted my precious time, gathering up and describing both likes and dislikes, when I read full thread before posting.

Arrgh, very frustrating

No, I am not interested in copy-pasting the likes and deleting the dislikes...

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Okay, it should be noted that I wrote the entire story FOR Jenny (whom I've never met) and it's completely understandable and appropriate that she's THIS upset over a story that otherwise doesn't affect her at all.

So what does everyone else think?

Oh and on an unrelated note- thanks for the voting I think I qualify for a hot story now!!! 12 votes in about 10 hours I'm so honored ^_^!

Who said I was upset. I don't get upset about newbie stories. The fact is the story wasn't very good.

Now go back to your friends and tell them what a horrid bitch I am. I could care less.

 

[Remy_James]

You know, I'm done.

That's it- just done. Hold onto that, and feel good about it.

Thank you all for your time.

 

[sr71plt]

Well, that went well. On both sides, I think.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

You know, I'm done.

That's it- just done. Hold onto that, and feel good about it.

Thank you all for your time.

You're welcome

 

[manyeyedhydra]

It's a little juvenile and the grammar needs a lot of tightening up. There are also far too many words all in CAPS at the end of the first page/start of the second page.

I would play up the humour more. Accept that anyone over the age of 23 with more than two brain cells is going to hate it and ignore that. They aren't the audience you're looking for. Personally, I can't stand the whole production-line of dumb american comedies, but they still make lots of money.

Grow a thicker skin. You could crawl under a rock and bitch about how horrid Jenny and the others were to you or you can take on board the honest advice they gave you and make your next story better. Someone liking a story is largely subjective, but good grammar is fairly universal.

The premise, viagra-laced cookies, has more promise than the usual 'I fucked the jock's sister and she was hawt!' but the handling is clumsy. You could have much more fun with this.